I rather like where I live.
My landlord thinks it would be a good idea to sell now.

So, they say things like the smell of coffee and fresh bread help sell a place. What, apart from a big half flushed deposit in the porcelain will put a buyer off. Can't be too destructive, landlord has to see that I care for the place.

I await your ideas…

dirty laundry everywhere
unwashed crockery in the sink
bikes in every room…

eau de mildew behind your ears (or the sink cupboards)

An unidentifiable bass beat "coming from the neighbours" (actually just a bass can under the floorboards)

Ask neighbours if you can keep a fridge (or a cortina on bricks or shopping trolleys) on their front lawn for a little while for rent.

mention the noisy neighbours from hell
answer the front door whilst leisurely scratching your balls

ebay ?

Pursuade your landlord that the house is wonderful and he should be trying to get peak 2007 price for it, to ask anything less would be giving it away.

nbt – that is standard operating procedure

then offer to shake their hands

as for the car on bricks, I once had neighbours who buried a car in their garden, took them about a week

top idea stoner, may be able to do it cheaper – the landlord sold the garden as a building plot last month and it is yet to be claimed, could find some junk for that

Try desperately to cough over the noises being made by the poltergeist. Or try and draw a veil over the the repeated incidents where mobs of vigilantes mistakenly surround the house thinking its the lair of some awful pedophile, due to a similarity between your address and the address of a real, dreadful pedophile.

leave a ouija board out, maybe some garlic here and there and a few crosses.
answer the door carrying a bible. show them around saying random things like whispering "the lord will protect you", they know your here….

that ought to do it!

All good tips, but well known to experienced buyers who love it – means they can get off with offering less.

Can you afford to buy it off him if you like it? Grab a bargain while the price is low.

Masturbating into a dogbowl whilst wearing a gimpmask and viewing hard core bondage pornography during the viewing usually gets them out the house quickly.

Or fresh earth sprinkled over the patio, and your new "collection" of knives hanging from the walls in a display, perhaps with a pot boiling on the stove containing bones, and perhaps a few squares of fur on the worktops next to the pot can make that subtle but all important "first impression" a negative one.

I don't know why you're overcomplicating it – just don't allow viewings. Few people will want to buy anything without at least having a quick look inside.

If you've got an AST, you have a right to peaceful enjoyment of the property – the landlord does not have any right to enter, or to give keys to an estate agent, regardless of what notice they give.

You may not own it, but it is your home and you do have the right to control who comes and goes during your tenancy. Of course, if you get on with your landlord and don't mind people traipsing through your house at all times of the evening and weekend, ignore the above. But then you probably wouldn't be asking the internet on how to put them off.

Just politely, firmly, refuse to allow viewings until your tenancy agreement is finished.

Become a nudist.

When the viewers come just say "It's sold, somebody just offered him the asking price".

If the landlord wants to sell, look for somewhere else, you won't win and will probably get evicted regardless of what you do. Also consider why the landlord wants to sell, are they having issues with the mortgage, if they get repossessed the first you will know is when the ballifs arrive to kick you out. (it is legal to give no notice as you don't exist!)

Before potential buyers come round, nail dead animals to the door. Disembowel fish, rub the juices over your face, ram the rest in your mouth. Rub lemon juice in your eyes. Take off all your clothes. Get some Wagner on and play it really loud. Open the door to viewers with a manic stare, holding an axe, spew the fish entrails into their faces, and just shrug your shoulders. Video this and put it on tinternet.

Buy it yourself and ask for a discount seeing as it would be such a simple sale

Unscrew some door hinges slightly so that they don't close properly, then mention recent incidences of subsidence.

Get the neighbours to play 'Everything I do I do it for you' on repeat at full volume whenever there's a viewing.