Rubbish Dad.. help required

Hey all,

I’m not usually given over to navel gazing and woe is me type posts, but I could do with some advice.

We’ve got two lads, the oldest is 5, youngest 2 next month.

When CJ (the oldest) was about 18 months old I got made redundant and ended up working away during the week for nearly 2 years, I struggled at weekends to get that bond back and he is very much his mums boy.

I’ve always struggled to get on with him, I seem to have exceptionally high expectations of him and can’t get it into my head that he is an emotional 5 year old (this morning he cried because the last piece of curly pasta got nicked by the dog).

He’s a sensitive lad (which I like), but gets scared of everything – even kids tv is scary to him and no matter what I try to do he just ends up wailing, in the end frustration wins and I end up telling him off.

Mrs Bedds is now fed up of the constant arguments and (and this is the bit I hesitate to write) I can see me and my dads relationship forming in me and my boy (I hate my dad, always have done). Thing is, I can now kind of see where he was coming from, but the thought of CJ thinking of me what I did of my dad is heart breaking.

Work is stressful at the moment and that’s not helping, but I don’t want to use it as an excuse.

I’m tired of the yelling too, but can’t see to just let it go.. I’ve just got to the point where I now hate me too

Any thoughts the STW hive mind can offer would be really appreciated 🙁

I think you have answered your own question there mate.

Take a step back and remember the lad is only 5. Take him down the park just the 2 of you and kick a footy about.

And the thing about high expectations, every parent wants there child to do well, but they want them to be happy too. And these 2 often go hand in hand.

Give him more hugs. Let him know you love him. Pay him attention and read him stories. Probably rubbish advice, but it’s about the best I can offer.

quality time needed (got twins btw, boy and girl, have to manage their expectations quite carefully) – looks to me like you could do with taking 5 yr old on a boys weekend (camping or something) and getting to know him better and what he likes and doesn’t like – he’ll also appreciate you giving him 100%

I’m tired of the yelling too, but can’t see to just let it go.. I’ve just got to the point where I now hate me too

This is no doubt made worse by your missus molly-coddling the lad. (That’s my experience) The only thing that I can suggest is to make an effort to do dad and lad adventures as often as you can. Burn stuff, knock stuff down, get a bit of danger involved. In other words find something that the two of you can do together.

Cheers for the quick replies, it’s a good point, I don’t spend any time with him and the missus does molly coddle him, he knows he can go to her for protection

My sympathies. I sometimes think being a dad these days is an impossible job. I’ve never quite worked out how to balance work and home life while at the same time having time for yourself. I also had a strained relationship with my dad when I was young and can see some similarities with my kids. The best solution I can offer is to spend time with them without mum around. It doesn’t have to be anything special, just doing normal boring things like taking them to school/nursery, shopping etc. It’s difficult to balance with work but not impossible. Good for mum too as it gives her some time to herself.

As for the sensitivity/him being scared, I’ve found they grow out of it eventually. My two are 10 and 7 now and both of them were terrified of everything as a 5 year old, but they soon toughen up so just hang in there.

Actively seek new employment, closer to home with less stress. Your marriage and family life is in danger and that’s more important than a big money job. No one goes to their death wishing they had spent more time in the office.
Been there done that and I should have moved job. It has taken the last 8 years to get back to a good relationship with both my children and Mrs Sandwich.
Remember “This too shall pass”.

Bringing up a young family is difficult Bedds, at the best of times. Add the pressures of work, money, etc and at times things will get frayed. Don’t beat your self up.

When people get stressed they usually revert to core behaviors and character traits, good and bad. It’s also normal to reflect our own fears, frustrations and aspirations in our children’s upbringing.

Perhaps this is about gaining a fresh perspective?

It might be worth breaking the cycle and trying to do something new together. Something that you can both do together and (the difficult part) something you can say ‘whatever’ to if he flips out whilst doing it.

Things often happen in phases with kids and you may find his behavior changes competely in time. You may have to go with the flow for a while though and be as patient as you can. Eventually you will both succeed together, if you put the hard work in.

HTH

Also mate don’t stress to much about one particular trait in his personality it’s easy as a parent to end up thinking there is something wrong with your kid
Look back a few years at the stuff you worried about I bet it’s mostly not an issue anymore

Full sympathy here. It’s really hard watching your kid make the same idiotic mistakes you made. Even when they’re five, you remember stupid stuff you did when you were five, see them doing it, and naturally want to jump in and say “No! Don’t do that! It’s a bad idea… Argh, see? What did I tell you! You idiot!” Or I do, anyway.

