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My daughter is a few months off 15 and she has started seeing a lad who is 16. My emidiate reaction is to beat him to oukp however I am reliably informed this sort of behaviour is illegal. I am uneasy with it but am I just being a typical did.? What age is acceptable and where is the line drawn.?
BTW anyone asks for pictures and I'll send "the boys" round.
A mate at work has the same problem except she's been seeing 20 odd yr olds.
The police & social services are heavily involved at the moment. 😥
How about trusting your daughter?
Me, in about 13 years time
Assuming the concern is about the age gap, at school whether an age gap is decided to be acceptable is based more on year group than age, and it's fairly standard for a girl to date a boy in the year above. At 16 he'll be in year 11 and I'm guessing she's year 10, so in their eyes there's nothing wrong.
*Well that's how it worked at my school, (I'm 20 so it's not a distant memory just yet!)
Invite him round. Ask him how tall he is. Measure the boot of your car. He'll get the message.
watch Kidulthood.....and think yourself lucky.... 😉
Pace out his height in the garden, asking what kind of slabs for the new patio
Put in your application now for the Jeremey Kyle showdown.
Soooo.
Yer Daughters akchewally 14.
Hmmm... There are a lot of Laws around this kinda behaviour.. 😐
However, to counter that... Ever had a word with him?
He might be a really nice Boy (but a Boy none the less)
I'd say, drag em both in, sit em' down on t'chaiselong and spell out the implications of "you touchy my daughter" etc. Then back right off denying all knowledge of said conversation.
She may forgive you when she's 28 and walking down the isle to wed the Son of the local Conservatives association.
And of course, she may not.
How big are your boots?
😕
They're both kids so it's all harmless fun. Just ward her off getting fingered behind the bike shed etc.
You do realise she's probably no longer a virgin anyway based on national statistics 😆
Having two daughters now in their mid 20s I've been through your initial predicament.........my daughters all had the birds and the bees talks befor they did it at school, and I made sure that they both knew their responsibilities when it came to birth control......and finally I announced to them and their respective boyfriends these passion killing words...Not in my house whilst I'm in my house and never in my bed or certain death would be imminent!
Think it worked 😆
I never thought I would have any issue with this but its feels like some sort of primaeval instinct has kicked in.
Don't worry about it. At that age they probably just watch Netflix and chill.
As I'm sharpening up the chainsaw, I just said "There's 30,000 acres of forest just beyond the garden, they'll never find the body..."
As long as you don't live in the Midlands she will be fine!!
How smart is she? How clued up and social-aware? Be nice, supportive etc but don't be overbearing or preach.
Saying that - look at jobs 250miles away and relocate your family next week 🙂
Depends whether "dating" is a euphemism. And very much depends on the common sense of the two kids involved.
My daughter is only 9, I have this to come.
Just ward her off getting fingered behind the bike shed etc
A friend of mine with a teenage daughter tells me that teenage girls these days consider it normal practice to be stimulated in this way by several different boys in one night. Indeed, they consider a night out to be wasted if this does not happen.
My mind boggled at this information and then I thanked my lucky stars that I am childless and was raised in gentler times.
As they say I'm glad I have two sons. That way I only have to worry about two prikks, not all of them.
32 years ago as a 16 yr old I dated a 14 year old. I didn't then and don't now think it is unusual.
Spin ^^ Sorry I grew up in a really rough area. The messed up girls were exactly like that. The rest weren't. The 90's were nowhere near gentler times. Where the 80's positively Victorian round your way?
As long as you don't live in the Midlands she will be fine!!
Not any more.
A friend of mine with a teenage daughter tells me that teenage girls these days consider it normal practice to be stimulated in this way by several different boys in one night. Indeed, they consider a night out to be wasted if this does not happen.
TBF I'm not that many years out of school (fourteen).
Looknig back, it was funny if nothing else...."go on, dare you to smell his hands; he's just fingered such and such behind the sportshall"
Come to think of it, when I was 16 (1972) I was snogging & fiddling around with a 15 yr old girl. We went our separate ways eventually only to meet up again 30 odd years later & get married!
