Shared houses – Dumb things housemates do..

Mine:

Dry soaking wet washing in the house because apparantly the neighbours cat might wee on the line.

Run the hot tap the entire time while washing up, as apparently our water is unlimited

It beggars belief 😯

anyone else?

Guy I was at Uni with shared a house with a couple of complete scumbags – including one bloke who boiled fresh pasta in the kettle so he didn’t have to wash up a saucepan.

ha, good time saving tactic though right.

Housemate at Uni spent a whole year off his face on drugs, pills, coke, ket, acid, the lot. I mean on a daily basis too.

He had a bedroom but as far as I can remember he never slept in there once- every morning without fail he’d be crashed on the couch utterly comatose after endless binges.

Totally random, off the top of my head:

Put the hob on one morning, put the plastic kettle on it, went to bed- almost burnt the house down

Called the police saying there was some kind of armed robbery in the house and that he’d locked them in the bathroom- it was me, having a shower, like I did every day at that time

Changed his name by deed poll from Ian to Max. Given his state most of the time, I was actually impressed that he managed this.

Mistook all our other mates clothes which were in bags ready to move in for rubbish, and promptly binned every single one of our mates clothes ( :lol:)

After being given the responsibility of looking after two of his mates kittens (no idea what the story was here) he left them in the cellar where they disappeared forever, presumably dead.

Fell down a manhole and had to be ‘rescued’ by several passers by

Ian (now max), I salute you

first term at college people were all signing on with new doctors. Tim our housemate has an appointment and is asked to take a urine sample with him. He seems perturbed at this.

The next morning we see him outside in the rush hour bus queue. Holding a brim full cafetiere of dark steaming morning fresh piss. This we find stomach tearingly hilarious. The it dawns…. he doesn’t own a cafetiere .

The main thing I’ve ascertained from house mates and other people’s house mates, is that the vast majority of males between the ages of 16 and 89 shoudn’t be allowed to look after a goldfish never mind themselves.

shared a house with someone briefly
Me ” its your turn to wash up”
Very angrily ” **** off i did it last week”

Haha, some absolute crackers

I lived in a 6 bedroomed house first year of uni, 3 boys 3 girls. Some girls are right dirty bitches.

Had a shared house with a mix of phd students and workers and 1 scumbag scrote from town. He stole everything from the kitchen, notes were left in boxes along the lines of *£%£T££ scumbag but to no avail, scooter appeared in the back garden one night so called police – his face when we told him they had fingerprinted it.

Finally after he had nicked the communal hoover and a heap of food and spirits and disappeared for a while we got the land lord involved who told him to sling his hook. He finally came back to get stuff when we confronted him, his mate who was with him had the common sense to let himself out… A cash settlement was arrived at.

Shared halls for first year of uni. 10 of us in total, with 2 toilets, and a disabled toilet with a wet room style shower in it as well as two shower only rooms.

My mate always used to use the disabled toilet/shower and would somehow manage to soak the entire floor including the toilet seat etc when he showered. We asked him one day how he did it – turns out he used to stand there having a shower and tried to pee across the room into the toilet because he felt like it!

We had a stack of plastic chairs in the shared kitchen, one of the girls decided to leave her iron on the top of them after ironing one day and forgot to turn it off. Que iron shaped hole in 10 seats and a load of melted plastic on the floor.

One of the flat mates went a bit ‘odd’, didn’t leave her room for days on end, turns out she was shitting in the sink in the room so she didn’t have to leave. Her parents came and got her.

One of the toilets one day had a picture of Mira Hindley’s mugshot on the back of the door, so whilst sitting down you had her staring at you. Very strange!

One of the girls was very well spoken. But one day we heard her on the phone to her parents, talking with a really heavy Scottish accent. Turns out she was from Scotland, but liked to sound posh when she met new people, and had kept it up for nearly a year!

One of our room mates was actually just a drug dealer, and had signed up to go to uni simply to sell drugs. Think he made some good money from his year of further education.

People are weird…

Had a housemate when I was a student in Leeds. Saw him very rarely. He would go home at weekends and mummy would ship him back on Monday with a weeks worth of meals. First week this happened he burnt the sausage casserole she had made him by trying to grill it from frozen.

Never saw him cook another meal again.