Kids have to make their own mistakes, it’s the only way people learn. Protect him from immediate harm, offer your help with everything else but let him ignore it if he wants to. Relax! Nobody’s perfect.

Now, if only I could follow my own advice. 😉

As for the sensitivity/him being scared, I’ve found they grow out of it eventually. My two are 10 and 7 now and both of them were terrified of everything as a 5 year old, but they soon toughen up so just hang in there.

Yeah, school soon knocks the fluff out of ’em…

The World of parenting is an imperfect place. It can be frustrating at times and this boils over into “grump dad” mode. Only you can fix this but at 5yo a lot of his attitude to life will be forming so the best I can offer is let him choose some activities and just roll with it. Try to revisit the situation with the pasta for example, later on, when everybody is calmer and rationalise with him about what is worth getting upset about and what is not. Mine (girls)are 10 and 12 now and I still have to work out priorities and ride emotional roller coasters often, but less so these days except they now seem to have boyfriends!!! though it seems that they haven’t even held hands yet which is re-assuring, for now.

Good luck, don’t give up!

spend as much as time as possible with him.

I have two boys of similar ages and it’s the youngest who really knows how to wind me (and his mum) up. Just this morning he was driving his mother and I mad but after she’d gone off to work I sat down and played dinosaurs with him and it was all good again. There’s no substitute for a wee cuddle and a bit of time spent with them.

As already said, take him to teh park for 1:1 football, cycling, cricket. Just spend some time with him. 5 and 2 is a big age gap, so you need to do things specifically for the 5 yo. No real memories of my father, so had few expectations on my part.

3 boys here, you have my sympathy. It isn’t easy.

For bonding activities, start simple – Lego together, maybe a game (Xbox or otherwise) you can play together. Move on to a sport or something, get them outside – my lot are never happier than when just digging a whole in the garden and making their own narrative for it (sometimes trench warfare, sometimes archaeology..)

Don’t be scared to about ‘getting it wrong’ – everyone does. It’s learning from it and the overall relationship that counts.

Remember to treat the other lad as an individual, not jst a smaller version of his brother. This is the bit I continually forget and have to check myself about.

Good luck!

Huge sympathies, parenting is tough. As above, 1 to 1 time where you sent trying to teach (e.g. football) but rather just having fun. You need a break too

Twin stepsons here, aged seventeen. One hates me, the other thinks I’m great. It hasn’t always been this way and I daresay won’t always be this way. All I can do is maintain the boundaries but continue to encourage and be consistent.

It’s so very hard, especially if you’ve had a poor relationship with your own father and are frightened of carrying any baggage forward. Releasing yourself from any expectations is key, because not only are you putting pressure on your boy, which he’s barely able to comprehend but you’re also putting massive pressure on yourself.

You’re perceptive and keen to do the right thing, which is absolutely laudable. So many dads out there aren’t.

Give yourself a huge pat on the back for manning up and articulating the issue, then go and tell your son that you love him no matter what.

Without doubt, being a Father is the hardest job i’ve ever done. Children are constantly changing. Some great advice on here. Just keep loving them, and remember, they’re individuals, not mini versions of you. Eventually, they’ll want to do there own things, have there own interests and you can only accept and encourage them.

Some good advice on here already. I’ve watched a mate turn into the father he despised, took a spot of counselling to get him – and his relationship – back on track. At least you have seen this trait in yourself, which he couldn’t see at first.

If you aren’t a sensitive or highly strung person, you won’t understand a sensitive highly strung kid, what they need, or how they see the world. May I suggest a read of this:

Very interesting and useful.

As for bonding activities, may I suggest whatever he wants to do with you! Not what other people’s kids want to do with them! He may not like lego, xbox, burning things, danger etc.

Feeling pressured to live up to other people’s expectations is never going to help.

Firstly, don’t blame mum for Molly coddling. Ok you might not like it but that’s her relationship with your boy, critiquing that is a step to blaming her for your problem, that’s not what you want is it?

If you can’t manage to stay calm with him (don’t blame you, not a parent and can’t imagine how difficult it must be and how I’d manage) then try professional help, classes etc. Yeah yeah you don’t need it, seems to much for small problem etc. But it’s only money and it’s an active step to try and mend problems before they are problems, you know from your own experience it’s not where you want to end up.

