Menopause and potential family destruction

Sorry for the anonymous post, long time served forum member here but I prefer to keep a low profile on this.

20 year marriage, teenage kids and I think my Mrs is about to walk away. The only thing that has changed in (probable) onset of menopause. I’m not medical but she is ticking every single symptom box, in fact she is smashing them out of the park. Biggest issue though is that every 24-28 days, she literally turns into wild monster.

For about two or three days days, she is ripping shreds out of me, out of the kids, saying she has wasted her life, we are all losers, she is going to leave and wishes she was dead.  Everything is my fault, she has to work hard as she earns more money than me and I’m just a failure etc. Proper abuse stuff. That is the swear filter friendly version. She then gets over it, back to normal, lovely for 3.5 weeks and repeat.  However, it is getting worse each month. Its impossible.

If I suggest it menopause she accuses me of weaponising it and using it against her. She refuses to see her GP (she is medical herself, hence a terrible patient). In Jo Brand style, she is saying that these days are just the days when she feels able to tell me what she is really thinking. Maybe that is true.

My kids are upset, I’m struggling to cope and I honestly think she will walk away. I just don’t have the skills to deal with this.

Any thoughts, experiences or useful advice would be brilliant. I worried for her and terrified for my family.

First of all sorry to hear that’s happening, it must be really hard.

What your wife is doing is, in my view, definitely abusive. Does she acknowledge how she behaves is wrong or is she in complete denial of it even when she is, as you say, lovely for three weeks.

No, she doesn’t really reflect on it. He view is that we basically drive her to be like that and those days are just when it bubbles up.

The abuse thing is a big deal, I have to look after my kids. But then I also know that this is likely out of her control / medical and time limited. But, yes, reading it back is quite unsettling.

Out of my experience so I can’t help but really feeling for you mate. Hope you get decent resolution.

Is there someone who’s gone through it, or is going through it, that she knows and is trusting of who could talk to her about her experience and symptoms?

My OH started as perimenopausal about a year or so ago and by her own admission wanted to punch me in the face on a regular basis. Her GP was very good about it but it also helped he doing her own research and listening to podcasts and so on. She is now on medication which has helped her immeasurably, not just with the mood swings but with her memory and other challenges.

I get that it is to some extent, out of her control – we have recently done menopause awareness training at work and it turns out hormones are an incredibly powerful thing

But I think it’s her responsibility to acknowledge the hurt she is causing.

If your wife isn’t willing to seek professional help, I would encourage you to do so and at the very least you may come away with some coping mechanisms to see you through what will hopefully be a time limited period.

Does she have any relatives or friends she can share with?
Maybe have a quiet word with someone you can trust, get them to broach the subject?

And don’t bother changing to a winter duvet this year.

When you suggest it’s down to menopause, do you do it when she’s angry or when she’s lovely? Try the latter.

Has she seen a doctor? I assume not.

Fwiw, not quite to that extreme but I feel your pain.

And don’t bother changing to a winter duvet this year.

So very true 🤣

My wife is peri-menopausal and was in a right state until a couple of months ago, getting depressed , ratty and really struggling with stress at work, but no where near as bad as you describe. She went to the GP and went on HRT patches and amazingly quickly was back to her normal self.

Luckily she recognised the symptoms and issues and eventually went to the GP. She did put it off for a long while for reasons I don’t really understand, but she knew she was being unreasonable and irrational at times (her words).

I hope you (or some other friend/family?) can help her see a way to go to the GP and see what they can help with. The change with my wife was quite dramatic.

Good luck with it all. As above you need to get her to realise what she is like, maybe she doesn’t quite get how bad she is? Tell her how it makes you and the kids feel.

That sounds really grim, I hope she is able to seek help and get treatment.  My missus has recently gone through menopause quite late (57) after a hysterectomy.  Because she knew exactly when it would happen, due to the op, she armed herself with Davina McCaul’s Menopause book which she found extremely helpful in preparing for it. It might be worth getting – ideally for your wife if she will entertain reading it, but if not for you to help you understand it more. It’s a neglected subject – half the population are going to experience it and  100% (near enough) will catch some of the fall out!  In my wife’s case HRT has been the saviour – totally alleviating all the symptoms.  Good luck, I really hope you manage to find a way through it.  There very much can be a normal life on the other side if she seeks help.

This is something that most women will go through and she has to get help. As you say she needs to accept this herself (a bit like being an alcoholic).
There are some good books out there now. Davina McCall and Dr. Naomi Potter wrote a great book with lots of advice, could you get a female friend of your wife to pass this on, or buy a copy yourself and leave it hanging around.