All is not lost. 😆
We went our separate ways eventually only to meet up again 30 odd years later & get married!
🙂 awesome!
The messed up girls were exactly like that. The rest weren't.
What's changed I think is the openness about it.
I've got 2 daughters aged 5 and 8 - I have all this to come.
I'm quite looking forward to it in a perverse kind of way - I think I can pull off being a scary Dad pretty well... ;o)
OP,
Very simple you are the father so tell her to behave like a daughter. 🙄
No, no boyfriend until she is 18 or 21 ...
No, no makeup until she is 18 or 21 ...
If your daughter is like my younger cousin sister who is in late 40s now ... you are in deep shite.
Her parents could not control her,
She did what she like with no control,
Many boyfriends,
Many orgies later ...
One day she woke up(recently two years ago) only to realise that she was going to be alone in this world after her parents pass away ...
Because she is already in her late 40s ...
She is not married and with no partner due to many years of loose living ...
She is going to be a spinster ...
Too late ...
Her parents (my uncle & aunt) now regret the way they brought her up and due to their softly softly approach (my precioussss) my cousin sister will one day die alone perhaps in a squalid condition who knows ...
In your case you can be tough but you should provide reasons to back up your explanation ... unless you think the state can look after her.
Hope it is not to late for you ... 🙂
edit: two 12 year girls and two 10 year old boys were completely drunk outside my flat last week smashing glass bottles just beside my cars ... when I looked out they threw the bottle at my flat but missed because they were too drunk ... feral is an understatement ... I could do nothing but observed ...
Quietly explain to him that you should be serving life in prison for murder, but luckily the conviction was overturned on a technicality! 🙂
[quote=bikebouy ]Soooo.
Yer Daughters akchewally 14.
Hmmm... There are a lot of Laws around this kinda behaviour.. What kinda behaviour?
OP - as a father of a 19-year old, I'm afraid you're just going to have to accept it and hope that your morals and guidance have paid off.
My Daughters both know what their "Uncles" do for a living and so do many of the boys they grew up with.
Strangely enough they all are very polite and there's not been any hint of them asking them out 😀
You should know your daughter better than anyone else here.
My daughters are now 25 & 27 we always made a point of welcoming boyfriends, rather than driving them away to get up to worse mischief in the back of a car/behind the bikeshed.
I think they've turned out OK (ones a nurse, the others a teacher).
I opened this thinking it would be funny but am now sharpening my big knife and planning to apply for a gun liscenc in the morning. My girls are 8 & 6, the 8yo isnt at all interested in boys, the 6yo is constantly being warned off her tennis instructor. I feel I have some hard years in front of me.
Putting the emphasis entirely on the boy that's dating her is ignoring half the story. She's getting to the age where she's going to want to explore her sexuality, and she will. She's either prepared for this or she isn't so if you've not had "the chat" then maybe now would be a good time.
You can't stop her unless you follow chewkw's advice and that would be insane under any circumstance.
rather than driving them away to get up to worse mischief in the back of a car/behind the bikeshed.
Some of my best mischief was in the back and front of a car (occasionally whilst driving) and round the back of some beach huts. I seem to have missed out on bike sheds, which is a pity, life is full of dissapointments.
Apparently 1/2 your age plus 7 is a socially acceptable minimum age to be dating.
So 16 and 15 is ok.
16 and 14 however, makes him a nonce!
There was a repeat of an old live at the show with Phil jupitus that you should almost certainly watch, if for no other reason than to get someone else's point of view- [url= http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01p88fs/live-at-the-apollo-series-8-episode-3 ]here you go[/url]
You're kidding yourself if you think "having a word in his ear" is going to have any affect on what the two of them get up to. I'd focus on being open and approachable and give your daughter the support she needs to make smart choices.
Have 'THAT' sex talk. honestly.
Talk to her about being presuserd into doing something to make other people happy. Tell her that chaps will say anything to get any type of sexual gratification (good god the storys they spout).
