Crap Joke Friday

It’s been a while since we’ve had one of these.

—

I’ve just got home from this year’s FibonacciCon. It was as big as the last two put together.

I’m really excited for the next autopsy club. It’s open Mike night!

I used to date a tennis player but she hated that I’d not learnt much about the game.

She’d come in and asked “What’s 40-0?” and I’d reply “Beans on toast.”

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me…

A non gender specific human walked into a bar

A perfectionist walked into a bar.

Clearly the bar hadn’t been set high enough

My wife said she’s leaving me because I’m obsessed with cricket. I have to say it’s hit for six.

My wife told me that she wants us to split up due to my obsession with detective movies.

I said ‘Good idea, we’ll cover more ground that way.’

A friend showed me his plan to open an erasable pen factory, but I can’t see it working.

New erectile dysfuncton drug based on penicillin sold at Boots the Chemist, no need for prescription just ask for macoxaloppin

Do electric car owners listen to AC-DC while driving or do they prefer something more current?

Teacher says to the class, “the word of the day is contagious, can anyone use it in a sentence”

Mary’s hand shoots up “yes miss, my granny recently got Covid, which is a contagious disease”

That’s brilliant Mary, what about you Johnny?

”err yes miss, our next door neighbour is painting the fence with a one inch brush, and my Da says it’s going to take the contagious”

Just been on the weight watchers website, it’s asking do I accept cookies, crafty barstewards.

Harrods have had to stop selling Russian advent calendars. Every time a window was opened another oligarch fell out.

Me and my girlfriend went to stay at her dads house but he wouldn’t let us sleep together. Shame as I really fancy him.

What do you call two birds stuck together? Velcrows.

Did you hear about the christmas cake on display in the British Museum? It was Stollen.

My wife’s leaving me because of my obsession with quoting Monkee’s song lyrics

At first I thought she was kidding…..

‘and then i saw her face’

(best delivered verbally TBH)

How do you know if your flatmate’s a bass player.

Because they’re constantly forgetting the key and keep coming in late.

I split up with my cross eyed girlfriend because she was seeing someone else .

Earlier this year I started a business producing bonsai trees. It’s going so well that I’m going to have to find smaller premises.

Oh, and those Russian Dolls – they’re just so full of themselves.

I knew a bassist who got so down  with his band mates telling him how bad his timing was, he went and threw himself behind a bus. 

A bad limbo dancer walked into a bar ….

A man visited a pub. As he reached the bar a bowl of peanuts spoke and said: “You’re looking fine today sir, and may I say that’s a marvellous suit”. 

The man didn’t know how to react, so he wandered over to the fruit machine. As he was approaching the machine sneered: “Get out of here! I’m not having a git like you playing me. Go on, piss off!”

The man returned to the bar and asked the barman what was going on: “I’ve never heard anything like this in a pub. What exactly is going on?”“Don’t worry about it, they’re like that with everyone” the barman replied, “the peanuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order”. 

CCTV Installer – Which route do your ducts take

Me – They fly South in winter.

Why are Native American chiefs buried on the top of hills? Because they’re dead.

How do Mexican’s keep warm?

they use chicken fajitas!!

(Confess I nicked that from here on a previous joke thread -but it’s my fave joke now!!)

I told my girlfriend I was building a model of Mount Everest.

She asked, “is it to scale?”

I replied, “no, it’s to look at.”

How do you know if there’s a drummer at the door?

Knocks 3 times and comes in late.

A non gender specific human walked into a bar

?

A squirrel walks into a corner shop.
“I’d like a bag of…. peanuts please.” says the squirrel.
“Why the small pause?” says the shop assistant.
“Cos I’m a frickin’ squirrel!”

A man walks into a bar.

clang!

It was a metal bar.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He used to lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog…

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Did you hear about the non-binary gold prospector?

They made a fortune in them/their hills.

My grief counsellor died the other day.

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

(Thanks to Gary Delaney)

A man walks into a bar.

Ouch (or yummy), it was a Lion Bar.

Where did little Jimmy go after getting lost in a minefield?

Everywhere.

I went to the hospital today to have a mole removed from my penis.

The RSPCA let me off with a caution.

A man walks into a pub.

clang!

It was a metal pub.