My daughter's gone off nursery

Last month we started a nursery attached to a primary school, 12.30-3.00 each day. For the first few weeks it was fine, now she’s decided she doesn’t want to go and it’s not fun any more. Which is pretty much what we thought would happen.

Last few days she’s complained, today she really really complained. If it gets worse she’ll have to be physically forced into the car, and we a) can’t do that from a physical point of view and b) wouldn’t want to from an emotional point of view.

Bribery doesn’t work, she is just really miserable about the whole thing. The question is, how miserable should we make her in the name of what’s supposedly good for her?

Is it really good for her to go to nursery if it’s so miserable for her? It is optional after all. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to let her go when she feels like it and become a part timer. The school almost certainly would not approve.

She said ‘school’ is fun but it’s not fun if you go every day…

my lad has gone off ketchup, ham, cheese and penguin biscuits.

have you talked to the nursery about it?

You could pull her out of nursery now but it’ll only make going to school even harder for both you and her.

For many of us nursery wasn’t optional we and the kids just had to get on with it. There were some unpleasent mornings but these were often put into perspective when ours came home and did something they’d learned at nursery they probably wouldn’t have got if they’d been at home all the time.

The school almost certainly would not approve.

Who cares what the school says, they’re not the boss when it comes to your kids – you are.

If you can ensure that your child learns whatever they need to learn to function well at school before they get there then fill your boots with the going to nursery as and when you both please then go for it. Some days, like today, it’s just too nice a day to send them off to nursery.

So, she started something new, with lots of gusto and enthusiasm, and then got bored. Mmmmmmm, to quote Hora, “have you considered paternity testing?”. 😀

My daughter is the same. I’ve taken the view that she has to keep going and get used to it, or she will keep doing the same next year when it is not compulsory.

Just because she’s gone off the idea a bit doesn’t mean it’s not still the best thing for her in the long term.

Is she miserable while she’s there, after you’ve gone? My boy periodically decided he didn’t want to go to nursery and was frequently a little sod about it all the way there, but five seconds after we walked out of the classroom he was invariably having a great time.

Wow, our lad gets Nursery-separation anxiety. He doesn’t look over his shoulder once he gets there.

However most of his day is at nursery- this could be key? Its become most of his life.

have you talked to the nursery about it?

We’ve been through this. Tears, wailing etc but she has a great time while there. Part of the control thing in their development. Speak to the nursery – you are not their only one, not their first and not their last. Despite us all knowing how special you are.

have you considered paternity testing?

Lol, I can assure you it’s not necessary 🙂

Just because she’s gone off the idea a bit

Gone off the idea a bit? She’s properly upset. How much proper anxiety and trauma do we inflict on her for her own good? How miserable does she have to be before her spirit’s broken and she just takes it like all the other robots?*

We haven’t talked to the teachers yet, or observed her when there. But she has told us about being scared of being knocked over in boisterous play, which must be happening fairly regularly I guess. She seems afraid rather than just sulky.

* this is exaggerating things a bit but you know there’s truth in it.

FFS – TALK TO THE NURSERY! It is part of your role as a parent to engage with the people you entrust with her safety, so get on with it.

Or let a 3 year old make the decisions.

Shall we ask her whether daddy should man up and be daddy for a bit?

she started something new, with lots of gusto and enthusiasm, and then got bored. Mmmmmmm, to quote Hora, “have you considered paternity testing?

Even from ghere I can tell it is his 😉

i think you just need to force her to go if she needs to
Its tough but setatime limit then re evaluate after that?

I distinctly recall holding on to a stair bannister, wailing, while my mum was pulling me by my legs.

Didn’t do me any harm 😉

I distinctly recall holding on to a stair bannister, wailing, while my mum was pulling me by my legs.

It was nothing to do with school – she just wanted a taller son 😀

have you considered paternity testing?

That is weird. My son is very creole-looking and me and my wife are white. She once said that she thought there was some black possibly down her family line though, Great great grandfather etc 😐

How miserable does she have to be before her spirit’s broken and she just takes it like all the other robots?

Alternatively, and somewhat less dramatically, you can view overcoming this as the first stage in her learning how to deal with the mean old real world. Talk to the nursery and see what they say. Perhaps it’s not the right place for her, but just pulling her out after a few weeks without talking to them about it would be a bit daft.

Im pretty sure I did this when I was younger. I think the system was alot less structured than it is now. I think I went to some kinda of pre-school/nursery or something.

Every now and then I’d tell mum I didnt want to go anymore. So we would nt go. Then we’d restart at a different one. I think I went through 3 before school started.

I was quiet a shy child and it took me time to adjust to new ideas and new experiences, but I dont know if I was maybe picking something up from mum as well as shes quiet a similar mindset.

However once I got to school (5) I knew I had to go and I dont remember asking not to go and that was fine.

She said ‘school’ is fun but it’s not fun if you go every day…

great line

If you replace the word “school” with “work” I think your daughter is on to something !!!

It was nothing to do with school – she just wanted a taller son

😆

have you considered paternity testing?
That is weird. My son the boy I’m raising is very creole-looking and me and my wife are white. She once said that she thought there was some black possibly down her family line though, Great great grandfather etc

FTFY… 😉

DrP

She is testing you.

Just speak to the nursery and see if she is happy when there.

Then ask her what she doesn’t like about it.

Then focus on the good things about it, ask her about her days, get her to show you the things she has done/learned etc.

She is testing you.

Yeah I’d go with this. We’re having a very similar issue with our 2.5 year old.

