It looks like it is my turn now…

I came home from about ten days away on Friday, feeling a bit down because my GF was away at her mother’s place and missing her. She got back last night and told me that she is breaking up with me. Out of the blue, unexpected. She has no plan for what she is going to do, she is just doing this because she fels that she cannot stay with me and still be the person that she is. She also said that our relationship has become more of a friendship with her as a counsellor for the low-level, chronic issues I have with work and stress.

I am destroyed. This is the woman that I met unexpectedly when I was totally not wanting another relationship and fell in love with. I have never met another person so kind and trustworthy. I love her more than anyone I have ever been involved with and was convinced that she felt the same about me. And yet, here I am. Apparently she has been thinking about this since we went to Iceland in March for my birthday, but decided while I was away that this was the only course of action for her to take.

We talked again this morning and there is apparently nothing that I can do to change her mind, nothing that I can do that will get her to stay with me. I could go to counselling for the stress/depression (I am going to see someone this afternoon) and it would still not be enough. She is leaving me. In one stroke I have lost my best friend, my partner, the woman that I go to sleep at night dreaming about, the one thing in my life that is bright and gives me happiness. I was in a really dark place before I met her and it was her that lit up my life and proved to me that there was a person in the world for me to love. And now, now she is gone.

I have been awake since 0226 this morning and feel physically sick. My hands are shaking as I type this and I am supposed to be working this week before my summer holiday starts. This week she is also off, so I was really looking forward to spending time with her at home. Now I just want to crawl into a hole and scream.

Shit.  Not much else I can say. Sorry to hear this.

Stay strong.

Box of kleenex….?

Although from the thread title I thought it was going to be cancer.

It’s going to be a tough time for you, but you’ll get through it. It sounds like you maybe need to spend some time fixing your own issues? We can’t rely on others for our own happiness.

Try and find a routine and keep moving through this 👍

🙁

Having seen my son go through something similar I think you would benefit from counselling for the stress/depression, and also for the grief of the loss of the relationship, as that is also a form of grieving. He’s having it now (it’s a form of CBT) and is now in a much better place, having had some very dark and potentially destructive thoughts initially.

Sending you virtual man hugs, and hoping/trusting you find your way through. It will be dark but then it will improve.

Shit, that’s rough.

Sorry, I don’t know what else to say, nothing useful anyway.

That’s tough, sorry to hear that.

Counselling sounds a good course of action, keep venting on here, exercise and fresh air via the medium of bicycles can work wonders too.

Feel for you it really is a crap time…for a while.
Sounds remarkably familiar – this happened to me about 20 years ago and I never did get closure. We have mutual friends too which made it harder.
I moved away (abroad) and totally disengaged. Met someone else.

Ouch.

I lost my wife in a not dissimilar manner.  I came home from work one day and she just wasn’t there.  I was a wreck for a good six months, I only left the house to go to work or to buy food.

Today, I’m with someone else who is awesome.  But it took time.

Avoid sad songs, take each day as it comes, time’s a great healer

Been there, and will prob be again.

It’s hard/impossible to see now. But like the saying goes “this too shall pass”. It is true. As shit as you feel right now, you will get through, and you will be fine.

Everything, good and bad, EVERYTHING is temporary.

Sending man hugs

Thanks all, even Alpin.

Things are still way to raw for anything meaningful to sink in, but I did visit a KBT specialist this afternoon for an initial meeting/assessment and he seemed competent. Did ask about dark thoughts and suicide, did look slightly concerned when I said “yes, but not seriously”. Have booked another meeting with him on Friday.

Currently trying to hide in work, despite it being a long time since I slept. Food is making me feel sick, I don’t see that changing any time soon. I was dreading coming home from town.

It will suck, but as soon as possible, break off contact with her totally until you’re genuinely recovered (which will happen, eventually). Still sending text messages “as friends” or whatever will only prolong the grief.

I know of 4 people who’s wife/girlfriend has broken up with them either out of the blue or has been brewing for a while. All of them with complicated set ups at home (kids/mortgage/pets).
A few years down the line and 3 out of 4 of them are all in much better places now, new relationships and very happy. The 4th is still going through a complex divorce unfortunately.

All I’ll say is that if this has happened, then it wasn’t meant to be and you deserve someone who wants you for being you.

I need to stop wtiting long responses then deleting them.

If writing it out helps then do it, whether you click Submit or not it’s up to you.

I have written and deleted many times. I’ve actually written a physical letter to her, even though I do not know when she will be home or if it will make a difference.

Sorry to hear the news mate but keep your chin up and focus.
It’ll pass and you’ll get better.
Cut ties though don’t drag it out it’ll just make it harder for you not her.

Can only wish you all the best. I’ve had two big break ups they didnt come out of the blue though. I was gutted both times having tried with all I had to sort both relationships. Sleeping was a problem to start with, I slept enough but at erratic times and first time around I avoided all company for months Getting out in the fresh air and eating reasonably healthy helped me.
Been living happily with Mrs Gordimhor for ten years now, all the best to you

I’ve actually written a physical letter to her, even though I do not know when she will be home or if it will make a difference.

