Long time lurker and first time poster (under this username) here. Sadly I don’t bike anywhere near as much as I used to, see below for reasons why.

Unfortunately I appear to have become another “man down”, there seems to be a number of these posts of late which is rather concerning. This is a bit of a long one so you may want to fix a brew first.

I am a 30-something high flying civil servant (according to my colleagues at least) who for the past two years threw everything into work. A combination of a job that I was really good at and respected for and a very seductive working environment at the heart of Government meant that I got the work-life balance completely wrong.

As a result I wasn’t a nice person to be around at home to the wife and our children. I’d be irritable, snappy and constantly tired at home. That’s if I wasn’t checking emails for work or dealing with the latest “crisis”. I had little time for friends and hobbies because I always thought I was too busy, ditto for the family. The truth is that I didn’t make the effort.

This was all too much for my wife to bear (also a Civil Servant). She got ever more desperately unhappy and upset that she had lost the real me and after several warnings over a year that she wasn’t happy she did the inevitable.

I was sent away with work one weekend at the start of December and returned on the Sunday evening to a house emptied of hers and the childrens belongings and a note on the table explaining that she had left.

This turned my world upside down and in an instant I knew where I had gone wrong. Truth be told I was unhappy myself for a couple of years due to the pressures of work. But I sucked it up because I thought that was normal, after all I was going out providing for my family and building a career surely everybody feels like that I thought.

The wife and I reconciled within a week and she was back in within two weeks. The children however were sent to live in Scotland with their Grandparents while we sorted things out. However our plan to go up together to spend Christmas with the in-laws was scuppered when they said that I couldn’t go because of how unhappy I had made their daughter. Faced with a choice of spending Christmas with me or the children my wife did the only thing she could do and went up solo. This meant a very miserable Christmas alone for me as we have no family to speak of in London.

Following Christmas the wife returned and all seemed fine for a week or so until half way through January I left work and found a text message explaining that she had left because she needed some “space”, she was also missing the children too much. Again I came home to an empty house finding that she had taken every single one of her belongings.

That tipped me over the edge. I sank into a very deep and dark place. I found myself at the train station a few nights later having been unable to face walking into a cold, dark empty house being stood at the edge of the platform waiting for the next train to jump in front of, I know I am bit of cliche. Luckily my wife talked me down from this over the phone.

She returned to London a few weeks later and asked to move back in, which I agreed to. At the same time I saw the GP who immediately diagnosed me with potential depression and anxiety and prescribed some anti depressants on a low dose and recommended that I contact the local mental health team.

Being diagnosed with depression came as a real shock to me. I always thought I was quite robust and resilient and that I wouldn’t be affected by this. My military service overseas exposed me to some pretty nasty stuff but I always felt ok about it and didn’t dwell on it. However the signs apparently have been there for years.

Within a few days I found work too much to bear and the GP signed me off. My employer by the way has been nothing short of superb in all of this and very supportive.

All of a sudden I found myself at home with not much to do but no interest in doing any of the things that would normally interest me such as riding my bikes, going for a run, painting or reading. The Black Dog had well and truly hit and was sucking the will to live out of me.

If that wasn’t bad enough I was hit by crippling anxiety about the state of my marriage. I was seeking almost constant reassurance from my wife that everything was ok, suffering from panic attacks whenever I thought it wasn’t and just generally not being myself.

At half term our children came back for the week and everything seemed “normal” and happy, we were a family again. The plan is that they return at Easter for good once I start feeling better.

This week however my wife went to Scotland on a work trip and has stayed at her parents house. Last night she dropped off the face of the earth, deleted her Facebook account and didn’t return any messages or answer any calls despite us promising to each other that we would speak every night.

When I finally spoke to her at lunch time she told me that she wasn’t coming home because she was finding it all too difficult and that she had nothing left to give and that she feels empty inside (she has also suffered from depression before). We spoke at length and I made it clear that I believed that we still had a shot and that the real me was coming back, albeit slowly due to my illness. She isn’t sure and has promised that we will talk again later after having given it some more thought.

In the meantime I have been an absolute mess. I am unable to take more than a few steps without collapsing sobbing on the floor. I have self harmed by forcing myself to throw up and taking scalding hot showers to distract myself from the emotional pain.

