Any single Dads?

Hi there,

I have a beautiful 6 month old daughter who I love and care about dearly.

Me and her mother have split up when she was 4 months old, I left the house that we both owned as she has other kids – I am paying half of the mortgage as it is still my house, but it was not feasible for me to live there any more as the atmosphere was unbearable. I have got a really nice rented house and I would like to have my daughter overnight to get her into a routine but my ex says she can’t stay overnight until she is 1, When I have my daughter she is soo happy and obviously does not mind being with me, I have everything my daughter needs ay my house, the house is safe, clean & comfortable and she has toys here – is she being unreasonable? My parents & friends think she is? – I don’t know what to think? What is the best way forward in this – any ideas appreciated.

yes women are unreasonable when it comes to the links with their children. i often think its because their afraid that you can have a better relationship with your children than them. from my own experience i did not leave the house. i had every right to be there with my children. she moved out and we found out later it was to new boy friends place. they are now married. enough said. children stayed with me.

i maybe bias but you both have the right to access to your children neither partner can obstruct a reasonable request. whats being one got to do with anything?

You are the father so you have rights. Perhaps seek legal advice, particularly with regard to the property.

Don’t be taken advantage of.

Good luck. 🙂

2nd CG’s comment, dont roll over and play dead. but do it legally.

As above get legal advice.There is no reason that she cannot stay at your new place

Thank you everyone. I had my daughter yesterday for 5 hours and she is an absolute pleasure – I love her dearly, when I took her back to the ex I could of cried. I know Im not the only one going through this but it just pains me that she is in the house that i worked by arse off to get. She has 3 other kids to a previous though and I have had legal advice and she can buy me out. Only thing is with the recession Im gonna take a big hit on my equity – do I just take it? or hold out for more?

I have been a “single” dad for around four years now. I say “single”, I am in a long term relationship but we don’t live together. I am in the lucky position of having gained full custody of my daughter as my ex turned into a complete alcoholic and was unable to look after herself never mind a child. The best bit of advise I can give is if you are sure it’s over with your ex and she is being arsey over access then go to a solicitor. Keep on the good side of the ex but get legal advice and get everything done legally and set out in black and white.

I have two friends who are in a similar situation to yourself and both have handled it different ways. One friend has let his ex dictate every single move of their children and the end result is he can’t even take them on holiday. He doesn’t have them over night, the bloke is a door mat and his relationship with the kids has suffered.
On the other hand friend number two went straight to the courts and got access set out in black and white. He has them two nights in the week and three out of every four weekends. His relationship with them is spot on.

Get it sorted sooner rather than later. And as for waiting for your daughter to be one, what a load of shite.! IMHO.

This is too important to rely on us for advice mate! I sought legal advice a.s.a.p. but I would say ask around to find a solicitor who understands this kind of case. Try and stay on good terms with the ex because believe me it’s easier that way in the long run. They do hold all the aces but you’ve still got rights so fight for them.

Dont get me started!!!!! Ive been there done that you have more rigjts than you will ever know, take her to court and you’ll get access. Ive done it and the judge even gave her a bollocking!!! for wasting his time.

yeah I have just text my ex asking her the reason why I cant have my daughter overnight, she just replied “She’s not coming over night don’t ask again”

grrrrrrr Im gonna lose it soon, but I know that I have to keep my cool!

keep your cool, go to law 😉 also revenge is a desert best served cold. dont mention anything about what your doing. just do it 1st thing tomorrow. ok revenge is the wrong word but in all these cases its best left to the 3rd parties to sort out.

assuming you are named on the birth certificate then you have parentla rights that cannot be removed without a court order. Ask her nicely and offer mediation if this is refused offer it via a solicitor then start leagl action. You generally get one weekend + 1 day per week as a general rule.
Convicted sex offenders still get to see their kids [ under supervision] so unless you have done something stupendously severe you will get overnight access so she will be voewed as wasting a judges time if she contests this.
EDIT: save the text and keep making reasonable requests she does not have the right to decide this on her own but she unfortunately she may need to be reminded of this. My ex tried this but if they are willing to grant access what difference can overnight make you are either safe or not
Been there and done it it gets better and you will get there be strong and dont get angry it wont help you in the long run.
See a solicitor re mortgage as well as i dont hink you need to pay it and harsh as it sounds you may hav eleeverage here. Courts view access and finances as seperate issues BTW so they dont affect each other.