I don’t want to sound harsh, but I seriously doubt it when you wrote this in your OP:

there is apparently nothing that I can do to change her mind, nothing that I can do that will get her to stay with me.

I think there is good advice above.  Break all contact for your own dignity and self respect, respect her wishes  and turn all your focus on looking after yourself.  You are at the bottom now, things can only improve. Life has all sorts of surprises, twists, turns and joyful experiences at some stage in your future.  Ride the storm now and life will get better.

It won’t provide you with any comfort right now, nothing will, but as already suggested the great healer will be “time”.

Unfortunately since this is early days still things are likely to get significantly worse before they start improving – which likely to be a couple of months. Don’t expect to be completely healed for probably a couple of years.

The great news is that there is a lot which you can do to considerably speed up the process, and some of it actually very simple.

The best way to find out how to tackle the situation and move forward is to seek counselling.

Losing someone the way you have can be worse than them dying. It is important to remember your emotions are utterly normal and incredibly common so the knowledge of qualified people can be hugely beneficial.

And remember “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”. Good luck!

That sucks, sorry dude.

Keep writing on here, get it off your chest, it’s a safe space.

I know, deep down, that it is unlikely I can change enough to change her mind. I have to try though, she is _that_ important to me, worth _that_ much. I can’t just give up on that. It would be much easier if she had said that she did not love me any more, but I have to hope.

I’m also trying really hard not to think of the mechanics of things, like the house, cat, that sort of thing, but I will have to soon enough, either by moving out myself, or her doing the same. If I stay, well, I don’t know. I’ll be in a place we tried to make a home, surrounded by memories of her. But this is the only place I have to call home in a country that I moved to to be with her. I don’t have that much stuff (well, not as much as I used to), but moving is always hard and here at least I have/had a feeling of belonging. How much of that was down to her I do not yet know. If we sell, or if I move, I lose even that. I don’t know if that is worth the memories.

That is a decision for the future though. I just ned to decide what the next few weeks will look like first.

Move on man! We’ve all been dumped and felt like the world has ended!!

Come and ride BPW with me… I’ll tell you all about “my turn” stuff. Still smiling though 🙂

No one has suggested coke and hookers yet – this place is slipping!! 🙂

Hey Willard, really sorry to hear about you situation.
All I can do is offer my advice based on similar. I caught my wife of 20 years having an affair, stupidly I tried to make things work. We both blamed me, I went down a very dark hole. I did the whole texting, writing etc. Some days I’d be ok others I struggled to get out of bed. I couldn’t sleep – going to bed was awful, as soon as I laid down my mind went into over drive.
I did go to therapy, and I’ll admit I feel so much better as a person now. I paid to go private, I did visit the GP but it wasn’t a nice experience (during Covid).
If I could go back, I would have wripped the sticky plaster off. Completely stopped trying, once the decision is made, the decision is made. I completely understand the feeling for wanting to try, I honestly do. And if you must do this, in full sincerity I would just do it once with a plan to ensure you do end contact.
The best thing I did though was to sort me out. My wife was probably right with some of her rationale, but not necessarily her actions. But I don’t blame her, nor do I blame myself. Life moves on, and when you are looking after yourself, you may find that things do indeed get better. It took me well over a year to get my head into a position where I would stop blaming one of us. I couldn’t have done it without support though, both professional and family.
And I completely understand the home side of things. I left my marriage with nothing. My exwife dumped my clothes in the street and locked me out of the house. I moved into a cheap flat as I was still paying for the ex to live with her boyfriend. I personally had to get away as I understood it was getting me down. I left the UK and spent a year abroad in the sun, on my own. This was at the end of Covid, travel was still quite difficult but it was what I needed at the time.

And without wanting to be simplistic, keep positive. You are unlikely to see it, but a year, two years, with the right support you will be much better and happier within yourself. You may then be in a position where you could move forward into another happy relationship.

Yeah, we’ll see I guess. Maybe after the summer break (not really a holiday now, just time away from home) I’ll be in a better frame of mind.

As for the experience thing, I can’t get to BPW @stanley, sorry. Too far away and the Stumpy still needs the service I have been promising it for a year. But I got relationship baggage that will turn your hair white. All part of the problem now I guess. Certainly one of the reasons for the current mess.

Sorry to read this mate. Been on the receiving end of similar once, and I have been the person doing the delivering as well once. Either one of them are crap.

Breakups are utterly shit. You are gonna feel like this for quite a while, but every day you’ll find new ways to cope. Especially right now, you will see her in the way you’ve described: as something amazing you have lost. But after some time you may well start to realise and reflect on certain things you didn’t pick up on at the time, that maybe you were not a perfect fit. That’s what happened with me anyway.

The crucial thing is that over time you don’t let that turn into resentment – it is impossible to be understanding right now but you will be one day. It is better for both of you – honestly – that this happens now and not in five years, or after having to fight tooth and nail to keep this person in your life. You can have the two most amazing people on the planet but they might just not quite have the same outlook.