Today I had a telephone referral with a psychiatric nurse who made it clear to me that if I continued posing a risk to myself that they may have to intervene. I have a follow up appointment with their team on Monday hopefully to access some proper counselling.

I just feel incredibly down, especially at the injustice of it all, despite me being a bit of sh!t for the past year or two I stuck by her for the past four years with her depression and now she finds mine a bit difficult. We’ve been going to marriage counselling for the past 2 months and appeared to have been making some real progress.

I feel incredibly frightened given that I am staring divorce in the face and risk losing it all, the children, the wife , the house (which is rented and no way can either of us afford it on our own) and the car.

What has reassured me, looking on here and elsewhere, is that I am far from the first to go through this so people have obviously survived this and far worse situations.

Therefore what is the Singletrack collective’s advice? Does it get easier? How did you cope if you’ve been through this yourself?

That sounds really really shit.

Who have you got around you? Family, friends, colleagues? Sounds to me like you really need to not be alone just now. You have asked for help on here, are there people close to you you can be with.

I would happily be a buddy over the weekend, go for a ride, beer, meal or whatever but I am in Scotland and you are obviously not, distance may therefore be an issue.

Your need help and support from real people, friends, family and professionals.

Best of luck, and do get some fresh air, it is too simplistic to suggest fresh air and exercise will fix anything but it does tend to level out emotions sometimes.

Being a civil servant too, there’s support mechanisms in place (not sure which one you work for) but we have a counselling service. never used it myself, but some of my staff have and found it helpful.

Got nothing else to help you with as never been in your situation, but keep strong and keep busy. You can come through it.

That sounds really punishing atters – I hope things get better and I am sure they will.
I don’t have much advice really, but the uncertainty of some things you write about seems very damaging for you – the wife and kids are gone in a puff of smoke; you’re going to see the kids for Christmas, then you’re not (!!?); your wife disappears again and can’t be contacted. I don’t think things can improve with things shifting around like this – some solid arrangements are needed and your wife needs to understand that – if it means divorce then so be it. At least you’ll know where you stand and can get better.

And don’t beat yourself up about crippling anxiety about your marriage – I mean what else are you supposed to feel? Your life’s taken a meteor strike so you’re going to be on your arse for a bit. You’ll get back up.

Who have you got around you? Family, friends, colleagues? Sounds to me like you really need to not be alone just now. You have asked for help on here, are there people close to you you can be with.

Unfortunately the nearest family are a good two hours away as we both moved to London for our jobs. My best mate and his wife are coming round tomorrow afternoon for the Rugby I think in an attempt to introduce some normality in my life. This will be my first real social contact since the wife left early on Wednesday morning.

And don’t beat yourself up about crippling anxiety about your marriage – I mean what else are you supposed to feel? Your life’s taken a meteor strike so you’re going to be on your arse for a bit. You’ll get back up.

Thanks, I get this overwhelming sense of weakness at times. I should be strong enough to deal with crap like this but I find it so frustrating how much it has knocked me for six.

You’re going through some very turbulent times… think of it as a flight, where you’re the pilot in the middle of a god awful storm~ it’s extremely nervewracking, you have to wrestle the controls, but after a while, things stabilise and you go on to reach your sunny destination.

At this stage, plenty of exercise and activity will help you feel better and go some way to taking your mind off of things.

You’ve mentioned being in contact with the psychiatric services… probably not a bad idea to try and pursue counselling and/or therapy to help talk it through and hopefully get some inspiring solutions.

Above all else, remember that everything is temporary… no doubt it will take some time to recover, but whatever the outcome, if you pursue things with an open mind, in time, you will be back in a happy place, even if you live a completely different life to what you’ve become accustomed to.

I’m not sure I can add much to the good advice above, but having been through depression, anxiety and divorce myself, I can reassure you that it does get better with time though.

What worked for me was being with friends, fresh air, a bit of exercise, healthy eating and other things that help improve your mood, maybe uplifting music, going somewhere beautiful. I’ve also tried hypnotherapy/mindfulness recently and that has really calmed me down.
I hope things look up for you soon.

Not sure I have much to add except that although it probably feels like you’re totally alone, and you don’t know how you’ll cope, you’re really not, and you will.

