“Normal rules apply this morning. Last off the train buys bacon butties and coffee for the driver and guard from Greggs. Unless you got on at Alderley Edge in which case it’s Starbucks”.

I like it when the announcements go off message. Have heard of this one more than once.

“Wakey wakey rise and shine you’ve reached the end of the district line”

Wasn’t there one a few months ago where the driver conducted an impromptu pop quiz over the tannoy?

A while back I had something along the lines of ‘please remember to take all belongings with you, including bags, laptops, small children and goats’. Made me smile 🙂

Had a panicked call from my wife last night however, stranded on the platform with my two daughters and her mum in Bath, having reserved seats on the 8.30 back to Southampton. Train cancelled and no replacement! Initially they were told there was nothing the staff could do 😯 and they were left on the platform thinking hotels, work tomorrow, WTF? Finally someone appeared and arranged a taxi for them back to Salisbury where they could catch another train the rest of the way. They got home about 11pm in the end!

I think they were possibly the only people on the train, probably why it was cancelled, but especially as they had pre-booked specific time/seats you would think a pre-planned contingency would be in place 🙄

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBBFS3IGu1U[/video]

“Gzood eveningz zladies and zgentlemen. Aaa’ll be you’re conduct on thisz journey…… annnd I’m gonna zsing you a zsong”

And then he sort of quietly, drunkenly, crooned over the tannoy from Birmingham to Leicester.

After a pilot really slammed the plane down teeth-clackingly hard on the runway on landing, the air steward came over the tannoy ‘Just in case you didn’t notice ladies and gentlemen – we’ve landed in Glasgow’

After a pilot really slammed the plane down teeth-clackingly hard on the runway on landing, the air steward came over the tannoy ‘In case you didn’t notice ladies and gentlemen – we just landed in Glasgow’

Easyjet? If so, I was on the same flight as you *shudders* or she’s had a few pilot issues

Friday evening BA flight from Dusseldorf to Manchester about 15 years ago, packed full of knackered and world weary people desperate to get home for the weekend.

Safety briefing included the line. “Face it, if this thing hits the sea at 600 mph we are all dead, but on the off chance that you do survive your life jacket has a little light and a whistle to attract the attention of any passing sailors”

Easyjet?

Totally 🙂

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07LFBydGjaM[/video]

This is quite funny.

maccruiskeen – Member

Easyjet?

Totally

Seemed to completely forget about the flare element of landing and drove the thing into the ground like a dart? In flying conditions that must’ve troubled them as they were too perfect?

Annoyingly I can’t remember for certain where I was flying from (either Amsterdam, Stansted or Gatwick)

I can’t really remember where from either, I wasn’t with the other half so probably Stanstead

From the pilot after a particularly ropey landing into Glasgow:

“Folks, I think you’ll agree with me that words can’t really excuse that landing. I’m going to go and cry in a dark room for a few hours, but on the bright side, I hear that Glasgow has a hospital specialising in back surgery.”

BA pilot on the runway at Oslo ‘You’ll have noticed we’re not very full tonight. Could you all move over to the right hand side to make it look like we’re busier to that SAS jet over there’

And after a heavy landing somewhere

“This is the Captain speaking. That was the co-pilot landing’

An old colleague of mine was on a lufthanser flight back in the late 80’s / early 90’s that was having to circle for ages because of problems with the runway light at heathrow. The pilot had already made a couple of announcements apologising for the delay. He came on again to say they would be further delayed and possibly may have to divert to another runway, adding that the whole situation was ridiculous as ‘german pilots didn’t any problems finding London in the dark in the 1940s’

I was once on a Flybe flight into London City, in pretty grim weather- they put the Ride of the Valkyries on the tannoy on the final approach just to soothe us.

The other time I did that particular trip, the captain came on teh tannoy and said “Just to put you at your ease, the bit that’s missing from the wing is not important. Makes you wonder why it was there in the first place, doesn’t it”. So we all looked out the window, saw there was a bit missing from the wing, and freaked out.

Nicky Wire made an announcement from stage at Glastonbury

“They should build a bypass through this shithole”

Made my weekend that did

Coming in to land in terrible winter weather in Genoa…

We break through the snow clouds/fog and the runway appears out of nowhere. We must have been way off target or something because the pilot suddenly pulls the nose back and the engines are screaming and we’re pushed back into our seats as he goes full thrust to start climbing again.

After levelling back off he says…

“Sorry folks, I’ll give it another shot now that I know where the runway is”

😆

Eminem and D12 at Reading festival in the early 2000s, in a massive crowd crush:

“If everybody pushes really really hard, y’all will get to where you want to go” 😆

😀

One of the drivers on the Waterloo and City line used to make the occasional gag, best one was advising any tourists to stand on the left side of the carriage for the best view of the London skyline

We had a dreadful flight back from Greece once (some charter airline, forget which), it was very late, all manner of weird and annoying delays including a passenger who hadn’t turned up so they had to unload the entire plane, get all the passengers off and everyone had to re-find their bags on the tarmac.

