Do you ever worry that your a bad parent?

It took me a very long time to learn that as my daughter got older, my role as educator became less important and that forcing my opinion down her throat, under the guise of teaching her, could maybe change to a role of  guiding her. :) Now that she is older and we I can have a conversation were we have differing opinions, Ive found we get on much better.  I must have done something right if she learned how conversation works in this house :):):)

Every reasonable parent worries about it. MrsMC is a social worker so I know I’m not a bad parent on the wider scale.

Eldest has just graduated,  got a job and a house with his other half. Youngest is facing up to what should be decent  A levels and moving on with her chosen next stage.

I’ve done better than my parents did with me

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain. Seems vaguely relevant to this thread.

Honestly being a teacher and seeing lots of kids and parents I can honestly say Kryton if you at least consider what might be possible to do better and take a small amount of care you are doing better than many.

Yes, I let my son down before he was born. He got stuck coming out, the dr said she would need to do a caesarean, then thought she would give forceps a go.

Gave up, so wife was rushed to theatre for caesarean then dr thought she’d try forceps again with no luck.
At the time I was thinking of it was so  urgent to get him out (esp as he was premature) why delay? Being our first child I was a bit naive/ thought the dr knew best.

As a result the delays caused his CP. We know it is the dr & consultant’s fault but everyday I regret not saying something.

Ours are adopted, so even if I’m not the best, I’m pretty sure I’m a better parent than the first lot :-)

I superglued two of my fingers together last night because the kids were distracting me. That resulted in some harsh language that’s for sure! Some days I think I’m an okay parent, others I think they’d be better off without me around. I don’t have a great benchmark though to be honest. My father was an emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic.

They seem pretty well rounded for a six and ten year old. Most of that is down to their mum I reckon. We have a few battles over how sheltered they are. I find it difficult at times because at ten I was basically doing what the hell I wanted and out and about at all hours. My eldest can’t go anywhere alone and there has to be a sensible middle ground.

Mine are 21 and 16 now and I couldn’t be prouder of them. My other half and I have quite different ways of parenting but between the two of us we seem to have mostly got it right. I think if you’re worried about being good then that’s half the battle as it shows you care. As has also been said I just try and be a bit better than my dad was, not that he was a bad parent but he worked too hard and wasn’t very present.

Only bad parents wouldn’t worry about it.  The fact you are worrying about it means you are not.

Oh dear, I must be a bad parent. Not that I’m worried, I doubt junior worries about it either. Funny that, he’s 26 and we rode up to Luz Ardidenne on roadies yesterday chatting happily on the way. Sure we’ve had our moments and some of it pissed me off but I don’t think worrying about it would have helped. As with most relationships, put yourself in their shoes and mix what they would expect you to do with what they hope you’ll do with what  seems reasonable to you.

If I’ve any advice, it’s to remain resolutely positive, keep helping them even when there’s naff all return on investment, never do anything out of spite, and be the person you hope they’ll become.

Not read all the posts, but when our three kids were younger both sets of their grandparents said we were too harsh on them. Then in the next breath said how well behaved they were (shrug).

Oldest is 20, youngest is 13 now. I like to think they’ve all turned out, so far, pretty well rounded and pretty much abide by Rule #1.

We’ve never been a particularly huggy family, which some people find odd, but we do show them affection. With the older two and me it’s normally something along the lines of, alright tosser :-D

Interestingly had some comments from two separate sets of their great Aunt and great Uncle, that they’re lovely kids. So we must be doing something right.

The one that upsets me is when you see people just shouting at their kids or ignoring them and looking at their phones.

Based on what you’ve written OP,  you seem to be doing a grand job, by my standards anyway.

Oldest doesn’t drink, but when we went to a gig and he was 18 I made him buy me a beer (haha)

and be the person you hope they’ll become.

Not a chance! I want them to be much better people than me ?