You really don't want her getting knocked up when she hasn't started her life and you really don't want her getting any STDs or getting bullied into doing anything.
Boys are ruled by there hormones and whatever friends they listean to (who are also ruled by hormones).
PS
Self defence classes are a blooming good idea.
My daughter has just turned 15, and she has been going out with a lad in the year above for six months now, so he's 12-18 months older. It's difficult, but she's a switched on kid and we've gone down the line of making him welcome at our house, making sure she knows the implications if they do anything while she's under 16, and making sure we have an environment where she can come and talk to us about anything, which she does. What's the alternative? Tell her she can't go out with him and then try and stop her seeing him at school every day? It helps that he's a thoroughly decent lad, well into his cycling so not into booze, fags and weed like some of her peers are starting to get in to. He's just signed up for some cycling team too so there might be a free bike in it one day. He's a roadie though 🙁
Crikey - If you are in a relationship that needs self defence classes you are doing it wrong. Male or Female. and Judging by STW experience we are all still getting it wrong.
Plenty of young people have more mature relationships than "adults". Arm them with education, commons sense and support them totally and all will be well. They might have sex. They might wait. They might not. How do you know what is right for them? I reckon you set your own hang ups aside or risk derailing their future attitude to relationships and sex.
I have 2 girls aged 6 and 10. I can only hope they'll grow up to be smart well adjusted people. We'll try and do our part, the rest is up to them. I'm a pretty relaxed dad, the way my mum was with me, they'll make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. I had a girlfriend at 15. I wasn't a ****. There are many lads out there like I was. It doesn't seem that long ago now (42 now).
When they are 15 if they have boyfriends that's up to them, no problems with them being a year or two older as it's the way of the world. If they do make a mistake I want them to be able to come to us and not feel we are going to scream and shout. Kids have sex, no amount of input from the parents is going to change that if they want to do it, again, hopefully they'll be smart enough to do it sensibly. Admittedly I'm a bit more of a relaxed parent than my wife but as long as we present a united front then that's most important.
Everyone has their own way of parenting I guess. One isn't necessarily better than another just a response to their situation.
Yer Daughters akchewally 14.
Ironically, even 14yr old girls don't type like this.
I think more girls and women should have been taught self defence at a early age. Sexual assults happen to women who keep quiet about it and never go to the police or talk to family, either out of fear, shame or being blamed for the incident.
I assume that this sort of thing is totally counterproductive, as it makes your rebellious kid see you as someone who they really ought to be rebelling against.
My daughter is 14 soon. The only comment I regularly make is no lifts in cars with older boys, clearly that's not going to happen just yet but I'm starting it early. That scares me more than anything as I've seen how some of the ****ers drive at times...
Thegreatape's daughter has a sensible dad. On a practical level: vaccination, some advice on the sex acts the young man is likely to be interested in and a box of condoms in case she throws parental guidance to the wind.
As the parent of a young male I tried to explain that young ladies would probably not be too keen on most of the things the ladies in porn vids do.
Edit: at coffee a guy in our MTB club produced a big bag of croissants to hand around. "What's the special occasion? we asked. "I'm a grandad", he replied. A brave one of us ventured "But I thought your daughter was still at school.. ".
If you can catch that channel 4/5 programme on European style sex education a few months ago, it was eye opening, and very empowering for the girls who were previously feeling very pressured.
Show the boyfriend this.
Would you prefer they were dating a girl who was 16 than a boy?
As they say I'm glad I have two sons. That way I only have to worry about two prikks, not all of them.
this x1000000
That vid is obviously the right approach but here we are talking something people just do rather than talk about. Madame did not ask if I wanted tea last night, I had been dozing not even thinking about tea (which indicates I wasn't properly conscious).
After reading all the contributions on this thread ,
I think I would ask irc's mad uncles to show the boy in question Quirrel's tea & consent film.
Failing that - CONVENT!
