For cheapness. The Aqueous Cream comes in big 500 gram tubs for about £3. Decided to add some skin moisturiser so it doesn’t dry as fast and the local chemist has Nivea tanning lotion on offer…. So… Added a big dollop of that into the aqueous tub.

I’ll keep you updated, what could possibly go wrong though.

Very apt username

Adding some squeezed citrus juice will help keep it fresh.

It’s a lemon entry.

For the full STW miser effect you need to deep-fry it and apply to your chain as well.

Boring. Get back to us when you’ve made your own bum cream from Veet and Tabasco.

Tanning lotion? I thought it was all about bleaching these days.

Chuck some fake-tan cream in too. Go against the bleach trend

Oh yeah, it is the Nivea fake tan cream. That’s all they had on offer, guessing due to the time of the year.👍

Poopscoop’s bum by next week

You’ll end up with Musketeers Arse*

*A dark tan yin

Lol 😂

More s*** comes out of Trump’s mouth though…

For the full STW miser effect you need to deep-fry it and apply to your chain as well.

😂

And then lecture everyone else how much better it is than anyone else’s hoop cream, lasts ALL BLOODY WINTER! 😂

The man with the Golden Perineum.

I prefer getting a natural tan, not a fake one

https://www.independent.co.uk/topic/perineum-sunning

Tinting your taint?

Try adding some scotch bonnet chillies. You will definitely be riding quicker with this performance enhancement.

I am genuinely unsure why I clicked through to this. I would think other ingredients might be useful. But less amusing for getting fake tan.

For the full STW miser effect you need to deep-fry it and apply to your chain as well.

Well of course the real beauty* of this is that because you fry it up in batches, you can apply it to multiple bums at once, and rotate them over the course of the winter to maximise the time needed until you next have to apply it.

* I mean figuratively, not literally of course…

THis thread though – none more STW 😀

THis thread though – none more STW

Wasn’t sure if it was satire, but not gonna ask for pics as proof.

Occurred to me today that I also want the cream to have an antiseptic in it. I think all Chamois cream should have this anyway.

So… Added one of those little handbag sized bottles full of antibac you use on your hands.

That should be all bases covered now. Tried it on Zwift yesterday with no ill effects.

Might take a selfie later to make sure no odd colour change is going on…

No it shouldn’t be antiseptic, you need to keep your flora flourishing. Apparently.

How about some PTFE?

How about some PTFE?

Wot? Plumbers tape?

you need to keep your flora

How many tablespoons? Is any margarine OK?

Occurred to me today that I also want the cream to have an antiseptic in it. I think all Chamois cream should have this anyway.

Why not go the whole hog and add some Mould Spray?

Revised poopscoop arse prediction for next week.

I would think other ingredients might be useful.

Veet perhaps?

It’s winter and I wonder if your lotion might leave you feeling a little… damp and chilly.

Wack in some Deep Heat to the mix, do your zwift thing and let us know if that helps.

Add olbus oil

I’m using mashed potato and glitter. Can’t remember why

Pffft, grit and iron filings is all I can afford.

Just done 52k on Zwift. Bum on fire. All the cream in the world doesn’t seem to help with a butt that just doesn’t like my saddle…

I’ll upload a pic in a bit. Can’t bend over yet.

Just done 52k on Zwift. Bum on fire.

Needs more deep heat in the cream. Or possibly some mayonnaise

Could try sudocreme to soothe it.

I’d suggest using a cat as an applicator.

Just done 52k on Zwift.

I think I can see the problem.

Seriously. A bike stuck in a turbo trainer is prevented from doing those little rocking motions so your arse is suffering.

There is an element of that mate I’m sure.

I get it on the fs and ht too though. All have variations on the same saddle though. Spec Toupe, 155mm from memory.

Going to have to start swapping out saddles which is a pain in the, well, arse.

Blimey, I thought I was being cheap making my own beard oil!

I could send you some of my beard oil to try on the bum? I could then market it as a beardy bum oil.

For the full STW miser effect you need to

Offer to smear it over other people’s bums for the price of postage?

“beardy bum oil.”
haha. coffee on my new laptop.

Are you approaching this from the wrong direction? As with other primates, your red, inflamed arse might be a sign that you are coming into ‘season’?

If so, it will be a temporary problem. As long as you don’t encounter any male baboons.

Bad news; your cream already contained a good dose of biocides to prevent it from growing bacteria when you stick your fingers in the jar. That should be sufficient.

The best antiseptic for spots and pimples, cat scratches and general small injuries is Corsodyl mouthwash. If you get a hot sore spot on your face, which you know is going to be a zit the next day, dab Corsodyl on it with a cotton bud. It will sting a little but the spot will be gone in the morning, headed off at the pass. The active in Corsodyl is chlorhexidine, which is used to prep people for operations.

Chlorhexidine is the active ingredient in Savlon.