Viewing 40 posts - 1 through 40 (of 43 total)
  • So made my own bum cream from Aqueous Cream and tanning lotion.
  • Premier Icon Poopscoop
    Full Member

    For cheapness. The Aqueous Cream comes in big 500 gram tubs for about £3. Decided to add some skin moisturiser so it doesn’t dry as fast and the local chemist has Nivea tanning lotion on offer…. So… Added a big dollop of that into the aqueous tub.

    I’ll keep you updated, what could possibly go wrong though.

    Premier Icon Nobeerinthefridge
    Free Member

    Very apt username

    Premier Icon scotroutes
    Full Member

    Adding some squeezed citrus juice will help keep it fresh.

    It’s a lemon entry.

    Premier Icon chakaping
    Full Member

    For the full STW miser effect you need to deep-fry it and apply to your chain as well.

    Premier Icon Bez
    Full Member

    Boring. Get back to us when you’ve made your own bum cream from Veet and Tabasco.

    Premier Icon honeybadgerx
    Full Member

    Tanning lotion? I thought it was all about bleaching these days.

    Premier Icon colonel wax
    Free Member

    Chuck some fake-tan cream in too. Go against the bleach trend

    Premier Icon Poopscoop
    Full Member

    Oh yeah, it is the Nivea fake tan cream. That’s all they had on offer, guessing due to the time of the year.👍

    Premier Icon martinhutch
    Full Member

    Poopscoop’s bum by next week

    Premier Icon perchypanther
    Free Member

    You’ll end up with Musketeers Arse*

    *A dark tan yin

    Premier Icon Poopscoop
    Full Member

    Lol 😂

    More s*** comes out of Trump’s mouth though…

    Premier Icon Nobeerinthefridge
    Free Member

    For the full STW miser effect you need to deep-fry it and apply to your chain as well.

    😂

    And then lecture everyone else how much better it is than anyone else’s hoop cream, lasts ALL BLOODY WINTER! 😂

    Premier Icon senor j
    Full Member

    The man with the Golden Perineum.

    Premier Icon Houns
    Full Member

    I prefer getting a natural tan, not a fake one

    https://www.independent.co.uk/topic/perineum-sunning

    Premier Icon Stoner
    Full Member

    Tinting your taint?

    Premier Icon TheBrick
    Free Member

    Try adding some scotch bonnet chillies. You will definitely be riding quicker with this performance enhancement.

    Premier Icon philjunior
    Free Member

    I am genuinely unsure why I clicked through to this. I would think other ingredients might be useful. But less amusing for getting fake tan.

    Premier Icon nicko74
    Free Member

    For the full STW miser effect you need to deep-fry it and apply to your chain as well.

    Well of course the real beauty* of this is that because you fry it up in batches, you can apply it to multiple bums at once, and rotate them over the course of the winter to maximise the time needed until you next have to apply it.

    * I mean figuratively, not literally of course…

    THis thread though – none more STW 😀

    Premier Icon chakaping
    Full Member

    THis thread though – none more STW

    Wasn’t sure if it was satire, but not gonna ask for pics as proof.

    Premier Icon Poopscoop
    Full Member

    Occurred to me today that I also want the cream to have an antiseptic in it. I think all Chamois cream should have this anyway.

    So… Added one of those little handbag sized bottles full of antibac you use on your hands.

    That should be all bases covered now. Tried it on Zwift yesterday with no ill effects.

    Might take a selfie later to make sure no odd colour change is going on…

    Premier Icon greyspoke
    Free Member

    No it shouldn’t be antiseptic, you need to keep your flora flourishing. Apparently.

    Premier Icon greyspoke
    Free Member

    How about some PTFE?

    Premier Icon downshep
    Full Member

    How about some PTFE?

    Wot? Plumbers tape?

    Premier Icon martinhutch
    Full Member

    you need to keep your flora

    How many tablespoons? Is any margarine OK?

    Occurred to me today that I also want the cream to have an antiseptic in it. I think all Chamois cream should have this anyway.

    Why not go the whole hog and add some Mould Spray?

    Revised poopscoop arse prediction for next week.

    Premier Icon sirromj
    Full Member

    I would think other ingredients might be useful.

    Veet perhaps?

    Premier Icon slackalice
    Full Member

    It’s winter and I wonder if your lotion might leave you feeling a little… damp and chilly.

    Wack in some Deep Heat to the mix, do your zwift thing and let us know if that helps.

    Premier Icon TheBrick
    Free Member

    Add olbus oil

    Premier Icon Cheezpleez
    Full Member

    I’m using mashed potato and glitter. Can’t remember why

    Premier Icon matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    Pffft, grit and iron filings is all I can afford.

    Premier Icon Poopscoop
    Full Member

    Just done 52k on Zwift. Bum on fire. All the cream in the world doesn’t seem to help with a butt that just doesn’t like my saddle…

    I’ll upload a pic in a bit. Can’t bend over yet.

    Premier Icon nicko74
    Free Member

    Just done 52k on Zwift. Bum on fire.

    Needs more deep heat in the cream. Or possibly some mayonnaise

    Premier Icon chakaping
    Full Member

    Could try sudocreme to soothe it.

    I’d suggest using a cat as an applicator.

    Premier Icon scotroutes
    Full Member

    Just done 52k on Zwift.

    I think I can see the problem.

    Seriously. A bike stuck in a turbo trainer is prevented from doing those little rocking motions so your arse is suffering.

    Premier Icon Poopscoop
    Full Member

    There is an element of that mate I’m sure.

    I get it on the fs and ht too though. All have variations on the same saddle though. Spec Toupe, 155mm from memory.

    Going to have to start swapping out saddles which is a pain in the, well, arse.

    Premier Icon mrwhyte
    Full Member

    Blimey, I thought I was being cheap making my own beard oil!

    I could send you some of my beard oil to try on the bum? I could then market it as a beardy bum oil.

    Premier Icon nickc
    Full Member

    For the full STW miser effect you need to

    Offer to smear it over other people’s bums for the price of postage?

    Premier Icon senor j
    Full Member

    “beardy bum oil.”
    haha. coffee on my new laptop.

    Premier Icon martinhutch
    Full Member

    Are you approaching this from the wrong direction? As with other primates, your red, inflamed arse might be a sign that you are coming into ‘season’?

    If so, it will be a temporary problem. As long as you don’t encounter any male baboons.

    Premier Icon globalti
    Free Member

    Bad news; your cream already contained a good dose of biocides to prevent it from growing bacteria when you stick your fingers in the jar. That should be sufficient.

    The best antiseptic for spots and pimples, cat scratches and general small injuries is Corsodyl mouthwash. If you get a hot sore spot on your face, which you know is going to be a zit the next day, dab Corsodyl on it with a cotton bud. It will sting a little but the spot will be gone in the morning, headed off at the pass. The active in Corsodyl is chlorhexidine, which is used to prep people for operations.

    Premier Icon greyspoke
    Free Member

    Chlorhexidine is the active ingredient in Savlon.

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