Invent your own conspiracy theory

Hearing the whine of a Deliveroo e-bi…moped go past me this morning had me thinking.

The sheer abundance of electric motors nowadays has to have some effect, right?

Over the last couple of decades the number of electric motors in the world has increased exponentially and is now XXX%* higher than it was just in 2015.

The billions of strong spinning magnets and electrical fields will obviously affect the Earth’s magnetic field and speed of rotation. This is clearly the REAL cause of climate change and global warming is just a fake “reason” made up by governments and private individuals (looking at you, Elon) with a vested interest in increasing sales of electric vehicles and other technology.

*It’s very high. Don’t take my word for it – do your own research.

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Ok, over to you. As wild-yet-plausible as possible 😁

Bonus points if it actually turns out to be an existing theory, but you didn’t know this beforehand. Double points if it convinces people that it’s true and goes on to turn into a real conspiracy theory. Triple points if one day it actually turns out to be true.

Drac doesn’t own an iPad

JFK was actually the patient zero of the AIDS epidemic. Fidel Castro wanted him dead because he believed JFK was planning another invasion to avenge the Bay of Pigs debacle so they got a deadly disease from chimpanzees and infected Marilyn Monroe with it so she would infect JFK. But they didn’t realize what an utter slut JFK was and when the KGB found out, they knew they had to assassinate him to try to stop a pandemic so they worked together with the CIA to have him shot. Unfortunately, by the time they got the job done, JFK had already slept with a flight attendant who then spread AIDS across the U.S. All the other stuff about AIDS being traced back to the 1920s or whatever was just KGB disinformation to cover up their tracks.

Baked beans taste better cold but we’ve been brainwashed into eating them hot by the power companies in the pursuit of profit.

Far from using their commercial and political might to resist the transition to greener transport the giants of the Oil and Motor Industries are quietly persuading the public to transition to electric but putting some of the most fragile and unreliable (and difficult to diagnose and expensive to repair)  engines they’ve ever made into the current crop of ICE cars.

How else do you explain wet belts?

Those wind turbines/windmills. Why do they only turn them on when its windy? It’s so they can say the climate is changing, and we have to cut back on burning coal/oil, as that’s what they say is changing the weather. Turning on the windmills makes the wind go faster, so we think there is a gale, when it is only a small breeze really.
And making the wind go faster means it sucks in the clouds and water from the sea, so we have more rain, so they can again say the climate is changing, so that Tesla and other large corporations can sell more electric goods, to replace the perfectly good petrol vehicles.
Donald Trump knows all about this, he has someone who was working for them when they were planning it, luckily that person realised he was being duped, so told the only person he could trust, Donald Trump, the most intelligent Man in the World. God bless American Democracy, for that will prevail over these devils (of course,they are led by Biden) who are trying to take over our lives. God Bless Putin too, for standing up to the Wests attempt to stop his use of oil and gas, Putin and Trump will save our World, and stand triumphant.

Triple points if one day it actually turns out to be true.

Be careful not to invoke the ire of the shadowy cabal of dystopian future fiction writers and directors that have wreaked havoc on society by giving despots and lunes all their evil ideas. Between them HG Wells, Dostoevsky, Mary Shelley and Jules Verne and wreaked more death and destruction than earthquakes and plagues

After all we don’t want them to unleash another Buzz Windrip

So be careful, or Charlie Brooker will write an episode of Black Mirror about later-middle-aged recreational cyclists.

Drac doesn’t own an iPad

Makes you think.

There is a god.

Deer aren’t real, they’re mobile receiver stations for the not real birds to transmit their surveillance signals to in rural areas

Deer aren’t real, they’re mobile receiver stations for the not real birds to transmit their surveillance signals to in rural areas

😮 That explains the antlers! Aerials. I always thought it was a bit suspicious.

Yep, there’ll usually be one with aerials per cluster (herd), that’s the receiver, the non antler types are back up energy source

Politicians have our best interest at heart.

911 (the boy band) was an inside job

Apart from “birds aren’t real” (Google it there is a website and everything) the other one I like is that Australia isn’t real and it’s just a conspiracy theory 🙂

For a long time I thought that the flat earth people were just having a laugh and weren’t being serious. I am sure that the flat earth society at University was just a drinking club run by the geography department

TJ isn’t Scottish..

Bakewell tart and custard were invented by my wife so that I would put on weight and become not-quite-so-immensely attractive to other women.

It seems to be working, and fortunately I like Bakewell tart and custard very much.

@thols2 please can do you another one?

TJ isn’t Scottish..

…and refers to it as “Fort Bill” all the time

Conspiracy theories aren’t real they are just put out by the government to stop you from thinking about the true issues of the day.

