Out of the mouths of babes

This surely has legs.  What have you lot got?

My other half is a WFH childminder. One of her wards is a precocious 2-3 year old who’s learned the word “why?” I don’t think she knows what it means, but she’s worked out that it garners attention. I was nipping out a couple of weeks back.

“What are you doing?”

I’m putting my shoes on.

“Why?”

Because I’m going out.

“Why?”

I’m going to the shop.

“Why?”

Because I need to buy some things.

“… are you going for dirty beer?”

During the summer holidays we save boxes up for some twins who then make things out of them.
One made a castle the other made a space ship. On showing me the picture of the ship he described all the bits , the thruster , the fins etc.
I asked him if he was going to the moon in it , he looked at me as if I was dirt and then replied ” no ,it’s a cardboard box”
A 4 year old well and truly put me in my place.

We were babysitting our 3 year old granddaughter and she came to see me working on my bike in the garage. She soon got bored and went back into the house to play with her dolly. When her mum came round to pick her up, she was just putting a bandage on her dollys arm (her mum was a nurse).

Mum asked “has dolly hurt her arm?”
Child replies “Yes, it is proper bolloxed”

For some reason her mum then glared at me!

My son many years ago, talking about our cat…. “Mummy, Roxy’s perving”

My daughter, also many years ago… “Grandma, I’m watching Netchix”

My daughter last night and a decade older… “When we go to Florida next year, do we have to go to a gun range?”

I remember tickling my daughter and as i did so she let rip with an amighty fart…

She just turned to me at 4 years old and went “dad.. you know my tickle circuit is connected to my trumping circuit..”

Because I need to buy some things.

“… are you going for dirty beer?”

In a similar vein, a classic from a mates daughter…

”is that mummy back from the supermarket now? I can hear the wine bottles clinking up the drive”

”You can’t. Mummy buys her wine in boxes”

At a family gathering.

Gramps,you’ve had two wives. Which was your favourite?

In the car with partner, 2 year old son and my mum. Quiet for a few moments then….

“Who’s King Shite?”

“errr….”

“Dad talks about him a lot”

Had my godson staying with us, I was administering breakfast and had the option between skimmed and whole milk.

Me “So, do to want Blue Cow milk or Red Cow milk on your Weetabix?”

Him: *Stunned befuddlement*

Me: “Are you O.K. there?”

Him (very quietly and nervously) “Ummm I’m not sure, all the cows near us are black and white”

Bless his little cotton socks

Mother talking to her two young boys in Winchester Cathedral, explaining that William Rufus’ grave is one of the oldest things in the building.

” What, even older than you mum?”

Incidentally,

What inspired this thread was a comment from a friend elsewhere on the Internet, “My child asked me this morning if they had cars when I was little.”

Sitting watching TV with my pal’s daughter who must have been 3 or 4 at time.

She lets out an enormous couch-rippling fart (she’s definitely her mother’s daughter)

And continues to watch TV unmoved.

“was that you?” I said

“no”, without turning her attention from the TV “I was the bears on the television”

“But there aren’t any bears on the television” I replied

and she turned to me and said witheringly “they’re on the other channel”

Asked Funk Jr who is favourite Star Wars character was when he was about six “Bob the Vet” was his reply.

We’ve never sworn around the kids and when Funkette was about four she was trying to put a towel on the radiator. After several attempts and watching the towel fall to the floor for the umpteenth time, she sighed like an old man, shook her head and in a weary tone muttered “for **** sake”

I am 50, yesterday my colleague in her 20s asked if i remembered the moon landings

I’m 62 and have worked in the same school for 34 years. Today a pupil asked me if I taught her great great grandmother Enid.

Can’t claim credit as don’t have kids but this is the first thing which sprung to mind.

https://youtu.be/IVwnAyw6m0Y?si=gdBz8tsadPwUUIlG

We have one child, she’s an 18yo now.

Two perticular incident stand out among many,

When she was 3 or 4 she I’d bring her to the local independent wine shop when I was stocking up.

One time owner offered her a small chocolate bar,

As said, only child, she takes the bar, says “Thank you, can I have one for my little brother ?”

