So i’m in Sainsburys today with the missus. I pick up a copy of Tiger Woods new game for the xbox. Follow the wife around like the usual lost puppy needing a pee. Get to the till. The guy behind the till sends someone off to get the disc, we wait ages and no-one comes back. I say to the guy “it’s ok, forget it, i’ll get it another time” he apologises and we toddle off.

We get in the car and my wife say’s “you’re getting worse than my dad (who’s a grumpy bugger) You looked like you were about to go off on one at that poor guy, when you said to him that it didn’t matter you looked like you were going to tear his face off”

So, coupled with that and screaming holy death at anyone who cuts me up in the car, it would appear that i may have an anger problem…….my wife thinks it’s because i’m angry with my parents (long boring story) but after repeated attempts at a sit down with them, they’ve brushed it off and blamed my frame of mind and won’t listen.

I know I should just forget it and get on with my life, but does anyone have any suggestions in dealing with this sensibly before I ruin my marriage and get a punch in the face from the next person I blow up at?

Take it out on something? Some sort of combat sport?

Or therapy perhaps, but that sounds more boring and expensive.

Not from personal experience, but I know someone who went on an anger management course and they reckoned it changed their life.

As far as blaming your parents is concerned, unless you’re a child, that’s a cop out imo. What do you want them to do ? You’re an adult now, and even if they were crap parents, they are no longer responsible for your behaviour – it’s up to you to sort yourself out, not them.

That ^^^ sounds like pretty normal behaviour to me – I’d get pissed off with standing around like a lemon at a checkout too. And if someone cuts me up I tend to go a bit mental – isn’t that normal?! Perhaps I need to punch someone to express my anger.

Hmm. You don’t sound as if you actually feel angry though?

A lot of people think I am being angry and aggressive, but I’m not. At least, not to people. I get very annoyed with inanimate things but definitely not directly with people. Even when they are not there. It takes a while for people to realise this though. I can get very angry and shouty whilst talking to people about other things, but that’s not the same as being angry with them.

As far as blaming your parents is concerned

Sounded to me as if he was angry with them currently for something they’d recently done, rather than blaming them for everything in a teen angst way.

What I wouldn’t do, is take any notice of either of the first two responses above, cos it’s clear neither of them have half a clue what they’re on about, no matter how helpful they may be trying to be. Sounds like you have real concerns about the possible consequences of your behaviour, and that this is being echoed by your wife. If you are that worried, then go and talk to someone who can put you in touch with professionals trained in dealing with such things. Your GP may well be a good place to start.

Anger is an emotion that has to come from somewhere. You need to find out what triggers it, then what the root causes are, in order to be able to ‘manage’ it.

I tend to appear more angry when I’m stressed and pissed off with work or something else…

How tall are you? Short people tend to be angry, if your short then theres nowt you can do about it, its just in your nature.

Is that the full extent of your anger? Doesnt sound too over the top.
As far as the parent issue goes that obviously runs deep in you, if they wont listen to you put it in a letter and see if you can get them to speak to you then.

The supermarket one is perfectly normal as far as I’m concerned. Blowing up at people who cut you up in the car though, is a serious problem IMO. It’s stuff like that that gets people killed, you should probably do something about that.

Now I’m going to break the habit of a life time and agree with Ernie.

As far as blaming your parents is concerned, unless you’re a child, that’s a cop out imo. What do you want them to do ? You’re an adult now, and even if they were crap parents, they are no longer responsible for your behaviour – it’s up to you to sort yourself out, not them

100% yes. My entire wife’s family, including her, blame virtually every single ‘bad’ habit or behaviour they exhibit, on their parents (who are both dead). Her dad was no saint and no mistake but her mum was a lovely woman. None of them can finish anything and they all say ‘that’s because me dad could never finish a job’.

Time to grow up then isn’t it and accept responsibility for your own actions then isn’t it?

I’m not that popular in my wife’s family, it has to be said.

Take it out on something? Some sort of combat sport?

Or therapy perhaps, but that sounds more boring and expensive.