He moved out and I inherited his room (a massive step up from my box room to his huge attic room). Went into the room for the first time and neatly stacked against one of the walls were thousands of Pot Noodle pots – all spotlessly cleaned.

Very odd. Think he had plans of joining the army…

Cheers

Danny B

The other one was a Uni housemate who was a mate from shool who turned a bit weird at uni, he had the box room, half way through the 2nd year he started missing lectures, then labs then started disappearing for days on end, one day came back to find the room was empty – apparently still in contact with his parents he finally reappeared about 5 years later…

One Cambridge physics undergraduate. Caught trying to fry an egg whilst holding the pan 3″ above the electric hob….in order not to electrocute himself…

Or the female law student, aged 21 who still slept in an all-in-one romper-suit. Even when “entertaining”.

Once, many years ago I shared a house with 5 other guys. We were all young and away from home for the first time i suppose. We all worked at the same place and had a uniform that was put in the wash when we got in from work.

Would never have done to buy more than one evening shirt now would it.

Long and short of it being that first one out of bed in the morning got the pick of the clothes for work that day. Not very Rock n Roll i know but the other stuff would take some believing.
Will now spend the evening reminiscing. I image I will be back to this thread.

Had another housemate who would only ‘service’ his girlfriend on a Friday and told her off for snacking as it would ruin her dinner.

Very odd. Didn’t share a house with him for very long…

Cheers

Danny B

Oh. The guy who had every available surface covered with pictures of what we hoped were Female chocolate starfish. Only the windows escaped.

The one who used to obsessively pluck every body hair and would happily sit around publicly plucking any that had the temerity to spring to his notice.

Some girls are right dirty bitches.

You say that like it’s a bad thing.

Another that used to blow “snot rockets” into the sink.

Three that went to Spain for a week and when they came back dumped all the soiled clothes in a cupboard. It was still there four months later.

First year at Uni in Leeds I lived in some pretty scummy halls with a few blokes, one of which was this very odd Finnish guy. He used to sit in a dark room listening to Marilyn Manson most of the time. Except one night when he went out to an international students meet up.

Imagine our surprise then when he came back a few hours later and told us:

‘I’ve been stabbed’

Oh shit! What the ****, that’s terrible’

‘Yes I’ve been stabbed, by a whore’

‘Er ok’

Turned out he had been completely pissed, ‘asking for directions’ to the bar where the meetup was, and was asked for money. He refused and when he was asking someone else a bit later she came up behind him and stabbed him in the back with the (rusty) metal bit off a steak knife.

The funny part is that he then carried on to the bar and met up with his international chums, planning to carry on drinking, until they noticed that he was bleeding and still had the knife sticking out of his back! He got to bring yhe knife home with him in a bag – looked properly nasty. Still not see whether there wasn’t something more to the story than just asking for directions.

This same guy was on another occasion getting off with a girl in a club, when I went outside to make a phone call. Saw the girl he had been getting off with leaving very sharpish looking a bit disturbed. Apparently he had told her he wanted to ‘**** her up the arse like a dog’ (among other creepy stuff).

The main thing I’ve ascertained from house mates and other people’s house mates, is that the vast majority of males between the ages of 16 and 89 shoudn’t be allowed to look after a goldfish never mind themselves.

Nah, women can be as bad.

Friend of the wife stayed last week. She’d been for a bath and was sat downstairs. I went upstairs to find lights on in the bathroom, bedroom, hall and stairs…

The one I served with in the army that used to suck him thumb to get to sleep.

Several previous housemates from different houses came to know me as the “shit machine”

Just regular if you ask me, I’d be more worried only needing to go once every three days. That ain’t right surely.

Cougar – Moderator
Some girls are right dirty bitches.
You say that like it’s a bad thing.

I’m talking bathroom dirty not bedroom dirty. I shan’t go into details but we’re talking used products *shudders*

one bloke who boiled fresh pasta in the kettle so he didn’t have to wash up a saucepan.

This is a complete fail. You boil the kettle, peel back one corner of the packet of fresh pasta, pour the boiler water in, then microwave it for a minute. Pour the water away using the packet as its own colander, peel the lid back, stir sauce in, microwave for 30 seconds. Shake powdered grana padano on. Another 30 seconds in microwave. Eat from packet, with fork. Wipe fork clean with kitchen towel and spray of kitchen cleaner. Zero washing up, no weird use of kettle. (Our shared kitchen is bloody miles from my workshop!)

