I’ve just been accosted by a VERY angry man who lives opposite, and accused of, amongst othger things, being a discgrace to the human race and a disturbance to the neighbourhood. My crime; unlocking my car, which shone its headlights at their house, which made their dog bark. It all got a bit shouty; It wasn’t my finest hour.

Oh well. In FINEST STW FASHION, I have responded thus; A strongly worded letter to the fellow. I have copied and pated it below for you amusement/pisstakery etc. I havent decided whether I will actually post it to him yet, but it’s made me feel a bit better. If I do send it though, I’m going to copy in all the nieghbours… 😈

Dear angry man of <redacted> Drive,

I am very disappointed in both yours and my conduct this evening. I feel that I have let myself down; whilst being shouted at and called names on my own drive for no good reason is certainly a provocative act, I should not have met your anger with more anger, and I should have kept my thoughts about a fifty odd year old man who lives with his mother to myself. For this I can only apologise.

You accused me of ‘flashing my lights’ in your window. Whilst I accept that the headlights of my car did indeed shine in your window, I can assure you that this was not intentional. Modern car headlights usually come on when the car is unlocked, and my car is no different. Of course, as this causes a problem for your lap dog, I will try to remember not to reverse park on my drive in future. Of course, you could also just draw the curtains or train your dog not to bark in an antisocial and unneighbourly manner, but I suspect that might be asking too much.

What I would suggest however, is that you take a long hard look at yourself when it comes to how you approach other people when there is a problem that needs discussing. I’m afraid that striding across the road, ranting and raving, slinging insults and actually punching my car is probably not the best way to achieve a resolution acceptable to all parties. In fact, you are very lucky; if I actually WAS the ‘disgrace to the human race’ that you accused me of being tonight, then things could have ended very differently for you. Not all fathers would react as reticently as I did faced with a direct threat made against their children. I realised that you were saying things that you didn’t mean in the heat of the moment; I think you should be glad of that.

I have lived in this house for more than two years now, and I am disappointed to say that this is the first conversation that I have ever had with you. The only conversation that I have ever had with your mother is when she felt that it was appropriate to question my parenting when I was allowing my boys to play outside on their bikes. On a quiet cull de sac. It was none of her business. This was pointed out to her. On this occasion, the exchange remained polite, if terse. I am sorry, but I think that it is probably just good manners to get to know someone at least a little bit before you question their abilities as a father. Not a single other household has been as singularly unwelcoming as yours. In fact, everyone else has been friendly and neighbourly.

I will close by saying that, despite the events of this evening, I harbour no ill will to you. I am entirely open to wiping the slate clean, and sharing a cup of tea with you, whilst discussing the weather, kids these days, gardening, or whatever else floats your boat. All that I would require a reciprocation of my apology for this to happen. I suspect, however, that you will not be able to bring yourself to accept my olive branch. In which case, I would suggest that we never interact again. Under no circumstances would you be welcome on my property, and should I find you trespassing again, you will be escorted to the public highway, using the minimum reasonable force that I deem necessary.
I look forward to sharing that cuppa soon (but don’t have high hopes),

Kind regards

Bemused of 23

TAke it over there now! It’s perfect.
Especially the bit about the 50 y/o man living with mother.

cull de sac

Could be appropriate when he reads that 🙂

Why thank you. bloody Word auto correct…

Printed? No no, a letter like that should be in finest green Crayola.

Invite him for dinner and overlook him for pudding.

Nah written in blood red ink….witha big splatter across the middle and a hand print instead of a signature.

passive-aggressive point scoring bollocks

go and talk to him instead

I thought this was going to be about some mini eggs.

Attach to a brick and sling it at the dog . Then hoof in the slats (dog and the 50 year old virgin)

I thought this was going to be about some mini eggs.

It’s OK, despite the rest of the issues, they do at least scoop the poop.

passive-aggressive point scoring bollocks
go and talk to him instead

😀 😆 absolutely! What else. (You may have failed to grasp the humour of my post) Talking to him is NOT going to work though. I was a bit concerned he was going to stroke out. We are not talking a reasonable human being here.

<good ‘storm in a teacup’ pic>

Yup, I’m very glad this is all I have to worry about on the neighbour from hell front.