The only thing that saved it was the captain who kept everyone informed with a serious of hilarious and sarcastic comments and then slagged off British Airways on landing – we’d missed our landing and gate slots so had no option but to go to the BA terminal but they weren’t in any hurry to give up one of their gates.

Fortunately his deadpan take on everything kept everyone amused enough not be be angry.

Don’t get me started on flying with the now defunct (crashed all their planes) Okada Airways in Nigeria. I think the worst was when we got blocked on the tarmac by a fuel tanker with failed brakes and the pilot tried to steer past it, so the wingtip came up against the side of the tank and juddered along the paintwork with small puffs of paint coming off…. until one Nigerian ran along the aisle shouting “Dis is too dangerous! Stop it now!” and hammered on the cabin door. The pilot tried reverse thrust but the plance only lurched back a few feet before the angle of steering defeated him. So we all got out and waited and after afew minutes all the Okada ground staff walked across the tarmac, put their hands on the undercarriage and leading edges and bodily pushed the plane, a BAC 1-11, backwards. As we shot round the corner onto the runway, tyres screeching, the pilot announced: “Cabin crew, take your seats… let’s get the hell out of here!”

Reminds me of a trip to WSB at Monza circa 2003. Train from Bergamo to Monza, saturday morning, pretty empty and guard starts chatting to us and speaks great English, wishes us a good trip etc etc. On the way back Monday morning and the train is rammed, we’ve managed to find seats and there is a young student sat across from us reading an English language text book. The same guard appears down the crowded train wanting tickets. We hand over, but there is a problem. He has now lost the ability to speak English and begins a tirade in Italian for all the commuters to witness, holding aloft the tickets and waving and gesticulating furiously! The student opposite us slumped down behind the pages of her book so she couldn’t see us. He then promptly shows the tickets up and down the carriage before ceremoniously tearing them up and launching them back at us to stunned silence from the carriage (apart from the 3 brits unable to control the laughter). We exited pretty sharply from Bergamo station but it was pretty funny and brightened up our return journey.

Air Astana, one minute into every flight:

“ladies and gentlemen, our aircraft has taken off.”

You don’t say

On a transatlantic last year a guy comes over the tannoy, mid Atlantic, to read out (a very long) love poem and ask his girlfriend to marry him. He did sound very boring and I did wonder whether he waited until mid-Altantic to give her no options.

She said yes. No would have made the flight much more interesting!

My first flight to New York when I was 21 was on TWA, the landing was awful smashed really hard into the runway, a few oxygen masks fell down there was lots of screaming and shouting. Over the tannoy came the message “This is your vice captain and I would like to tell you I had nothing to do with that landing, it was awful wasn’t it? That seemed to calm most people. It was just about the first time I had flown, I thought all landings were like that 😆

BA flight:
“And once we hit the ground… Except we’re not going to hit the ground, we’ll glide down gracefully”

We were delayed on the tarmac in istanbul once for about an hour. There had been various announcements but then after about 45 minutes the pilot announced “Sorry for the delay folk, please direct any questions to the pillock in seat 27 who was so concerned that his wooden giraffe would be damaged in the overhead lockers that we missed our take off slot.”

“Sorry for the delay folk, please direct any questions to the pillock in seat 27 who was so concerned that his wooden giraffe would be damaged in the overhead lockers that we missed our take off slot.”

It’s a good story and I don’t doubt it, but why would a pilot incite a riot and endanger his aircraft? A few years back, the Captain of an Airtours charter from Geneva to Glasgow I was on, decided to do just that.

Due to heavy snows and avalanches our transfer from Val d’Isere to Geneva was extremely delayed, so much so that the check-in staff were surprised to see us. We had to forcibly excuse our way past the huge queues for security and at the gate, they had to check that the plane was still there. Getting on board, our group was met with repeated tannoy calls requesting us “latecomers” to find our seats, any seat with the threat that the take-off slot would be missed. Having found our seats with little fuss, a few minutes later a tannoy call stated that “due to the latecomers, we have missed our slot and been allocated a new one in 3 hours time”.

Cue an eruption of noise throughout the plane and a torrent of abuse in the direction of where our group was seated. A minute later, the pilot came on the tannoy saying that another flight had broken down, so were getting their slot and departing now. I doubt there was another plane, I believe the bell-end driving the plane, immediately realised their error, and requested an immediate departure slot fearing a riot onboard that they had incited.

Technically we were latecomers, but not of our own negligence. I would have been ok if I had missed the flight, but suspect airtours wanted to wait as late as possible, rather pay to transfer 8 passengers. One of our group did notice a couple who were also late, but not on our transfer. What happened to them, “oh, we were in the bar”! 😀

Long story, not particularly funny, sorry. Had some comics on the Central and Northern Lines and the announcer at Waverly Station in Edinburgh was legendary about his warnings to travellers not mistake the slow train to Glasgow for the Express Service.