As far as blaming your parents is concerned, unless you’re a child, that’s a cop out imo.

How tall are you? Short people tend to be angry, if your short then theres nowt you can do about it, its just in your nature.

🙄

I know it’s late, and everyone’s tired/had a drink and that, but come on people. If you’ve nothing actually constructive to say, then why not just not say owt at all? You’d be more helpful that way…

Read the OP properly! It’s far from obvious if he is BLAMING his parents for anything…

Recognising the problem and learning to articulate it is a massive leap forward.

I’m very placid normally, but pushed too far I tend to become somewhat explosive with very minimal warning. Learning to dissect the impulsive response has helped me pre-empt it.

I’ve never intentionally harmed a hair on anyone’s head, but on a few occasions I’ve felt that I’ve come damn close.

His wife thinks he’s blaming his parents and if there’s one thing I’ve learned since being married it’s that wives are always correct.

Elfinsafety – Member

What I wouldn’t do, is take any notice of either of the first two responses above, cos it’s clear neither of them have half a clue what they’re on about, no matter how helpful they may be trying to be.

If that’s aimed at me, I know exactly what I’m talking about. Although I would much rather it was a subject which I knew nothing about. I’m talking about the second paragraph btw.

Sorry, I should be a bit clearer…

Actually my wife isn’t always correct, it’s more a case of me always being wrong.

Read the OP properly! It’s far from obvious if he is BLAMING his parents for anything…

And I hope everyone has read my post properly RE : “As far as blaming your parents is concerned, unless you’re a child, that’s a cop out imo”. In other words, don’t go down that road.

See this, Ernie?

my wife thinks it’s because i’m angry with my parents (long boring story) but after repeated attempts at a sit down with them, they’ve brushed it off and blamed my frame of mind and won’t listen.

I’d say that suggests that the OP may well possibly have unresolved conflict issues with his parents. Which aren’t being resolved especially if they are unwilling to discuss matters with him, or consider his point of view. Talking to a trained professional about this may help the OP in this regard, as to finding potential strategies to deal with this issue.

In any case it could be just one thing in a whole load of issues that affect him.

I know exactly what I’m talking about

Sorry, but your ‘advice’, as Molly points out, completely misses the mark. Which doesn’t suggest you know all that much about such matters, to be perfectly fair. I’m not looking to score points here or ‘win’; I am speaking from extensive personal experience of such things, and am only concerned that the OP gets the kind of help and support he needs.

I’ve seen and heard an awful lot of bad advice from otherwise well-meaning folk, which hasn’t helped anyone. Which is why I’ll reiterate the importance of seeking professional advice on such matters, rather than from bods on an internet forum who probbly aren’t trained mental health care professionals.

If you ask advice on here, you’ll most likely get a load of people arguing over who is righter than who, and you won’t be any the wiser as to what advice to take. 🙂

The post below will demonstrate this perfectly:

Sorry, but your ‘advice’, as Molly points out, completely misses the mark. Which doesn’t suggest you know all that much about such matters, to be perfectly fair.

You might not agree with my conclusions and my opinion, which is fair enough, but I know exactly what I’m talking about.

And I also know the difference between moving on with your life, and remaining angry and bitter towards your parent(s) decades after they have died.

😆

You have to look at whats positive in your life and when you start to lose your temper remember that. Yes you could lose your temper and go on one but what is going to come from that, nothing positive.

I try to remember that as long as your not seriously ill, in prison or dead the rest is just controlable white noise, it isn’t important, it doesn’t matter. You could get out your car and batter the next person who cuts you up but you’ll more than likely end up in jail. It took a few seconds out of your life, so what, big deal.

I don’t know your family or the situation but sometimes life just isn’t fair, you can’t reason with the unreasonable.

Of course all of this is very easy to say 😀

Pfftp

I have not bothered reading all the responses. Its late and I have been drinking

Firstly – do not go to the supermarket with your missus. Its a recipe for disaster. Me and Mrs TJ have not been in one together for decades.

did you actually lose your temper? I have broken furniture in temper in the past but a little professional help helped me to stop. Its not a sign of weakness to recognise you need professional help and like my answer to ton above then if its pissing your family off then stop it.

