Crap Joke Friday

just got fired from the keyboard factory. They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in.

And I was fired by the clock factory. Said I wasn’t putting enough hours in. And then I was fired by the calendar factory because I took a day off.

I was at a stag do last weekend. A scantily clad woman came out, took her clothes off, turned them inside out and put them back on again. Turns out she was a Mobius stripper.

Taught my dog to play the trumpet during a trip on the London Underground. Went from Barking to Tooting in under an hour.

My nephew’s four year old lad can’t speak Spanish,I mean that’s poor for four.

Sometimes I like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

Did you hear about the Spanish illusionist?

Uno, dos, disappeared without a tres

Last night I saw a dominant, flying mammal covered in letters; I think it was an alpha bat.

Sometimes I like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

I had a ham and pineapple baguette for lunch.  That’s Hawaii roll.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Deja.

Deja who?

Knock knock….

What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave?

Camembert.

So this joke was the best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe

Comedian Mark Simmons was voted the winner with his gag: “I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.”

but I think it’s earns its place here

I saw a capsized boat today. It was tiny.

Never leave sulphuric acid in a metal beaker. That’s an oxidant waiting to happen.