Dealing with a breakup.

Well I got a text from her last night and we talked for a good bit. I told her how some things, as she did, and she will talk again to me tonight.

Hope you don’t mind me contributing to this thread. It is a bad time of year to go through a breakup and my 2013 has been overshadowed by a breakup from my girlfriend of 7 years. Met her at university and she was my first long term girlfriend. We both work together and in April 2013 she left me for someone at work. I’m currently on a development programme at work and still don’t know where my head is.

Obviously there were issues in our relationship and we both have regrets but it is what it is. We own a house together I’m currently living with my parents which isn’t ideal, neither is working at the same place.

It has made me question everything and I’ve probably been massively depressed since, however due to the support of friends and family I’m getting by.

I don’t want to hijack the thread but until you go through something like this, its probably not possible to understand. I spent the first month throwing up and lost about 2 stone.

It does get easier. I try to keep myself busy but its still a massive part of my life at the moment. It will get easier but it will probably take some time. Just talk to people who you can trust and will listen.

Thanks for the post, all welcome.

Strangely I have lost 8lb’s since Christmas. And I’m 6 2″ now weighing 12st 1lb. I thinking worrying and stress is a great way to loose weight 😉

It must be hard working in the same place and seeing her then?

Oh yeah it is not good, but I’ve been feeling sorry for myself for too long.

The hardest part is imagining your life without that person in it. I forgot what it was like to focus on things other than a relationship. But just keep posting and talking and whatever happens, it will eventually work its way out. Grieving just takes time and its probably still shock at the moment.

Hi all,

So it’s pretty much been 2 weeks now. I’m still feeling very low although the initial shock has died off. Late on Friday night I got a message from her to say that her uncle had taken his own life. She just wanted to talk to me to help her. I really wish I could be there for her and her family and knowing that I’m not is making me feel worse.

I did manage to get out on my bike over the weekend, but even on the climbs I can’t get her out of my head.

just because you’re not with her doesn’t mean you can’t offer other members of her family support if you have a friendship with them that is outside of being her boyfriend?

In terms of you offering her support. I think it’s difficult being at her ‘beck and call’ as soon as she’s feeling low – it gives you hope that there’s a relationship there and stops you moving on – because it’ll always be on her terms.

Well I was very close to her parents. I sent her mother a text offering my condolences and I’ll send a card of course.

It’s just so bloody hard.

Nobody said it would be easy. As said above you need to be careful being at her beck and call. To be fair it’s a rather difficult situation you’re in. Just be mindful not to let your needs get overshadowed by hers. As shit a situation as it is, these are not a good set of circumstances to pin your hopes on. Sorry.

No, I wasn’t pining hopes on it at all. I was just saying that she came to me to talk and about a really rubbish situation and in doing so makes me think about her even more. It’s delaying the healing process.

I have my next CBT session on Thursday.

I get what you mean, was in a similar situation with my split. You want to be supportive for her and her family. Don’t know how close you were with her parents etc but the good and human thing to do is to be there to support.

This is all well and good when you have the strength to do so. I’m with @toppers3933, you can only support others when you have the strength to do so. Sometimes you have to just look after yourself, this is not selfish, its self preservation. How can you be there for people when you’re barely able to keep yourself going, it takes so much energy.

To me it’s a little unfair of your ex to split with you and then rely on you for emotional support, its all part of the package IMO. This is another way that your ex is still in your life at a time that its very difficult for you.

My advice (though you didn’t ask for it….) would be offer your condolances in whatever way you feel appropriate and step back and get on with fixing yourself.

Do not feel bad about looking after Number 1, do not beat yourself up you can’t do more. It’s not your fault you feel this way. Be patient and kind to yourself things will come together.

Thanks madjak.

Yea, I know that I need to be looking after myself, and to some degree I am. But all of this still means I am connected to her.

Anyway, someone in the thread mentioned that they liked to maybe just go and sit in a cafe, just to be with people. I did it last night and actually it was nice to just sit and be, and do some people watching. Granted it didn’t always help that it was happy looking couples, but it was certainly better than sitting in the house. Also gave me a chance to try out my new headphones I bought myself.