While I haven’t had the same experience, I’ve struggled with work-induced depression and all the imbalances and difficulties that come with it. Frankly it doesn’t feel fair – work causes it all, but it’s every other part of your life that bears the brunt of it. The first step really is working out that you’re not happy. The next step is working out what to do about it.

For me, I went to see a therapist – he was actually a bit sh*t, but it was a big first step for me. I also realised that I need to be around my mates, even if only once a week for breakfast, or a quick lunch or something. Being by myself was only making things worse, and having to make normal(ish) conversation to actual human beings was hugely important, every week. Ultimately, I quit my job – today’s my last day at this company. I don’t know if I particularly wanted to, but I really needed to, to be able to get things back on the right track.

Beyond that, accepting that there is no easy fix, is vital. If you’ve been managing with this for a year or so, for example, it may take a year or more to get back on a really even keel.
IMHO, I think you may have to take a similar view with the marriage. It may be better in the long term to take a little time off, to really focus on getting yourself in a better place, to get yourself back on the right track in terms of balance, work, finding the triggers that cause problems etc; and then come back to the family in a much better place, rather than trying to patch it together when the underlying causes (your stress, depression etc) are not fixed. Y’know, fix the condition, not the symptoms, kind of thing?
That doesn’t mean cutting off communication, just accepting that it’ll take time to get back to being the person you want to be; and until you’re back to that, it’s perhaps better to not try rushing things with the family.

In terms of other things, the placebos that have also helped me are:
– Daily Berocca, for the Zinc and Magnesium (apparently it’s important to keep those levels up)
– Headspace. It’s just the one I know, but something that causes you to take a step outside your head for 10 minutes every day; for me it has made me a bit more contemplative, and less caught up in it all, which has helped.
– Forcing myself to get out and see people, and not just for beers.

Key thing is: you can pull through it. You’re already on that path, just keep putting one foot in front of the other; accept that sometimes you’ll fall back a bit, but if you keep moving forwards, you’ll get there. You’re not alone, even if it’s just stwers that are around to talk to, bike with and catch up with.

Have been where you are on numerous occasions and trying to pick yourself out of this is tough but you can do it.

Reading through your post what strikes me is that you haven’t seen a clinical consultant yet which would help you massively. The low dose of medication the GP has given you will probably help you to sleep but a consultant will get you on the right medication straight away. (if you even need any)
He will also help point you in the direction of a CBT/DBT course which can often be life changing.

Because you have alerted the mental health services with the self harming you will be on their radar but they are so snowed under you could be waiting a long time to see anyone unless you escalate. If you have private medical insurance through work or you want to pay for it yourself I would suggest you go privately. You will see a consultant within a week and you just need your GP to refer you. I can recommend the priory hospital Roehampton if you are still in London.

This weekend stay of the booze if you can. Exercise and the like is probably the last thing you feel like doing but try and walk to a coffee shop for breakfast tomorrow. Gets you out of the house and also a bit of fresh air.

Just remember that only the strong people can talk about this so you are over the first hurdle already!![list]

Look through my posting history since last June for my civil service/anxiety/depression stories. Yours is on a whole other scale, but I wonder whether my marriage will be the same when I get back to normal.

Well done for going to the GP and posting on here. Admitting there is a problem is the first step. Do what the doc tells you. The meds can take time to kick, make things worse at first, and have side effects. If the first ones don’t suit you, your GP can try you on something else. Use the local mental health services. Use the work one – HMRC have Workplace Wellness who have got me six 1-2-1 counselling sessions, but also offer support for relationship problems and breakdowns for you.

It’s a cliche but exercise and fresh air help. Get out for a walk, run or ride every day. It gives you a goal every day to aim at.

Keep talking to people, on here or real life. If you want to email me to talk off here, my email is in my profile.

It will be hard, but you will come through this. It will be OK.

Thanks all. STW really is impressive with its breadth of experience.

@vickypea Its really encouraging to hear that you came out the other side, gives me some real comfort that it will get better…at some point

@Nicko74 Good advice, I appreciate it. I get what you’re saying about trying to fix the underlying health issue as well although I am not massively sold on the idea of letting my marriage slide down the tubes while I fix myself.

