Do you ever worry that your a bad parent?

I was brought up with relatively harsh parenting in an argumentative environment which resulted in distant relationships during adult years, and always wanted a closer family when I decided to have kids.

A bit of reflection today and I wander whether I’m a bit harsh on the kids.  This comes after my eldest got grumpy with me moaning this morning and walked away without saying goodbye, and I got annoyed with my youngest last night keep getting out of bed and interrupting the TV schedule to the point we get no time alone to have a bit of mindless rest.  Subsequently their swim club has posted photos of them enjoying themselves hugely with their friends.

That all sounds terribly selfish and not being a particularly emotional person, I wonder if they see me as a grumpy uptight angry annoying Dad in a similarly miserable home environment.    As they flee the nest over the next few years, I worry and hope that they might visit for a Pint with Dad sort of thing, and not avoid meeting for anything more than “becuase I should”.

I can’t help thinking I’ve failed and projected my experiences onto them and they probably deserve better, but am now confused re the balance of “telling off” and “building a positive relationship”.

How old are they?

I don’t worry about it. I know I’m a bad parent.

However, I am better than my parents and realistically I think that’s all we can really hope for (unless you happen to be someone who doesn’t have to work for a living and can devote themselves full time to self improvement).

Like I told my son the other day, all we can really do is try our best and apologise when we **** up.

Yes, I worry about it all the time.  I think it’s a very natural thing to worry about.  Only bad parents wouldn’t worry about it.  The fact you are worrying about it means you are not.

I grew up with an emotionally abusive and controlling father.

Some conflict is normal in families, especially with growing children as they move toward independence. It also does them good to realise that their parents (and by extension other people) have limits and are not perfect in a safe environment.

The difference between this sort of normal conflict and the actions of people like my father is that he deliberately set out to provoke it for his own reasons.

The very fact that you are reflecting on the consequences of your parenting actions tends to imply that you are a “good enough” parent, which, honestly IMO, is as good as you can get. Paradoxically being a “perfect” parent can cause it’s own problems.

How old are they?

A month away from 16 (M) & 12 (F) respectively.

I would have been a terrible parent, which is why I had an early vasectomy

Do they get properly fed every day, get decent clothes, etc.? Do you physically beat them? I went to school with some kids who had nightmarish parents, being a bit grumpy at times is nothing by comparison. Teenagers tend to be surly, ungrateful little monsters, doesn’t matter what you do, they’ll find something to moan about. However, when they’re grown up they’ll have a better perspective on things and appreciate you a bit more.

I worry about it a lot. We ought to – it’s the only way we can become better parents.

But being a grumpy middle-aged man is definitely one of the risks of being a dad and wage-slave, so you should listen to what that voice is telling you.

I got annoyed with my son last night because he was throwing a bit of a strop about his new braces. He was complaining about the foods he couldn’t eat, and the effort of cleaning them, and generally being negative to me and the less grumpy parent.

I started telling him off, and after a moment I realised he looked ready to cry. He was stressed, in pain and discomfort, and feeling overwhelmed. He needed a hug, not a bollocking, and I almost missed that cue and made things worse instead.

Yes, always. I’ve mentioned it a few times on other threads that I always feel I’m failing or not doing enough for them

I think it is normal to worry about that.

Key thing is to be aware of it and know that you always apologise if you have messed up

I’m my experience, good parents are the very ones that worry about if they are good parents op.

It’s many of the ones that just assume they are model parents and don’t question that assumption for a second that might have the issues…

I’m not a parent, by choice.  I think though, we can only do the best with what we have.  Mister-P is on the money here.

My dad and I never really got on.  I always vowed I’d never be like him if I were to become a parent.  I’ve now got a 2-year old in the house by dint of my partner’s 20-something daughter reproducing, along with two others as she’s childminding.  And it’s hard, it’s really hard.  I mostly lock myself in the office until they’ve gone.  I look after them for a few minutes sometimes when she goes to the loo and I find it really uncomfortable, I’m just not programmed for it.

For all practical purposes, most of my adult life my family was “my mum” and that’s it.  Now I’ve suddenly inherited a family, there’s sisters and step-sisters and sons and daughters and uncles and child’s fathers and… it’s a culture shock.