Some girls are right dirty bitches

girls in a house I lived in used the downstairs toilet for themselves. one of them accidentally blocked it up, but they carried on passing solids on it for several days; even after it overflowed.

First year I lived with a chap in halls who was very sporty and fit. Turns out he didn’t know how to look after himself- he’d through away plates instead of washing them OR stick them in the cupboard so they just got mouldy. Didn’t know how to cook and all he ate was pizza, chips, chocolate, crips & curries. I’ve never seen a guy get soo fat so quick. Impressive really. Should have seen him by third year..

In my second year at uni I shared with a mate who turned into the most unhygienic tramp. He’d wear his PJ trousers and a tshirt for 3 weeks without changing once! He’d happily go to tesco, on the bus, to lectures in his own filth. He’d also shave his man parts in the sink and leave the hair in it.. Also openly admitted to going for a crap and then using the shower straight after when we ran out of toilet paper. You should have seen this guy in the kitchen.. handled raw chicken then wiped his hands on MY clean kitchen towel and generally spread raw meat all over the kitchen/house. Surprised I didn’t develop OCD. He also prayed on the very drunk when he was perfectly sober..

Third year I lived with a Lithuanian and a Welsh chap who were undoubtedly paedophiles- even stating their concern for the future. We lived down the road from the secondary school and when it was kicking out time they use to watch all the girls walk past and follow them from window to window. Also some suspect pictures put up on the walls of their rooms. Not in a banter way either. Needles to say I’ve voiced my concerns.

Difficult to cherry pick the best, there’s so many.

+1 girls being messy bitches.

Lived with one guy who had a very sheltered life – butlers, house staff etc.

Came to uni and we had to teach him how to use the kettle, toaster, oven & turn on the cooker etc. Used to frequently come home to find him sat there watching Gilmore girls but with the gas on. Usually it would of been on for a few hours too, he’d always reply & say “why doesn’t the cooker/hob turn itself off? The mircowave/toaster do…” Gone to great success.

There’s also the lad who spent the vast majority of his time out of his tree, he used to curl one out in his garden after every night out. His bedroom window was on the ground floor & opened onto the garden of Eden. He’s now a lecturer of maths at one of the best uni’s in the world.

Probably the highlight though is taking it in turns to play the motd theme tune & give a running commentry when ever one of us scored, if she came – round of applause.

If find a girl who’s tidy, winning.

far too many dodgy ones

aberystwyth
the welsh farm girl at uni whod barely left the farm her entire life and got paralytic on half a cider wed have to carry her back kicking and screaming at 7pm every saturday

the self styled enviro-anarchist vegan nutjob who wore a leather trenchcoat and cowboy hat at all times and had bottles of gin stashed all over the house, would occasionally violently rant at you during breakfast about the bioapocalypse

cambridge
the psychiatric nurse in cambridge who moved out leaving the hole hed gouged in his mattress and a huuuuge stack of porn

the geordie lad – mtber infact- who would get smashed come back at 3 am try and cook some food pass out and fill the house with smoke, every freaking time- housemate went in the shower one morning,forgot something, popped back in her room and found him **** on her bed

the african student who only ate chicken and cooked it by boiling it for hours, the smell was grim

the very attractive but unhinged spanish girl- she once tried to force her way into my bedroom while i was on the phone with my missus- i had a lot of explaining to do!!
my other housemate ended p sleeping with her after a pilled up night, when innevitably he cooled off her (he was engaged) she went mental screaming that she would steal some aids infected blood from the hospital where she worked and inject him in his sleep

the security guard at addenbrookes who proudly showed me the BSO hed stolen from the bike sheds there
he also demonstrated how handy he was with his set of knives by throwing them into the kitchen door, when his girlfriend left him I locked my door and pretended to be out while he drunkenly sobbed outside

London

the american chef whos visa had expired, dissapeared owing rent when we ventured into his room our suspicions that hed never used the washing machine confirmed, around his bed compacted layers of clothes stacked a couple of feet high, hidden within the strata were empty vodka bottles, ashtrays, kebab boxes, a load of my cds and some of my housmates underwear that had vanished.

the art student whos pleas for attention became ever more desperate- wailing like a banshee during sex, semi nude photo shoot in our kitchen, accidently braking the mirror in our bathroom while showering and then managing to cut her thigh then walking round the house crying dripping water and blood everywhere

theres probably more me and my friends were probably quite bad too

for me the worst thing about houseshares is the toilet roll situation

the self styled enviro-anarchist vegan nutjob who wore a leather trenchcoat and cowboy hat at all times and had bottles of gin stashed all over the house, would occasionally violently rant at you during breakfast about the bioapocalypse

I didn’t know you’d lived with Junkyard.

