Armchair shrinks: Help me break “reward” and “deserve” thinking re riding

I had an accident on my road bike a couple of years ago – just one of those silly, slip in the wet things. Bones were broken, huge inconvenience was caused and costs were incurred.

I am fully healed now – no long term harm done. Other than, I have a developed a really weird psychology of telling myself “I don’t deserve” to ride my bike because such a clusterf**k of chaos ensued from the last one.

This is now spreading to other exercise types – and I could quite easily spend every hour working. Ironically, I work for a global megacorp and recognise the futility of my work. The megacorp would give me no loyalty, but I took its money for months when I was on sick leave knitting bones back together.

I now hate the job and want to be active and fit and healthy again (as a pre-cursor to being in good mental shape to find a new job again).

I did force myself out at the weekend and loved it. Now I need to build on that by quieting the narrative in my head.

Does this make sense to make anyone? Any great snippets of advice, please?

Sadly – because reasons – I probably can’t afford private psych or counselling help.

I doubt when you’re old and frail and no longer as fit and active as you are now that you’ll look back and be grateful that you spent your best years in the office rather the outside on your bike.

I need to break the reward of beers after a ride.

Yeah, it does make sense. I feel for you. I’m no shrink, but my partner is… maybe she’ll have some advice. I’ll email her your post (can’t guarantee a response, she’s very busy, but I can try) 🙂

If you work for a mega-corp do they have an of that kind of assistance as part of your employment package?

If not, I’m a big believer in developing habit. So pick 2 days of the week and a specific time in each and just go out and ride. Tell people that’s your plan and do it for 4 weeks.

The reason this works for me is that it’s a set amount of riding at a set time (2 hours, from 5pm Wednesday for example) so you know exactly what you’re doing and when you’re doing it, so you remove the indecision of “should I go, maybe I’ll go later, maybe I’ll do it tomorrow”. If you worry about work, it also works for them as thy have a set time you’re not available. If you plan a route in advance then even better as it’s another thing not to think about.

After 4 weeks a habit it’ll begin to feel normal and just something you do.

start with some safe but rewarding riding, light xc/gravel perhaps, away from busy roads..take yourself on a route somewhere in the sun, somewhere to end up in the country side, have snack, drink, before coming home.

repeat the “safe” rides which offer some sort of nice reward at the end, views, peace, a cafe, whatever takes your fancy.

Build on distance and your perception of what might be safe.

But ingrain it in your head, Saturday morning i am riding to such and such.. don’t deviate from it, no matter the conditions

I did force myself out at the weekend and loved it.

What finally forced you out? I’m not going to pretend that I know anything that will help, but if you managed it, found the experience positive, what’s in the way of doing that again?

Where do you live? A lot of places have free mental health providers linked to the NHS that you don’t need a referral for – for example, Health in Mind in south east Scotland who run drop ins in places like libraries that then set up referrals to counsellors, mental health nurses and so on.

Mental health portals

Sounds like one for CBT type stuff to me.

Try telling yourself out loud ” I enjoy riding my bike, its good for me” on a daily basis.  Weird tho it seems this sort of thing can reset your thinking completely.  It feels weird to do it but I can testify it works.

I used this after Mrs TJ died by saying to myself ” I am proud of what i did” and now when I get those flashbacks to her final weeks I feel pride and it diminished the trauma

Its certainly worth a try.  took around 2 or 3 months of saying this daily out loud for it to reset my thinking

Having a word with Gee Atherton should see you right!

Seriously though, maybe a few sessions with a phycologist sympathetic to sports would help.

I flipped off my road bike and had a bad back for years and was heavily dosed with pain killers (and that was not good either). Bad back has gone and now I love the sense of freedom on the bike, the rush of fresh air and when I’m feeling disinclined, the knowledge of how good you feel post-ride. Reverse the thinking!

I am not a shrink.

Have you thought about entering an event so you have a target to build up towards. I find it much easier to motivate myself when working towards a deadline, and an upcoming bike race or event is a good reason to get out riding.

Armchair shrinks

I thought that, but it was just me getting fatter 😉

Based on my own experience, not the same but also involving negative thoughts and lack of will power to get out & exercise, be healthy etc, the main thing is: just do it! It’s hard to start but feels so much better once you do. As you’ve already realised:

I did force myself out at the weekend and loved it.

