i know a few people who have.
the latest was my mates brother 2-3 months ago

my best mate's dad threw himself in front of a train. He was clinically depressed, which opened my eyes to depression. I used to think people just needed to 'get over it and get on with life'

My next door neighbour hung himself in the garage, whilst I was on the other side of the wall in our back yard. I think I was the last to speak to him, which is kind of sad really. I think he did it because his partner was a total nightmare that he couldn't live with.

An absolutely beautiful girl I know tried to commit suicide when her dad died. She had her legs amputated as a result. She survived and moved on, she is now part of the UK disabled waterski team which has won world champs for the UK in last few years. The UK disabled waterski team are part of many unknown UK teams that win everything in their sport, but get no recognition. There are others in the team that have a similar story to tell, but I know Ellie.

This is Ellie (I'm the bloke on the right)

Again, unfortunately yes. 2 friends and a close family member, one quite recently. I found out when it happened that it is a lot more common than you would think.

A few, not close friends but people I knew – all men. Whilst I haven't been there myself, I do empathise with them but, it is in most cases selfish IMO – trying to hurt others and make them feel your hurt,is how I see it, except those with incurable medical conditons, or clincal mental health problems.

I know what it feels like – I think in part, Bananaworld if you have a childhood picture of yourself, sort of 5 years old, just look at that when you have those feelings – you'll be letting that child down if you go through with it!

Peace, and respect yourself.

Pete aka Woodsman

Yes.

My very good friend Andy who lived 8 doors away – Hung himself in the garage April 26th – No "real" reason to do such a thing.

You may remember him as "Whatsit" who used to post on here.

I got a phone call from his wife at 08:25 – So unintelligable was the call, I had to ring 1471 to confirm who the call was from – ran round at break-neck speed to find Carole on the patio in a real bad state ….. I looked in the garage to see Andy hanging. – Very much dead.

Called my wife to collect the kids immediatly & to just collect the kids as soon as possible & to ask no questions when she arrived – Just to get the kids away from the house.
Karen came round Very quickly & took the kids away as they had no idea anything was wrong.
I called the emergancy services as soon as I'd place the call to my wife.

I had the unenviable task of cutting his body down & attempting resuccitation on an obviously dead body.

Don't take this the wrong way. But, I totally & utterly hate him for what he has put everyone through. – You have NO idea what his wife & two young daughters has had to go through.

We've tried our damdest to help out…Things like trying to be a 'surragate father' to the two young daughters he left behind & a good friend to Carole, his wife. Luckily both kids seem to really like me. But, however much you try to do, it somehow never really feels enough.

My own wife has now ended up on anti-depresants due to a delayed reaction from the situation.

The bottom line is that he had no 'real' reason to do something so utterly selfish & stupid. – The problems he had were nothing in real terms. But, the sheer mess he left behind is unreal.

It happened at the end of April, but the reprocussions are still very much in existance.

I miss him dearly, but I totally hate him for what he's done.

( Hit a very raw nerve on this one)
Chris

Yes

My Aunt did it a few years ago, Just put a plastic bag over her head and suffocated herself !!
She was in her late 60`s and had out lived 2 husbands , all her affairs had been sorted that week including updating her will to include her new grandson.
She had planned eveything , right down to cancelling the papers and the milk
A lovely lady and a real waste
RIP Lynn

I don't recall anyone 'close' to me doing such a thing, luckily.

However, I did think about doing it before.
Motivated by depression – most likely instigated by a combination of drug use and existential angst about a man's role in today's changing society – and thankfully mentioned it to someone who hustled me to the GP sharpish. Got sorted with a course of meds and had a chance to level out and reflect.
Still get a bit down sometimes, but never to that same depth. Now I'm a father I can't even contemplate leaving my daughter (or other family for that matter) in a state of confusion and distress. Not fair.

Bananaworld – you are not alone, so don't convince yourself otherwise. You matter to somebody as much as they, or others, matter to you. As your mountain biking brethren have suggested, tell someone or see a GP. Clear your head of 'self-medication' if necessary, and get some fresh air and excercise. Eat healthy and sleep well, and spend some time doing things that ease your soul if possible.
The change of attitude and any help won't happen in a day, so be patient and be strong.
We're here if you need us.
Peace, brother.

Jeez – how much time have you got? As a Forester suicides seem to love topping themselves in my woods. First one(s) were carbon monoxide specials in my forests. Quickly became a pain in the arse when we had to deal with the families. Some time later two friends committed suicide, totally unrelated. 1) Catholic Police officer and a good mate in Ulster asked another friend (Protestant girl) to explain why they were no longer going out. 10mins later and a Browning 9mm and he was dead. What a waste. 2) Another mate who had a suicide pact with his mate, shot gun pact, my mate died instantaneously his mate died in his mothers arms. I spent years going through the entrance to the forest they killed themselves in.

