Crap Joke Friday

They’ve just announced another suspect from the Operation Yewtree investigation. Morph has been outed as a playdohphile.

good news for insomniacs, only 3 more sleeps till Christmas

Then there was the dyslexic devil worshiper. He sold his soul to Santa.

I’ve posted this a few times already, but for those of you who are new 🙂

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

A ghost walked through a bar.

My obese pet parrot died the other day….. It was a weight of my shoulders.

Went to the zoo yesterday, saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper said it was bread in captivity.

Why do Astronomers put beef in their shower?……So they can have a meatier shower.

What has there never been a pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken always came in a different box.

An Aberdeen fan had a heart attack during a romantic moment with a sheep. He was a dyed in the wool supporter.

I hate that funerals are always held at 9am. I’m not a mourning person.

Why don’t boxers have sex before a fight?

They don’t like each other that much 

A man asks the librarian do you have any books on euthanasia , go away she said you folk never bring the books back

I took a shortcut through the churchyard on my way to the shops and saw a bloke crouched behind a gravestone.
“Morning!” I shouted cheerily
“No” he replied “ I’m having a shit.”

I went into the library and asked the librarian if they had any self-help books for paranoid schizophrenia
“They’re behind you” she whispered

I went to the library and got a book called “Dealing With Procrastination.” I haven’t read it yet.

A Tibetan monk say the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine,

“I can’t believe its not Buddha”…………..

Octopus Bandit drawing a flintlock pistol in each tentacle: Stand and Deliver!

Foppish Cat: Knave, thou art one short.

Did you hear about the cross eyed circumciser?

He got the sack.

Constipated maths teacher having no luck with over the counter medicine so ended up worked it out with a pencil

I started a club for men with erectile dysfunction, it was a bit of a flop and nobody came.

After 3 years married I changed calling my wife darling in the morning to Dyson, she’d started to whine and stopped sucking

How many dead bodies does it take to changew a lightbulb?

Well it’s not 6 cause my cellar is still dark!

Did you hear about the cross eyed circumciser?

He got the sack.

…

Constipated maths teacher having no luck with over the counter medicine so ended up worked it out with a pencil

Combining the two,

Did you hear about the cross-eyed match teacher? She couldn’t control her pupils.

Two Eskimos sitting in their kayak were getting chilly so they lit a fire in the bottom of the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak & heat it too.

Reminds me. 

What’s the difference between a wildebeest and a gnu. 

You can’t paddle a wildebeest 

We bought our dogs some glow-in-the-dark dog treats.

You should see their little faeces light up.

Someone just phoned, sneezed and hung up.
This is the fourth time this week and I’m really getting fed up with these cold-calls.

I’ve got piles and piles of ironing to do.I don’t know which is worse.

Why don’t fairies ever get pregnant?

Because they only go to goblin parties.

What’s the difference between a gnu and a bison?

You can’t wash your hands in a gnu.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like Granddad.

Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.

I’m an old sentimental bald man who still owns a comb.

I just can’t part with it..

Central London sperm bank is running short of supplies. They had three donors yesterday, two came on the bus and the other guy missed the tube.

I watched my first ever porn film last night

Can’t believe how young i looked

A poor taste one if I may…

I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen. All I said was ‘hurry up, some of us have homes to go to’

What’s worse than two girls running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

The storm blew 25% of my roof of last night

Oof

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A baboom

I have a Chinese osteopath.

He offers crick and correct. 

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

My uncle Ben just died. No more mister rice guy.

What’s black and white and invaded Italy?

Atilla the Nun.