Hello, after having a brief attempt at a relationship last year, which sadly went wrong, I have come to question the importance of ‘things-in common’. I had a lot in common with the last prospective partner, maybe we were to much alike?

I have recently started seeing a lot more of a woman I have known for a bout three years, we couldn’t have less in common but get on very well. There is quite a gap in our ages, different ethnic origin, different first language, culture, diet, faith, etc.

This hasn’t come up so far an perhaps never will but she does not eat any pork products – I do. I’m not fussed about pork (or eating meat at all) so should i give it up?

What would you be prepared to change / sacrifice?

Why would you have to give up anything? I don’t eat any meat – but will prepare it for my family.

I’m sure she wouldn’t expect you to adopt her lifestyle choices.

Would she eat pork for you?

It’s a non-issue. I’m veggie, my OH isn’t. She wants to eat meat, she eats it on her own. My cooking is veggie when I’m making food for both of us.

Utopia doesn’t exist
So if you can’t be yourself then don’t bother

sx-xc, no she doesn’t expect me too, it is a personal choice thing. it just made me wonder about the whole concept of this. Would making changes really be so bad? The people who appear most against it all seem to be single!

Bacon sandwich?

The people who appear most against it all seem to be single and happy!

Although I love food, doing without a certain type of meat is not high on my priorities, and is a level of change I could make without problem. The religious dogma surrounding the restrictions of a particular type of meat would be an insurmountable problem.

grantway – single? I agree utopia doesn’t exist but people make changes all the time for all sorts of reasons – become vegetarians, go on a crash diet, take up a new hobby, a change of image for a new job, etc. etc.

So why does making changes to ease the path with a new partner seem so bad? Surely moving from single to ‘a relationship’ is a massive change?

Having bought two houses for women I didn’t like I think I might have a view on this.
Let me say that ten years ago I bought a house for and married Mrs Wingnuts. And bloody happy that I did too.
Now I may be getting on abit but I think the thing to ask is not would you be prepared to change, but are you happy/comfortable with yourself? If you are you are much more able to try, tolerate or say no to things, and this surprisingly makes you far more attractive to potential partners. The second mortgage gobbler was probably a 20/20 match in terms of education, experience, interests whereas Mrs W might scrap a 12 out of 20 on these, but it is joy to live with her (and feel confident in each other to say you bog off and shop/gym while I get muddy/fettle). I think attitude is probably the key, because whilst you will share important things your partner can continually bring new things to help a relationship grow. Mrs W is a veg and I’m not. Never been an issue.
Just writing that has made me feel how lucky I am.

Would making changes really be so bad?

No, probably not. The more you agonise over it, the more confused you’ll make yourself. If it feels right to not eat pork, then don’t. You can always have it when you eat out. If it came to “I love you but we cannot be together unless you refuse to eat pork…” then you probably need to be asking yourself a few hard questions.

Relationships come with compromises – I’ve yet to meet anyone in a happy relationship that hasn’t compromised some aspect of his or her life as a result.

However…

There is quite a gap in our ages, different ethnic origin, different first language, culture, diet, faith, etc.

Has the relationship progressed beyond emailing, msn, twitter, facebook etc?

😉 (Joke)

I personally wouldnt want to do anything deliberate to change myself for a partner.
thats not to say I wont change, but it would be “organic” rather than delibarate.

I’m not single, and I am sure I have changed since I met my partner, but only because we have changed together I would think.

I dont think people should do anything major, I eat a lot less meat these days (almost none really), but before I met my OH I though veggie food was boring and bland (i know realise it isnt) so my severe decline in meat eating isnt to please her particularly, but I have changed as a result of being with her.

Are you basing your presumption of a relationship based on what? Food?

Erm.. me thinks you’ve got more to worry about.

Do you get on? Do you like her? Does she fit your current needs and would she in the future?
Does this partner feel the same?

Hit the basics first, then start jogging, then running, best off walking first though.

My wife and i are on paper complete opposites, but i love her dearly , we’ve been together 4 yrs, i have never given up anything for her however.

