My and the wife are going our separate ways 15yrs  and I have said I will move out and I did say the end of October so I need to get my skates on.

Wife and daughter  (13) will stay in the house there is 140k equity in the house but 9 years left on the mortgage, when I move out accommodation is not cheap around here so will not be putting anything into the houses outgoings as I will be renting, wife on a good wage but will struggle with everything. We worked out finances that we put 2/3rds of our take home pay into the joint acc and the other 1/3rd was for personal use hence she put more in but had more disposable funds.

We are very civil at the moment mainly due to me being out all the time  but she keeps asking have you found anywhere yet. It is a joint decision we have grown apart and a few things have happened to me which makes me want to make the most out of my life and enjoy it doing stuff!

Not had any solicitors advice yet as I,m a tight wad  but will look into it  as soon as possible.

Wife works away during the week 2/3 nights a week  so will still be going back to look after my child 2 spare rooms so thats not an issue.

Rich 🙂

So am I putting myself in a position as I have left  I am walking away from half the equity  plus whatever other things we have together?

You’ll get a huge variety of advice, from “lawyer up now!” to keep it amicable and agree everything between you, if you can. I’m in the latter camp, luckily stayed amicable ever since we split 6/7 years ago.
It’s life, these things happen, do what’s right for you. Good luck.

I’m really sorry to hear this Rich, thinking of you all

Don’t worry Houns in a good place shit happens 🙂

At the very least, talk with a solicitor for clear-eyed impartial advice and to protect your interests.
If situation remains amicable – great; be prepared for that not to be the case.
You say wife keeps asking if you’ve found anywhere yet; you are under no obligation to move out by end of this month despite what you may have said. Move out if/when you are ready – your timetable, not your wife’s.
Child access is hugely important; as you intend to leave family home be aware of how this could be perceived (and used).
As for money, it’s not as simple as house/equity; pensions will be treated as assets when it comes to divvying up – unless you both agree in a legally binding way this will not apply.
Using a solicitor does not mean separation & divorce cannot be amicable.

The cleanest way is to sell up and split the equity to fund new property each, otherwise she is stuck in something she potentially can’t afford and you are stuck renting.

Watch the pensions issue

Unless either party has something to hide you should treat it as amicably as possible

Get an agreement (covering pensions, bills, childcare and child maintenance amongst other things) with wife in place then go see solicitors. Make sure kid is sorted, however that works.kid is joint first priority (I’d argue it is first). Adults can look after themselves but kids need help.
Get yourself a place close-by (for kid) and get agreement that you don’t pay/contribute to mortgage and other house things as you have your own to pay – or pool them all and pay contribution to both.
If you get agreement before solicitors it will work out cheaper for both of you.
How is your kid with all this? Keep talking to them.
It will work out but there will be several highs and lows along the way.

Whatever you do, I think it is worth getting a solicitor’s advice as you don’t want to separate thinking your mutual agreement is it, to then have the rug pulled out from under you six months down the line. Probably better to know the best and worst case up front.

binding arbitration – much cheaper than using regular lawyers and more importantly less adversarial

Edit – half the equity is yours – do not walk away from it would be my position – plus half the differnce between your pensions

Sell the house now and split the equity to give you a stake for the future. She can buy you out if she wants

Tightwad or not, a hour with a solicitor is a pretty good investment to let you know where you stand and stop you from doing anything daft.

Best wishes – hope you work something reasonable out.

Sad to hear that Rich, all the best mate.

Works away 2/3 days a week? Wondering when you are leaving?
Affair.
Take care how you proceed.

Works away in different locations each week doubt she has time for an affair 😉 and i know her pretty well. Like I say this is a mutual split we don’t just love each other anymore or share the same outlook on life,and we need to move on I,m not getting any younger 🙂

Sorry to hear.

What is amicable now can soon change as / if new partners come on the scene or suchlike, so things need to be watertight.

Watertight protects the 3 of you now and in the future.

Personally I dont know if I could force a house sale if my children are settled, but you need to make that and other decisions with your eyes open, aware of the facts options. See a legal. Remember that you should be able to contractualise any agreement, so can hopefully come up with something that helps you all.

PS, got any good bikes going cheap? (sorry, couldnt resist)

Sorry, don’t know where you are located but Scotland/England have very different legal approaches to division of assets so make sure any advice you take from here is applicable. From experience, things can be very amicable right up until solicitors get involved, then it can go very wrong very quickly if they decide to get involved in negotiations for a settlement. Above all ensure access to your child is written in stone, do not allow them to be weaponised, and knock any attempt of that on the head sharpish. You may not think that would happen but never under estimate the sheer nastiness of solicitors and the depths they will sink to in persuading your ex that it is the best way to ensure the financial future of the child. Cynical? Me? No, just experienced.

nstpaul – you and/or ex clearly chose wrong solicitor.
I’m also experienced and call out your bitterness.
Family court will decide if parties & solicitors can’t.
The only advice Rich should take from the forum is see a solicitor; after first meeting he may choose to not go down the legal route but he will be able to take an informed decision.