Sometimes anger is reasonable and what you need to do is be confident you don’t over react. Sometimes anger is unreasonable and then you simply need to not do it. Either you recognise that between you as a couple and she has a word or phase to say to you that means you take a deep breath and stop or you need some other way of stopping the unreasonable action.

so no drama queen stuff. Did you / do you over react and get too angry? In which case you need to stop before it poisons your relationships with people.

are you stressed? Unhappy? In which case change your situation.

Don’t be afraid to get professional help.

Take this as intended from one stroppy get to another

Google NLP and have a browse. It’s not all about anger, there’s good info on why we behave as we do.

Anger or frustration is one of our basic reactions, NLP explains why and how we can manage it.

Lots of good books out there too, now then..

DO YOU THINK YOU **** OWN THE ROAD???

Sounds like normal behaviour tbh. If it’s not a major problem then just accept it’s who you are. We’re all different and we don’t all need to be ‘normal’.

Also – I’d say the supposedly unhelpful replies make this place good and must have been expected/wanted by the OP. The badgering by elfinsafety is just boring – give your advice elfin and leave others to give theirs.

If you’re worried about it, speak to your GP, there is more help out there than ever before, and they may be able to point you at a few options to try. If you think that might be a bit OTT there are some very good anger management books out there.

the difference between moving on with your life, and remaining angry and bitter towards your parent(s) decades after they have died.

Yes ernie, but the point is: how?

Perhaps you could enlighten us.

If your wife, the person who cares the most about you in the World, is concerned then pay attention.

It’s not like you abused or physically attacked the guy I’m the supermarket, is say you are just a bit impatient rather than have anger issues.

I’d be more concerned at the following your wife round the shops clutching a computer game tbh, sounds like you need to grow up a little 😉

well done to the OP. its long been recognised within the medical fraternity that the first port of call for anyone who suspects that they may have psychological issues is –

solicit the opinions of a mountain bike forum.

not that it will do you any good but its a wonderfully cathartic platform for the rest of us to espouse our great theories on life.

Being angry with someone and blaming them are not the same.

2 things, IMHO:
1. If you (and your wife) think you might have a problem then it’s definitely worth going to see the doc and getting their thoughts. They might just reassure you that you’re worrying too much, or they might refer you for some help. Either way it will give you some peace of mind.

2. If you tried to discuss negative feelings you have with your parents and they brushed it off and blamed you, then IMO there is a problem there that you might benefit from resolving as it sounds like there’s not a fully open and honest relationship there (perfectly normal IME mind you!) From what you say it’s them not willing to have the necessary conversation that you tried to start but professional guidance may help you lead that conversation better.
FWIW I was angry with my Dad for years and a bit of counselling helped me take responsibility, empathise with him and we get on better now than we ever did and I can see he really appreciates that I took the lead he didn’t feel he could…
HTH

I think you need to address the problems with your wife, shopping is for women, unless your a single, or bored, dont just follow round like a lost child, it makes you look a failure to the male race, be asertive, demand she buys what you actually want to eat.

Alo sarent computer games for ids witrh jeans down their bums.Not fully grown mountainbikers.

Also aren’t computer games for kids with jeans down their bums.Not fully grown mountainbikers.

Same thing, no?

Are you Ginger?

The first thing your GP will do is try to decide if you have a mental illness, or are just angry, and then figure out the impact it’s having on your life.
If you’re ‘just angry’ (which it sounds like), then there’s not a great deal the NHS can offer. If it’s due to stress or anxiety, there is talking therapies.

One final note – having been working in Psychiatry for several months now, I would NEVER underestimate the effect and consequences our parents actions and our upbringing have on us!!! Like it or lump it, messed up childhoods generally lead to messed up children, which lead to messed up adults…..This circle can be broken, but is tough to do so!

DrP

If you don’t learn to manage your anger you’ll end up riding a road bike.

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