Shouted at by walker – what whitty response should I have come up with?

RS the voice of the righteous

Ranting ramblers who are always selectively deaf on your approach from behind-

‘where’s your bicycle bell’

…. Same place as your rear view mirror!!

“when did you get voted in as sheriff”

One I’ve been saving up and not had a chance to use yet…

“This is a footpath, you shouldn’t be cycling here”
“Are you in the Ramblers Association ?”
“Yes”
Well, think of me cycling along here as a one man modern day re-enactment of the Kinder Trespass”

In the end she asked him whether or not he’d ever been fisted

Nice response. I’ll modify that for the next time an old lady asks me if I’m aware I’m riding on a footpath. ‘Have you ever been anally penetrated!’ and then ride off chuckling…..

Now that might be a reason to call the police, and I’ll be on the register in seconds flat.

Seriously. Be nice but firm with these people.

Shouted at by walker – what whitty response should I have come up with?

(sic).
None, is it really that important? And I doubt any form of witty, intelligent and/or rude reply would even register.

some nutter dressed in a plastic yellow mac with matching hat & boots stopped me a couple of w/ends ago as I was approaching a gate on some local common land…

started taking photos of me <so she said> as I rode towards it, telling me to smile for the camera as she was going to report me to the council. She then made a pathetic attempt to block my way through the gate. It was all a bit bizarre !

watch out kids there be weirdos in them woods.

Kev

I would’ve said something along the lines of, “givvus a kiss darlin”

‘Have you ever been anally penetrated!’

You can see the headline now;

Police Seek Pervert Cyclist who Propositioned Elderly Dog Walker

Maybe;

“I’m the environmental vandal? Do you know the CO2 emmissions created by keeping the average dog?”

So she called you an “environmental vandal”, but you think she’s responsible for putting logs and even wire across trails?

And you still haven’t thought of a pithy response?

Come on, we haven’t got all day.

Tell her you’re a hologram and don’t really exist in material form.

‘You do know this is a footpath’
‘Really ok?’
‘You are breaking the law’

“That’s nothing, last time I was up here I was burying the body of the last miserable old busybody who had a go at me.”

crazy-legs for the win.

Why not just say the truth:

“I know I’m breaking the law and don’t care – I only obey laws I think are reasonable, regardless of how this stance affects others. Anyway, it’s a civil law so there’s nothing you can do about my being here and I don’t give a damn about your views. FO.”

“Je suis désolé, je ne parle pas anglais”

I don’t think blaming the French for your riding misdemeanors is very morally acceptable. Although French taunting along the lines of “your mother was a hamster” and “I wave my private parts at your aunties” would work.

BELTUPANDFUGGOFFOUTTOVITYAMADAULDCAAAHHHNT..!

usually I just put on my best Jane Austin heroine voice.. and reply with

‘really..? how silly. that’s awful.. something should be done about that.. that’s really not on.. how terribly unfair.’ etc etc

If they’re in a really bad mood and won’t under any circumstances be charmed though.. I just give them a shrug and very cheerful
‘it’s an awfully good job that I’m so flamin’ ignorant then isn’t it.. otherwise I wouldn’t be able to get home.. now please.. please.. for your family and friends sake.. just please try to enjoy the rest of the day you crazy diamond..’

I usually say nothing and wait for them to push me off my bike into the undergrowth despite my best efforts to let them by without hindrance.
😐

Do you know the CO2 emmissions created by keeping the average dog?

Are you feeding coal to your dog? 😕

stop dead still and stare deep into their eyes then shout “i’m tandemjeremy and i can do what i want biznitch!” whilst hitting yourself in the forehead and violently waving the other arm about like a broken wing.

always works

‘Actually you are you are an environmental vandal….’

Response:

“And you’re ugly. But I can stop being an environmental vandal.”

Walker; you’re not allowed to ride through here.
Me; yes I know, but it’s not my bike.
Just throws them long enough for you to be gone.

Are you feeding coal to your dog?

As Don Simon said, you did the best thing for that type of person. It doesn’t satisfy the ego but the moral upper hand of politeness always wins. It’s only those capable enough to realise that will notice, however.