Solicitor’s tomorrow Steve.

No “I’ll do it later”, do it now (well tomorrow) even if it is just a first phone call to book an appointment, get it done.

I know someone who is getting the very shitty end of the stick from a bunny boiler who cheated on him. He’s lost his house, van, job, the lot, can’t see his kids because of an injunction which she happily breaks by spying on him and following his every move (he shoved the lad she cheated with out of the way and got done for it)

You need legal advice ASAP!! I work with child contact cases all the time, fathers for justice have done and do some good work! You have every right to have your daughter over night if you have parental responsibility by being on birth cetificate or married.

I agree with a comment above, unless there’s any violence involved, I think some women worry their ex may have a better relationship with the child and panic, but it’s not fair or right legally and morally!

I’m going to speak to the Court tomorrow and ask them for a Contact Order form C79.

Its not easy bud, took me nearly 5 years to get joint custody but both the kids and I are really happy now, advice much the same as above, but I was given 3 bits when things went tits up.

1. Do what you think is best for YOU and your DAUGHTER

2. Keep a note or a diary of ALL contact with your ex no matter how small.

3. Get a good Solicitor

things will get stressful and you will have your ups and downs, but stick in there its worth it 🙂

Speak to a solicitor first Steve.

You do not want to go about this the wrong way, it may cock things up bigtime if you go about it the wrong way

Agree with the three points above, especially 1,2 and 3.

It is in your families best interests to try and keep a amicable relationship going between you and your ex. I think you need to try and stay calm. Maybe let it slide for a week and either get some legal advice, see CAB or consult government info or the web to see what rights you are entitled to. Don’t necessarily insist on all of them, show that you can compromise if she will. This will then put you in a good position to try and have a reasonable discussion with her. If that’s possible 😉 You know her after all…

I would imagine most people would get defensive if you start pushing the legal angle so soon into the separation. Despite the fact that you’ve separated, you have a joint responsibility to look after your daughter. This will be much easier if you can cooperate. I sense that you understand this, hopefully you could help her to agree.

This could all be rubbish advice, as I’ve not been the parent in your situation. I have been the child though. I want to reassure you that you can still have a great relationship with your daughter, and I wish you luck. Hopefully your ex will become easier to deal with when the dust has settled…

I`m a single dad.Thankfully I have reasonably good relationship with the mother of my 3 kids,and I get them alterante weekends for 3 nights and one night mid week too.

Because of this I get to enjoy a brillaint realtionship with mine.All of my arrangements have beeen negotiated with my ex.
I was lucky not having to get solicotors involved.

I got some very good advice off the wikivorce website.

show that you can compromise if she will.

dont do do this they are trying ot set the bar so low that any access is good. It is selfish and , despite what she claims, it is what she wants to happen not what is int he best interest if the child or what you are legally entitled to. As is said try being reasonable [but via affirmative conscilatory acts] but know your rights she cannot ignore them.

Thanks everybody, me head is done in. The problem is my ex says I can have her overnight when she is 1, it could take longer than that to get a contact order – so is it worth all the stress/upset. And I agree it is best to keep on the good side of my ex. I am going to let things calm down for a bit.

sorry dont agree. your daughter has the rest of her life and what guarantees do you have that access will be granted at 1? I think the advice has been pretty consistent. this will go one of two ways. either get legal help and advice and access or become a doormat. you choose.

she could say that now and not at 1 then a routine is establishe dthat you have not contested. Please she wont let you se eyour daughter overnight nor discuss it with you. Why exactly are you trusting her. Have you got that in writing? It may take longe rto geta court order but she amy also realise she has little chance of stopping this and via mediation – or court process or concilliatory office- her fears and unreasonableness may be changed. It is unlikely that accepting this will work.
YOu need something in writing if that is what you propose to do. Dont give up.
Is she breat feeding?

