It looks like it is my turn now…

Where are you based?

I think, though I stand to be corrected OP is a UK expat living in Sweden?  Give us a check in @willard, some good people here who are concerned about you.

Yeah, Sweden. Moved here because of her, bought the house as a project for us, all the things.

I am still here. I spent last night at a friend’s place, had a couple of beers with him, talked a lot, watched a tonne of old skydiving videos, talked a lot more. This morning I drove myself to the PsykAkuten (ER for mental health) and asked them for help. I was there three hours, broke down twice. They were caring, concerned and have given me some very mild drugs to help me sleep and enough anti-depressants to last me to the appointment I have with the GP on Friday coming. They also helped me create a crisis plan and said to me that, if it got too much, I could come back and they would admit me.

I got home and found my GF there. She’d come back to do laundry and collect some things, but it was unexpected and took its toll. I broke down again when talking to her, but she gave me a hug and I missed her so much again. I’m not sure we finished our conversation, but I know from what she has said that a reconciliation will never happen. Couples’ counselling will only help us break up better, so I will try and organise that. She left after a while and I started to do DIY to try and take my mind of things and just to feel like I had a purpose. I now need to go out tomorrow and buy more panel to fix the woodshed, but i can finish one job on my list tomorrow. I may even be able to finish the car port before autumn and the neighbour (roofer) has said that he can order the stuff I need to complete that, which is nice.

Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I still don’t feel like eating.

Little and often.  Your doing all the right things.

Thanks for the check in. It does sound as if you are taking some positive steps. Medical help, beer with friends, DIY. Small steps but this is all really positive stuff. I do wonder if moving to a situation where you or she could move out would be for the best? It does seem as if meetings are a real trigger for you. It does sound as if the fewer of those the better.

She has moved out, currently living at a house that a friend of hers has inherited (but is being sold soon), so she has been house-hunting nearer her work. She still has all of her stuff here though and, at some point, she’ll have to move. That is the future though. She has work next week, I do not. I’ll DIY for a week and then take all my jumping gear to the DZ and spend the rest of the holiday time skydiving with the team.

I’m also going to try and get signed off work. This should count and I may need the time away from the job.

Sorry to hear this Willard.  It must be especially hard when you’ve moved abroad  Like many of the people on this thread, I went through something that sounds very similar.

I’m not sure where your support network may be located – because in my personal case, it was a huge benefit to have most of them in the same city.

Having gone though depression and now physical ill-health, the people on this forum offer a lot of support.

I worried a lot about sounding like a stuck record, saying the same thing repeatedly. With a little perspective, I know that my friends were incredibly glad to listen and wanted me to keep talking.  I would probably recommend that you keep posting here and don’t worry about being repetitive. You will become tired of it – before anyone here does.

Keep posting and take care.

J

My support network is kind of limited. Mother is currently on holiday with older sister and I really don’t want to mess that up for them. That drops stuff on the other sister and the limited number of good friends I have here. They really are good friends though; I have received so much support from them in the last week and I cannot begin to thank them for that.

Today has been better. I had a lot of things to keep me occupied, DIY mostly and the high winds have meant the drive to the various DIY places to buy wood (two trips) have been entertaining and not really time to think too much. I have crossed two jobs off my list though, nearly three and, if I empty the dishwasher tonight, that will mean nearly four!

The psych team at the hospital called me mid-afternoon for a follow-up. It brought up a lot of the feelings again, but it is getting easier to talk about it. As much as I hate talking about it, me, everything, it is helping. maybe that’s just having more sleep. Maybe it is the drugs starting their job.

Great that she’s moving out, it will make it easier to move on.

Keep crossing those jobs off and keep on keeping on.

Wow sorry to hear this willard, I remember some of the great advice you gave me when I split up a few years ago.  Hope you get through it, as others have said, you need to fix you, build a life that is great, that someone can enhance, not that you need to rely on, then show up for them as the best version of you.

Its taken me about 3 years to do that!

I’ve just got back from a day with other people and, well, it was difficult. I know I have friends though, some that just gave me a hug, some that put me in a choke-hold. I also managed to get three skydives in, something that I had worried about, something that i know the professionals were also concerned about.

It used to be a means of escape, a glorious sixty seconds of pure “in the moment” feelings, but now? It’s different. It feels different. There’s a lot less joy in it right now, I am still there, in the moment, but even my friends said that I looked too serious. I guess I will see what the next couple of weeks bring, whether I can get back that feeling. I am still alive though, and I am taking life one breath at a time.

It’s rubbish mate, always is. You need to focus one thing that brings you joy.

So, ride your bike. Serviced or not. Just ride it.If you still feel sad, ride it some more.

Just a small update today.