A retort could have consisted of: your pets are descended from wolves, you are an evolutionary vandal. Or: horses cause far more damage to bridleways than MTBers do to trails/woodland/anywhere.

There’s always asking for evidence, or questioning her lifestyle habits in terms of environmental damage. I bet she drives a 4X4!

I hate when this happens, it bugs me for ages afterwards too.

By being polite, without admitting you’re in the wrong (which you were if it really was a footpath), I think you did exactly the right thing.

Angry shouty types are usually totally disarmed by cheerful good manners.

which you were if it really was a footpath

Nah

“Oh. My. God! Someone said exactly the same thing to me 5 minutes ago! What are the chances? Amazing! Of course, they’re dead now.”

Then start opening your rucksac.

Spit in their face.

Spit in their face.

Or a good punch…grannies don’t like a good right hook to the face.

Indeed, which in itself is a good reply. But yes most STW’ers could deck a granny.

Just be over-the-top polite. When people are trying to start an argument with you, nothing pisses them off more than a polite response.

“You shouldn’t be riding here”
“It’s lovely to see you. Hope you have a wonderful day.” In a cheery voice. And then ride off. Nine times out of ten you’ll then get abuse shouted at you from a pissed off walker, yet they’ll have nothing to report you for.

But yes most STW’ers could deck a granny.

TBF, not sure that’s true….

I had a “lady” tell me I shouldn’t be riding up a bridleway. (Chinley Churn) because “your causing a mess, there’s lots of tyre marks up there” We had a brief discussion as to whether she had walked through the puddles or round them, and I ended it by suggesting she had no right to spoil my enjoyment of the countryside, and that she was a very rude woman.

Went well….

Just smile as you ride by, and say: “Golly gosh, call the police!”

In a protracted discussion with a rambler: Are you the landowner, because if you aren’t, you have no right to complain or block my passage?

Actually some of the responses given above border on the agressive. Not nice whatever the provocation by the old lady. Maybe you’re not the first mountain biker she’s had to deal with whilst out walking her dogs on the footpath

Try being nice and apologise if necessary.

And if you don’t then don’t dare complain the next time you come across a car blocking a cycle lane.

Sorry to get factual instead of funny but Lordswood is private land with a number of footpaths passing through it. I assume you had permission from the land owner to ride where you like so it doesn’t make any difference if you are on a foot path anyway.

It is a bit like a farmer driving his tractor across a field where there is a footpath, he doesn’t have to get out and walk on his own land.

Tell her that if she is seen allowing her dogs to foul the path again we will serve her with an exclusion order preventing her from walking within half a mile of the woods. She has been identified by a number of the woodland users as a public nuisance so ask to take her name and address so you can report her to the Forestry Commission. She will probably refuse so then get your camera phone out and take her picture and pictures of her dogs.

I did this when she had a go at me and she ended up running away with her hands trying to hide her face.

Made me smile

Tell her find a bloke and then knock the scab off that thing between her legs and get some excitment in her life – seems polite enough for me!

A particularly memorable retort to one walker having a right pop at us, came when did the 3 towers bivvy ride.

We’d ended up having a quite heavy night when we stopped (I know who i hold responsible for that). Beers, curry and then hip-flasks aplenty. As we packed up and set off in the morning, we were accosted by mr boring-red-socks, lecturing us on how we were damaging local wildlife by riding on the footpaths

Before any of us had a chance to retort, one of our number, who’d been looking pretty ropey from the off, dramatically projectile vomited, Mr-Creasote-style all over the grass directly in front of him, splattering his walking shoes. We all then rode off, leaving him quietly reviewing his freshly decorated shoes 🙂

Hadge, you smooth talking barsteward.

Find myself bemused by these posts because everyone is so friendly at Cannock. Walkers step to one side and smile when I pass, horse riders wave and say hello it’s another world

I called an irate female walker a “f*cking dick” when she screamed abuse at me last week. The look on her face was priceless

99.9% of walkers I’ve met have been polite…stepping to one side and controlling their dogs.

One old man I met on a bridlepath was horrible. But I think he was just a horrible person so I ended up feeling sorry for him.