@Monde This whole mental health treatment thing is new to me. I wasn’t aware that Clinical Psychologists are available for the likes of me. I have an appointment with the GP again on Monday so I may push her for a referral. The tip about the breakfast is a good one as well. I will try and work up to that. Thanks,

@MoreCashThanDash I will log on to the work laptop tomorrow and see what “free” help work can give. I think my place offer 6 1-2-1 sessions as well.

You are not alone OP. Others here will give you great advice and do it better than I can. All I will say is hang in there, it does get better.

She may well feel the same, you need councelling and to chat to someone both of you

You are certainly not alone. Having peaked over the precipice of despair on the odd occasion and also seen colleagues and friends who I thought had more strength than Thor crumble into emotional messes, I have learnt one thing. We are all a bit Fecked up. It’s the normal human state. So don’t beat yourself up for your hormones and instincts giving you a roller coaster ride, that’s normal and will pass.
Is your wife wanting reconciliation or is she being polite/kind because she knows you are a bit fragile at the moment? if the latter then the sooner you accept this the quicker (IMHO) you will get out the other side of this emotional turmoil. My view is to convince the “logic” side of your brain that the feelings will pass. Don’t fight it, but do think how it feels. That’s how I deal with challenging feelings from time to time.

I will log on to the work laptop tomorrow and see what “free” help work can give.

Personally I’d give that a miss, the temptation will be to just take a peak at what is going on elsewhere. Letting it alone was one of my hardest lessons.

It will get better though you may have some really bad days between now and then. “This too will pass” is a good motto to cling to in those situations.

I went through a similar thing (in some ways) just about two years ago now..

I’ve always suffered with depression and anxiety so I knew what was coming but it still hit me hard..
My marriage break-up was similar, the shock, the to-ing and fro-ing, the little bit of hope, the despair over the kids and the nagging feeling that even though I should probably shoulder a lot of the blame for what was happening, it was now out of my control and that felt very unjust..

I started taking anti-depressants immediately, and then went back to the GP and upped the dose and then I tried really hard to just get through each day, for the sake of the children..

I went into auto-pilot and just made sure that each day I took care of myself, took care of housework and most importantly, I forced myself to exercise..

Whenever I was brooding, I did some push-ups, crunches and pull-ups.. just a few some days.. Some days I was pathetic but I did it anyway..
Little rides into town, to the shops until eventually I realised that I was setting myself goals..
I did all sorts of stuff simply to please myself and tried to put was happening to one side (as much as possible) and tried to stay calm and a little bit detached and make the best of what I had left..

It was a strange time but I know from experience with depression that exercise is key to managing traumatic experiences, and that I had a duty to the kids to try to manage myself..

good luck

If it’s any help, we are all very happy now, although we have chosen to end the marriage

Not much to add except sending good thoughts your way, op

All the best OP on your difficult journey!
I found that sometimes a good book might help.
I can recommend this one from my similar experience.

Grim times
Get help, it’s out there (samaritans)
Get out on your bike and ride.

As a railwayman, death by train has a serious impact on the driver (unless your the Selhurst Terminator) and can be one horrifically painful way to go.

I went through it a few years ago, got over losing the house I’d worked all my life to get, never got over losing the family. Then I lost my job. Hey ho, I’m still going.

Hope you can pull through this fella.

Atters, I’m not great with words on a forum but I’m in London (Bromley, work in Canary Wharf), most weekends I head to Peaslake, always happy to lend an ear here, there or wherever. 🙂

Thinking about you, happy to lend an ear also!

Good luck atters.

Thanks all for you comments, it’s been very helpful. Last night I slept uninterrupted for the first time in weeks. I don’t know whether it’s some kind of relief in being a bit more clearer about the divorce, the medication finally starting to kick in or whether I am just so exhausted that my body shut down.

@drslow I appreciate the sentiment, I really do. However trying to MTFU and bulldoze my way through has led to me being where I am now. It hasn’t worked for me so I need to try something different.

I spoke with the wife again last night and she said that its over. She has nothing left to give and feels empty and scared of being hurt again. My anxiety is simply too much for her to deal with on top of everything else as it is manifesting through me seeking constant reassurance that we’re ok in a way that appears to her be untrusting and controlling. She says she still loves me though which is leaving me massively confused and hurt.