I think the advice has been pretty consistent. this will go one of two ways. either get legal help and advice and access or become a doormat. you choose.

Well, apart from me and JGG of course, who don’t appear to fit with that.

Junkyard, I’m not saying that he has to give on this particular point. Just that if possible it is better to have reciprocal compromising going on if that makes things easier for both parents. I’d have thought that a bit of flexibility would be better.

I feel sorry for those people on this thread who’ve had to fight tooth and nail for their rightful access, truly I do. I’m trying to show the OP that if it’s possible he wants to keep things amicable. None of us knows his ex, she might see sense. I can certainly see why she might not want to leave a 6 month old child with someone she’s had a tough time with recently. Of COURSE she’s wrong, because he’s her father. But I believe she needs to understand that (and that she can’t use the child as a weapon) rather than simply told to grant access by a judge.

Having said all that, SBrock you really do need to stand up for yourself. Get educated and make your ex understand that she does not get to dictate to you about access, there has to be reasonable discussion and agreement. You can’t just stick your head in the sand, your daughter needs you to be strong for her. Legal advice is just that – an informed option. It doesn’t mean you have to get a court order or that things have to get stressy.

I’d have thought that a bit of flexibility would be better.

In what sense she wont let him see his daughter and a court is highly unlikely to order this. What do you want him to be flexible about in that respect? Start of slowly perhaps take time to build it up to what is fair but I dont see how you can be flexible when someone refuses you overnight stays.
All the methods I have mentioned involve talking and trying to understand her feelings and over come this. Tread sensitively but I dont understand what you mean by compromise? She does not want him to have the daughter overnight he wants to. How exactly do you compromise?
I would not wait to claim access as the court may ask you why you waited and wshe may even claim a routine has been established.
Get advice but start taking official steps or get something in writing from her and note your objections.

It’s all very mumsnet in here.!

Seriously, be calm and do it right the first time. Measure twice and cut once.

RP why is it her decision to make? He’s the father he has the right to see his daughter and spend time with her. She wont even discuss it. How can you obtain agreement when one side fails to mediate? You both think a woman has sole ownership and discretion of a child’s up bringing. I have been there. It wasnt until a solicitor got involved that my x was able to get around to agreeing anything. She saws things in a different light then. Took 10 minutes to sort everything out over a coffee at a motorway service station. But why did it take recourse to the law? No idea. But I think she had a brief from her lawyer and she saw that I had rights and I wasnt going to let them go. Stand up for yourself.

i would suggest mediation before solicitors, as they may make the relationship between you and your ex even more sour.
i have been through the court process with the father of my eldest child and in hindsight, it would have been much more amicable without the solicitors involvement.

Junkyard he can see his daughter, just not overnight. What I’m advocating is that he gets educated as to what his rights are and then sits down with her and explains that what he wants he is entitled to. As are you! In fact, the mediation angle is probably the best bit of advice here. As I explained for you in my last post, I’m not necessarily talking about this overnight issue. What I’m saying is that it’s better to end up with:

“can’t have her this weekend? Fair enough, you can have her next weekend if…”

than

“can’t have her this weekend? Tough…”

That for me is compromise. She won’t compromise at the moment because she has no idea what rights he has. When she understands that he has rights, perhaps she might see sense. And the compromise could be that he doesn’t have her overnight for another 3 months but then gets better access than he’s entitled to by law. Everyone wins?

You both think a woman has sole ownership and discretion of a child’s up bringing.

