Crap Joke Friday

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh

What’s the difference between herpes and true love?

Herpes is forever.

Anyone else signed up for Dry January? A month is a long time without foreplay.

I’ve spent my whole life looking for a cure for insomnia……and I won’t rest till I’ve found it.

Teenage daughter of out on a first date to the pictures so mum tucked a packet of pan drops into her pocket and have a good time

Next morning mum says how was the film? It was good and guess what Bobby my date had his hands everywhere and still couldn’t find the pan drops

Did you hear about the man who evaporated?
He’ll be mist.

WTF is a pan drop?

WTF is a pan drop?

A mint.It’s Scottish, dunno why it’s called a pan drop, maybe it’s deep fried 🤣

Blimey, how much imagination do you need to be lacking to call a sweet a ‘pan drop’? Eeugh!

A boy walks into a pet shop and asks ‘Excuse me mister, do you have any manx cats?’.

Pet shop owner replies ‘no but I can make you one’.

We always brush out teeth as a family, 9/10 dentists say that brushing alone won’t prevent decay

Never mind pan drops. I don’t understand the joke they’re connected to.

Pan drop sounds like the Chef equivalent of a Mic Drop or the polar opposite of a pin drop.

It’s so bloody loud in here you couldn’t hear a pan drop

Shit name for a sweet.

(Works better spoken.)

A nurse is giving a male patient a check over. Afterwards she says to him ‘I’ve been in nursing for 30 years but I’ve never seen anyone with a penis shaped like a saxophone before.’

He says ‘It’s unusual but all the family have genitals shaped like musical instruments’

Nurse says ‘ Hang on, that reminds me – I saw a woman with a vagina like a mouth organ last week.’

‘That’ll be our Monica…’

A bit near the knuckle, but while we’re on the subject…

What sweets can’t you buy in Lockerbie?

Pan Drops!

I’ll get my coat, sorry,

APF

I hope my wife buys me a globe for Christmas.

It would mean the world to me.

Dentists are going on strike on Tuesday.Brace yourselves.

I bought my wife a new fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I was in the pub on Tuesday when a dung beetle came up to me and asked ‘is this stool taken?’

Why did the mechanic sleep under a car?
He had to get up oily in the morning.

An octopus slid into a bar.

Interviewer:

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?

Me:

“I’d say my biggest weakness was listening.”

What did the cheddar say to the spectre?
I’m lac-ghost intolerant

Was thinking about this the other day, came upon this realisation.

When you go to the bathroom, you’re British. When you leave the bathroom, you’re British.
But… when you’re in the bathroom, European.

Sometimes when going for a wee I’ll announce that I’m going for a Belgium, because it’s a small Euro-nation.

Sorry and I apologise mean the same thing. Except at a funeral…

A guy walks into Halfords and asks, “do you have a wing mirror for a Kia”. Halfords staff member replies, after thinking about it. “Yes, that sounds like a fair swap”.

Knock Knock……

Who’s there…

Europe..

Europe Who…

no you’re a poo….

I went for an acupuncture session the other day. When I got home, my voodoo doll was dead.

A guy walks into Halfords and asks, “do you have a wing mirror for a Kia”. Halfords staff member replies, after thinking about it. “Yes, that sounds like a fair swap”.

I genuinely adlibbed this gag once. I was at my mechanic’s, a young lad rocked up, “hey Pete, I just got a set of alloys for my Mini,” before I could stop myself my mouth had gone “that sounds like a fair trade.” Pete creased double, the lad went purple, I went and hid.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus asks for a table for 26.   

 

The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”  

 

Jesus says, “Yeah, but we all want to sit on the same side.”

The local convent was hosting a darts competition as a fundraiser.

The first player steps up. Bang, double top.

Next dart, bang, tops again.

Third arrow, it hits the wire, pings off and hits the Mother Superior square between the eyes, killing her instantly.

The commentator declares, “one nun dead and eighty!!”

I had to go to hospital yesterday but there was a bloke there who was great. Best person we met the whole day.

He was an ultra sound guy.

Ah, but do you know who the coolest person in the hospital is when it’s the ultra sound guy’s day off?

The hip replacement guy.

What did the nurse say when she noticed a rectal thermometer in her top pocket?

“Some arsehole’s got my pen!!”

That reminds me of the constipated Maths teacher, who worked things out with a pencil.

What do you get if you cross human DNA with whale DNA?

Banned from Sea World

Guy goes to the doctor surgery feeling a bit off, before we can do much the nurse says we need a urine , sperm and faecal sample to send off for analysis

Can I just leave my boxers was his reply

Another guy goes to the doctor with an Orange glow all over his penis, the doc thinking it could be his diet maybe lifestyle so asks what does he do and what does he eat? 

I eat Wotsits and watch porn all day long

I got “Bonopoly” last Christmas, it’s a very similar game to the original but the streets have no names…