Thanks deluded – you’ve just brightened my day substantially! 😀

Into a condom then freeze it?

Into a condom

it’s going to be tricky to explain why your poo is full of spermicide though…

Just… logged in.

Is it wrong to be proud of achieving all seven poo types on the Bristol chart? (not at the same sitting tho’)

it’s going to be tricky to explain why your poo is full of spermicide though…

Isn’t everyone’s ??

Isn’t everyone’s ??

Yeah, better safe then sorry.

Best thread for ages Proper LOL cheered my Monday up

Still laughing about this!

A mate had to do this when he had worms.

He screwed up the jar, and was then concerned that the worms would suffocate and die, so he punched air holes in the lid.

This enough?

it would be rude not to consider the presentation.

deluded, that vid is class, pissing myself, lol

A quarter the container is plenty for most tests.

Jesus, my doc told me just a smear would be fine! 1/4 of a container would require far too much digging around and measuring for my liking!

I had the pleasure of having to do this a few months back.

Biggest issue I faced was how to get it from, ah, source to destination. You can’t do it directly, surely? There’s no way my nipsy could squeeze out something that narrow without fitting some sort of icing bag attachment, or a funnel arrangement or something.

The alternative seemed to be to go as Thomas Crapper intended, them fish out lumps of Richard from the bowl. But I was concerned that watery, bleachy tagnuts would be sub-optimal for analysis purposes.

I ended up hacking off the bottom of a 2L Coke bottle to use as an intermediate hopper. Now let me tell you, you might think you know where the hole in your arse is, but all bets are off when you’re sitting on the throne with your arm between your legs, brandishing around your nether regions a sawn-off plastic bottle with an edge that could be used for really niche shaving, trying desperately not to lay a cable along your wrist. One false move and you’re going to end up with wounds that are going to take a considerable amount of explaining.

Once you’ve got a deposit, and you obviously don’t need much (though crimping off mid-poo is trickier than you think), you’ve got an immediate issue of now having a steaming receptacle of doom in your hand whilst you’re still mid-thrutch and quoting Magnus Magnusson. So you’ve got a bit of a quandary as to which to take care of first. If you’ve luckily managed to restrict your output to just the inside of the pot, you can at least put it down for a minute whilst you sit and think.

Filling the vial is, unsurprisingly, tricky. When the human body’s excretion system was put together, the ability to chop up a soggy Morph with an ice cream spoon wasn’t high on the list of design criteria. Nonetheless, with a bit of patience it is possible to get a couple of scoops in the damn thing (and all over your hands and legs). You particularly need to be aware that the stem of the scoop is quite springy, and has a tendency to ‘ping’ its contents about the place. Fortunately, most modern bathrooms have easily wiped tiles.

Once you’ve got your vile vial, you’ve still got the hitherto unconsidered problem of what to do with your impromptu catcher’s mitt. To be honest, if you’ve come this far then I’ll leave this as an exercise for the reader. You probably don’t want to stick it in the bathroom bin though.

as someone who had to give regular stool samples for holiday work (worked in a chicken factory while at uni) we used to discuss how best to do it

the accepted method was to put a newspaper in the shitter, poo on it, scoop the necessary then tip poo down bog, flush and bin the newspaper.

a mate’s mum used to make him go to the bottom of the garden to shit on the paper which always made us laugh, and someone else put a on a marigold and then shat into his hand 🙂

<salutes Cougar>

You sir, are part of what makes our country great.

chomp – why on earth would the owners of a chicken factory need regular stool samples from their employees?

why on earth would the owners of a chicken factory need regular stool samples from their employees?

To see if they are asymptomatic salmonella etc carriers.

*rocks back and forth*

Mu-mmy!

*whimpers*

You sir, are part of what makes our country great.

We aim to please (and to miss our fingers).

Seems to have killed the thread, though.

You probably don’t want to stick it in the bathroom bin though

That’s the bit that made my ribs hurt. The rest just made them ache a bit from suppressed laughing.

Colleages at work wondered why I started laughing whilst reading Cougar’s tale (so true!)

Now aged over 60, I joined the bowel cancer scheme which asks for 3 samples every two years. One of the methods they suggest is using your hand covered in toilet paper to catch the sample. Bollox to that idea thanks very much. Pondered a few days about doing this then I had a readymade meal & had a brainwave – why not use the container?

So with trepidation I sat on the bog with the various bits of equipment placed on the bathside. Placed the container in bowl & waited. The idea of trying to squeeze out something small wasn’t successful (use your own imagination :roll:). Lifted container out (carefully) & proceeded to scrap off a sample. The smell and being that close isn’t that pleasant either. As Cougar says, the stick isn’t really built for the job & I was a bit scared it would jump and flick the sample anywhere other than where it should go. Dumped remainder in bowl & flushed out the container followed by bleaching.

This I have to do 3 times over three days. Anyway, been clear so far.

why not use the container

I hope you washed it well otherwise you maybe diagnosed with madras poisoning!

where’s the OP?

he’s still in the bog, cutting up takeaway containers and fishing for richards in the bath.

I was a bit scared it would jump and flick the sample anywhere other than where it should go.

You really do need to be careful not to end up with a face like a public schoolboy.

you maybe diagnosed with madras poisoning!

… risk of slipping into a korma, etc.

This forum needs a like butten

*likes* cougar

I must have far too much time on my hands while I should be working. However, having seen this I feel the need to share…

you know you want to…

last week i had to do this, i unwrapped a fresh dog egg from the bin in the park

I havent had the results back yet.

*likes* cougar

\o/

I havent had the results back yet.

“We’ve got the results of your test back, Soobalias. It would seem that congratulations are in order, you’re expecting puppies.”

**** me cougar, I’m in a busy office, tears rolling down my face and giving myself a hernia trying to hold in the laughs.

A very well presented offering from Cougar.

Surely the remains of the plastic bottle should have gone in the recycling bin………..,or perhaps not.

OP is still alive and well with his pride still intact – just.

All went well this morning – had a trial run last night to check my method. If you are going to do this, you want to make sure you do it properly, and can deliver the goods when under the spot light.

My chosen method was some old tupperware. Managed to poo something that was certainly not listed on the Bristol scale, but hey ho bacteria are bacteria and I guess they are not in a position to be too fussy.

All going well until I got to the surgery and immediately fell in love with the young perky breasted Australian receptionist. I asked what should I do with my stool sample and did it need to go into the fridge, apparently not, and it was left to fester for four hours until the mid-day collection. Not sure why but she seemed reluctant to offer me her phone number.

Never washed my hands and arms so thoroughly in my life, like a surgeon scrubbing in for an op. Must have washed three or four time before I risked eating anything.

My chosen method was some old tupperware. Managed to poo something that was certainly not listed on the Bristol scale, but hey ho bacteria are bacteria and I guess they are not in a position to be too fussy.

You’re running the gauntlet there, with a very real risk of splashback.

Once you’ve got a deposit, and you obviously don’t need much (though crimping off mid-poo is trickier than you think), you’ve got an immediate issue of now having a steaming receptacle of doom in your hand whilst you’re still mid-thrutch and quoting Magnus Magnusson.

😆

Genius.

I’ve had to give three… every time though I get given a bag with vial, tinfoil cup and rubber gloves, so easily done 🙂 The worst bit is handing it into the doctors, especially as I filled mine to the brim so no mistaking what was in the clear vial wrapped in a clear bag!