If you have a network of mates to support you hit them up. Or just vent to us dorks on here.

I’d probably advise against trying to be friends though. May be different for others but I tried that once and it just lead to absolute misery. Cordial yes, friends no.

Sorry to hear that OP, that’s shit.  Try looking at things this way now – this person has just smashed you to bits emotionally and is thinking only of themselves, yet you are putting them on a pedestal and trying to continue the relationship with them.  Sounds a bit daft, doesn’t it?

Cut ties, communicate only when you need to sort something out with the house or whatever and get on with your life. They are not worth your emotional investment.

Time, as mentioned, is a great healer and it will heal more quickly than you think. All the best 👍

the Stumpy still needs the service I have been promising it for a year

Do it then. You need to focus on you and that’s an easy win to get started. It requires your time and attention which will provide some brief distraction. It’s doing something that is entirely for your benefit which is a positive thing, especially right now. If you can drag it out when it’s done, for even the briefest of rides, even better. Be selfish, it’s very healthy sometimes.

Really sorry to hear this and just to reinforce the above messages time will heal, it just takes a while to feel it work.

I had a pretty rough break down in my marriage, but I’m through the other side now. Find what gives you solace.  Turns out mountain biking was good for me and I lent pretty heavily on that a lots of online dating! The latter wasn’t great but made me realise there are other people out there.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Try not to overthink it right now, easier said than done I know.

Virtual hug.

Steve

I have my second session of counselling today and have booked an appointment with the local doctor to maybe get meds for the depression, but certainly to start trying to get referrals for the other shit I have wrong with me.

Did a job interview yesterday, which was tough, trying to pretend I was a normal person and sell myself whilst feeling like shit. Nothing will happen with that until after summer, so I don’t really need to worry about that right now.

The summer holiday is going to be really difficult. Skydiving is really weather dependent and that is effectively all I have planned. I can’t spend all of my time at the DZ and will need to come back here for laundry and stuff and that will be difficult. I also need to start on jobs that she has started on and I will now need to finish, like renovating windows and some building work. I have decided to stay in the house, despite all the memories it holds, because, well, it’s the only place I have roots here, the only place I have ever felt at home. Sadly, a large part of that was due to her. I’ll see how long that feeling stays, I can always finish the bigger renovation jobs and then look to sell. I have no idea when she will move out though, or how we are going to share the place if I am around and so is she.

I keep thinking about the garden, how much effort she has put into it, how she is now not going to get to enjoy it. She told me that I will enjoy it now. We were supposed to enjoy it together. She even bought two new plants for the bed she has just finished making. I still don’t know why.

You ARE a normal person. No need to pretend.

Second visit to KBT today and I broke down quite badly. It was difficult to breath and physically painfully and the grief was worse than when my father died. I called a counselling helpline earlier just for someone to talk to and ended up curled in a ball on the floor crying.

The feeling of loss, pain, isolation and fear is more than I have ever known. It is nearly impossible to function on a normal level all the time. I get flashes of time when I can focus, then my head clouds over and i start feeling sick and tearing up.

I managed to eat today (well, instant noodles), but slept really badly again. Cat does not help with this, but is so proud of the mice he catches and it is the least I can do to compliment his hunting prowess and watch him eat it.

I was told “This too shall pass” and I know it to be true but, right now, cannot in all honest believe it. I am seriously considering going to the psykakuten (mental health ER) to try and get some more immediate assistance. I have my last meeting now and after that I am driving to see a friend that has been through this before and will discuss that with him.

What you have written here seems entirely reasonable, valid and justifiable.  These things are devastating, some of us feel them far worse than others.  You’re doing ok, and you have my respect.

@ willard

Stay strong.

I bet your head feel like exploding but no matter how painful just stay very strong.

It will take a while to “recover” but you will eventually.

@willard

One hour, one day at a time. I was destroyed years ago by a relationship ending. I actually can’t remember much about a couple of years after the break up. My mind has kind of blanked it.

I hated phrases like, “time is a great healer, plenty more fish” etc. I didn’t care that they were true, I hated them. **** off!

A family member took me to a hospital appointment at one point where I begged to be taken in as an in patient. I wanted to be drugged up and oblivious.

The now.

I’m still here and that ex and I are good friends, though we didn’t talk for years. That was good though, it allowed me to recover.

I look back on the relationship with fondness but boy, it needed to end of I’m honest. It was better for both of us.

At the time it happened though, being able to say that EVER would have seemed ludicrous.

One hour, one day at a time mate.

Sorry to hear this, that sounds truly awful.

Your girlfriend’s sudden change of heart, does sound (IMO), like she’s met someone else, as horrible as that sounds.

I know it’s been said many times, but time is a great healer, you’ll eventually move on and if you want, will meet someone else.

Make sure you talk through your break up with your friends and family, don’t bottle it up.

Where are you based?