If you meet the right one for you, you shouldn’t have to, because she’s the right one.

She eats meat i don’t it’s never been a problem, because i love her.

I ride bike she doesn’t, she rides a wheelchair, it doesn’t matter because i love her.

If you are happy to change and she isn’t pressuring you to do so then why not?

It is only when your partner starts telling you that you HAVE to change that there is a problem.

Do you think she would change her habits for you? Not starting to eat pork as that would be a stupid thing to expect (I assume she doesn’t eat ork on religious grounds?) But would she change something she does that is not of importance to her if she thought it would make you happier? If you think she would then all is good.

Are you basing your presumption of a relationship based on what? Food?

I don’t think he is – he is just using that as an example of change that he is considering.

Why the hell would anyone choose to spend their life with someone who wanted to change them?

deadlydarcy – you make a fair point, she is very easy going and doesn’t expect change. I put this to the test today by taking her to a Wetherspoons for coffee on our way to meet friends, though she was amazed to see people drinking beer at 10am!

I put this to the test today by taking her to a Wetherspoons for coffee on our way to meet friends, though she was amazed to see people drinking beer at 10am!

OK now see how she reacts to your morning can of special brew tomorrow 😉

Changing what you do isn’t a biggie, as long as you are choosing to.
Changing what you are is a no-no.

Why the hell would anyone choose to spend their life with someone who wanted to change them?

I don’t think she sounds like that though does she?

As m_f says, he’s just considering how he might change certain aspects of his lifestyle – just throwing it out there for the hive mind. As ever, some people jump on the extreme end a bit too early. 🙂

I guess if (and it’s a big if!) I ever got together with someone else in the future, then it would be on the basis of being attracted to them for who they are, rather than wanting to change them, and I would like it if they felt the same way about me.

That doesn’t mean that I’d expect or want us to be the same, in fact one of the wonderful things about people is how different we all are. I think it’s fun to try new things, or share someone else’s passion or interests, and don’t have the slightest problem accomodating someone else’s practical diet preferences.

But of course there’s limits to compromise in a relationship, I wouldn’t be prepared to stop biking / cycling / hiking / climbing; nor would I be willing to give up my friends or leave my job. But then I probably would be attracted to someone who wasn’t active or love the outdoors.

She sounds nice, he sounds wishy washy.

I put this to the test today

If you have to put your relationship to the test even you know she’s not the one.

It should be a pleasure being with her, no effort at all. Seems to me you are trying to hard.

She sounds nice, he sounds wishy washy.

To avoid a ban, I shan’t say what you sound like. A lot of the time.

supertramp – Member
grantway – single?

Nope Married, you simply have not found someone with similar interests
Wouldn’t ask the mrs to change anything has it would only be a short
time when she would be herself again
Just find someone with similar interests and then go from there.

Relationships always has compromises But to change will
be like walking on eggshells for the both of you.

[There is quite a gap in our ages, different ethnic origin, different first language, culture, diet, faith, etc.]

My wife is 22 years younger than me, she came from a muslim family ( im a white scottish agnostic), she cooks bacon sandwiches, buys me pork pies, scotch eggs etc for me. She is degree level educated – i have 4 o’ levels, she likes Katie Melua type music, i take her to see Motorhead, Hawkwind, The Cult, Kasabian etc.
She hates cycling – i don’t and do it.
i ride fast motorbikes – she loves it – until we fall off :-()

My family and friends think she is a wonderful person.
Her family and friends despise me and have now disowned her.

Get on with it man – don’t worry about others opinions, your heart will tell you what is right.

flip – I didn’t do tis to actually ‘test’ her, it was more a figure of speech to make the point easier to make. The truth was it was just open and convenient.

Crankygirl has changed while we have been together. Was began now eats dairy and fish as I do. Has become keen on bikes she is also more tolerant of bad jokes. I have gone from bitter never again divorced to happily married father. All life involves change and if you enter into a relationship you will change.

Don’t be with some one who wants to change you though.