I met my dad in the pub one time.  He was talking to some old bloke.  He asked me “do you know who this is?”  I replied no, he said “it’s your grandad.”  The one and only time I met my dad’s dad and he couldn’t have been more disinterested.  I genuinely believe it’s genetic, I just lack whatever gene it is that make people want children and it’s seemingly something which runs in the male side of my family.

I would have been a terrible parent, which is why I had an early vasectomy

My wife and I have decided we don’t want children, our boys don’t seem to have taken it very well….

I don’t worry, but then nor do I have kids.

Win win.

Dont worry about it. Teenagers are horrible. I used to have arguments all the time with my lad when he was 14-16. I was in the gym the other day where he works, he was chatting with one of the members, he introduced me, the guys first comment was, you’ve done a good job with this one. So despite being made to think I was a terrible parent by him during his teenage years, he acknowldeges that maybe we aren’t that bad, after all.

Being a parent is one long worry for me . Doing enough, doing too much , it’s hard to know but all you can do is your best .

I convinced myself I was a failing parent and it took me to the point of suicide. It was eating away at me for a long time. My son has issues in school and I couldn’t resolve them, they kept getting worse and also started having issues outside of school. I tried all sorts of things, many professionals involved but still no improvement. I could only blame myself at that point.

I made it through that fortunately. And with hindsight I know it’s nonsense, but it still affects me (this was earlier this year).

Being a parent is so difficult regardless of background, upbringing and experience. It’s a job nobody is trained for, there is no set way of doing it, there’s masses of conflicting guidance and then there’s the kids themselves who can vary hugely from child 1 to child 2. If they are loved (and they will know), cared for, respected, disciplined and supported, then you are a successful parent. If anybody willingly doesn’t do any of those things, and many others, then they need help and support as much as their children will to ensure they can provide within their means.

Being self aware is a big positive for children, it helps you reflect. You know better now (not you should have known better).

Also, kids can be horrible !

I worry about it. I worry that I’m not fun enough, or that I’m “too much fun” at the wrong times. I worry that I’m a nag, and a bit of a helicopter parent. I worry that I’m not as good as my partner (to be fair, I KNOW I’m not). I worry that they don’t “get” my sense of humour. I worry that I’m not “present” enough, what with my shifts an’ all. I do everything that I can for my family and the kids are frankly amazing, but I honestly know that that is probably more reflective of my partner’s abilities as a parent than mine.

All the f***ing time.  My eldest (15) is currently not attending school and is locked in his room doing **** all. We have literally no idea what to do with him, and we both feel we have utterly failed as parents 🙁

My parents were woefully poor at the task. The most obvious way to avoid repeating their mistakes was to not have children. Problem solved.

Kids are 24 and 21 here. Son is now realising being an ‘adult’ is a bit crap, so hopefully sees the other side now.  You’d not be normal if you didn’t worry.

My son used his ‘baby bond’ to get his first car, plus we topped it up etc, bought tyres. Roll on a year or two and he turns round ‘my mates parent’s bought their kids cars’.  Erm, what do you think I was doing the last 18 years for you ?

We’ve always had the ‘this mate/that mate get’s to do this that, why don’t I’.

Always the biggest challenge with my son is going to bed at a reasonable time, he still doesn’t do it.

For what it’s worth my ex and I divorced when my kids were six and four respectively. I became the absent parent with access at holidays and every 2nd weekend . I worried about being a bad parent constantly. The “kids are now in their mid thirties and doing well. It is natural to worry. What Mister P said +1

We tend to train/practice/educate ourselves to death with nearly every part of life but not parenting for some reason.

It’s a very complicated job with a wide range of skills required, it’s very likely you don’t have all those skills by default just like any other complex task.

What is this place coming to people?

Standards, standards, standards!

Going by the spelling of the thread title if you are responsible for your childs grammar and spelling maybe you should be taking a long, hard look at yourself 😉

We tend to train/practice/educate ourselves to death with nearly every part of life but not parenting for some reason.

I’d say we do (or at least I did).

Maybe I’ve just got particularly challenging children but all the books have done very little to help with the specific problems we have.

Or the issue is that children are all different and the environments they spend most of their time in are constantly evolving and the cure-all book everyone was raving about two years ago is already out of date (and probably wasn’t all that much good to begin with).

Doesn’t really cross my mind to be honest, and the daughter is 23 now and pretty well adjusted.

Yes, I worry about it all the time.  I think it’s a very natural thing to worry about.  Only bad parents wouldn’t worry about it.