Bad,  no because I’m trying as hard as I can to do what’s best for them, putting them first.  Failing to achieve… yes I feel that sometimes.  Helpless, I even feel that at times such as if one of the kids is upset by other kids in school and you know as an adult how they feel and that there are no quick fixes.  I hate that and desperately want a solution to instantly make my kids feel good again and feel,  yes helpless. Bad though, no.

woody2000Full Member
All the f***ing time.  My eldest (15) is currently not attending school and is locked in his room doing **** all. We have literally no idea what to do with him, and we both feel we have utterly failed as parents :(

@woody2000. We went through this with my daughter when she was 15 and in her final GCSE year. Her school were pretty good and between us and them we organised some mental support. Just someone for her to chat to on the phone once a week.  Massive waiting list for CAMS so we were lucky to bypass that.

Eventually she agreed to go into class for maths and English lessons and the school agreed she could do other schoolwork remotely.

Don’t beat yourself up about it. I found myself in real despair many times in the final GCSE year, to the point of tears several times, but when we spoke to the school and to other people we knew, it became apparent that the situation was not uncommon, which made us feel a little less useless .

At the end of the year she was allowed to take her GCSEs, did well enough to get to college (she needed to be out of the school environment) and is now studying Stage and Theatre Design at University.

I grew up with an emotionally abusive and controlling father .

Aye, similar. My mother was a beast, she ticked all the boxes. Seeing the impact on some of my troops and their kids over the years, and coming to understanding the impact on myself through therapy I made a very clear decision no kids for me. It has cost me relationships over the years even though I’d been upfront, I guess some thought they could change my mind.

The fact that some of your clearly give this thought and worry makes me feel like I’d be happy to have you as a parent, as the worry shows care and consideration, which is more than mine ever gave a shit about. Go easy on yourselves.

Just back from moving my 31 yo son into his new place in Birmingham. He’s now of an age that we spend some quality time together and he’s confident enough to tell me when I’m wrong and explain why.

My daughter lives close by and we see her regularly.

They both have some of my odd behaviours due to the Jesuits being correct about the years until 7 (I did a fair bit of solo parenting on shift rest days whilst Mrs S did her career)!

Not a chance! I want them to be much better people than me ?

I wanted mine to be what they wanted to be. What I was getting at was be a role model. If you don’t want an alcoholic don’t abuse alcohol, if you want them to treat people well – treat them well, if you don’t want them to be a lousy driver be a model driver, if you don’t want them to eat badly eat well, if you think being aware of what’s going on the world is important watch the news from multiple countries, if you think Europe’s great show them, if you think languages will be useful to them then make multiple languages a part of their life.

Lead by example but don’t place the bar so high they’ll feel a failure, I didn’t want him to be much better than me (even if he is), I wanted him to be him – straight or gay, a captain of industry or DJ, a carpenter (that failed he doen’t know one end of a screw driver from the other)or an intellectual higher flyer because they’re all equally valid.

Too many parents want their kids to be better than them, so put them under pressure to succeed and make them feel failures even when they are succeeding.

And far too many parents want their kids to realise the dreams they didn’t realise themselves. So don’t want/expect them to be better than you. Lead by example but let them choose their own attainable goals then help them as best you can.

I am shit, my other half confirms this.

I am still a thousand times better than my parents.

Not sure any of my grandparents knew they had children let alone grandchildren.

I doubt any gets through parenting without doubts.

Also from further up the thread Doctors are not to be trusted, our GP said our 11 year old had gastric flu, we took him to A and E and it was a burst appendix, my GP told me I had acid reflux it was angina, my GP said my ankle was fine the radiologist said it looked like a box of broken biscuits. A consultant over prescribed a drug that shut my pancreas down just missed a diabetic coma. The best one was the local anesthetic injection that went spectacularly wrong. Currently have a knee that is knackered and again its fine apparently. They are by and large f**king useless at best and dangerous at worst.