I tested crankygirl by making her watch rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead, she laughed
!

Cougar – Member
Would she eat pork for you?

Snigger….Fnar fnar

Personally, I always try and hold the farts in for the first few dates…

tron – a very worthy point and so far she has 😉

Not heard of ‘opposites attract’ I don’t think i have a single thing in common with the bread knife, we ruck and row, she hates my music, hers is best used in lifts. Try as I may I can never make her laugh but imv I’m frikken hilarious at times, well I crack myself up 😉

She’s the very soul of discretion I couldn’t keep a secret if my life depended on it, she doesn’t drink and rarely dances at ‘do’s, I don’t stop til I’ve danced with every woman in the room and then fallen over pissed.

But it’s been the best part of thirty years now and even though we’d probably never admit it we couldn’t live without each other, and really miss any time spent separated, funny how some relationships ‘work’ eh?

So no never try to change a thing about yourself, I have a mate did exactly that, he’s had a life of torment trying to keep up this appearance of what he thinks ‘she’ wants and really he doesn’t have her respect, they aint stupid women.

Why the hell would anyone choose to spend their life with someone who wanted to change them?

I’ll ask my gf, when i met her she had a boyfriend… LOL

The religious dogma surrounding the restrictions of a particular type of meat would be an insurmountable problem.

I’m not sure as I’d say the dogma is a problem, the lack of critical thinking would be a bigger issue for me.

Personally, I always try and hold the farts in for the first few dates…

I don’t. Why win over a date on false pretences? I’d rather be loved despite my farts, rather than present a false image of who I was.

This tickles me, this thread I mean.
Surely at some point you just have to do what suits you, we’ve not evolved by submission, but by thrusting forward as humans. Hey, each person makes mistakes, I know I have, sure we all have.

“above all things: to thine own self be true”

Speak with your partner, ask her pointed questions, she’ll react, let’s hope she reacts the way you want her to.

my wife doesnt like me will rarely converse with me but she loves me and me her we never argue or fight. she has silent looong sulks.
before we started she made me give up extra marital affairs. which i used yo have a lot of and frankly she was right no mucking about is so much better than all that faffing about.
i do what she wants she does what she wants and occasionally brillaintly they coincide and we have the best time together.. we have two great kids and a nice home i have all the toys and more than i should have/ expect. i have holidays with me mates and can spend what i want on what i want the only caveat been if she wants anything i say yes and give her the money. i have to organise and pay for family holidays all she expects to do is show up..
i expect/want to spend the rest of my life with her and dont expect her to change even her mind for me.

I could live with someone with very different views to me but I could not and would not live with someone whose decisions in life were based on a religion or faith or belief that was not open to question.

gixer.john – that sounds cool 😉

I think it depends on what sort of personality you have. Some people flow like water whilst others are made of stone, consistent and reliable. I think I’ve changed quite a lot since I’ve been with my wife and it’s been for the better. She has changed as well, though it’s much more of an organic thing as you grow together during a relationship. I love to make my wife happy and so certain character flaws have been smoothed a little during our time together. Equally, if she did something significant that I didn’t appreciate I let her know, whilst never expecting her to change. She does eat pork though 😉

Yeah, I’d change the way I act and some of the things I do to make the person who makes me happy, happy. If there’s something I do she doesn’t like, I’d want her to tell me so I can do something about it. That’s one way you make a partnership work.

There are limits though and while I’d be happy enough not to eat pork around her, there are some things I just won’t do.

One of her friends forces her husband and her sons to sit down when they take a wee because occasionally, they miss the bowl…..

Sorry love, sometimes I might splash accidentally for a variety of reasons but there’s no way you’re turning me into a girl.

My view – successful relationships are alla bout comprimise change and growth. Mrs TJ and I had to find a compimise on food for example – one carnivore and one herbivore does not make for a happy household – occasional fish was what we came to and I eat meant when out to eat sometimes.

If you are not prepared to compromise and change then life will be hard – but you must do it because you want to even if you want to do so to please her not because she want you to – that way lies resentment.