Nope. My experience of this scenario is where both my parents looked after me and took shared decisions in my upbringing. They just weren’t together at the time 😉 If you can juxtapose your experiences into the OP’s life and claim your actions to be correct, then so can I…

he can see his daughter, just not overnight

the real issue is that she cannot legally do this and a court would not uphold this position. Being reasonable with someone who is being unreasonable may not work as it has not so far.
The rest is sound advice especially mediation but I would back this up via a solicitors letter personally after discussing it with her first. Basically be the reaonable parent asking for something reasonable and record everything.

Seems fair JY. Although I’d say that the real issue is not this point. It’s that they have to manage a lifetime relationship with their daughter together. He needs to tell her that it would be easier and cheaper without a courts involvement. Or rather, an impartial third party does…

my ex partner is NOT breastfeeding

yeah I have just text my ex asking her the reason why I cant have my daughter overnight, she just replied “She’s not coming over night don’t ask again”

Not been in the situation, although I’ve various friends who have – and a calm approach with a certain amount of flexibility on both sides seems to give the best results. That doesn’t include unreasonable comments like the above, though – and always bear in mind that, apart from breastfeeding, there is no real difference in ability between a man and a woman when it comes to bringing up kids.

I quite agree (tho have no background to say much) that you should be allowed access overnight only thing that came to my mind:
if she’s nursing still at 6months then over nights could cause problems with feeding schedules. BUT at 6 months your daughter could be having cow’s milk now so it needn’t be a problem, and your ex could express while you have the child so that you have milk -1st week it might not be able to work, but second week it certainly could/would.
If the nursing is not the trouble/hold up then I’m not sure where the trouble should be… and so agree mediation and compromise and then solicitors would be the way to go.

just saw you said she’s not BF- defo shouldn’t be a problem really then

If you really want to ‘focus’ your exs mind about this, try asking her again, if she says ‘no’ then causally say ‘oh, and by the way, this mortgage I’m paying to keep you and your other children safe and dry at night, well I can’t afford it anymore’.

Don’t be blackmailed into thinking you have to pay for half the mortgage just for the privilege of seeing your little one.

Single parent here and been through some of the hassles. It’s not as clear cut as ‘legal’ or ‘doormat’ but it is fair to say that allowing a precedent to be set can work against you in court at a later date in that Judges’ have been known to leave the status quo based on it working, with the father often getting much reduced time. There was an interview on radio 5 a while back with the head Family Judge who suggested their obligation is to put the child first and that limited contact with one parent (the father he initially said) was acceptable if the child was ok with their mother. They could have a relationship when the child was older. I’m all for the child coming first but being a Dad is just fantastic so I struggle with him giving the first 15+ years little/no value in the decision process but that’s another thread for another day!

Firstly read. Alot. Find out your rights and have a chat with a good pro both parents Solicitor. You also need to bear in mind child benefit is the key re the CSA and tax credits too so make sure you’re aware of the ‘power’ that provides.

Think hard about what days/time with your child you can/want to do regularly and for the long term. Be honest about it – unreliable part time Dads can be just as bad as overly controlling Mums.

Seek to negotiate. Courts/Solicitors would point you at mediation first anyway. Keep copies of all communications/times of contact/etc. Don’t be afraid to explain your rights and refer to Solicitor. Some women expect to be the main carer whilst some Dad’s expect not to be. What roles do the two of you want?

Trying not to argue is great but sometimes you’re just putting off the inevitable. Compromise is best but if not then you need to be direct but not confrontational, and use legal support as/if necessary. Much better for all if you can agree roles/contact times/money etc asap so that you all know where you are. This can save lots of hassles/disagreements/threats down the line for you all.

Does the court system still favour the woman? I’d say yes, sometimes with good reason BUT it’s definitely getting better with more joint custody awards.

Good luck. Don’t give up or become aggresive through frustration as it won’t help. Speaking firmly but considerately, remembering your ex is your child’s mother and has a view too, will.