Will not force the sale of the house no intentions on buying for a long time if I ever will again. Daughter settled and the biggest thing she was worried about was  moving from the house when we sat her down and explained the situation. Access will not be a problem we are basically doing the access thing now at the weekends.

No bikes will be sold 🙂 well maybe my wifes!! one of my hand me downs Ti Airborne Black widow dripping in Blue Chris King Maverick SC32 forks totally unsuitable for the lakes.

Taken on the payment of the camper van already as I use it all the time know doubt that will come up in the process.

Holy crap not a person I’d expected to hear this from but you never know. You take care Rich I’m sure you’ll both be sensible about this and hopefully your daughter will be fine.

franckconway- are you a solicitor? Just asking,not provoking.
I do think your being rather defensive regarding my comment hence asking. I’m not at all bitter, and to be honest I think you are in breach of rule number one by suggesting so. Hey ho, probably says more about you than me so crack on wee man.The OP was asking for advice, I was giving advice based on experience. If there are children involved then they are of the utmost importance,and this is not always based on financial needs. Your advice given is sound,and would not contradict it in any way.All solicitors are not equal, as in all professions, and some, not mine I will add, will put financial matters above any other considerations.
Anyway, I’m oot and I wish the OP all the best

Not defensive and No, not a solicitor; dealing with the great british public? No thanks.
Don’t need your patronising wee man comment; pathetic.

Agree with nstpaul in some respects. I think if either me or the ex had gone the solicitor route, it could’ve caused unnecessary grief and resentment. Which would’ve had an adverse effect on our son. As it was we agreed everything without anyone else getting involved and its worked very well. Obviously, very obviously, every one is different, so there’s no “at the least” about getting solicitor involvement.
Nice that my first post was proven correct anyway.

Please no falling out people 🙂

Echo Dracs sentiment, met you and your Mrs (Sasha, IIRC?) at Ardrock a few years back, seemed a right pair. 😊

All the best though, to you and your family.

Nothing to add but hope all gets sorted rich.

If I can do anything for you just shout.

Cheers

Sorry to hear about this mate. It’s a tough one for sure. In terms of how to deal with sorting things out, it’s a little bit horses for courses. If you and your missus can keep things amicable, constructive and fair, then good luck to you both. However, bare in mind that decisions you make now could have implications for both of you years down the line that you don’t fully appreciate right now.

Which is where lawyers come in..

I don’t want to engage with the polite discussions above re lawyers. Other than to say they’re all bastardios (only joking)

Other than to say a good lawyer will be able to advise you on the long term implications of what you’re thinking of agreeing to and also the extent to which it may (or may not) tie in with the usual way of doing things. This could well be advice worth shelling out a few bob for.

However, getting lawyers involved can work both ways. It’s all too easy for a lawyer on the other side to be saying (words to the effect of) “You could/should be getting so much more from this” which can be pretty powerful poison..

I’d suggest spending an hour with a good lawyer to sense check what you’re thinking of agreeing to. Money well spent. Don’t tell the other half at this stage, just a quiet word. Good advice is worth paying for.

But equally remember that most lawyers charge by the hour. Adversarial cases earn more money than those that are resolved quickly. Not casting aspersions like, just saying. And all from personal experience

Good luck and remember, the kid is the one that counts!

Sorry to hear that Rich.

If you have joint assets then I would certainly be getting a free hour with a solicitor just to find out where you stand. I’d consider staying put in the home first until you have sorted out asset’s and places to live etc.

Hope your daughter is ok. Just make sure that everything you two do is done with her in mind. We did this and our two came through it all ok.

I’m sorry to hear this has happened to you Rich, normally in situations like this someone will suggest that you get out on your bike to keep positive but I’m sure you won’t have a problem there!😀.
As always there’s a lot of good advice given already, from my own personal experience of being where you are now (albeit I’m a year down the road..) is that the lawyer situation is a personal choice. I didn’t go that route except for a free half hour meeting (with MG Legal in Lancaster) which was useful to check a few things. I found that if you can keep civil and friendly between you it makes things so much easier and cheaper – not just now but going forward.
If you can stay on good terms it means you can share events in your daughters life without drama overshadowing it.

On a positive note I am now in a far better place for separating – happier, healthier and enjoying life. Have better quality time with kids now my time with them is clearly defined (I do “my stuff” during my time so it doesn’t interrupt “our time”).
I’m in Kendal so if you need a hand moving furniture etc when you find a place, let me know.

All the best to the 3 of you.
Barry

Sorry to hear this Rich
Hope everything works out for you Sasha and Imo
If you’re ever back down this way give us a shout for beers and a ride.