You can’t be looking out for her emotional needs by damaging yourself.
It sounds harsh but you NEED to pull away from her in order to heal yourself.
I split from my fiancee 5rs ago, we’d been together 9yrs and planning marriage. I came very close (to the point of standing in the garage with a rope in my hand) to topping myself but managed to pull through.
One way was to delete her numbers, block her on social media and withdraw from those who were close to her. I needed time and space to heal myself, you do too.

You must create the space or you will destroy yourself and become a very unattractive person who in turn people won’t want to support. Send condolences but don’t go beyond that or it will suck you in. I wouldn’t go to funeral etc as it will be compounding everything. Grim situation and air of subconscious tension/hope between you. Sorry but keep distance or things won’t improve for you as a person.

I have done all the basics already, Facebook, texts/emails etc. I am moving on, my feelings are constantly changing and I’m starting to get used to being on my own. I have had great support from many directions including here.

I didn’t offer to go to the funeral, however I did send a card and sent a text to her mum offering my condolences. I was close to her family. I was not close to any of her friends, so there is no worry about that end of it.

Good start. Keep that distance. Riding this week?

Yea, hoping to get a night ride in tomorrow night. I’m away to London this coming weekend to see Arsenal play too. Got a core class tonight and then football training on Thursday.

this coming weekend to see Arsenal play too.

Aren’t you supposed to be dealing with the depression, not making it worse ?

Haha, yes I’ve had to up the meds for a few days 😉

Really struggling today. Don’t want to be in work, don’t really want to be anywhere at the minute. Had an okay time in London over the weekend, but just wasn’t really comfortable with being there.

8pm start tonight on the gold coast if you fancy it.

Women are attracted to someone who is happy with his lot.

Here are two more (cynical) sayings for you.

Women are like monkeys, they wont let go of one branch until they have hold of another

Once a womans head has been turned, only a spade will turn it back.

Women are like monkeys, they wont let go of one branch until they have hold of another

So, you’re suggesting someone else is involved?

No- I’ve seen this line somewhere else. From a couple of girls I know- it was true in their case.

Well things have taken a turn for the worse. I had to go to the doctors yesterday and I have been signed off work for a week. I keep getting horrible thoughts and feelings and I found out that she is heading off on a skiing holiday at the beginning of next month. It rips me up inside thinking that she could meet someone else at some point and be with another man. I have almost had a few panic attacks but managed to just about cope. The doctor has told me to make use of my time when I’m off so I am shortly heading out for a walk and taking the camera with me.

she is heading off on a skiing holiday at the beginning of next month

It does sound like your relationship is over and you need to try and accept it.

Doctors advice to get out and *do* stuff is good – you need to break the cycle of thought that you are in.

I won;t say ‘chin up’ because it sounds trite but you should start looking forward rather than back, maybe?

Be the big man. Be grateful she’s gone and hope for all the best for her – positive thinking. Positive thinking. If you ever loved her, why wouldn’t you want her to be as happy as possible. Positive thinking.

Women are like monkeys, they wont let go of one branch until they have hold of another

Once a womans head has been turned, only a spade will turn it back.

Do shut up Hora. I know you think you’re trying to help but wtaf?!

I do genuinely hope she is happy and has a great holiday. She loved skiing and spent over a year in Whistler and has skied around Europe. We had planned to do it together at some point.

It really is so hard trying to be positive.

Do shut up Hora

In this case a good point.

St Colin, I can’t offer any better advice than already given. I can tell you that in time you won’t care what your ex is doing or who she may be doing it with. You really won’t think about her at all. Avoid contact, keep going out, spend as much time as you can with good people and this painful time will pass – honestly it will.

Take care chap.

Jay

Watch The Inbetweeners movie.

Take cues from there 🙂

Please, St Colin – organise something for yourself that you can look forward to.