I know it’s easier said than done but you need to relax around him a bit more. It’s very easy to stress each other out over something very small. The last piece of pasta IS very important to a 5 year old. All my kids have this thing about leaving the best thing till last on their dinner plate and it takes effort to eat the stuff they don’t like and leave the thing they really want to last… so for the ferkin dog then to nab it (or worse still your sister) can be devastating.

People will say take him to play football, take him to watch football, take him camping, take him biking etc etc but that’s no good if he doesn’t enjoy those things or you’re going to push him too hard to be good at that thing. It HAS to be something he enjoys, even if thats ballet !

…and every child is different. My eldest loves playing and watching football, sinks when in water, has only read when school has told him too, and is scared to death of horror films or even thrillers with scary music. My youngest hates football, swims like a fish, has never got his head out of a book and loves to see the Orks get mangled.

If I’m honest I wasn’t relaxed enough round my eldest and it started to show in the ways you’ve mentioned, but you never are with your first born. Now, with my youngest I’m super laid back being older and wiser (I hope) and as result it shows. Luckily I did learn to relax around the eldest before we messed everything up, mainly because the other two kids came along in quick succession !

Reading books together is good, but not Harry Potter FFS ! Get the Tin Tin books or Captain Underpants because they’re more like cartoons and you can both have a laugh at them.

Walking was good for us too, but again not an epic. Something with a little scramble and a sort of summit so he knows he’s achieved something and then with an Ice Cream shop half way round or at the end… and tell him he’s in charge, he’s the navigator, let him carry the map or the compass and think that he’s choosing the way. The Edale loop is a great walk for all of that. If you’re local to it and want the loop let me know.

From what you’ve said I had a parent like your and I was the first born but I even found the positives to take from that by consciously doing everything differently from the way my mother was with me, which for a start was a hell of a lot more relaxed !

I could go on and on, and I appreciate these are just my experiences but hopefully it’s of some help.

Buy him a bike. Go riding.

Get some proper dad time in.

I have just done this with my 7 year old and are both loving it.

Speaking from experience with our 3yo you could try…[note: smartarses this is a suggestion not proposed as a panacea]

DOn’t focus on or draw attention to the sensitvity, you’ll only exaggerate it. If he needs a cry let him get on with it and and move swiftly on to the next think but without insisting he stop first, keep it flowing

“Oh the dog ate your pasta, nevermind, get your shoes on, can you find your coat, have you got your bag.”

If he’s got the next thing to think about he’ll stop dwelling on the bit that’s upset him. They’re like goldfish, high maintenance, hungry, destructive goldfish.

Its a hard task and sometimes some of what your child does is hard to tolerate
For example I cannot play football with my youngest and he cries [ he is 8 now] if he gets tackled and insists its a foul. Last time he lost his temper and whacked me in the shin and then tried to kick me in the nuts as hard as he could. He does the same at school with his peers [without the violence – cries at nothing his football coach termed it]. Its hard to not get cross/embarrassed/ frustrated at this but all you can do id hope he will grow out of it and slowly try to move in the right direction

Little is to be gained by shouting at him for it as he “cannot help it”- it will take time for him to learn to control his impulses.

Find things you can do with him that are just Dad and son time from throwing stones in water to walking in parks to football to riding to whatever.
the best thing you can give them is your time and your patience. it is not always easy.

Its also hard when Mum’s approach is different from yours
IMHO many mothers overly protect their kids and over react to things.

Finally congratulations for noting what is happening and evaluating your relationship with your father and not wanting to repeat the mistakes he made. Change can be hard but the first step is identifying the issue now you need to address it. None of us are perfect parents and we all do things we regret and we can always improve as a parent
Best of luck and remember to enjoy your time with him. Soon enough he will be embarrassed to be seen in public with you and you will miss this time

As for bonding activities, may I suggest whatever he wants to do with you! Not what other people’s kids want to do with them! He may not like lego, xbox, burning things, danger etc.

I see what you’re saying, but if he’s introverted and not got a great relationship he may need a lead in to build confidence before he’s prepared to honestly answer the question ‘What do YOU want to do’.

I think wellies and puddles are quite universal. I worry about the same with my lad aged 2, ive been working away for 6 months, just changing that now.

He likes Daddy back time. But he does take a little time to get used to Daddy being back around.

dont try and replicate or do what mum does. She has been with him and will know what makes the kids tick. Try and fill in the gaps and get a perspective from the kids view. You have the opportunity to do all the fun stuff and a chance for the kids to have a break away from the day to day things.