Taylor Swift is an international agent  for the wokearaty, feminist, communist, extreme left. The Eras tour isn’t just music. There are subliminal messages hidden in the screens that are turning the Swifties in to lefty snowflakes who support the rights of minorities, equality and equity. Helping to destroy everything that makes ‘’Mercia err….great

The entrance to No10 Downing street is really a front. It actually opens into the real world where everyone lives in harmony and peace. We are all just a bunch of lab rats in a very odd experiment.

All hail our lizard overlords.

Lizards aren’t real, they are descendants of the Spanish royal family biding their time to return to the throne.

Conspiracy theories are mostly propaganda seeded by Russia in order to destabilise the West.

…

Oh, wait, sorry, did you want conspiracy theories which aren’t true?

Italy doesn’t exist. It was invented by Big Sandwich in the 1940s to sell hot, open sandwiches, as the traditional sandwich market was saturated. Like the Ploughman’s Luncheon.

All the other stuff about AIDS being traced back to the 1920s or whatever was just KGB disinformation

Disallowed for being too close to the truth.

https://thereader.mitpress.mit.edu/operation-denver-kgb-aids-disinformation-campaign/

Conspiracy Theories are started by ‘them’ to see who signs up to which ones, so they can be monitored by the correct department.

and refers to it as “Fort Bill” all the time

No True Scotsman would call it that. It’s Fort Wullie, obviously

Italy doesn’t exist. It was invented by Big Sandwich in the 1940s to sell hot, open sandwiches

I think you’ll find, that’s a conspiracy panini.

Aside:

Does “propaganda” have a singular?  Propagandum?

Does “propaganda” have a singular?

No. That’s what they want you to think.

Govt is sending Refugees/ asylum seekers to Hartlepool, in the hope they’ll subsequently phone the home office and ask if there’s any chance of a flight to Rwanda instead!

Car wax is designed to encourage seagulls to deficate on your car.

I get a basic free car wash once a month with my insurance. Last week my voucher didn’t work (as I changed insurers) so rather than the £6 basic job, I splashed out on the £11 diamond wash and wax.

Car has been shat on every day since.

This isn’t my theory but I was told by a very reliable Hollywood source that there exists a better version of Back to the Future filmed exclusively for the ruling elite but featuring actor Eric Stoltz. Look it up!

… currently showing at lizaard overload cinemas  as  a double bill with the version of The Goonies where the car chase with escaped gorillas hasn’t been edited out

This isn’t my theory but I was told by a very reliable Hollywood source that there exists a better version of Back to the Future filmed exclusively for the ruling elite but featuring actor Eric Stoltz. Look it up!

There’s a bean of truth in this.  Eric Stoltz was originally cast as Marty McFly, MJF was committed to Family Ties or some other US show.  There is footage of Stoltz as McFly but there is in no way “a better movie” in existence, he was sacked in short order.

Govt is sending Refugees/ asylum seekers to Hartlepool, in the hope they’ll subsequently phone the home office and ask if there’s any chance of a flight to Rwanda instead!

Don’t suggest this just before the elections, they are desperate enough to adopt it as a policy!

Italy doesn’t exist. It was invented by Big Sandwich in the 1940s to sell hot, open sandwiches

I may look that old but I’m a child of the 60’s and I’m not tall, or are you being rude?

There is an actual conspiracy that Finland doesn’t exist

Eric Stoltz was originally cast as Marty McFly, MJF was committed to Family Ties or some other US show.  There is footage of Stoltz as McFly but there is in no way “a better movie” in existence, he was sacked in short order.

They shot with Stoltz for 6 weeks of what was supposed to be a  14week shoot – almost half a movie worth. The shoot wasn’t in story order so there were scene with him from all the key stages of the movie which would make it easy to infer theres a whole movie with him in. Poor guy. (although he did get paid for the whole movie so I guess he’s not that upset)

Fox had always been first choice and because ‘Family Ties’ wouidn’t release him when finally did join the shoot he was filming Family Ties during the day and Back to the Future at night and at the weekends.

There are some shots in the movie that are still Stotlz – when Marty jumps into the delorian in his radiation suit before travelling back in time – thats Stotlz in the suit.

Deer aren’t real, they’re mobile receiver stations for the not real birds to transmit their surveillance signals to in rural areas

Yeah, I saw one yesterday evening while out for a walk, it was standing in a crop field, just its head sticking up above the crop. No antlers, I think those are narrow band antenna, this one’s ears were spread out, so they’re obviously dish antenna.

Rwanda isn’t actually a country, it’s the name of the Greggs sausage manufacturing plant…..

I’ll let your imagination work the rest out.