Tantrums, crying, running away and pleading not to go. It gives you pause for thought.

But she usually cheers up in the car, always seems to have a good time when she is there, is happy when we pick her up and is making great progress in terms of development, so we think it is definitely a “how far can I push this” boundary thing.

We’ve had a few quiet talks with her to explain why some days mummy and daddy both need to work and how it is much more fun playing with friends at nursery than being stuck in the house on her own. That helped, a little.

My advice is make sure she is happy and well looked after when she is there. If she is then keep on taking her. If not find a better nursery.

Shall we ask her whether daddy should man up and be daddy for a bit?

Easy now.. just because I’m posting on stw doesn’t mean I’m already out of ideas! It’s meant to be a discussion starting point.

Our son did this – we walked to nursery so he tended to either kick off as we left the house or as we walked down the road.

We knew he was fine once he was there and we’d gone.

So I used to just pick him up and carry him.

I don’t think it’s done him any lasting harm – he’s 15 now and lays in bed playing x-box all day. He still tends to react in much the same way if we suggest a family walk on the Downs and he’s too big to carry now. So we make threats of x-box removal instead 🙂

Not read the whole thread, so might be repeating…

There’s a good chance that she’s past the stage of not realising that you actually disappear for a couple hours, but not yet reached the stage where she knows for certain that you’ll always come back for her. Few weeks and it’ll be fine. Seriously.

Maybe ask her why she is not enjoying it anymore? Then you may be able to resolve the problem as we did with my daughter.

In addition to the above, how old is she? Does she have to go every day?
We’ll often pull our youngest out of nursery if there’s something more fun to do – playing in the sun, going to the safari park.
Did the same with my oldest – he’s in P2 now and doing fine.
They’re only pre-school once!

Oh we also find that it is worse if she is rushed in the morning cos we are running late. Which then makes it even worse because we started getting stressed that we’re late and she won’t get in the car.

From her point of view I think she was feeling like she was just being bundled out the door. So now we try to wake up a bit earlier and maybe have a story in bed, or get up and let her do some playing/drawing. That helps, a little.

We asked, obviously. She said it’s not fun to do every day, and that she is scared of being knocked over.

Tempted to let her stay home if she wants, and then see if we can gradually up the frequency.

Get yourself into the nursery and speak to them, they know more about you and your circumstances than the collective on here and have seen it more often that you may expect.

Tempted to let her stay home if she wants, and that she is scared of being knocked over

I’m sorry to suggest a bit of MTFU for you and GTFU for her might be in order.

If you let her decide now you’ll set the precedent and you’ll never be back in control of when she attends.

If she has been knocked over then talk to her about how to avoid it or talk to Nursery but don;t avoid the situation – it won;t solve the problem.

It’s school, and it’s not optional. Assuming you’ve no reason to doubt the nursery, and the carer assures you she’s fine all day – MTFU.

And when you move on to “proper” school, you can always tell which are the kids that stayed at home – they’re the ones that don’t behave, are behind the rest of the class, and spend the first 6 months catching up.

No real need to send her if she doesn’t want to go. It’s a bit young to suggest that she ktfu’s, imo. Plenty of time to be kicked around later on in life. 🙂

Ours never went, though we do/did id make sure they socialised a lot- eldest didn’t start attending school til she felt like it (aged 7), and has had no problems.
IMO, not necessary, and not going isn’t a barrier to progression.
YMMV

If you let her decide now you’ll set the precedent and you’ll never be back in control of when she attends

That’s one possibility, but I couldn’t possibly say what WILL happen. You never know with her.

It’s school, and it’s not optional

It’s not school, and it IS optional.

Vinneyeh – interesting.

I agree with vinnyeh completely.

We send our kids off too young here.

The school where my kids had been three years ago was so tyrannical and paranoid about H&S, that we just let them stay home whenever we wanted them to or there was snow on the ground. I thought: ‘They’re too young to be told that they aren’t allowed to have fun; throw snowballs; ride their bikes; etc..

The school they attend now has a headteacher who used to be a PE teacher, and he’s brilliant. Far from being H&S obsessed, he encourages them to get outside, climb trees, and do things that kids do. As a result, we see no reason to keep them at home, and they have never asked.

She said it’s not fun to do every day, and that she is scared of being knocked over.

So have you found out WHY it’s not fun every day and have you qualified her claim with that of the nursery (ie, do they think it is too much for her every day)? If they don’t know the answer to that question I would say it is time for you to find a new nursery that does observe the behaviour of their children. Did you end up at the council-funded SureStart one?

And saying she is scared of being knocked over? It really does sound like a test to me.

Just tell her she will get knocked over sometimes but it won’t hurt for long and that there are grown-ups to look after her if she does fall.

So have you found out WHY it’s not fun every day

This conversation only happened 4 hours ago, and I’m at work, so no 🙂

But it’ll be because she’d rather be doing something else, and honestly I know how she feels.

One of the pitfalls of being too considerate as parents I think perhaps..?

We’ve barely acknowledged our kids existence since they were born, and if they moan we stick ’em in front of the TV all day.. just throw ’em a bag of crisps occasionally..
They can’t wait to get to nursery for some nourishment, stimulation and simple human affection.. 😉

Hehe.. yeah.. our home environment is too stimulating, she likes us too much, and we’ve brought her up to be too independently minded. Dammit!

We;; I suppose you could try regularly thrashing her with some nettles at home. See if that makes being away more appealing 😀