Just wait till she gets older
http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/attraction-to-older-women
Not read all the way through, but hopefully someone has suggested making him welcome and encouraging them to spend time in your home. Much better to know where they are.
Having seen the other side of this very recently (I.e. I'm the boy's father) I would say that you need to be careful - go about this in the wrong way and it could be 'disastrous'. The father of the girl in question handled things so badly that he practically drove her to exactly the actions he was trying to avoid (banning her from seeing him, threatening him, THREATENING ME!) all made the girl rebel harder. It's over now and I dread to think what sort of a state she's in as a result 🙁
Of course I'm sure my son isn't entirely blame free, but I knew the last thing I should do was make any kind of threat or prohibition about the two of them.
They were the same age bar a couple of months and in the same year at school (yr10)
No kids, but once I was a hormonal 16 year old lad. my view is:
Make them both welcome, make them both feel they can talk to you. The last thing you want is them to be hiding away somewhere.
Make sure she knows she can, and bloody well should stop things if she's not comfortable.
Make sure he knows the same, it's not all one way traffic at that age.
Lay down some simple but enforceable rules, no lifts with older lads is a good start point.
Accept that something may happen, and if it does she needs to know what to do, whatever it is.
Understand that your daughter is not a baby anymore, so something will happen at some point.
As the parent of a young male I tried to explain that young ladies would probably not be too keen on most of the things the ladies in porn vids do.
Make them watch all the Rocky movies, then take them to a boxing club.
They'll soon realise that, sometimes, real life experiences aren't quite the same as they're portrayed in the movies.
....if this doesn't work then unleash the big guns.
"Imagine I was doing that to your Mum..." Job Jobbed.
I have a mate who in his youth was a right dog, chase anything got what he wanted then leave, multiple girls on the go at once etc etc
Oh the irony that his daughter is now 16 and he is in an awful place, knowing there are boys out there like him or worse, I swear it has aged him 10 years 😆
I would also like to point out to those who are thanking their lucky stars they have only boys that these years are not without stress and worry, and frankly if you try to absolve yourselves of any responsibility in this area during this time then you're remiss in raising your own boys. The "Gwan my son!" attitude is archaic and ruinous. (Edit: At this young age - I don't care what happens once they are mature enough to handle the fallout)
Back to the OP: Consider yourself lucky that you can see this coming (she has a boyfriend and has announced it). A young lady I'm aware of was recently 'deflowered' (yuck! Hate that expression but it'll do for now) in an after-school visit to the house of the boy who sits next to her in Biology (ha!). The inevitable 'I might be pregnant' melt-down by said young lady was a complete and utter shock to her parents. She was 14.
When my daughter was 15 , I was always worried. Used to get a rollicking for going in the kitchen with the knife sharpener , whenever a lad came round. Now she's 22, hopefully someone will take her away, anyone, just give me my house back !!
Don't underestimate girls of that age either, it's not always the boy who instigates all the "action". At that age the girls are generally more mature and just as capable of getting themselves into difficult situations.
Lunge +1 - the girl in my post above was the instigator.
Ours are only 30 months old at the moment but from their behaviour I am already starting to worry about the poor boys. I am more worried at this stage about getting attached to one of the little gremlins and then watching one of my girls mercilessly kick them into touch.
Akchewally I have to come clean, I too have No Kids. A decision made many many years ago and not regretted it to this very fine day.
Brought up in a very strict family environment, very Armish in my Parents belief system. So I went to single sex school, Girls became just another someone to play with until I ended up in the UK aged 18 and went to a Grammar School to do my A Levels before Uni. To say that was a shock to my system was an understatement, going to Uni too. Tales of deeds done and doing and at such young ages made me glad to have been brought up the way I was. Took me until my 20th birthday to have Sex, even though I knew all the "how to and what to do's" I just felt it best to find someone who I'd like to spend the rest of my days with before committing to any Sexual activity, at all.
Ah, why am I saying this.. well I'm really rather glad about my upbringing, glad I chose not to have Kids and glad of the deep rooted morals I have to this day.