The last few days have been the new normal for me. Working through the list of jobs I have for the next few months, eating when I feel hungry, forgetting to drink enough water. I finally finished one project my sambo had started, as the neighbour had ordered the roofing material (plåt) I needed for the car port and had judged the job I did of the woodwork up to holding it. So, one job done, with a follow-up task of walls to be added to the list.

Sleep is better, mostly due to the combination of the meds, possibly also due to slowly accepting things and starting to process them in a more ordered way. The PsykAkuten team have been calling me every day since my admission, checking on how I feel and just talking to me. Last night was the last time they had planned for doing that as today I am going to be handed over to the local vårdcentral team. I was actually quite sad to say goodbye to the team. They were a small constant in a really tough time and I don’t think I can thank them enough for just being there and talking to me.

Anyway, GP is soon and the day’s biggest struggle will be telling my mother that it is over, something that I have been putting off until after she got back from holiday. We don’t really get on that well, but I know she likes my sambo, so I suspect that she will not be entirely happy that I messed things up. We shall see. Right now though, doctor.

Hang in there

+1 hang in there.

I finally finished one project my sambo had started,

Glad i googled that before answering, I must admit to being really uneasy on reading it!!

Not a difficult concept, but a very economical way of expressing one, sambo is a contraction of samma boende, literally “same accommodation”

Keep the updates coming @willard.  Glad to hear you’re getting on with things and that you’ve got some professional support as well.

I messed things up.

I’m just going to challenge you on this. From what you’ve written, I’m not sure why it’s you that’s messed up?

Sometimes things just don’t work out.

I detect a small but definitely noticeable uptick in your ‘mood’, insofar as that’s possible by just reading words on a screen without the non verbal indicators.

Stick at it. Check in here when you get chance.

I have noticed in my relationship and many friends/acquaintances when a man moves from being an asset in a relationship to a burden through health, work and kids leaving home. Many partners (not all) become unhappy. You can become not fit for purpose very quickly

It used to be a means of escape, a glorious sixty seconds of pure “in the moment” feelings, but now? It’s different. It feels different. There’s a lot less joy in it right now

Hey Willard, I had this badly when I lost my wife, all the activities I used to get joy from were now just going through the motions and joyless…but stick at it, it takes time and I’m still not fully there, but it does come back. I was made to promise to her that I would carry on after she was gone, make that promise to yourself

Keep ploughing on Willard 🙂

Got to say, I’m impressed with the mental health services you’ve received. Compared to the UK, they sound amazing.  Bloody Scandi countries and their outstanding quality of life, grumble grumble 😉

@crewlie I will do, I promise. I hope/know/feel that it is just temporary, but life just seems joyless right now.

I should maybe have explained samboskap before i posted that, sorry if it caused anxiety. It is essentially a legal co-habitation and has a lot of the same legal protections as marriage, but not quite. For a country like Sweden, it makes a lot of sense and, unless kids are involved and you have a dangerous job, there’s really little advantage to being married. I’m not sure it is relevant or related, but the word for marriage and poison is the same: ‘gift’.

The care I have received has been excellent at every stage. My local primary care (vårdcentral) is closed for summer and the person doing the bookings was very apologetic that today was the earliest they could see me. I arrived today at what looked to be a hospital that had shrunk in the wash and my appointment turned into a 60 minute chat with the doctor, followed by EKG (normal), BP (120/70) and pulse (56) and a bunch of bloods taken. I got a new prescription for both the anti-anxiety meds I was given at Akuten and the anti-depressants and they have asked if I can come back next week for a check-in and a longer chat. This cost me 200kr. The doctor is really nice and is looking at more than just the immediate situation. She’s looking at new meds for the AF I have once in a while (after being shocked I was still using the tablets I had from 2016, which are not used in Sweden) and that was the reason for the EKG. She also questioned why I feel that skydiving is fine for me, but I refuse to get on my motorbike.

It is still difficult being in the house. Meeting neighbours and explaining that it’s just me here now is difficult. I still wonder if that is wise, but this truly is the only place I feel is home even if the house, garden and village is full of memories. At some point I will replace them, or they will just not be so strong, vivid or urgent. Now though, it’s just very difficult.

Does Louise travel…. got me coat

Time for another update.

I met/spoke to the GP yesterday to see how I was doing and to discuss plans. She’s happy that things appear to be levelling off and that the meds appear to be helping, despite not really working at peak capability yet. She is. however, keen for me to keep contact with her/the team in case I start slipping back and is looking to get me a dedicated person for this. She is also trying to sort out a referral for my AF and some tests, including a max effort tst to try and trigger the AF to see what causes it. When she said this I smiled and she said it was the first time I had done that since I had met her, not realising that it was not a happy smile. She’s never been DC cardioverted, so knows not the pain that it gives you… She does acknowledge the risk of stroke now that I am over 50, so it looking for solutions that involve betablockers (Flecainide is a specialist only prescription) and blood thinners.

