Tell me about… bonking and culinary calamities

No, I don’t mean that time the banana got stuck, or the carrot snapped.

And I don’t mean here! Email me hannah@singletrackworld.com so I can put your tales into a future mag.

We want to hear the times you bonked so hard you had milk a nearby cow to keep going. Or the time you decided that a reduced to clear prawn sandwich would be probably be fine after a day in your pack. The odd dietary choice that took you to your first 24hour podium, or the poorly packaged dinner that contaminated every item of gear while bike packing.

Tales from the trail – bonking and culinary calamities please!

That first paragraph raises more questions than it answers….

No, I don’t mean that time the banana got stuck, or the carrot snapped.

There’s clearly some STW staff adventures we don’t know about…

Aware this is the time, place or social.media channel, but that first paragraph sounds like a worthy misadventure or 4!!!

Not really relevant but I did get a malteser stuck up my nose once.

I spent quite a while with melted chocolate dribbling down over my lip until the biscuit bit had softened enough to squash.

And before you ask, no, I was in my twenties

I’d have asked if you were in your own house or not, no interest in your age! 😉

Returning from a long ride with mates and insisted that we stop at a shop less than 2 miles from home as I didn’t feel I’d make it.

Countless tales of ride buddies who were trying to go keto and blowing up spectacularly on rides that we were reduced to glass-cranking and much mirth on their self-inflicted misery from the others.

My own personal favourite is an SDW-Double attempt, descending on the Tesco Express in Eastbourne early one Saturday morning, having purchased a multi-pack of mini pork pies, a few packs of jelly babies and a big bottle of water and attempting to consume them whilst sprawled on the pavement. It had been very dewy overnight , when mixed with the ample sheep and cow poo I basically stank of liquid fertiliser – which would explain the look of disdain I got from locals.

My best thought is reserved for another member of this parish who participated in the Rovaniemi 300 in the arctic winter. A bold refuelling strategy involving the finest Italian hazelnuts – a thumping big tub of Nutella. The issue arise because our bold adventurer had previously participated when conditions were unseasonable mild. This particular year, it was much colder, starting on -10C and dropping to -20C and below. Those who have mistakenly put Nutella in their fridge will know what happens next….try scooping and spreading at -20C. He scratched after one day.

I have a couple of race-finish stories where I (virtually) assaulted the poor guy running the food truck at the end of a race. ‘I’ve got a fiver, give me everything until I’ve run out of money!’

I have scrumped roadside wild strawberries on the Croix de Fer climb… There was a great story in Bike mag about how some bonked XC racers pretended to be on an Olympic training ride in order to eat burgers at someone’s campsite. :-)

Anyway, who’s got more? Send them over to Hannah, or we’ll have to have all of my many stories instead!

I went on a ride round the back of Skiddaw and realised I’d left my food in the car at Threlkeld.  By the time I reached a garage in Keswick I had tunnel vision and could hardly pedal.  I ate 4 mars bars and two grab bags of crisps just to feel normal!  The beer the night before didn’t help either.

Those who have mistakenly put Nutella in their fridge will know what happens next….try scooping and spreading at -20C

I should think most food suffers this issue. One outdoorsy guy did tell me a trick, soreen, press it pretty much flat, pile of books, bench vice, hydraulic press, etc whatever you have, then stash it in a pocket inside your jacket. Stays warm enough to eat.

Surely some of you 24hr and long distance folks have tales to tell? Or am I just really bad at fuelling my rides? I’ve room for a couple more tales before I close the books on this article!

Us 24hr folks tend to be fairly well prepared, a good stock of a wide variety of foods readily available each lap. Although my ex did forget all of her food for the Puffer. Our problems mostly relate to how/where/when it all comes out again…

@andrewh I will accept tales of poor choices leading to revisitation of the menu!

oh, god, the flashback to a dirty reviver where someone gave me some meaty keto energy bars to try/review.

Many hours in a sweaty pocket gave rise to culinary experience  of what I can only describe as  sucking on manky  little  raw sausage with a honkingly funky aftertaste that my brain decided was akin to fellating a Jack Russel and listening to his little satisfied woofs.

The mental image and oily honk, stayed with me for the last 70km or so.

or eating so much cheese at the 2010 SS european champs that I experienced a “changover” i.e a cheesy hangover!

