Me aged about 10 "but its not fair"

My father "Life's not fair son, the sooner you get used to it the better"

My Dads favourite when he dislikes something or someone is

"that gives my arse a nippy taste"

I have recently found myself using it too, which is worrying as I've never been supple enough to find out if it's true.

father to son during goth phase as son leaves with mascara on
"you are letting the side down"
Week later same scene
"are you batting for the right team?"
Not my Dad but mates dad said with some humour but also meant a little

'Keep it in hand son – it's the most fun you can have for free and it'll keep you out of trouble' 😳

I find I'm starting to replay my dads classic old statements, make me lol everytime 😆

On seeing a larger lady dressed to impress: 'bloody'ell, that would make you sweat!'

And another: 'Sesus, wouldn't know whether to **** it or fight it!'

And my fav, said anytime life deals an unfair card or feels slightly heavy: 'Tough at the top'

Mate's dad before heading off on hols aged 17.

"Be good! If you can't be good, be safe and if you can't be safe give them the wrong address!"

Wise words. 🙂

Not my dad but an old boy said when i was going out on my bike without a helmet "there's no looking a dickhead in an ambulance". stuck with me.

"Be good, if you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, buy a pram!"

"One of these days I'll wake up dead"

On being dumbfounded: "I didn't know whether to shit, shave or shampoo"

When something 'will do': "It's as near as bollox is to swearing"

My mate's dad, on getting a bit peeved: "This is giving me the raging arsehole"

I know it's widely known, but I heard it from dad first: "Measure twice, and you'll only have to cut once" Applicable to all aspects of life, not just engineering.

"Have you come round here to top up the tan on the back of your neck with my f@@king fridge light. F@@king fridge termite. Piss off home"

Thats absolutely classic!! Haha

My Dad's a vicar so not many expletive filled rants for me but phrases and moments that have stuck with me are:-

The time he tried to 'get' hiphop and ended up saying in a bewildered way…
"It's like the withdrawal method for sex, just when it gets to the good bit you pull out and it starts again how frustrating"

On my borrowing any of his expensive carpentry tools "Take it and use it, but don't abuse it and go on your way rejoicing"

The time he walked into the lounge and I was watching the French film La Haine. It being French he thought his son was going to be watching some art house ponce fest and when confronted by a subtitled tirade of swear words…
"Don't they French know how to write poetry anymore?".

Top fave is the time he tried to convince me that a long time platonic female friend was good wife material and I should get rid/over the girl I had been seeing for three years. I explained that the friend also had a boyfriend she had been seeing for three years.
"Sometimes other people get it wrong too"-
not exactly a howler, but two years later when I went back for Christmas the friend got hammered and tried to seduce me explaining that she'd held a candle for me for years, so there you go sometime's Dad does know best.

Me to my kids in the run up to Christmas, every time the red light came on the alarm sensor.

"When the light comes on, the elves are checking to see if you're good"

It worked so well the rest of the family use it with their kids 🙂
Every time they got into a fight, they'd spin round to check to see if the light was on, and trigger the light – Genius!

My Dads advice on any mechanical work being undertaken on a car or a bike "never put your fingers where you wouldn't put your c*ck!!"

Points at the pink icing balloons on my sisters birthday cake:

"They look like sperm don't they!"

/slaps forehead.

MrOvershoot – Member

Me aged about 10 "but its not fair"

My father "Life's not fair son, the sooner you get used to it the better"

LOL

My father's reply to the same question "Life's a bitch, then you die"

Top of his repeat list is "the laws an A**"

😉