Had a panicked call from my wife last night however, stranded on the platform with my two daughters and her mum in Bath, having reserved seats on the 8.30 back to Southampton. Train cancelled and no replacement! Initially they were told there was nothing the staff could do and they were left on the platform thinking hotels, work tomorrow, WTF? Finally someone appeared and arranged a taxi for them back to Salisbury where they could catch another train the rest of the way. They got home about 11pm in the end!

Why not just get the next train? There are 2 later ones. If you have advance tickets that’s what you do… 😕

There are plenty of lists of amusing announcements from planes doing the rounds on FB etc, many of them I’m sure are at best apocryphal or embellished, and I suspect many are utter bollocks. Nice notion though.

Coming into brize Norton on board a c17 a few years back 2 days before Christmas, and the weather was terrible, had one go at landing and we went round, the pilot comes on the tannoy saying we had terrible cross winds, he will give it ten minutes do a circuit and try again, if not he would divert to Birmingham, not what anyone wanted after being stuck in bastion terminal for 36 hours prior to the flight.
On approach the 2nd time, the pilot says the cross winds have got worse, but do your straps up tight and “sod it, I’m not going to bloody Birmingham”

After a 36 hour delay (fogged in at Madrid, then the crew timed out, then we got caught in the back log) we landed in Manchester. Stewardess announced “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Cardiff”… Then burst out laughing at the panic she had caused.

Flying from Glasgow to Amsterdam for a bike show years ago, just after takeoff the pilot announced that the cabin pressure had failed, so we were going to be flying to Edinburgh at 500ft. A few minutes later, the aircraft lurched hard left then right, and the pilot came over the speakers to say “Sorry, folks, I forgot there were some TV transmitters at Harthill.”

I’ve had. ” We do hope you enjoyed today’s flight and at least one of the landings”

Flying salt lake to pheonix there was a bang and a couple of minutes later “Sorry about that bang folks, we just lost an engine” followed swiftly by “it was the ancillary one that drives the aircon and non-essential circuit so your lunch will be cold but you’ll be warm”

United night turboprop take off years ago

“In accordance with regulations we will now dim the cabin lights to make the flight attendants look more attractive” 🙂

flying to Edinburgh at 500ft

I flew from Guernsey to Manchester once. There was some impressive turbulence such that we put down at East Midlands for them to clean up the lakes of barf (not mine, I hasten to add). We then flew onto Manchester and I was convicned we’d be scattering the paragliders we were so low as we hopped over Mam Tor.

Some time ago – “The next train on platform two is the 16:20 to London Paddington. Calling at Bath Spa, Swindon, Didcot Parkway, Reading and Sludge.”

Brief pause.

“That’s platform two for the 16:20 to London Paddington. Calling at Bath, Swindon, Didcot, Reading and Slough.” Whilst his colleague could be heard over the tannoy laughing so hard he could barely breathe.

Flybe captain from Edinburgh to Birmingham circa 2010…

“We’re experiencing some issues with the plane. We’re on the phone to the helpdesk and they’ve told us to turn it off and on again”.

Plane full of IT consultants have a wry smile.

Everything goes dark and quiet, then comes back on.

“We’ll be on our way now folks”.

Er…

On a train from Cardiff to Birmingham via Hereford. The conductor announces the train will be calling at (all the stations on the line) starting with a Welsh accent for Newport, turning country bumpkin for Hereford, Black Country for Dudley, and full YamYam for Birmingham. All pretty passable accents.

Prague to Bristol flight a few years ago. Lots of turbulence over the North Sea, I happened to be trying to aim my pee stream into the pan at the time, pilot announces “please return to your seats” cue lots of shouts and screaming as the plane lurches about for twenty minutes. Then were circling over Bristol, waiting to land. We’re delayed because of fog. Normally you feel the plane start to descend in steps as the stacked planes move forward in the queue. No, we’re still circling an hour later. Pilot has kept us informed that we’re “OK for fuel”, “not much longer”. Then suddenly “Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re landing. NOW!” We proceed to fall out of the sky straight on to the runway. After we landed the pilot informs us we had about 10 minutes of fuel left and we had no choice but to jump the queue.

wordnumb – Member
Some time ago – “The next train on platform two is the 16:20 to London Paddington. Calling at Bath Spa, Swindon, Didcot Parkway, Reading and Sludge.”

Brief pause.

“That’s platform two for the 16:20 to London Paddington. Calling at Bath, Swindon, Didcot, Reading and Slough.” Whilst his colleague could be heard over the tannoy laughing so hard he could barely breathe.
That had me giggling like mad, if I’d been the colleague I’d have needed oxygen!
Easy mistake to make, though…