Crap Joke Friday

@cougar

Was the mathematician who lost his  cousin….

the cleaner that kicked the bucket?

I dreamt I was being chased by a cheese last night.
I think I was Hallouminating

What’s an Australian kiss?

Same as a French kiss but down under

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

As told to the assembled packed auditorium of the Cheltenham kids literature festival about 10 years ago by my 8 year old. Proud parent moment that one.

So, there’s two blokes lost in the desert. Suddenly up ahead they spot what looks like a marketplace.

They stagger up to the first stall. “Have you got any water?” they ask desperately.

“Sorry guys,” the shopkeeper replies. “All I have is these fingers of sponge cake.”

They hit the next stall. “Water?” Nope, all the vendor has is multiple flavours of jelly.

The third, “sorry guys, I can do you a good deal on some custard?”

They practically collapse into the next stand. “Water?” they plead. “Nope, but we have some excellent whipped creams for your enjoyment.”

On hands and knees now, they crawl past the last stall offering various sprinkles, Hundreds & Thousands and the like. They don’t even stop to ask.

As they leave the first guy says to the second, “that was weird, was that a mirage?”

The second replies, “well… it was a trifle bazaar.”

There was this fight in the jungle between a big lion and a hyena, anyway the lion eventually won leaving the hyena badly wounded on the ground being consoled by his fellow hyenas

When he asked why did they not jump in and help him they replied you were laughing so much we thought you were winning

Bono and The Edge walk in to a bar. The bartender says “oh know, not you two again”

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.

I left in the end, as I’d had enough. It was just one ting after another. 

Bono and The Edge walk in to a bar. The bartender says “oh know, not you two again”

The other day I picked up a copy of Bonopoly.

It’s like Monopoly, only the streets have no names.

I’ve been invited to a combined Chinese New Year and Burns Night party.

I didn’t want to go but they twisted my arm

I guess the activity tracker on my smartwatch needs recalibrated.

Every time I go for a w**k, it alerts the local epilepsy unit.

What goes 100mph on a washing line?

Honda under pants!

What do you call a pickle you buy at a good price …

A sweet dill 

I have a broken Bluetooth bulb. I just repaired it.

I bought some new trainers from A Drug Dealer

Don’t know what he’s laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

What do people with two right feet wear?

Flip flips.

What do you call a french man who likes sandals? Filip Flop

I found out the other day, the first documented example of “charity” is Ancient Egypt. It’s where we get the word from.

Money intended for their leaders was instead set aside for the poor. They were the first not-for-prophet organisation.

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.

It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

Not a joke but actually true:

I was just reading an advert for a security job working on the railways. One of the listed prerequisites was a proven track record.

Someone somewhere is having a right old giggle about that.

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.

Getting older is tough, my wife now calls me Tim Henman as i never get more than a semi

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.

It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

I really liked that

I’ve just had the sinking realisation that I don’t know many Motown puns. Four tops.

I’ve shortened the rope on the bucket they use to collect water in the local village..
That didn’t go down well.

What’s the difference between a magpie and a penguin?

You can’t fit a magpie in a biscuit tin

Which Japanese food is always looking down?
Shusi

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: I’ll be Bach

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band

I would just stand at the back and ting.

Someone asked me how much I know about atoms. Very little.

Whetevdo you take someone if they are hurt playing Hide and Seek?

The ICU

I met a Mobius Strip one evening, sitting alone, sobbing inconsolably

“whats wrong?” I asked

“where do I even begin?”

I overdid it at the Chinese last night. I asked about the specials and they gave me too much fu yoong

Just burnt my Hawaiian pizza. Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

just got fired from the keyboard factory. They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in.

What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!

I had a Polish friend who was a  roadie. And a Czech one too.

Stolen from Popbitch

How many perverts does it take to fit a light bulb?

One, though a full A&E department will be required to remove it.

Someone asked me how much I know about atoms. Very little.

And don’t ask an atom, they make up everything

Someone asked me how much I know about atoms. Very little.

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No son.”