Ridiculous marketing blurbs

Let’s have all your examples of ridiculous product descriptions, whether that’s over-the-top raving about ordinary products, weird Chinese translations, impenetrable marketing-speak, blatant meaningless greenwashing or whatever.

I’ll start:

Elegant, fashionable and rich artistic feeting, to bring you unlimited new high quality of life experience.

A pair of metal drawer runners. No, I don’t know what feeting is either.

*cough* Fresh Goods Friday *cough*

That Pinarello video…..my gosh, that one definately meets the Ridiculous marketing blurb brief!! I absolutely detest that AI voice used in Youtube vids.

“If it’s not on STRAVA it didn’t happen”

Go away you odious narcissists. I’ll choose to record or not record any activity I undertake and your opinion in this matter is irrelevant.

Cake not Strava!

Cake not Strava!

On a t-shirt would require no marketing at all.

Maybe “Cake Not Segments”

“make the trail come alive”

STRAVA

Sad **** Racing Against Virtual Arseholes

Using the word tactical when marketing clothes and outdoor equipment to overweight middle aged men.

When savage climates offer no salvation, ThruDark garments are the defence you seek. Embrace adventure and the elements without your clothing letting you down

X-rays specs, no they were cheap shite

weird Chinese translations

A German translation on the sleeve notes of an album I bought from a charity shop once (“Zither Pops 2 – Hubert Wolf and New Electric Zither Party Sound” for any aficionados of pop covers of Bavarian folk tunes on the worlds only electric zither) said that the record was ‘The ideal music for dull parties’

How about:

…the first razor designed specifically for men’s leg shaving. Built for a man’s hand. Tuned for a man’s coarse leg hair. Feels just right.

Anyone that listens to the now dead Collecting Cars podcast may be familiar with some of this drivel from the newest Aston Martin Vantage release. Below are just two examples but the whole website is littered with shite like this.

Forged to be the most infinitely fine. Vantage is defined by an all-new interior, brushed with flawless lines, exquisite materials, state-of-the-art connected technology and positioned perfectly for driver centricity. Leaving your ears, eyes and limbs stitched into the limit of comfort.

Punched with poise, darted in dynamism, Vantage meets its new lease of power with growling muscularity. A body destined to beat away force and drive deeply into your heart.

Leaving your ears, eyes and limbs stitched into the limit of comfort.

That’s disturbing. Sounds like the premise for a horror film.

‘Every Day Carry’

Makes me vomit a little bit everytime. No, you do not need a field watch, a flick knife and a Multitool to go to your office job and then take your kids to Sainsburys at the weekend.

Nothing will ever beat the Man in Dandism though.

A hero amongst JDM nonsense.

‘The ideal music for dull parties’

proper laugh out load 😀

These things, and there are many, which ‘are taking the world by storm’. Anyone ever seen any of them being used in the real world, or even heard anyone mention them? No? Thought not.

(Do scams count or we are just looking for genuine marketing BS?)

…the first razor designed specifically for men’s leg shaving. Built for a man’s hand. Tuned for a man’s coarse leg hair. Feels just right.

Have you got a link please?

Can I add to this list anything “curated”. Yes, Condor Cycles, I’m looking at you.

“Bodyform  for you”

Well I could never get them to fit.

All of Kaiju Beers…erm… Beers are named for weird monsters which leads to tasting notes like:

After being crushed to goo at the hands of the Mechaguaranadon, this mysterious beastie plots future devastation from within the hop cocoon.

A hop-forward profile with aromas of citrus, tropical fruit, and resin, balanced by a clean malt base and refreshing hop bitterness.

Seen on a local fried chicken fast food joint recently.

“Our Chicken Fulfils Your Purpose”

It’s not you, it really doesn’t make any sense…But what a slogan, right?

I dunno, someone mentioned the On-One Thunderhound e-mtb hardtail on another thread. This is the site description:

‘Summon the force of The On-One Thunderhound and charge up those hills with ease. Give 2 fingers to the uplift and experience the power to take you up climbs. With The Thunderhound, you can go further than you ever thought you could, meaning you can ride smarter AND harder.

The Thunderhound serves as the ultimate mile cruncher, it promises thrilling experiences and becomes a fantastic companion for those pushing their limits in outdoor pursuits. Whether scaling mountains or traversing vast landscapes, this bikes stands ready to elevate any adventure to new heights.’

I don’t know if that’s ‘ridiculous’ or just par for the course. Or vaguely satirical. Is it maybe AI? Are proper words too expensive to use these days?

The ideal music for dull parties’
proper laugh out load 😀

It was part of a whole essay in the back of the sleeve

“ ‘I can listen to this’ says the trained violist or trumpet player”

it ended with the slightly sinister “Even stiff dolls will unbend”

Theres an excellent example of marketing anti-nonsense that I saw as a magazine strap line.

Often publications will have a clever, witty title, but then need a strap line beneath it to explain what the mag actually is, so an example ‘Wallpaper’ magazine has a strapline ‘The Stuff that Surrounds You’ to indicate its an interior design magazine with a clever title  and not a decorators trade journal, a diy mag or a salesman’s book of anaglypta samples.

What tickled me is there used to be a magazine called “Scottish Woman Magazine” which had the strap line “The magazine for women in Scotland”. Basically the same three words in a different order. It perhaps helped clarify that it wasn’t a magazine about just one nameless Scottish woman.

Literally any sporting event. “they’re making history here”.

Well, yes by definition as time passes now becomes then and therefore history.

Our design language is understated and restrained with nuanced details that distil a group’s esprit de corps in a way that’s meaningful and personal to the owner yet remains opaque to the wider world.

@MoreCashThanDash it just landed in an email from these folks: https://www.boltshave.com/

I did not share with you: IF SMOOTH IS WRONG…THEN I DON’T WANT TO BE RIGHT. OR NOT SMOOTH.

or: Masculine look & feel

I hope they send a sample. I come from a long line of vigorously haired women. I reckon I could put their claims to the test – though maybe my hands will be too small.

I once bought turf for my garden because the blurb was so amazing I just couldn’t resist. I didn’t know I even cared before seeing it, then having read it knew I had to have this exact grass.

Product information

Beautiful lush, green cultivated turf freshly harvested and delivered to you. Our turf is delivered fresh daily from our Turf Growers Association-registered grower. This market leading turf is the first choice for landscape architects, head gardeners, groundsmen and home owners who demand a perfect, first-time result. A low maintenance product, it’s grown from the highest quality blend of seed (Perennial Ryegrass, Slender Creeping Red Fescue, Strong Creeping Red Fescue and Chewings Fescue) on a particularly nutritious soil type to look and feel great for the long-term.

We send £350 million per week, let’s fund the NHS instead.  Vote leave.

Anything described as ‘tactical’ usually by some shite American voiceover. A tactical hoodie ffs ,so you don’t need to layer up, so you get too hot and take it off and you are freezing in 5 minutes (great idea)

WTF is a “field watch”?

Cake not Strava!

What tickled me is there used to be a magazine called “Scottish Woman Magazine” which had the strap line “The magazine for women in Scotland”.

Probably written by the same people who code the [?] button in apps and websites. “Flirtdangler[?]” – “enables or disables the flirtdangler option.” Thanks, I always wondered how tick boxes worked.