The menopause can last for a few years and sometimes up to ten. Maybe you can go and see your family Dr, because let’s face it, you need as much help as she does.

We could really do to get this linked to the women only forum.

Nowhere near the point that you are at, but it’s a tough time, but must be awful for your kids to witness.

My OH started as perimenopausal about a year or so ago and by her own admission wanted to punch me in the face on a regular basis.

+1

her words exactly!

Now on HRT and it has made a big difference. We’d basically stopped talking for several days a month and I would avoid her as best I could.

Serious question – does HRT not just kick the can down the road, or is there tapering?

This is something that most women will go through and she has to get help.

Can be very hard e.g. my wife’s GP told her point blank that the NHS did not provide HRT and sent her packing.

So, she paid privately to see a specialist who diagnosed peri-menopause and then prescribed HRT and also wrote to her GP who then just caved and accepted it.

That was the easy bit…

Every month, when she gets her prescription she collects it in person and has to drive round the County trying to find a chemist with any stock – it can take several days to find one and then she has to drop everything, rush straight there hoping it hasn’t been sold before she gets there.

Every frigging month…

Demand seems to far exceed current supply.

Cor, my kids are younger and so is my wife, but I get this. I see it month by month how – because life is tough all the time – it just gets tougher for my wife once a month and her ability to take it on the chin disappears.

However, In those moments I wouldn’t dare to say I think her hormones might be winding her up the wrong way. Even though later in the week she might acknowledge it herself.

I’m inclined to accept your diagnosis, but I wouldn’t take it to your partner in that way. Firstly, this:

When you suggest it’s down to menopause, do you do it when she’s angry or when she’s lovely? Try the latter.

And to take that point further:

No, she doesn’t really reflect on it.

Ok, and I’m by no means saying this is easy, but do you reflect on it with her in calmer times? Can you broach the subject at a very calm time in a very calm way. (Ok I couldn’t either but this is what any advice column will tell you). I wouldn’t share your thoughts on the cause (menopause to be clear) I’d gently broach the problems and listen to her view of the problems and the solutions.

Written with sympathy. Hope to help.

my wife’s GP told her point blank that the NHS did not provide HRT

Your wife’s GP was talking through their hoop!

Are people aware of the scheme where you can pre-pay for 12 months HRT, unlimited amount for £19 – the price of two normal prescriptions?

Linky

With this and an automatic repeat prescription via the NHS app, my wife has had no issues with finding her HRT.  I know there were shortages a year or so ago, but there are none now in our area.  She tried a few different types too, gel, patches etc. and different dosages until she settled on one that worked. Her GP was amazingly patient and helpful throughout this.  female GP which probably helped!

Scotland here, no issue getting HRT from NHS GP, and free prescriptions 😁

@longdog when you say “really quickly” was that days, weeks, what?

I’d say 1-2 weeks from memory, she commented on it herself how much better she felt and was surprised at the difference.

It’s actually more like 4 months she’s been on it, than the couple of months I said in my first post.

If it’s regularly every 4 weeks, it sounds like the very opposite of menopause to me!

Regardless of that, and speaking from a position of no expertise whatsoever but my wife does find HRT to be very helpful. Doctors’ attitudes appears to be highly variable by practice.

Mrs Vlad has been in menopause mode for a number of years, luckily she doesn’t have mood swings like described above.

I’m only jumping into this conversation just to say that HRT is not always the magic bullet. Mrs Vlad has resisted using HRT due to some (unknown to me*) serious side affects. Mrs Vlad has been a nurse for 30+ years and she’s not a homeopathic pushing quack or similarly inclined.

I’d suggest anyone who is contemplating telling the OH to get HRT to approach with caution!

(* I’ve made it a policy of mine to be ignorant of the details of “female problems” as otherwise I’d end up listening to all sorts of grizzly shit she would otherwise insist on discussing over dinner. Nurses sometimes have no filters…)

a friend suggested these resources

https://www.menopausematters.co.uk/

Menopause Symptoms Questionnaire

I hope it all works out and you have access to what you need

OP – the first thing to say is that the behaviour that you describe is abusive, and no matter what the cause, it is wrong. It is also damaging for your children.

Rather than trying to solve the problem for her by telling her what you think the cause is and what you think she should do, put the ball back into her court.

Tell her how you feel. Use “when you… …I feel…” pattern. Ask her what she thinks the solution is. Don’t push for an answer then and there if it’s not forthcoming, and don’t be scared to let both of you sit with the discomfort for a while. That means that if she doesn’t come up with a solution, let the question hang. “Well, I’m not sure either.”