This week just been to the funeral of a friends husband who topped himself. What can you say?

Sorry to say I have got to the point were dealing with the living and the aftermath is more important than the selfish ass who took their own life.

Life is precious. Where I understand that some people get depressed etc the fact remains that someone has to pick up the pieces. When I asked how my mate felt about her step dad's actions she simply replied 'Angry'

As a student forester I went away on holiday and came back to be to my foreman had simply walked into a local river. I was gutted. He seemed like a normal bloke, even had a tree named after him. We were left to destroy his two favourite dogs, clean out his house, and sort out his personal effects.

Lesson learned?

1. Suicides will do it no matter what you do
2. Support networks are essential.
3. Support to social welfare and mental care is essential

SnS – Big manly kind of hug, punch on the arm, nod of appreciation. I didn't get put in the same situation as you, but you summed up how it felt for me.

RIP to all those who sadly choose not to be with us now, I hope not to see my friends soon but I will see them again…..

As a doctor, if someone is determined to kill themselves, there is nothing that we can do to prevent it.

Mate from school he was about 17 i think, jumped from a tall building, to this day i can still see his face at school and that was 35 years ago

A song that i feel sums this up from my personal opinion

Yes one of my best mates 2 years ago,RIP Rick mate you are sadly missed

Yes, my wife's brother. Bad times for all involved. Couldn't give a damn for him to be fair, didnt know the bloke, so wasn't personally affected, but really badly hit his family, including my wife obviously.

2 good friends have killed themselves both 20 -30….this left carnage at the time and if I'm honest of our group & families have never recovered. Over the years another 5 people I know have not been able to deal with life and committed suicide.

The latest was last year leaving wife, 2 young kids and his family shocked as no one saw it coming…imho people get depressed and in a rut….you must get yourself in a nasty place to make a decision like that???

It's all far too common ….I expect another 2 of my friends to kill them selves soon…..everyone and everything has been tried but depression is too deep and its a call I expect and dread.

I've known 3.

One of my dads best mates rode his motorbike into the front of a bus , apparently it was very messy.

2 blokes on my post round who I knew quite well , the first hung himself after losing his job and getting into debt and was found hanged by his wife and 2 small children when they came in from school , the second was in a bad place mentally and had severe back pains after an accident (registered disabled) and after a bit of a bust up with his wife took an OD of his painkillers.Both of them had/have gorgeous familys.

I feel so lucky to be part of a loving family , my wife and son mean everything to me and more than make up for any shortcomings in my job or occasional financial problems.

Ed Bonnin, local guy down here & a really talented rider. No one saw it coming. Read the link for the full story.

The consequences of my brother in law's suicide were quite devastating for a number of people.

It left my wife as an only child. Eventually we had to move across the country to be closer to her mother and father. I've struggled to get work here as it's quite a rural and inward looking community. Another outsider friend describes it as a hard place to be a blow in.

That has put real pressure on our relationship but more importantly he left behind a daughter. She is quite a clever girl but her potential has been completely wasted as her life seemed to go into drift after her father's death. Mum is a waste of space.

He gave no indication of what he was thinking of doing. His dad found him in his bedroom. He waitied for everyone to leave for work and shot himself.

In a wierd kind of way the fact that it was his choice to die helped me cope. However, I've been through some very rough times in the last year with possibly more to come. I could never wreck my kids lives by committing suicide.

My first serious relationship was in 1991 with a beautiful little german punk chick called Nikki, she was evrything i ever wanted in a girlfriend, while we were going out her bi-polar tendencies started to surface but I worked like crazy to keep her +ve.
After living over in east Stuttgart for 12 amazing months I headed back to Scotalnd and She checked herself into a clinic. She came out a completely different character and almost immediatly married some **** who used smack. She had a daughter to him but quickly divorced and seemed to be getting on with life she sent me a very unusual little letter in about 95 and I heard no more from her until a friend from a nearby village to hers sent me an email to say she had hung herself leaving a 6 year old child pretty much alone in the world.
i was utterly gobsmacked and wish i could have done more way back when. She was a gem.

Not someone I knew personally, but a bloke threw himself off the top of the building I work in, a few years back. The sight of his smashed body on the ground is one that I will never forget. Our receptionists tried in vain to save his life. His wife also worked in the same building, although she didn't see what happened.

My feelings are overwhelmingly anger – that this person could create such trauma for so many people.

Horrendously sad slimtubing.

I've gone through some "issues" myself and the one piece of advice I hope my children take heed of is get as far away as possible from negative people as quickly as possible.

