Dealing with a breakup.

Hi all,

Well, it hasn’t been a great start to 2014 for me. As some of you may know from the depression thread, my girlfriend left me over the holidays. I’m in bits. I have briefly spoken to some friends, however I just don’t know what to do.

The background to the breakup is that she has been feeling platonic about the relationship for the last couple of months. We had lived together for 2 years in rented property and moved out and into our respective parents at the end of November. Since then we tried to just date each other in the hope that things would improve and unfortunately they haven’t.

All the feelings and emotions that I struggle with due to my depression are just amplified, especially the feeling of being unwanted, unattractive and not loved.

As much as people say time will heal and it gets easier, I can’t see an end to how I’m feeling right now. I’m sorry for posting this, I just wanted to get it out of my system on here in the hope that it might help.

Col

It’s bound be tough and there isn’t going to be a quick fix.
Enjoy your life for what you’ve got now. Get out on your bike a lot, enjoy riding every day. I doubt you’ll worry or feel upset if you’re pushing the pedals.
Try to get out and meet new people, join a gym, socialise.

Learn to grieve. It’s a process that will help you in countless situations throughout your life, and also enable you to reflect on past experiences and resolve them too. It’s a long journey, so make sure you’re wearing decent boots.

I’d also recommend finding a creative outlet, like writing or drawing, to help you balance the negative, and to focus and reflect your feelings.

Change your routine, even if its temporary- try a different hobby or interest- just for a laugh.

Recently I tried horse riding (mental!) whereas normally I’d like to go bike riding or karting. The aim isn’t to give you a new hobby, its just to give you something different to think about/changing your routine.

Living at home with the rents = save as much dosh as possible, buy a plane ticket and have an adventure, meeting new people (women) and generally having a top time in a new place.

New doors will open, things that seem painful now will become distant memories and you will have a new outlook on life (possibly)

But a backpack and get some research done, will get you motivated and provide a goal.

I appreciate things never seem that easy, but life is too short to wallow in a situation like this when freedom is now upon you.

I’m going through the same thing but with a few very significant added complications, so you have my fullest sympathy..
It’s not my first distressing break up, and past experience is helping me to cope very well all things considered.. In the past I felt that the pain would never end, but the world surprised me in time by showing me happiness and delight that I previously couldn’t have imagined..

I’ll echo all the other advice here and will be keeping a close eye on this thread to get some tips myself!

I’ve found in the past that it helps to focus on things that you are now free to do, the pain is acute but work through it whilst you wait for it to fade as it undoubtably will.. Find distractions, perhaps even indulge yourself in activity that you know your ex would frown upon.. It sounds a bit childish but it’s good to care for your inner child at these times..
Be good to yourself

I only really ride my bike. I do love photography which has taken a back seat over the last while, perhaps I should immerse myself in that for a while.

I hate being on my own at the best of times, I don’t have much respect or love for myself, so I’m really struggling with that part of it. Just being me on my own.

it helps to focus on things that you are now free to do

Definitely this. If I dwell on what I’ve lost I go downhill fast.
Thinking about the new stuff I can enjoy now I’m on my own is far more positive.
If you have no resposibilities like kids, mortgage, etc, then you have a lot of positives going forward.

[edit] Try not to be on your own – use this place to find riding/photography buddies. It works!

I’d love to join up with some of you, but unfortunately I live in Belfast. I know there are a few on here though.

St Colin. Firstly you are obviously a good guy – being made a saint before you die is unusual so you must be ace 😉

Seriously though, it does take a bit of time, time to grieve for the relationship and time to grieve for the plans you gave for life – which may be slightly delayed.

You might want as some suggest to try new activities – it gets you out and about at the very least and takes up time – time you might spend moping on your own is best spent doing something.

You will honestly be fine – it takes getting used to your new situation, but you will be okay in a reasonably short time if you don’t wallow too long or too deeply (a little bit of wallowing is allowed though!)

Take care,

J

I do love photography which has taken a back seat over the last while…

Photography took over from writing for me. It can be an excellent place for catharsis.

I hate being on my own at the best of times, I don’t have much respect or love for myself, so I’m really struggling with that part of it. Just being me on my own.

How can you expect somebody else to love and respect you when you do not allow yourself to?

I know that I need to work on that. Perhaps this is now an opportunity to do that.

All the feelings and emotions that I struggle with due to my depression are just amplified, especially the feeling of being unwanted, unattractive and not loved.

Yet if that were true, she wouldn’t have gone out with you in the first place.

Some relationships come and go, sometimes there’s blame on one side or the other, sometimes they just weren’t sustainable. I’ve split up with partners and thought “well, that’s me on ready meals for one and frantic masturbation until the day I die now.” It’s patently not true. There are many fine ladies in the world, and some of them aren’t psychotic hose beasts with it.