If she won’t take action, then you need to work out what your bottom line is. IMV if she’s not willing to make changes to improve your relationship then it is not tenable for it to continue.

+1 here (this probably deserves post in it’s own right). Mrs now on hrt patches which have helped a lot, (think days rather than longer for change in symptoms. (Btw. Can now buy a voucher for a year’s prescription for something like £30).

Downside is now my Mrs is determined that she wants to try supporting herself (always been stay at home Mum) and is trying to figure out the best way to get her own flat and leave me behind. I’m not sure if it’s a passing phase or if it is the end of a 20 plus year marriage + a few nearly grown up kids.

Another  information resource https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

Could you film her behaviour and play it back to her when she is calm to see if she recognises or realises the extent of the issue. It’s possibly less abusive in her mind, but seeing it might trigger her into getting help.

Out the other side now. I can’t say anything more radical happened than not needing a Winter quilt, however the answer to your problems might be… Horse Riding Therapy. No smiley, I’m serious. Or something in life that’s hers, for her. Also a cure for empty nest syndrome, irritating guitar playing husband syndrome… .

52 yr old wife here and she’s chosen to get on the HRT. Before this she was sometimes looking at me like she thought I was a complete t**t. Sometimes she felt like she wanted me and our boy to just go away and leave her in peace for the night or for her to move out into a little cottage!

She asked me if she should try HRT and I said not on my account, she’s always been sharp of tongue, so I can handle that. But, I said, if it means we don’t get divorced then that might make sense…

Anyways, it’s worked for us. She’s as sharp as ever but no longer wants to move to a cottage in the woods 🙂

It did make me wonder just how many divorces come about because of the menopause.

We all owe Davina a big thank you for highlighting the issue.

Good luck pal, is it worth asking one of her friends to bring up the Davina thing? Its been a bit a bit of a snowball effect round here, as one by one the girls have taken it up. One of them was really, really angry before this, big improvement now though.

Could you film her behaviour and play it back to her

I don’t recommend this imvhe. Imagine being secretly videoed at a bad moment. No-one even likes hearing their own voice.

Yeh I think filming her is a REALLY bad idea!

Every month, when she gets her prescription she collects it in person and has to drive round the County trying to find a chemist with any stock – it can take several days to find one and then she has to drop everything, rush straight there hoping it hasn’t been sold before she gets there.

Every frigging month…

Demand seems to far exceed current supply.

This. If it impacted men this wouldnt happen…

After commenting last night, I’ve had another read of the first few posts and need to add some more.

On a personal level, I have also stepped up my game. I was guilty of not doing enough around the house, coasting a little too much.

I am also lucky, we do sometimes allow things to build up but in general, we are open and honest with each other about our feelings. And sometimes its me thats in a foul mood and I don’t know why!

As my wife often says if someone is an arse, ‘they need a shag’ and often this is all it takes.

“This. If it impacted men this wouldnt happen…”

Just about to raise this. If men went through what women do physically it would be a very different world. It truly sucks.

“This. If it impacted men this wouldnt happen…”

Just about to raise this. If men went through what women do physically it would be a very different world. It truly sucks.

Is that not what has also been said about period pain? It’s always struck me as quite a sexist statement.

my wife hitting the menopause was a bolt out of the blue and for a few months it was really really tough going, maybe not as bad as OP – took it out on me not the kids- but we all suffered

persuaded her to go to the GP , who was fairly useless tbh, but maybe right in the end, as after about 6-12 months things settled down without any meds, id be lying if I said that year hadn’t changed my view of my wife.

good luck !

My OH has gone through this too, luckily the kids had left home and just me that took the brunt of it, and I’m thick skinned.

She initially got nowhere with the GP, so went private.  All fine and just back to her normal level of ‘sharpness’, but then earlier this year the private cost pretty much doubled (from £50 to £100 per month) – so rang the GP.  An appointment including blood tests etc and she’s been on the NHS since then, and as we’re in Scotland, no cost.

It’s nature, and as blokes not something that impacts us (we go thru ‘change’ at about 14 and that’s it) – so I’ve utter sympathy for her.  And yes, many times I was told that she was “off” and I could FO.

I can’t add any experience of the menopause, but you’ve had plenty of great answers on that already.

What I’d say is it’s important to separate the two main issues here.

1. Your wife probably needs to talk to her GP and consider HRT, or at least acknowledge the issue.

2. It’s quite possible (likely even) that she really does want to split and it’s not caused by the menopause. Especially if your kids are nearing independence?

As above, it’s abusive behaviour and it’s not acceptable. Don’t excuse it with the menopause and please ask yourself if you might be happier apart yourself.