Some unhappy people seem to become very toxic and dangerous individuals.

2nd that shooterman

Seems to be a sad fact of life unfortunately

Unfortunately one of my best friends committed suicide because his wife was leaving him, she was the love of his life, before she went out with Paul, she was going out with my flatmate at the time and he always pestered me about there relationship and how they were getting on, as soon as they finished he asked her out, and eventually they married, a number of years later they had two lovely children his daughter is beautiful like her mother and he had a great little boy, shortly before he committed suicide I saw him in a coffee shop and we chatted and he gave nothing away thing seemed normal and life was good, a few weeks later he had hung himself and left a note for his daughter not to go into the bedroom where he was. Could not believe he could leave his family in such a way made me very angry as I thought he was the type of person never to do such a thing, we used to have some great laughs together out on the pull etc etc. His wife has moved on and she is in another relationship and his daughter is in uni, not sure how his son is getting on, I will ask when I see his wife.(exwife)!!! Just shows you dont ever know what people are really going through, all very sad.

The honesty is hugely relieving..

I was going to post some time back that I believe it is hugely selfish act & obviously the person cannot see the wood for trees etc etc.

My Dad tried to top himself twice jumping from a from a three storey house that was not high enough. Just f**ked himself up pretty bad 'twice'..

Myself, Brother & Mum have managed to piece our family back together. I just feel sorry for the f**ker now!

First of all.

SnS/Chris – I'm so sorry, i never heard about it til now. I don't really know what else to say. To others all i can say is that Andy was (outwardly) a friendly, easygoing bloke who was fun to be around.

As for the rest, this thread has been somewhat cathartic for me. This last year has been an absolute shitter and i've reached the point where i'm idly contemplating suicide on a daily basis. I think i know deep down that i won't actually go through with it but as someone else said, the thought of not waking up tomorrow is welcoming in a strange kind of way.
I'm understanding of the mindset, the thoughts/feelings/reactions of my friends & family are irrelevant to me because i feel so low & alone that i'm completely detached from them even if i am in the same room.
I went to to doc's earlier in the year & was given the happy pills, came off them because of the side effects and never went back to him. For all his concern about depression it seemed as though i was being told "take these pills & **** off".
It's strange, i've reached 42yrs of age and looking around at my life there is nothing worthwhile about it.
I'm unmarried, extremely unlikely to have the family i've amazingly started to crave, unemployed with absolutely no transferable skills & living alone in a house with my cats. I think i've turned into the male version of the creepy old cat lady of popular myth.
My friend has cancer & everytime i speak with her i wish i could take her place, she has a son and a worthwhile life.

I understand why people don't speak out, my friends have all got their own crap to deal with so why dump more on them?

What a miserable post.

Muddy

If their your friends then they will not give a sh*t about their crap, once they hear about yours. What is it kids and their mortgages booring!

Give them a call. I dropped on a mate @ Uni and so glad I did. You know your not gonna do it but speak out for your own sake..

Muddydwarf, As you are posting on STW I take it your into mountain biking so you have an interest there and a great community of people to share banter with and meet on rides, You must feel really lonely and have very low self esteem, you are obviously depressed, I urge you to go back to see your GP, just because the anti-depressants you tried gave you side effects, there are others you can try, you may even get more side effects but stick with them as side effects are generally short lived and when you body adjusts you will start to feel better and work out a strategy to put your life back together. You need help please dont be afraid to seek help it will make all the difference.

This is going to sound pathetic, but one of the reasons i'm deliberately pulling away from friends is because they all have gorgeous kids now & seeing those kids is extremely painful.
18 months ago i thought i was going to be married with a family of my own & the knowledge that that isn't going to happen is too painful for me to be around such happy families.

muddy

email in profile if you need to talk man

I'm 43 now and have just remarried and have two wonderful children. When i'm low I usually, after some thought, realise that life is in control of me not me taking life by the nuts and getting (a bit) of control in.

If I could go back to my mate Chris and talk to him now I'd say look mate there's others, there's a future, your a great friend and have a great future – we were just two kids a protestant and a catholic growing up in the troubles, best mates and the selfish **** blew his brains out with his own gun. I would tell him selfish ****, I would tell him to grow a pair,but most of all I would tell him I miss him – life's been poorer without him. 20 years later it still makes me incredibly sad

Any way it's good to talk man

Have you tried talking to skilled people in real life about this muddydwarf (as opposed to going to your normal doctor)? It might well help. I knew a chap who committed suicide after years of living with his girlfriend who had crones disease. We knew she had it and we knew she was seriously suffering but no-one knew how much pain he was going through as a result, he never mentioned anything about how he was feeling, until someone found his note.