Yes. Drank far too much alcohol in their presence. Quit now but fear the damage was done some years ago.  Son 21, daughter 20.

Constantly and usually after the fact.  But as much as I ask them to modify their behaviour (12 and 7) I do continually try to reflect on my own.  I’m a quite restrained person, especially in a PDA kind of way, but when stressed I become downright dour.  I TRY not to project this to the kids, but am not always (not often) successful.  I need to try harder.

A couple of cracking posts there Edukator  …. chapeau.

I think some people have hit the kid lottery in terms of ease of raising them.

I’m very happy for these people, but these are absolutely not the people to be giving advice.  According to them, you ‘simply’ have to do x, y, or z and your kids will magically sail through childhood and emerge as well adjusted adults.

I had absolutely no problems getting my kids to sleep.  Therefore, my sleep advice would be, ‘It’s easy, you just be consistent and put them down at the same time every night with minimal distractions and they fall asleep within a few minutes.’

This advice is worse than useless for anyone who has problems getting their kids to sleep.  Worse than useless because it suggests that since getting kids to sleep is so easy there must be something wrong with you as a parent if it doesn’t work for you.

In terms of general child raising, often we are working through generational trauma ourselves, undiagnosed neuro-divergent conditions (both kids and parents), and environments that we simply can’t control in any way (hate to tell you but the other kids in your kid’s class are probably going to do far more to shape them as a person than you as a parent ever will).  If you hit the lottery then I’m jealous but also genuinely happy for you.

So long as you don’t insist on telling the rest of us how easy it is.

*As a side note, my parents think they did a great job with me but after becoming a parent myself I realise now just how **** shit at it they were.  I don’t really have the heart to tell them though as, honestly, what would be the point.

Daily thought here, but am adjusting my expectations of myself and trying do better. As others have said, I try not to parent how I was parented in the 70’s/ 80’s but its hard not slip into it sometimes when tired and frustrated.

Though helpfully a recent venting thread of mine on here helped to clarify all my failures from the perfect parents commenting, though thankfully they were outnumbered by supportive others finding it just as difficult at times.

I worry about it. I worry that I’m not fun enough, or that I’m “too much fun” at the wrong times. I worry that I’m a nag, and a bit of a helicopter parent. I worry that I’m not as good as my partner (to be fair, I KNOW I’m not). I worry that they don’t “get” my sense of humour. I worry that I’m not “present” enough, what with my shifts an’ all. I do everything that I can for my family and the kids are frankly amazing, but I honestly know that that is probably more reflective of my partner’s abilities as a parent than mine.

Very much this to a tee.

Seems there is a lot of chastising of the previous generations of parenting on here, was chatting with friends at the weekend and it’s remarkable what people have been through in previous generations – one was the daughter of Vietnamese boat people & my own grand father was at Gallipoli, subsequently becoming an alcoholic & leaving the family home when my dad was about 8, who himself was evacuated away from any family from age 11 to 17 – expecting him to be a perfect parent after all that baggage was never going to happen.

I don’t think it’s possible to be a perfect parent but we can but try to be our best – parent to 5 kids aged 23 to 35.

The one that upsets me is when you see people just shouting at their kids or ignoring them and looking at their phones.

If you’ll pardon the pun, it’s all relative.

I was in a shop a couple of years back, there was bloke with a young kid about waist high. He turns to the lad and yells “stop it, you’re being a little c**t now aren’t you!”

All the time. I had a pretty horrible upbringing from a toxic witch, I mean mother, and strict but loving Dad.

As I’ve aged, these things which seemed normal at the time were anything but and I’ve made sure to change my parenting to ensure I do the good bits and don’t do the bad bits.

I’m still fairly certain some of the toxic traits have made an appearance in front of my kids but my wife and I can safely say that we’re doing it better than our own parents.

The very fact that you’re even thinking about this stuff suggests you’re not a bad parent.