In my experience of depression you need to have something positive to look forward to. Even if it’s something small, but on a weekly basis, like going for a curry with your mates, riding your bike at a trail centre you’ve never ridden before, sorting a riding holiday etc. It’s easy for me to look in from outside, but my experience of negative thoughts are that they only breed more negative thoughts. Do something for yourself.

I know and accept its not easy breaking up and not easy having depression, double whammy really but you wont get better with any amount of rumination or naval gazing.

I can’t go into why in at the moment but just trust me the human body is designed to be used (in my case quite hard, you’ll know your level) so get out an use it. Burn off the Adrenaline and Cortisone surging through your system.

Exercise is key so go and do something, can’t ride? Cant go out? Then pushups and dips on the stairs. No excuses, just crack on with it.

And for your own sake stop yourself thinking about her by planning your time as already mentioned, when your brain moves back on to the subject mentally tweak yourself.

Oh and look up Mindfulness on the interweb, it will help.

Take care,

You have 2 normal issues – you can’t cope with the split and your imagination is running wild.

You have to go through the mental pain, but accept it and work around it so you dont let it dominate you like it is. Imagination works both ways – if she thinks you are having a great time, she will be thinking the same and may come back. Cut out the I miss you bit and instead tell her of the great stuff you have going on, would she like to join in.

You have a week off work – this could be best or worst. Sit at home moping or use the time to make yourself get out and things that you wont feel like doing but will bring up your endorphins, make you feel hopeful about life and happier about things generally

Either way, if you get out there you will either get here back or be in a much better place to find someone else.

Had a horrible night last night, been up from 4am worried sick. Just can’t get the scenario of her being with someone else out of my head, to the point were I couldn’t eat breakfast.

I did however make it out on the bike and installed my new Mudhugger.

Sorry for updating this randomly, but the replies help.

I feel your pain. My girlfriend broke up with me 2 days before Christmas and I’m still struggling now.

You’ve got to believe that things will get better and time will heal a broken heart. Get yourself out in the world, do things with friends (make the effort) and try to have fun. If posting on here helps then do it but don’t over think things, you were happy before and you WILL be happy again.

Sorry to hear that ranger.

Sounds like you are staying positive. At least I have lots of this to look forward to now….

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P1000127edit[/url] by colinsphotos26[/url], on Flickr

When I split up with my long term girlfriend, which also involved moving out of our shared house I was a mess. All of the advice already given seems good, I planned a holiday for myself, and each week I bought something small that I would take with me.

When I got bad and my imagination ran wild, I would repeat to myself the names of all those people who I know loved and cared about me. It sounds really cheesy, but it seemed to help calm me down and realise that just because one person didn’t love me, other people who were really important to me still did.

I didn’t meet anyone serious for about two years after we split up, but looking back, I am glad the way that time forced me to actually start enjoying things for myself, and not always thinking about the other person.

Feel free to ignore

Perfectly valid point Phil. Everybody has chipped in with their thoughts, yours is just as important.

Oh Dear Colin.

Was in a similar – ish situation to you a few years ago.

I think Madjak has it – get involved and get DOING stuff. Activity is the key – work activity into everything you do – you have to eat, so enrich your life by learning some kick arse recipes. Riding bikes? yup – that’s grand, but do it WITH people. Widen your horizons, learn something new. it’s weird, but having not played football since school, I started a regular 5 a side thing, and being around some other folk really helped.

Biking is great, but I found during my, erm, darker days, that I rode lots, and despite getting fitter, also ended up still lonely.

Finally, I’d say chat to a friend, over a beer, in person. STW is a lovely place, with some great folk, but it’s not a substitute for real chat with real people. Again, when I was down, the thing that started me getting happy again was going out and actually talking to my friends.

You will feel better in time, it’s all anecdotal, but 3 years on from a breakup of my own doing, I’m getting married to my beautiful girl and have a baby on the way (2 weeks to go). And that was after royally screwing up, of my own volition. You’ll be alright 😉

I had a tough time a few years back after a breakup. It was made worse by the resultant loneliness. As soon as I made new friends by joining a darts team, I quickly got out of it.