Other than that, life goes on. I’m at the DZ waiting for the weather to clear so that I can jump and will be here for effectively three weeks now. That isolates me from a lot of things and puts me in a social group that is generally good for my mental health, most of the time at least. I’ve brought the road bike with me and I am seriously tempted to use the shit weather to go out for a bike ride, but it really is filthy out there and I should be using the time to prep A group block moves with the people that need to learn them (including me).

Next update? I don’t know. We’ll see what happens. Hopefully I will continue to improve, but small things do give me knocks. Ex was at home when I was here last week and that was tough. She’s got a new house now so I know, totally and 100% that there is no hope she will come back. It is intensly upsetting but, right now, it’s just a blurred mess of emotions.

 I should be using the time to prep A group block moves with the people that need to learn them (including me).

You can’t dirt dive all day, way too boring. Have a sesh on the creepers, practice some set ups in the door and then get out for a mucky ride and reconvene as a team after the break. You’ll solidify a lot of the blocks in your brain during the ride I bet anyway.

I hope/know/feel that it is just temporary, but life just seems joyless right now.

When I went through this I tried to remember that you need to know its going to get better while fully accepting that it feels like it never will.

And one day this will be something that happened to you, not something that is happening.

@kittyr I’m just the camera, but went to the tunnel today and sacrificed the time to get my team’s outside center on the ball. He’s an AFF instructor, but has not jumped much FS, so needs the time. We’re basically making up the numbers, but I want people to feel like they are competing. I did OC last year and Tail the four years before, so can give some tips, but…

@avdave2 One day this will have happened to me. Right now though, it is still hitting me daily. So many people ask how she is and what happened and the stigma (real or perceived) is a really heavy thing in my life.

Here at the DZ it does not matter. People are here for _me_ and care about _me_ and that helps so much. Despite hitting my goddam shin this morning and making a blood blister the size of a plum.

Speaking from personal experience antidepressants (Citalopram) gave me a little space to start to deal with my anxiety and negative feelings.  My negative feelings came from overwork and burnout.

When I went through this I tried to remember that you need to know its going to get better while fully accepting that it feels like it never will.

I second this response above from avdave2.

It used to be a means of escape, a glorious sixty seconds of pure “in the moment” feelings, but now? It’s different. It feels different. There’s a lot less joy in it right now

I felt the same about mountain biking.  For some time – I couldn’t access the joy and find flow.  Given a little time, I am sure you will find that skill you have begins to give you satisfaction.

The weekend here is almost done and I have two weeks of holiday left before I have to go back to work. I should really put quotes around holiday, because the first week was anything but that. I also do need to talk to the doctor and my boss about how to claim that back, but not now.

The last couple of days have been tough. Team training has kept me out of trouble, but the cycle of jumping, packing and de-briefing jumps with both random jumpers and, yesterday, the team, has been tough. The trapped nerve I have in my shoulder/neck is meaning I eat painkillers to remain functional and I am going to have to take a few days off them soon. I did get to fly my wingsuit yesterday twice (first time) and I finally got some feeling back. Mostly nerves before the first jump, then the sense of calm that I had been missing. The second jump was less so (because I knew what to expect) but it was still a nice jump. I did think both times that this was not my day to die, so I think something is still wrong there. The team is also jumping well for their skill level and time together and that gives me hope for the nationals next week. We’re still making up the numbers, but at least we’ll be fighting for it.

My friends here have helped. There’s a shared bond/experience that we have here and this is helping me day after day. That is part of the reason I have not wanted to leave, despite knowing I _have_ to go home at some point (probably today) and see the cat and do stuff at the house. I’m really not looking forward to moving to another DZ after nationals and even less looking forward to starting work again. That is very much a problem for Future Me though. He’s going to have another couple of weeks of anti-depressants in him to help with things, so maybe he’ll be able to cope better with four weeks of mail and alerts.

Well… Got home last night with a plan to either go back to the DZ tonight or tomorrow morning after a rest day. Decided to stay at home and do some chores, have a beer and watch bad films. She turned up unexpectedly about 45 minutes ago to collect some stuff (clothes, post) and caught me completely by surprise.

She’s now just left and I am a bit in tatters. Once again I have been just looking around the house wondering what will be here in a few weeks, what I will be left with, what I will need to replace. I’m glad I have the anxiety meds now, I’ll have one tonight so that I can sleep, then head back to the DZ tomorrow and get back to jumping.

She’s going to be at the nationals though. I hope I don’t have to have that much to do with her. I can’t take the meds all the time, I don’t want to.

She took my dreams and my future away. I asked her about why, if she loved me, she hurt me so much and she said it was because she felt she was in such a small place. I caused that. She wants couples’ counselling so that she can explain/communicate it to me.

 I also do need to talk to the doctor and my boss about how to claim that back, but not now.