I’m surprised but impressed, but before I can catch myself I say “Emma, you don’t have a little brother”

To which she puts on a puzzled expression, turns to the owner and says “Can I have one for my little sister”

I said nothing and let her blag the second chocolate bar.

= = = =

Second incident, picking her up from the creche, age 3, she turns to the female manager and says “My dad has a tail!”

Cue brief moment of puzzlement for both of us, followed by simultaneous penny dropping, then big red embarrassment faces on the pair of us…

A friend’s son once turned to his mum and earnestly asked her ‘mummy, do policemen say f*** as well?’

I volunteer at the local primary to read with the kids, one of them was having a bit of trouble with her phonics.
‘b-a-t-h. Bat-h?’
‘oooh, nearly. So you know those first two sounds, but remember, if we put the t and h together, we get the th sound. So it’s b-a-th, bath’.
*Confused face* ‘but it’s bath, not Barth?’
‘ah yes, that’s because I come from another part of the country, and we pronounce it a bit differently.’
*Long stare*
…
‘My mummy says that’s posh.’

My 4yo sat having his dinner:

“I’m not a knob.”
Me: “excuse me!? Where did you hear that!?”
Him: “You called that man a knob when we were driving.”

Or the time when he was out in the car with my wife and he piped up with “that bloody digger’s in the way again!” I had a few questions to answer later that day.

We’ve never sworn around the kids

yeah, my 3 year old’s pronunciation is still quite poor, and yet, when he can’t quite get his toy car to balance in the way he wants, he mumbles under his breath what can best be typed as “ughhhh… unk sake” and wanders off. Pretty sure I know what he’s saying, but I don’t think mums picked up on it yet. I hope it wasn’t me that taught him it.

To be honest, I see it as quite a communicative and emotionally aware expression! Better than his sister who’s never heard swearing so has had to invent her own “poo poo bum bum wee wee”.

When Mini 10 was a toddler, he and Mrs.10 were driving somewhere. Someone darted across behind her as Mrs.10 backed out of the drive, and she had to jam on her brakes. In response to this, Mini 10 said, “**** People”.  It’s a proud dad moment!

‘Oh dear, have you been sick?’

‘yes’

‘Are you OK?’

‘Yes?’

‘Were you eating cat food?’

‘Yes!’

(dry, at least)

Many years ago, niece about 4, upon unwrapping a Christmas present…”not another bloody puzzle”.

Nephew about 5, came into the kitchen complaining older nephew (7ish) had kicked him, voice from the other room “no I didn’t, I was kicking myself and he got in the way!”

A mate’s son, aged 6: What’s for tea?

His mum: Sausages

Son aged 6: Not **** sausages

His dad: What’s wrong with **** sausages?

Apparently that wasn’t very helpful.

LOL!

My sister trying to teach her middle son to say please and thank you:-

Him – Mum get me a Fanta

Her – pardon

Him – I want a Fanta

Her – pardon

Him – are you ****ing deaf

Trying to get out the house at the weekend and we couldn’t find my 6 year olds shoes

Me – Luke where are your shoes ?

6 year old – I’m gonna say the USA

My 5yo boy informed me that what I was suggesting he do was a dumbass idea. I requested clarification (probably with amusement written all over my face and tone of voice)  so he changed the wording to bad instead of dumbass.

I don’t openly swear around the kids either, refraining if within earshot. Looking forward to not minding my language so much when they’re a bit older although I don’t swear a great deal anyway.

My sister in law picked up her then three year old daughter from nursery and the teacher wanted a word, apparently one of the toys was broken and my niece took it up to her when asked what was the matter she replied “It’s **** ed.”

I’m 62 and have worked in the same school for 34 years. Today a pupil asked me if I taught her great great grandmother Enid.

Well … did you?

When i was a teenager a friend told me about an incident when he was very young and somewhat naive. A man came to visit his parents in order to discuss a mortgage/loan or somesuch. It was a “very important meeting”and he was warned to be on his best behaviour.

The man was very large. Said friend was a bit suprised by how large and remarked loudly enough for everyone to hear “Mum – that man’s really fat!”

“Be quiet Daniel” said his Mum.