Aren’t you ex-forces? And presumably you’ll have an RM pension of some sort? You’ll probably find that your pensions are worth more than the equity in the house. You really ought to see a solicitor, get the difficult stuff done up front.

best wishes.

go see a mediation service to discuss how to split. just use lawyer for divorce and clean break. Though some will say not even for that

Sorry to hear this Rich. I’m just about through a divorce and despite going the collaborative route and keeping things pretty amicable it has taken a while and a fair bit of expense. It would be worth understanding what fair might look like in terms of a settlement and taking it from there.Starting point generally is 50:50 on assets and remember this needs to include pensions as well (which can be worth a lot more than you might think) But the 50% is only a guide and if that doesn’t provide sufficient for your daughter your percentage could go down assuming she will principally be living with your wife. There is also an on line calculator for determining child maintenance which varies with how many nights she is with you. IMO be open, keep it amicable and make sure your daughter doesn’t feel like she is in the middle of a battle. You will probably need some help round Financial Consent orders etc a bit later in the process. I left the house quite early in the process which I think was best all round. It had no impact on my right to equity. Near in mind that settlements end up being very much down to individual situations so no 2 settlements will be identical. Good luck

If you ar splitting up then go the whole hog and go for the divorce now with one of you admitting to adultery so it is quick – the adultery won’t affect the split anyway.

If you separate the 50/50 split is applicable at the time you become eligible for divorce, so any assets you or the wife build up in that time, like pensions, are subject to the 50/50 split, and one of you will get the hump with this, leading to a breakdown in amicability. Plus the financial uncertainty of not knowing what the situation will be is a kicker and adds a lot to the general depressive situation.

Plus if it is amicable finding enough reasons for unreasonable behaviour (that are ‘true’) is difficult.

(don’t think no-blame divorces are a thing yet…)

I used the legal services from wikivorce.com and kept it amicable and pretty cheap as well (although not as cheap as some of the tight-wads on here…), I’ve posted about this before so look it up in my history as they were lengthy posts, but it all worked out well.

go see a mediation service to discuss how to split

if you are not argueing that is a waste of time – they won’t give you any advice that is worth anything legally – like what constitutes a fair split.

Better to both go the same solicitor for advice – keep it all transparent.

I went ot one to see what it was going to be like, but wasn’t impressed.

The best bits of advice I got two and half years ago was approach your ex partner like you would an ex business partner.

1. Be swift, fair and reasonable with the finances. Get em done quick. Get em done right for you. Work out a reasonable solution and put it in writing.

2. You aren’t partners now and it’s always a shock when you actually realise this. One of you will probably move on to someone else quickly, even if it’s just a rebound thing. The amicability can change extremely quickly, particularly if your ex moves someone else into your house. Might not happen, but I’ve seen it more than once. So prepare yourself for a shock and either keep it in your pants or keep it to yourself.

3. Both you and your ex have one, only one, priority now. You know what that is and you know what do say and do and what not to. Stick to it and your child will thrive. Deviate and they will suffer.

Commiserations and congratulations. It takes guts to walk away after so long, but if it’s the right thing to do for you then it has to be done. You owe it to yourself to live your best life.

Cheers for everyone that has contributed and passed on the good will. Got  a new place to live with a friend who is very outdoorsy,  had him in mind and we have confirmed only problem is its an extension thats not finished yet, plus points its in Staveley so even closer to the trails  🙂

Getting on top of my finances at the minute no savings as such unless I sell shares  so priority is to get overdraft down and finished and possibly switch my credit card(all my purchases).

Wife has a decent wage and pension so will be really sensible about them doubt the 3 pensions I have will come anywhere near hers but I don’t want to factor them into the equation.

Weekends and Holidays (Italy Divide) getting booked mainly riding to keep myself occupied and obviously all the ladies are forming an orderly queue 🙂

Tough times Rich, keep your chin up…
Both my kids are going through the same, kids same age as Immy + 2 younger. 1 had things sorted until recently, the other was and is very, very messy. 1 is lucky to have a similar (ish) relationship re kids, the other not so good. We don’t know all the details but a serious mental health issue occurred earlier in the year which is not what we needed just as we “retired “ from work and “Mums” health took a dive……
Look after yourself…… Far, far too easy to become detached

Best of luck John, look after yourself, and your wife mate. 💙

Better to both go the same solicitor for advice – keep it all transparent

One solicitor can’t advise the two parties – or that’s what we were told some 20yrs ago when we tried to do it that way.

I went through this with my ex wife a few years ago . we stayed sensible , didn’t involve solicitors and both came out of it OK and still friends . The children didn’t have any more upheaval than they had to . 14 years down the line we are still friendly , the children turned out great , we are both happily remarried . It could have been so different if we had been dicks . I think I lost out slightly in some ways but I certainly didn’t get taken to the cleaners as often seems to be the case . I was of the opinion that getting legal people involved was something I would only do as a last resort not as an opening salvo in discussions . Most on here seem to think that is a stupid way to go , perhaps I got lucky .

Works away in different locations each week doubt she has time for an affair

Errrr. Does not compute.

All the best dude.

Moving in with a friend sounds like a good shout, just make sure you are still friends after.