Do it again. And again. On quiet roads as mentioned above, or off road. It may not be everything you need, but it’ll certainly help, and get you out.

While it’s hard to gauge exactly from one post, what you are describing sounds unmistakably to me the psychological after-effects of a traumatic injury. You associate riding with the pain of injury and the guilt you feel for the disruption your fall caused to yours, and other people’s lives. You need to forgive yourself first and foremost.

You presumably had years of riding and one nasty crash. It is unlikely that it would happen again, but the benefits of riding will be almost instantaneous.

You can constantly remind yourself of the plus side for both you and others of your riding – in terms of better health, better mental health and how this relates to your interactions with other people and colleagues.

As TJ says, saying out loud ‘riding my bike makes me happier and a better person’, and making a promise to yourself to ride on a particular day, even if only for an hour, may help shut up your negative internal narrative.

I broke my right hand & wrist pretty badly and ended up thick end of 3 months in plaster. Never have gone back to downhill type riding since. Risk/reward balance was off for me as a result.

Ended up taking up running doing couch to 5km, then learning to swim, then training for and doing an Ironman…

So – try taking up a new sport / activity for fitness, running? SUPing? Swimming? Fitness will follow

If you work for a mega-corp do they have an of that kind of assistance as part of your employment package?

Almost certainly, OP have a look on your work intranet for EAP (employee assistance programme IIRC) and give them a bell about counselling.

EAP is the generic trade name BTW, there are various providers.

Join a club?

I find it far easier to get out riding (and get less resentment at home) if I’ve got a reason to be out beyond just riding solo.  I’m a really bad introvert but even I would rather be chasing in a group and it gives me a deadline to be out the house at 8am on a Sunday, or out the office by 5 on a Thursday.  Otherwise I’ll hit snooze or end up working late.

There’s also a bit of instant positive feedback when you get a bit fitter and start keeping up comfortable or riding on the front, whereas fitness gains riding solo are generally within the margin for error even after a few months.

It’s also a regular micro-target.  Having a big event in 6 months is great, But it’s the “I want to be doing better in the Sunday group” that get’s me out riding mid-week, planning my rides with some consideration of structure and recovery, eating better, etc.

Broke my arm three times in two years so I know where you’re coming from!

I bought a set of Vel 50 RL carbon wheels in November ’22, but after my covid turned into long covid, they are still yet to be fully setup and used for the first time.

I’m still a long way from the speeds where they will be of aero benefit that I had in early-mid ’22, but now I’m just waiting for a prolonged dry spell, to hear my first set of wheels making a “whoosh” sound.

You got any shouty, obnoxious good mates you can ask and rely on to drag you out?

“I’ve got to ride, insult me until i leave the house.”

Been suggested you may have PTSD[/url] from the accident. Guilt/shame can be symptoms and these can show up long after the event. Your GP is a good person to talk to.

5 steps to mental wellbeing

Perhaps it’s a self-preservation trick your brain is playing on you… Subconscious mind is still traumatised by the accident and wants to prevent another one by removing the desire to go cycling?

Brains play other weird tricks on us to stop us hurting ourselves, eg fear of heights, so who knows what they’re playing at.

Maybe focus on what you hope to get from a ride- fresh air, exercise, the pleasure of whizzing along on two wheels through beautiful scenery, and the free opiates in the endorphins. Try convince your subconscious it’s worth it?

Some good insight so far. I would second the suggestion of riding with other people but joining a club can be a leap.

It might be worth trying audax rides. These typically cost less then £10, are very releaxed and start from 100km (there are a very few 50km events).

If you turn up and let people know it’s your first time you will be welcomed and most people are happy to chat.

I started doing them to train for the Etape du Tour in about 2006. Haven’t done a sportive for years but normally do at least one audax a month and have made some good friends doing them.

Some great suggestions here. Thank you.

Attack plan:

1. Talk to myself a la TJ
2. Find out about the EAP at work
3. Figure out what self forgiveness looks like/feels like
4. Suck it up, buttercup
5. Find and commit to an event.

I love STW for the source of knowledge. Thanks all. A lot of good to work with and explore.