We’re very lucky in that we have a very happy family, 3 kids,  each with a long term partner and with either 1 or 2 kids.  We go on family holidays all together.

These days my only strictness aimed at my grandkids extends to banning of stabilisers and insistence that they have a balance bike as soon as they can walk.  Good progress so far, the first four have been pedalling since they were three.  Only one to go

A few years back we were together with the 3 of them and they told us “we’re glad you were strict”.

These days my only strictness aimed at my grandkids extends to banning of stabilisers and insistence that they have a balance bike as soon as they can walk.  Good progress so far, the first four have been pedalling since they were three.  Only one to go!

I guess they were comparing their lives to those of their friends who suffered from more indulgent and matey parents.

But I think we come from a more stable upbringing than most.  In our entire extended families we don’t have a single person with “step -” in their title.

That edit didn’t go quite as well as it should.  I blame my broadband cutting in and out this week.

I’ll admit I have been guilty in the past of being a judgemental prick when it comes to other people’s kids, and how their parents ‘parent’. Sometimes it was probably justified, but most of the time it probably wasn’t. I now try to remind myself that it’s often easy to look at things from afar and make judgments when you don’t know the full picture of how people’s lives are. It really does seem we are often too quick to criticise rather than try to empathise. 

I suppose it’s human nature but I was surprised how toxic the primary school gates could be, I don’t miss that. So many factors influence how kids grow up, Crap parents can have great kids, and great parents can have kids that cause them no end of problems. 

My parents weren’t perfect but my respect for them did go up when I became a parent and realised how difficult it is! Also I do feel a bit more guilty over how much stress I caused them especially for the years between when I was 14 and 19, as I was a right bugger at times.

What I have learnt is many things are not as black & white, straightforward, set in stone, or as logical as many would have you believe.

I definitely worry, at times too much, at times unnecessarily, but I think it’s quite a normal thing to do. I suppose if the worrying becomes too much that could be a problem and time to seek some help. 

If someone thinks they are a good parent then I suspect one of three things:

1: their child is “easy”

2: they are actually a bad parent

3: they are a good parent, but this is highly unlikely

from what you say about disturbing your tv time and being grumpy in the morning, this sounds pretty normal to me.

as for being happy with their friends and hostile with you, also normal. When they are out the house they have their game face on. At home they can relax.

They are probably also tired. If they are polite and engaged in public, you are  doing something right.

and you’ve enrolled them in an active they enjoy, this is good.

then there is the personalities to contend with. Not everything is down to nurture.

humans weren’t meant to be raised in houses separated from the rest of their clan. I’m not even sure if parents are the best places people to be raising children. Seems like a job for grandparents rather than the busy ones

I worry sometimes, I had to work away from home a lot when they were young, I sometimes drink too much, I don’t shout at them enough (according to a Finish friend of my wife’s parents) but my job is to get them through to independence as well as possible.

They’re now 16 and 18 and doing fine. They didn’t sleep as babies and the schadenfreude of one of the perfect parents having a first baby that slept and a second who didn’t still makes me smile.

My parents were OK, my mum lost her mum very young, was educated in a convent boarding school in India from age 6 and came to Scotland age 19 on the last troop ship out of India at Independence.  She spent her whole life apologising and not knowing how to cook – not her fault.

My dad was lucky, he spent his teenage years bunking off school to spend his time on Croydon golf course watching the anti aircraft guns. Where he lived wasn’t a bombing target but was where a lot of bombers in the blitz dropped their bombs on the way to or from so odd houses disappeared every night – see the film “Hope and Glory”, typical south London.

Neither of my parents were perfect but they did their best. I think they were actually quite good. My mum went completely mad when I was 17/18 when my older brother took his own life (I use this phrasing as I feel that it’s unfair to remove his agency from what happened). They divorced a few years later but I have no rancour for either, the pain was too much for them both.

Nobody is perfect, the good people are those who did their best or tried to.