“But he is Mum, he’s very fat”

“Yes Daniel – be quiet”

“But you told me to always tell the truth. He IS fat!”

He was so large that they had to open both the double doors so the poor chap could get into the living room – something never normally required.

“See – I told you he is really fat!”

It must have been incredibly embarrassing for everyone but Daniel, who was very upset that he was just being honest.

Little one in church one Sunday after a Sunday school experiment.

At some point in the proceedings the vicar in his sermon mentions “Jesus Christ”

Little one proudly, at the top of her voice to a hushed congregation “My Daddy says that !”

Second-hand, but my mate took his young daughter to a tourist attraction where one of the features was a child-sized house with a child-scaled lounge, kitchen, etc. He saw and heard one of the other children pick up the child-scaled phone, say “how many times have I told you not to call me here”, slam it back down and stomp away in a huff.

We took our 4-years boy to the local Christingle service.

The vicar appeared. The lights were switched off briefly and back on as he started to talk about Christ, the Light of the World; all very significant

Later he told his grandpa, “…and then there was a power cut”

Twenty years later and my wife has decided that a pouffe would be a worthwhile addition to the living room, “You can’t say that!”

A friend of ours found the family hamster lying lifeless on the kitchen floor.  She explained to her tearful 4 yr old daughter that no pets live forever, sometimes they die and that’s all part of the natural scheme of things. She then told her they’d go to Pets at Home and buy a new one. Little Emma cheered up and said

“I’ll have to make sure I don’t stand on the new one won’t I?”

Last school term my daughters class were learning about private body parts (she’s 7).

That day I came off my bike on the commute to work and cut my leg / bruises etc.

Got home and she was in the kitchen – I showed her my bruises / cut knee. My daughter then said “I hope your penis is ok”.

A friend of ours found the family hamster lying lifeless on the kitchen floor.  She explained to her tearful 4 yr old daughter that no pets live forever, sometimes they die and that’s all part of the natural scheme of things. She then told her they’d go to Pets at Home and buy a new one. Little Emma cheered up and said

“I’ll have to make sure I don’t stand on the new one won’t I?”

A bit of a diversion from youngsters, but a similar tale of coming to terms with mortality. My GF coaches a team of older swimmers with various disabilities and additional needs. One of the swimmers told her at the weekend about a budgie that she had adopted. It had been found in the street, had seemingly been hit by a car and had broken wings and couldn’t fly – it had been taken to the police station to see if the owner could be trace but seemingly noone wanted it, it was seemingly abandoned and she could keep it “So I took him home and put him in a cage and he died. I called him ‘Lucky’ “

That 2 year old might be smarter than you think: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_whys !

This thread shows one of the best things about having kinds.

The absolute greatest thing my lad ever said was during a car journey, and went thus:

Him: “Dad, what does that red letter L mean on the back of that car?”

Me “Ah thats called an ‘L’ plate, L stands for Learner driver, its so that I know they are learning, they might make a few mistakes, and I can be extra careful and patient when driving to give them plenty of space as they might not be very good at driving yet”

Him “Maybe Mummy could have some of those for when she is cooking”

I absolutely creased so hard I nearly had to pull over. Mum, in the left hand seat, not so much.

Oh and another good one:

Him “Dad, what does disabled mean?”

Me (exhales, oh boy, here we go) : “Well son, its when peoples bodies might not work the same as ours…..” (cue long drawn out, very tactfully put explanation of disabilities and why we shouldnt discriminate, not all disabilities are visible, everyone has a superpower, etc etc… “Why do you ask?”

Him “The TV says its speakers are disabled”

He saw and heard one of the other children pick up the child-scaled phone, say “how many times have I told you not to call me here”, slam it back down and stomp away in a huff.

Oh, that reminds me! For background, one of my wife’s friends is a bit of a battle axe, and her poor husband runs a small specialist engineering company, so long days at the workshop.

One of the first times I met them their 3 year old was playing with a toy phone, pretended to answer it and said “What are you doing at the workshop at this time?” Short pause. “So what time are you coming home then?”

Dad found it hilarious, mum less so.

Out of the mouths of babes…and all down the back of your jacket.