I did Hit the North one year and forgot to take energy food so took the apple from the car in my jersey pocket

It was covered in filth by the time I came to eat it

Apples have little sugar content (and no protein or fat obvs it’s an apple…)

They are not easy to eat mid race, I got about half eaten then dropped it

Reader: I did not bother with the last lap

Bonking and Culinary Calamities was the original title of ‘9 1/2 Weeks’

Surely some of you 24hr and long distance folks have tales to tell? Or am I just really bad at fuelling my rides? I’ve room for a couple more tales before I close the books on this article!

Just sent you a couple.

Returning from a long ride with mates and insisted that we stop at a shop less than 2 miles from home as I didn’t feel I’d make it.

I did a 200km point to point ride with a mate years ago and he casually suggested stopping at the cafe in Richmond Park – this being about 5 miles at most to go before we were home. I’m like “no, I’m fine, happy to push on” and he more forcefully insisted that he would be stopping, regardless. Turned out he was right on the verge of blowing up completely and he needed 2 cans of Coke and a chocolate bar to get him that last 5 miles!

Edit: what’s up with the

function?!

Not bonking as such, but a few come to mind.

First one.

One year I went to the Alps with a friend and he wanted to some more “adventurous” mountain biking, outside of the bike park. He picked a route out of a book a the campsite we were at and off we set, I made some comments about getting an OS map, but this was waved off “it’s all in the book” (the map was about the size of a business card).

Climbed this mountain somewhere near les deux alpes, bit of riding here and hike-a-bike there. 4-5 hours later he realises we’ve turned left when we should have turned right about an hour ago, but doesn’t want to turn back. Run out of water, no food on us, happen across a grizzly old shepherd smoking a herbal cigarette who tells us there’s no way to get to where we’re trying to go.

Round we turn and begin going back the way we came, the cows had churned the ground up so that there were these holes about the size of bike wheel everywhere and I get spat off after dropping my wheel into a particularly big one at speed. Cue lots of expletives and a badly sprained wrist (did I mention it was day 2 of our 2 week trip?). He tries to convince me to carry on with the original route, but I’ve had enough at this point so suggest we head back to the car. Never been so happy to see tarmac in my life. Luckily the wrist was just sprained and I managed to bandage it up for the rest of the trip with minimal pain, my friend was banned from planning and route leading for the rest of the trip.

Second one.

March in South Wales, feeling pretty fit as I’d been riding all winter doing laps of Cwmcarn or Afan. Have been eyeing up a black route that started in Talgarth and loops all the way south and back. Chuck all my things in the car and head off. Get to the heads of the valleys and see snow/ice/frost on the hills, continue driving watching the temperature drop on the dashboard. Arrive in Talgarth and it is noticeably colder than I expected and maybe a short sleeved jersey wasnt the best idea, but I’m here now so lets get cracking.

About half way round near an old abandoned hermitage I stop for lunch, only to realise I’ve left my lunch at home. I don’t hang about for too long as it’s freezing, decide to continue. Sometime later the bridleway/trail fades away into grass and a large ominous hill awaits. Calorie deficit begins to hit and I’m struggling to turn my pedals on the energy sapping grass, so I clamber off and begin to push the bike up. I’m halfway up the hill, the wind is freezing, the sun is rapidly disappearing behind the hill I’m struggling to walk up, and then it starts snowing! My mind starts playing images of me being winched off the hill by a red and white helicopter on one of those “999 emergency rescue”-type shows. The snow flurry dissipates in a few minutes, but by now I’m going blue and I cant remember what it’s like to be warm, I push on, one foot in front of the other.  Eventually I push my bike up onto the summit and the sun greets me as I exit the hill’s shadow. I spend a few minutes absorbing its rays like a sunflower, spy a road and a path to it from where I am and beat a hasty retreat to Talgarth.

Last one
When at uni I was part of the biking club, went to Afan for a lap of W2. One of the guys bonked pretty hard at the end of the climb out of Glyncorrwg, cramping hamstrings and quads at the same time?! Once he was over the worst of that he proceeded to inhale an entire malt loaf in about 2 minutes. He was fine for the rest of the ride, so maybe it is the best emergency bonk food.