I've been in a similar place to where you are now. Unemployed, heavily in debt. I would go out riding every day and then I started stopping at the top of a big quarry. Just let the brakes go, it'll be easy. I even started saying I love you to my family before I went out every time just in case I decided to do it.

try talking to a professional.

It looks like i need a referral to a mental health specialist doesn't it?

I'm not in debt at the moment but xmas is looming & i've hated it all my adult life – the weight of expectation to have a good time is so heavy it's untrue & then the crash into the post xmas blues is a real big one for me. I can't afford to buy even little presents for my family & that doesn't exactly make me feel good about myself either.

Jeez, what a whining little shite i am.

Going to stop now before this descends into a melodramatic farce.

yes, i do think you need to speak to a mental health specialist. They'll be able to tell you how much of this is a proper mental health issue that needs treatment (and give you that treatment) and how much is being a whining little shite. 😉

Get back to the doctors on monday and ask for a referral. The pills make things worse, you just want to talk to someone.

back to me..

but my Dad's thing happened before xmas. So I agree with Samuri ❗

Yes three close colleagues, and several clients (who suffer from dementia), thought food and fluids refusal. Its always devastating and in the case of clients leaves a very unsatisfactory feeling, as thought you’ve failed.
Currently working with a client who between the diazepam and alcohol dependence has taken around seven overdose this year alone (three –four last year), which has given me several restless weekends and a feeling of dread waling into the office on a morning
Its worth noting that while young men 18 – 25 are statistically the most at risk group, males over 65 are not that close behind, as are females over 65

Muddydwarf – your problems are real. At this age you maybe going through a phase, which sadly alot of men go through. Wanting children is perfectly natural at your age. You may not believe this but you have plenty of time.

I feel you need to take really small steps, the first being to start getting out of the house. Go for walks, ride your bike, at every opportunity talk to folk. If you start taking a regular route you may pass the same people and just strike up a conversation.

Where we live the council run free walks, they are usually advertised at the local library. See if there is something similar in your area. This gives you the chance to be with other people doing something outdoors. Get to be a regular and start chatting to others. Maybe go for a drink after.

As for you real friends, you really do need to start telling them how you feel, everyone enjoys helping others.

Please do something about this, you cannot keep suffering in silence.

All the best to you and everyone else going through a similar experience.

Jesus this is a miserable f**kin thread. Muddy I genuinely have some empathy for you despite being a fair bit younger. Why not get rid of your s**t like car etc and cycle round the world you don't have to break any records but a guarantee it will make you happy.

😆 Don't own a car mate – in fact my lethargy in not learning to drive has returned to hit me in the 'arris as i can't drive to a job that i could otherwise do – nowt in my line within 40 miles it seems.

many people would be happy with this situation, myself included….

I'm unmarried, extremely unlikely to have the family i've amazingly started to crave, unemployed with absolutely no transferable skills & living alone in a house with my cats.

that doesn't sound too bad. ok, other than the wanting kids thing, but just think of all those shitty smelly nappies, sleepless nights, baby sick clothes, etc. go and be the 'uncle' to your mates kids and take 'em to mcdonalds and feed them coke and E-numbers before giving them back.

there are worse things than being unemployed, like prison for example.

and i **** love cats!

agree with tails. go ride. **** everything else off and go ride, but take lots of pics and post on here for us all to see.

muddydwarf,

I think you know this for yourself but it seems like it is time for you to go back to your GP and talk through your feelings. Go and see a different GP if you felt your last one lacked empathy. Find an experienced one, one who you can't get an appointment with for week or two. Experience tells me there are good reasons for this.

I can understand your reluctance not to go back on anti-depressants especially if you have bad experiences or bad side effects before. God knows I have been there and done that and have pretty much needed to try all the different classes of drugs over the last few years. However, unless you go back and speak to your GP to discuss the effects then they are not in a position to try a different drug. They all have very different profiles, what suits one may not suit another and even for experienced GPs it seems to be a case of trial and error.

They needn't be a long term solution. For many people they are not and well for others like myself I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will most probably be on them and/or some other medication for the rest of my life.

Do I like the fact then no, but neither do I feel any shame or think that it is a sign of weakness and frankly I couldn't give a flying **** what other people think, its my life we are talking about not theirs.

A fact, both alcohol and caffiene act more strongly on the brain than anti-depressants (very bad grammar) so
why should I listen to anyone who tells me I should look to "resolve my issues" with a coffee in their hand who will drink a couple of bottles of wine at the weekend.

In my experience the mental health professionals who have supported me over the last few years have been some of the most pleasant and supportive medical professionals I have encountered.

Good luck, with the support of a good GP and perhaps also the community mental health team, things can and will get better.

Email in profile
Gary