+1 on it’s passive aggressive I’m afraid.
If that’s what you want to say to him – say it to his face.
Personally I find that people who’re that nuts aren’t very good at acting like adults even if you treat them like one so worth saying it to his face but I wouldn’t expect a very positive response
Such a shame that angry people have to infect everyone else’s world with their own problems

Especially the bit about the 50 y/o man living with mother.

No no, she lives with him 😀

It’s OK, despite the rest of the issues, they do at least scoop the poop.

Your egg jokes are on a roll tonigh. 😆

I’ve seen that film.

A letter like that and no mention of bombers is poor.

(You may have failed to grasp the humour of my post)

you know, I think you’re right. Maybe you could post it again, with the funny bits in bold or something ?

… kidding ! <passive-aggressive smiley>

Drac, you keep setting ’em up and I’ll keep knocking ’em over! 🙂

the only response to this is

“close your curtains”

and then turn and walk away.

you know, I think you’re right. Maybe you could post it again, with the funny bits in bold or something ?

😆 😆 😆 git! Touché 😛

Personally I find that people who’re that nuts aren’t very good at acting like adults

Fair point that. Perhaps a less direct approach is called for here. Have you considered leaving him a poor review on TripAdvisor?

I think that letter is unlikely to diffuse any existing tension.

I think that letter is unlikely to diffuse any existing tension.

Do you reckon? I had already ordered the Yorkshire tea and best biscuits in readiness for him popping over… Darn it. More biscuits for me than I suppose.

Play it right OP and there is some long term sport to be had here.

I am with allthepies,when is the last time you saw the mother outside?

Sounds reasonable. If a grown man threatened my stepkids in front of me then I don’t think I’d be quite so polite about my response.

Not all fathers would react as reticently as I did faced with a direct threat made against their children.

If this was what it sounds like, do whatever the **** you want. If you haven’t whacked him, then you have plenty of moral high ground and probably still have a bit even if you did.

Do you reckon? I had already ordered the Yorkshire tea and best biscuits in readiness for him popping over… Darn it. More biscuits for me than I suppose.

Sarcasm?

Moab.

That is not a teacup. I bet you live with your mum.

PS keep your mutt under control.

“Strongly worded” reminds me of this email I received after our event a while back…

At the time I thought the STW collective might help me with the reply, but since he didn’t ask for one, he didn’t get one so kept him guessing.

Dear XXX, I was barged out of the way today by over a hundred cyclists while I and my wife were walking on XXX this morning. While most of the cyclists were clearly nice enough people, several simply raced past downhill, quite literally inches from us, at high speed; one clearly thought we should get out of the way and even complained that we had ‘plenty of room’ (though we didn’t). Quite apart from the imposition on people who are out for a quiet walk along footpaths (not cycle paths or adventure routes, such as the one on XXX, which would be fair enough), XXX is an exceptional piece of the natural and historic heritage of XXX–it is not an adventure route. No doubt you think this is very curmudgeonly of me, but I am appalled that you think it is acceptable to treat XXX like an ordinary footpath, and that you charge people for the privilege of using the ancient pathways that do not belong to you. The owners of XXX are the National Trust, and I shall be sending them a copy of this email.

(For the record it was a wide bridleway and nowhere near 100 riders.)

He won’t know what “reciprocate” means.

Okay then peeps, whats it going to be;

a) Forget about it
b) Send and be damned
3) Send and send to neighbours too
iv)Pop around and have a nice civilised face to face chat, because letters are for wimps

Points of disclosure;

I don’t expect any of the above to actually resolve the situation. It’s all about the entertainment of STW/satisfaction of not letting an angry little man think he’s won now. This may be neither big nor clever, but it may at least make a few people chuckle.
I’m planning to move in the next twelve months, and as I’m currently renting, I don’t really need worry about disclosing neighbours from hell…

Okay; vote!

iv) and if he’s a twunt [partridge]”let battle commence”.[/partridge]

awesome retort v8ninety.
set webcam up,deliver letter and sit back and watch him loose his shit

3 & ^web cam

set webcam up,deliver letter and sit back and watch him lose his shit

This.

To be honest, I think you need to play up more – probably be insulting in a school playground way. It would seem the least he deserves and most likely more on his level. Something classic like*…

Q. What has five digits and smells like your mum?

A. This! *Wave hand under his nose*

*Probably not recommended really, if he is as unstable as he sounds…

In all honesty, I would leave him well alone and if he is like this again just phone the police. Threatening your family is way, way out of line.