In one student house …

I lived with a Greek guy who’s mother had always done everything for him. I came out of my room to thick smoke and asked him what was going on. He was trying to cook rice on the hob.. But was unaware that water was required. I then gave him a frozen pizza to cook as he had nothing else left , I came out of my room a bit later to a funny smell and a confused Kristos with pizza on melted polystyrene base :-/

.. Then there was Josh who was convinced that his room had fleas and covered literally every surface of his room in flea powder … He then wondered why he itched a lot (coincidentally he did a lot of drugs).

The same guy was then asked to wash up as it was his turn. Admittedly there was a mountain of washing up to do but none of us expected to come back to an immaculate kitchen … But with 3 bin bags of dirty cutlery/crockery dumped on the swing bin. He’d binned literally every utensil, plate , knife and fork :-/

Some belters here!

I once shared a house with a proper spoilt little Jewish Princess. She was an utter nightmare. Absolutely bone idle and never left the house. She’d sit around all day in her dressing gown, with the heating on full belt, 24/7. When it got too warm she’d just open all the windows. Like you do. When the first quarterly bills arrived we discovered she’d also spent all day every day on the phone to her mates in Israel. At that point we booted her out!

One night we’d all been clubbing. Everyone was coming back to ours after. One of my mates left early. We all piled through our front door and flicked the light to be greeted by the sight of my mates hairy arse giving said Jewish Princess a right seeing too over the sofa. He was naked apart from a pair of fetching diamond-patterned Argyle socks. We never mention the socks that often to him really 😆

A couple more, went back with some friends for more beers after a night out to find on of their hose mates passed out on the sofa trousers down member in hand with Live TV (remember that?) on in the background, he had passed out before managing anything…

Other was a housemate where someone popped into his room to borrow a pen, it wasn’t the neatly stacked alphabetised pile of prono’s that shocked him most in the drawer it was the 2 or 3 years of date ordered & checked receipts….

Eh, there’s nowt wrong in organising your receipts!

This thread has made my morning 🙂 Brilliant stories here!

first day – girl who says “i’ve never cooked pasta.” We said “stick it in a saucepan for 10 mins or until it’s soft” 10 minutes later ” it’s not even starting to soften” No water in the pan! 😯

Indian girl who wouldn’t wash up due to “oppression of women in her culture”. When we moved out in june her stuff from valentines night was in the back of her cupboard!

girl who would only buy one thing in bulk then eat that for a month then move on. Through the year she had tinned meatballs, cup a soup and smash. I mean she only ate smash for 90% of her meals, some days she would but a bit of gravy on it, or occasonally a sausage, but mostly just smash!

Ooooh. How about the Scottish one who refused to eat any green vegetables. Because green was associated with Rangers and Catholicism. This was also “snot rocket”in the sink guy.

We had a snot in the sink guy at Uni. Never found out who is was.

This happened last weekend at a mates house.

All been for beers, we came back early. House mate was out still.

He came back later with a blood soaked badger that had been hit by a car. He tried to heal it back to health by wrapping it in a duvet. He was also in tears over the incident. The guys 40 years old as well.

Ended up calling RSPCA at 4am. The next morning there was a blood soaked white duvet and a huuuuge puddle of blood left. Looked very suspect.

Plyphon, that just reminded me.

One guy found a rabbit suffering from Myxomatosis. Would not let the others dispatch it quickly and took it to a vet. The vet at least did not charge him so he maintained.

Other than than that he was a thoroughly nice chap.

The binbag thing – I was round a mate’s house when one of his housemates was moving out. He’d put all his personal papers – birth certificate, qualifications, passport, driving license etc – in a binbag.. it was bin day…