Personally, I am of the opinion that depression, anxiety and many (if not all) mental conditions have their root in the gut. More specifically an unhealthy, damaged or diseased gut.

So, if you want to consider another option then have a read of ‘Gut and Psychology Syndrome’ by Natasha Campbell-McBride and maybe try following what she suggests. It certainly changed my life. Although, my problems were not quite the same as yours, eventually you reach that point where you’ll give anything a try if you think it will make things better.

Self awareness is also very important – you must take care of the gut and the mind – so maybe try some mindfulness. I would recommend a book called ‘Happiness and how it Happens by The Happy Buddha (sounds a bit airy-fairy la-dee-da hippyish but it’s excellent) as a key that opens the door into the world of mindfulness.

I would regard these two books and the events they precipitated as the most important things to happen in my life.

Interesting (re above post)…I’m the opposite viewpoint… I believe (and I have some experience working with individual with negative mental health)..that the majority of instances are a result of external influences… coping mechanisms/resilience does vary between individuals and appears internal , however, these resilience factors are often also linked to life experiences…

However, I don’t want to say (previous poster) that it didn’t work for you ..the gut scenario…just that its not a common situation..

Hope you get better O.P.

Time to start living your life. It’s over with her, it’s not over with you or your children or your life.

Find someone who will stick by you, but don’t forget to listen to them.

If you decided the career was more important then stick to it. If you felt your family was more important then you would have prioritised that.

Now think of your future and sort yourself out. Learn from mistakes and make a new start.

Sorry if I sound harsh. Sending a hug but also a slap to say live your life positively.

Thanks all for you comments, it’s been very helpful. Last night I slept uninterrupted for the first time in weeks. I don’t know whether it’s some kind of relief in being a bit more clearer about the divorce, the medication finally starting to kick in or whether I am just so exhausted that my body shut down.

Possibly because a load of strangers to you bothered to respond and offered non judgemental advice for free, you enptied your head of al those thoughts, people shared their experiences and you found out youre not alone.

Result a deep restful sleep and you feel a lot better, today is the start of your recovery and the rest of you and your wifes new life.

OP I’ve been through the ringer over the last couple of years. Similar circumstances to you. Signed my divorce papers last week.

I won’t go into too much detail here but my email is in my profile and seriously, feel free to drop me an email about anything

Atters absolutely total respect for posting this up mate, it must have been a tough thing to do and I hope all these excellent replies give you some genuine help.

I’ve not much to add other than when I’ve struggled with anxiety it has been gut related as someone has already mentioned. If when you go for a dump its all over very quickly, poorly digested and poorly formed then it may be a factor. I spent a lot of effort on my digestion, it took a long time but I’m loads better now.

Regarding the whole situation you find yourself in, it’s easy for me to say mate but when you’re going through hell it feels like you’ll be in hell forever. But you do come out the other end. And this whole episode will make you stronger.

One of my favourite quotes is Winston Churchill. “If you find yourself going through hell, keep going”

I suspect one day in the not too distant future you’ll look back at this and realise you’ve come out the other end.

Post up about some local rides and get out in the fresh air, it’s a great leveller and stress buster. If you’ve any reason to be around Leeds drop me a line I’d gladly show you around our local trails.

And the best thing you can possibly be with your marriage if it really is over is a great father. That’s the best chance you’ve got of making your wife wonder if she’s making a mistake. Treat your kids right and they’ll always want to be with you.

Good luck my friend I hope you find some good times soon.

OP, like to echo the ‘well done for posting comments’ on here. It’s pretty brave to write all that down when it’s all so confusing and painful. And I’m really sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Have been through a pretty bad time myself recently. Bit different to yours but similar in some ways too.
It does definitely get better. The support you get on here really helps too. Even more than that you get from friends in many ways for me at least.
I found it really helpful to spend time with animals too. When people cause you pain (not blaming anyone as it’s never as simple as that) spending time with animals rather than people really helps. The neighbour’s cat has had lots more strokes recently and my sister’s dog has never been so fit for all the walks she’s had 🙂
Anyway, best of luck to you and I hope you get to enjoy life a bit more really soon.