Take some time, try not to fret too much about being on your own; learn to enjoy your own company and others will too. Ride your bike, watch some horror movies, find a trollop to [nope! – mods], take a cheap holiday, take some photos, carpe diem (kill the fish).

Well it’s been almost a week now and it’s just as tough, as expected. If anything at least I have managed one good nights sleep. Bike light on charge so I will try and get out on the bike tonight. Changed my hub bearings yesterday and spent most of the time just staring at my tools.

I have been in contact with her through text. We both miss each other.

I have been in contact with her through text. We both miss each other.

Why not contact relate or similar and see if they can help…

Sorry to be harsh does she miss you as a friend or lover ? Do you miss her as a friend or a lover ?

If she’s missing you as a friend then you really need to break ties cos when/if she finds someone new its going to really hurt you…

You’ll be fine…

You need to allow yourself some time to grieve… the end of a relationship is just like any other loss.
However, as others have said – keep busy, try to catch up with friends you’ve not seen for a while, get out on the bike, etc.

It will get better, but you can’t force it.

I’m pretty sure we both miss each other in different ways. I need to stop thinking that it is just a break from us that she wants and that it will work out in the end.

Expectation is the root of all Heartache – William Shakespeare

May I suggest a bike/living space overhaul? I know its rather glum and rather stereotypical of something to say on this forum but re organising my living space and a full strip and regrease of the bike always really cleanses my soul 🙂 why is it that you dont feel attractive/love yourself?

Make time with your friends! They’ll be great support through it and take the time to appreciate that their there for you at this difficult time!

I’m pretty sure we both miss each other in different ways. I need to stop thinking that it is just a break from us that she wants and that it will work out in the end.

It maybe an idea to actually find out in what way she misses you ? If its as a friend well you know the answer, that cant work at the moment maybe when you have both moved on and are happy with each others situations.

Im sure you know all this but you gotta be strong…it will work out in the end for you…and the old saying plenty more fish in the sea is true…but you have to let the old fish swim away…

Good luck and be happy

I’ll probably get flamed for this but I geniunely found that heavy drinking and casual affairs helped a lot. Not for everybody obviously.

You’ll be fine. It’ll seem like the worst thing in the world now but it’ll be easier as each day passes. Been there a few times. My advice:

– Stay off the heavy frequent drinking / self destruction stuff… it doesn’t help.

– Don’t have any contact, it just makes it miles worse and you’re just putting off what you’ll have to deal with until later.

– Meet up with your mates… this is exactly what they’re there for.

– Do new things. Travel, sport… knitting, whatever is going on… that’s for you.

– Try internet dating when you feel up to it… it’ll help no end with the feeling rubbish.

hora – Member
Recently I tried horse riding (mental!)

This image just popped into my head while reading that… 😆

Watch out for a donkey in the classifieds.

She has told me that she misses my company. If the relationship is platonic, then it’s missing the physical side of it. We had been spending good time together, went through Christmas as normal and for that I took her away for 2 days between then and new years. We even brought the bikes with us and we had a great time.

No two stories are ever the same, but don’t be needy, be there if she wants to talk but let her get on and get on yourself.

I rode a similar train several years ago, keeping in contact and always holding out hope. After about 15 months I decided to move on, found a new girl and was feeling happy and confident in myself.

Next thing…

Yup, the ex suddenly wanted to know, suddenly realised that if she didn’t do anything I would be gone forever. So she seduced me, the temptress that she was.

So here I am, 14 years later (almost to the day), we are married and have two great kids.

So the moral is – love yourself and get on with *your* life…

I’ve heard quite a few stories of couples breaking up and ending up stronger together. Can I deal with holding on to that hope? Not sure. But I will get on with my own life.

I think she’s being a bit mean and unkind to you, telling you it’s platonic then keeping in touch with these sort of messages. I really think you’d be better off without being in touch in the next few weeks (and months). As you know yourself you need some new things in your life combined with solidity of friends and family. I can fully understand the concern about going down the medicine route but a visit to the doctor isn’t a “prison sentence” you can get information and you can decide to avoid medication. Good luck and stay in touch with STW

st colin – Member

I’ve heard quite a few stories of couples breaking up and ending up stronger together. Can I deal with holding on to that hope?

Don’t worry about what other couples have done/may do, that was their relationship and it worked for them, this was yours…

By telling you she misses you as a friend is STOPPING you moving on…you want more but hey you gotta move on….I don’t know your age etc but life is way to short and what seems like the worst thing now isn’t…this is one of lifes lessons…

I’m 31.

st colin – 8pm group ride in Bangor tonight if you are at a loose end. I would agree with your idea of getting on with what you enjoy.