Usually just a notification to your employer (if its a big one) and/or Försäkringskassan. I’ve done it a couple of times, relatively straight forward unless you leave it too long, it used to be a 13 week window between first day off sick and application for sick pay, this may have changed, might be worth checking your union or company employee site to double check the process. If i was still with my last girlfriend, i could have checked (she’s a senior case handler for FSK!)

I do empathise with you though, it’s been a few years for me now though, my ex walked in after a 3 week work trip, the weekend before midsummer and announced she was leaving me. Additionally complicated by marriage, mortgage and two kids. Took a year or so to get things levelled out. But the swedish system is geared up to make things like this as minimally invasive and troublesome as possible. Quite isolating though, being in a foreign country with foreign systems, and little no family support.

Where are you based? There’s a few of us in and around the GBG/THN/VBG area.

Thanks for the offer @mert, I appreciate it. I’m Uppsala-way, but going to be hopping between Västerås and Tierp for the next couple of weeks. After that I need to have a chat with my boss.

I also need to find a sports physio here. I’m getting injured now.

she said it was because she felt she was in such a small place. I caused that.

If that’s what she did, blamed you, then she is doing you a favour getting out of your life. Not what you want to hear right now I know but no one should be held responsible like that.

You’re in a long rocky road but you will get there, things will improve. In the meantime focus on looking after yourself. Good luck.

Another week passed, another update.

Nationals have been and gone. The team finished third, or last if you fully count teams, and there was much stress and coaching and stress. And then there was bigway and weather and people with limited skill and experience trying to kill me by not tracking correctly.

ANYWAY…

I came home today knowing that she would be at home packing  for her move date of Monday. She gets the keys to her new place then and has booked the movers for the same day. The house already feeling empty and my list of things I need is huge. I have dragged my old bed out of storage and that is sitting in the van waiting for Monday night, and have been to Ikea to buy the “newly single” box of plates and bowls that they do. I went big and got the one that had six of each and was not just plain circles. I also got two pillows because i only have one and a friend will be visiting in a week.

I do need to buy a new sofa/sofabed though because Korpen’s going to need a place to sleep. Maybe I need a duvet for him as well. Do I even have a duvet after Monday? I don’t know. Is Ikea open late?

I also have a bunch of papers to sign. I need to transfer a lot of bills to my own account and then empty our house account. She’s been paying for the car, her car, out of the joint account but has changed that. I seem to recall I bought our original car and she used that for the deposit for the new one, but that’s something for another day.

I don’t even have kitchen chairs

Sounds like progress if still a little messy and entangled. Though becoming less so day by day it seems. Good that you’ve got a mate coming to stay. Kitchen chairs are overrated.  From a stand off observer, it sounds like you’re handling this pretty well.

Oh, I am so not handling this well. I’ve been away for the last tow weeks just avoiding shit like this and am now drinking a beer so hipster it has it’s own line in flannel shirts.

Skydiving makes me focus on one thing over all others and _knowing_ I have this waiting for me at home intrudes on that. Thinking about what I will be left with on the way up to height when I have to be fully into my A-game with twenty other people is not good. I have no idea if the meds are helping with this, but just seeing her is enough to **** me up. I almost resent how well she seems to be coping. She told me that she loved our perfect life together and then, like two weeks later, broke up with me.

No, I am far from handling this well. And I have to go back to work Monday.

Handling it well doesn’t mean you’re over the relationship and chilled about everything. You are still grieving over the relationship and all the feelings you describe are completely normal.

Handling It well means acceptance of your changed circumstances and taking practical steps to accommodate them (IKEA trips etc). Also carrying on with aspects of your “normal” life. Work, skydiving, feeding yourself, contact with friends, posting on stw etc.

Plenty of people couldn’t even manage all of that. I say it again – you ARE handling this incredibly well in the circumstances. Life WILL get better.

Today is her moving day. I have a list of things I will need from Ikea, a list of things I may need from Ikea and a list of things I will need from storage. Priority #1 tonight will be to vacuum the house (assuming that the vacuum has stayed) and then get the bed out of my van and into the house so that I have a place to sleep tonight. That is assuming the bolts that put it together are still wrapped up with it.

After that, I have exciting evenings ahead of me making trips to Ikea to go through their “Freshly Single” line of goods and see what I need to buy. For those of you that want to see the choice, look up “Nyligen ogift” on their website…

I’ll probably be hitting up the second hand stores as well if I can get to them when they are open. Some things (large rugs for the loune and bedroom) are better there and the Craigslist equivalent may well be my go to for a new sofabed. That i tomorrow’s problem though. Today is vacuuming and getting a place to sleep.

I think I may still have a toaster, but I need to buy a kettle

Sound’s like your are handling it.  Its not easy so will be an absolute shoeing for you mentally. But as above your being proactive and planning.  Definitely handling it.