Oh dear. :-).

apologise when we **** up

I think this is one of the biggest differentiators between good and bad parents.

We can all lose our patience and/or be grumpy bastards, sometimes for no reason and sometimes with good reason but the grumpy bastard bit is executed in a sub-optimal manner. As long as you can have a conversation at their level explaining either why you did it, why you shouldn’t have, or how you could have done it better I don’t think any kid is going to grow up resenting you as a parent.

Kids are 24 and 21 here.

…

Always the biggest challenge with my son is

Have I misunderstood something here?  He’s old enough to have kids of his own and you’re still trying to enforce bedtime?

I think a lot depends on the demands you put on your children – there’s a big difference between guiding and controlling. And parents should guide.

Our daughter (22 now) was always free to choose her own path. She chose the secondary school she went to, she chose all her options at school, she chose her A-levels, she chose to quit her A-levels and do an apprenticeship! She chose the sports she did and when to stop.

She’s turned out a very grounded kid and has lived away from home since 17. We are very much in the background now, but she know’s we are there to pick her up if she truly screws up.

We had two goals – that she be happy and independent. And fingers crossed she seems to be the former, but we’ve certainly cracked independent!

She does tell us things now that we told her off for when she was younger which we have no recollection of! 🙂

And kids will always have more fun with their mates than friends. And 12 yr old girl and 16 yr old boy is a tricky time!

Mine wasn’t a bad dad, but he was often distant and I don’t remember ever having a deep and meaningful with him. I remember sitting at the dinner table and he’d be quiet, consumed, stewing (presumably over work, but maybe just life as I can appreciate now) and then he’d ask a question about school or something and the answer would invariably be wrong and he’d blow up at it.

I’m determined not to be that Dad to my daughter, but as she’s an only child I worry I’m doing too much and trying to be her best pal. At a time when she’s struggling to maintain friendships at school (she’s small and quiet, her pals are growing fast and loud/outgoing, she’s becoming isolated) I’m not sure if I need to wrap her up or toughen her up. I remember reading a parenting nugget once along the lines of “if they know they have a stable, loving and supportive home, they’ll be more confident to tackle the world”.

Its bloody difficult.

A month away from 16 (M) & 12 (F) respectively

At that age lots of arguments are pretty normal.  We had plenty of arguments about stuff like that with our two, at that sort of age. Now they are in their 30s they’ve both said, unprompted, that we were great parents.

I’m sure yours will be the same.

As said by others, we all worry.

But do you worry and do nothing or worry and want to improve at being a parent. I was parenting like my dad did to me. until i realised there is a better, more loving way to do it.

I thoroughly recommend reading or listening to this book:

It has changed how i am with my 7 year old for the better.

@the-muffin-man seems to have it sussed. I’d echo every word of that

I don’t doubt that the type of person who regards themselves as a model parent would consider me to be an appalling one.

Luckily, I don’t care. There are only 2 peoples opinion that matter…. my 2 daughters. We went out for something to eat last night, before one headed back to uni. We had a great night and their parting words to me as they gave me a big hug were ‘love you dad’

That’s the sound of me winning at life as far as I’m concerned 🙂

Remember Kevin the Teenager was a documentary not a comedy. The test of being a decent parent is who they turn to when in distress, not when things are going well. Both made it to adulthood, through university, and they still call us.

I think most parents worry about it. However I look at my two girls aged 29 and 26 and I couldn’t be more proud of how they have blossomed into adults and what they have achieved.

I remember reading a parenting nugget once along the lines of “if they know they have a stable, loving and supportive home, they’ll be more confident to tackle the world”.

^^This,every single time.

When everything hits the fan,all they need to know is that there’s a safe space (and back up) if they need it.

So many kids never have this.

always worry about it but I comfortable with the fact I’m never going to be perfect, just need to keep trying to be a bit better.

As a child your parents are heroes, as a teenager a disappointment, as an adult you understand them and as someone who is wise…. you forgive them.

But you can use that Cod philosophy now

Be kind on yourself.

Our kids know we don’t ask them to be perfect. The trade off is, they are also aware that we aren’t either.

We all going to make mistake …. I’m just trying to make sure I’m not making the same mistakes my parents did ??

Nah, 1 child, he’s cool. Finished Uni. Rides MTB better than I ever could. And! Even likes to go riding with me occasionally. That’ll do me.

(not sure he’s bothtered about the difference between your and you’re)