What helped me was to find something I could share with the kids and introduce them to some things eg Bikes, games and general tom foolery 🙂

I see my dad in me but recognising the good and bad things can help change tact in certain circumstances. You’ll never get it always right but most of the time is better than none.

Its a pain in the backside but also fun when it works out! Dont be hard on your self you’re not the only one!

I see what you’re saying, but if he’s introverted and not got a great relationship he may need a lead in to build confidence before he’s prepared to honestly answer the question ‘What do YOU want to do’.

Yeah, but you don’t have to ask directly – just observe and join in, or if he doesn’t want you to then start doing it yourself. For example, if he likes lego but doesn’t want to play with dad, then dad can go and get his own lego and start playing with it in the same room and start sharing. Just an idea.

I fully sympathise with your situation, as I have been in the same situation for the same reasons for the last five years (since my youngest son was 3 months old). I don’t pretend to have answers but you are not the only one out there.

What has helped for us (appart from a very understanding wife) is that work allows me to work from home a day a week which means that the weekend can be more than a quick turn around & I get to take the kids to school at least one day each week.

With the dad bit no-one gets it right but if you fixate on what went wrong with your childhood you are more likely to repeat it (Personal experience only). There is some far better advice than I can give above about spending time with your kids. Just remember that somewhere in the future at least one of them will realise you were just doing the best you could.

Thanks all, some brilliant stuff quoted, too many to mention individually, I’ve just spoken to the Whiff, I’ve mentioned the dad time and will make sure to start that as soon as I can, off to Lego land tomorrow for the weekend so will make an effort relax

I’m feeling better already, knowing some stuff to try for me feels like a plan to fixing the problem

My lad is 16 now and they don’t get any less insecure, they just get better at hiding it. I’m thankful that when he was very small we would sit down and read together every evening before bed and I would give him a piggy-back upstairs, so we got some quality time together. Now he’s almost as big as me I can’t do that but we do enjoy cycling together, which is a good bonding activity. I also wish I was around more for him; five or six overseas trips a year don’t help.

Lots of good advice here, to the point that I don’t think I could add anything new… but rather agree with bits that chime with my experience.

1) It’s impossible to get it right all the time.
2) You are trying, you know it’s not quite right, and you want to improve. That’s a hugely positive attitude and puts you in a position where things will slowly improve.
3) I’ve learnt not to judge a 5-yr old. 5 is young! My nipper gets scared at Scooby Doo, but will jump out of a tree, it’s all good.
4) 1-to-1 time is vital, but not in a pressured way. If you spend ages getting a toy/activity that you really think is ace, but he plays with the box… that’s fine, just roll with it and enjoy the moment (after all that’s what your goal is).

Good luck.

ps I work with kids and see lots who have poor relationships with their parents and their parents don’t care, you’re not in that position and should be proud of that.

pps if all else fails for dad-son-fun then find mud, mud is always fun 🙂

Well as long as I don’t come home shit faced every night, I’ve got my dad well beaten.

splashing in puddles +1.
(Kids are 11, 13 and 45 according to the wife…..)

I take the wifes comment to our daughter as a compliment – “you’re as bad as your dad”

TO be fair, I have trained the little one to give me a high five anytime after that comment, so maybe she has a point.

Haven’t read the whole thread so no doubt already said, but just let him be himself, and if that’s a bit of a soft lad at the moment then so be it. They’re all different, and their characters develop in their own way. Just make sure he’s a boy who doesn’t ever question whether or not his dad thinks he’s awesome 🙂

Also, wrestling. As often as possible.

Let him talk, while you listen, even if it is nonsense. Get interested in what he’s interested in. Learn to say “what’s the matter?” when he’s upset and listen to the answers. The dog eating the last pasta might just have been the last straw.
Don’t judge your boy – he’s 50% your DNA remember.
Don’t judge your wife – providing emotional security (molly coddling) is part of the Mum’s job description.
Remember – he’s only five…
Take a deep breath and count to ten…

Yeah, but you don’t have to ask directly – just observe and join in, or if he doesn’t want you to then start doing it yourself. For example, if he likes lego but doesn’t want to play with dad, then dad can go and get his own lego and start playing with it in the same room and start sharing. Just an idea.

I wasn’t actually suggesting asking directly (necessarily) but maybe that’s not clear when posted