Thanks for the offer sv. The Meta is currently out of action as I’m sorting new wheel bearings for it. Hoping to get out on the rigid instead.

I totally understand the not liking being on your own. I also totally understand not liking yourself. Been there. Am still there to a certain degree. But, and I’m sorry to say it, she’s not coming back. As hard as it sounds you need to stop texting her. It’ll cause you more heart ache in the long run. You can’t keep hanging on to it.
I really want to say it’ll be fine. I really do. I am a hopeless romantic. I may also be wrong but you need to start believing I’m right. The alternative will only lead to more pain and anguish.
My advice would be to talk to someone. Anyone. (Email in profile) The more people the better. I would recommend cognitive behavioural therapy. It has helped me no end. Especially this time last year when I was stuck in a particularly dark patch.
The advice above about finding something out if the ordinary to do is also good advice IME. It ties in quite well with cbt. It’s all about breaking habits and cycles.
I hope you understand what I’m trying to say? Even if you don’t like it I’m just trying to help you find a more positive frame of mind. But I know it’s not easy and the hard work is up to you. Like I say, email is in profile if you want a chat or to just call me a prick. 🙂

Thanks toppers.

I’m currently going through CBT. This was mainly to deal with my anxieties and worries/ruminating. I think that’s about to change.

st colin – its a more ‘winterised’ route that doesnt involve the tower or mines and I will be riding a rigid singlespeed…

My issue is that the rigid has Conti fighters on it, semi slicks.

luckily never been in that situation, so not best qualified for advice, but ill still give my thoughts anyway 🙂

theres nowt more attractive than someone who’s confident in who they are and what they want out of life. reading that you dont love yourself is a big problem. who are you? whats your goal in life? you dont have to be good looking to be attractive. btw, why dont you love/like yourself? whats the problem?

its also going to be better to break contact. hanging on and being needy isnt good. for either of you. a confident “sorry, i love you and would like to stay in contact, but i dont think its doing either of us any favours, so id like to just stop the contact and concentrate on getting on with my life now” will maybe make her think a bit. but mean it, no drunken phone calls late at night. let her sit wondering what youre doing rather than the other way round.

get out and do something. if you dont like yourself cos of body image for instance, lose/gain weight, join a gym, buy some new clothes…

you got good friends? use them. obviously not use them just cos you broke up, but use them, if you see what i mean 🙂

Sadexpunk, he talk sense.

He does.

I can’t list 3 things I like about myself, easily. I’d need to think for a while. I hate how I look, and hearing that the relationship had gone platonic made me feel even worse about myself. Pretty much all the things I hate about myself are physical. The others are a sense of being a failure, having not made a career for myself and failed at college too many times. That’s it in a nutshell. As you can imagine, there’s so much more to it.

I’m 6 2″ and if anything, underweight for my height. I would like to be fitter as I am looking to race the Irish enduro series this year.

I was a serial monogamist and went from relationship to relationship. I had a really bad split and realised I didn’t know who I was. It took me a long tome to learn who I was and like who I was as well as throwing myself into my career. Grieving over the relationship is natural so don’t rush into a new one. Stay off anything that you may feel will help you, alcohol, drugs. Occupy your time, work, gym, ride.

its also going to be better to break contact. hanging on and being needy isnt good. for either of you

Agree with this – you need to look forward and keeping in constant contact will keep you looking back thinking “what if?”..

think thats the crux of it, you hate how you look. that will come across to others, who wont find that attractive.

the college stuff, failing at careers etc are small asides that wouldnt matter as much if you looked in the mirror each day and liked what was facing you. they can be rectified. think about it, theres a difference between a confident, ‘attractive’ bloke telling his mates how sh*t hes done at college and everyone laughing at it, and a miserable so and so moaning on to people about how sh*t life is and how its treating him. not saying thats you by the way, just trying to put things in a bit of perspective.

if we can get you confident and smiling, it wont even matter to you (much) about your current loss, as youre facing the world and everyone out there with a smile and youll find therell be no shortage of opportunities.

i like to think that out of everything bad, something good will come. its worked so far for me. miserable during and after my first marriage failed, but…. i wouldnt have met my present wife if that hadnt happened.
jobs. ive been so p*ssed off with jobs ive jacked them in for something else. which has turned out to be better, and if i hadnt done that i wouldnt have met x or y, etc. some of my best mates have been made through working with them in jobs that i wouldnt have taken if i hadnt had something ‘bad’ happen to me in the previous place.

hard to believe right now i know, but…… something better will happen because of this. whether thats meeting someone new, or getting back with your ex who now has a new found respect (and possibly lust 🙂 for you.
or dealing with the things youre not happy with in appearance. “look at me, i look great now, i wouldnt have done that if i hadnt broke up with x”

rambling on a bit, hope its of some help 🙂