I'm sorry if thats all preachy to you, well akchewally I'm not.
I just wanted to point out that You don't have to take your clothes off to have fun with the opposite Sex, and make meaningful relationships. Theres more to life than the last 11 seconds.
I wish you all well with your moral dilemmas, really I do.
Just for clarity, does the OP have some reason to think his daughter is having sex?
Father of a 16 yo girl here. She's had a couple of boyfriends - nothing serious. We've made them welcome in our home (dinner etc.), and she seems to have grown up as a sensible young woman (wife teaches at an all girls' school, so she knows the vagaries of teenagers). Don't think sex has happened yet, but she's pretty open with us about what's happening with her friends at parties (boys often paralytic, girls generally more sensible).
Conversation I had a while ago with a friend. Do you want your daughter having sex in a compromised environment, perhaps with no birth control to hand, or would you prefer that happened in your house with condoms readily available? It's a tough issue to consider, but I know which I'd prefer for the health of my daughter.
I had a girlfriend at 15. I wasn't a ****. There are many lads out there like I was.
Yep - this. When I was 27 I had an 18 yr old girlfriend (her first proper boyfriend and she was pretty much a daddy's girl at the time).
If anything, the age gap meant that my raging teenage hormones had subsided a bit and I was mature enough to know not to push myself on her. It was a few weeks before we even got to fumbling around, much longer before full sex. I am sure her father didn't think as much, but she was in safer hands with me than with someone of her age 🙂
I am 48 now and she's now my wife and mum to our two 6 yr olds 🙂
My daughter has only had a couple of boyfriends thankfully, but they have been complete opposites.
We learned that you can only intervene gently, and that regardless of what you try, you only have a certain amount of 'control' but a large amout of influence. These are inversely proportional and if you mismanage it, it leads to romeo and juliet syndrome.
first boyfriend was a nightmare.
current one is great.
both were nearly 2 years older than her.
Protecting your child from the horrors of heartbreak and regret is, as parents what we all strive to do. however, we also need to let the experience life and support them if and when they get hurt.
Balancing that is the most difficult thing in the world.
Instead of focusing on the boyfriend - focus on your daughter. Try to instill in her self respect, self esteem etc I.e. to have the confidence to hang out with boys but not be pressured to do anything so it all stays harmless....IMO, if you focus on the boyfrienda and become an overprotective dad you'll make things worse...she'll rebell..
It is normal to be a bit concerned, but ultimately if you don't trust her to be sensible now then there is not alot you can do.
Unless you are truly frightening and not a slightly tubby middle aged man, don't bother with any veiled intimidation.
No, no boyfriend until she is 18 or 21 ...No, no makeup until she is 18 or 21 ...
meanwhile, in the real world .....
We've made them welcome in our home (dinner etc.)
This is a better approach but don't let them get too cosy - despite what they might think - it is probably not that serious. Just be normal and treat them like any other of their friends.
As the father of a nearly 16 year old this has been on my mind/radar for quite a while.
I have (jokingly) told her when she was 13 or so that I needed 6 months notice of her having a boyfriend, as that's how long it would take me to get a shotgun licence.
I feel quite lucky as she is level headed and not really keen on boys as they are all immature (which raises worries of older boys)
We have just discussed how limiting on your life having a boyfriend could be - and she is a good rugby player which tends to come first so she has limited time. The rugby also makes me less worried as it requires a lot of self-analysis and she can look after herself if needs be.
We talk to her about the ups and downs of boyfriends and other life decisions then cross our fingers.
Got two boys. They'll be getting the talk in due course but if I did have a girl every prospect would be getting a tour of the shed...
"this is my chainsaw
this is my other chainsaw
this is my lump hammer
this is my pri-bar
this is my shovel
this is my grinder
this is my axe
this is my billhook
this is my drill
this is my other drill....."
Would make them welcome and all but it's always useful to remind them of their own mortality and its dependence on their honourable conduct too.
I have all this to come with my eldest being 5. Maybe tell her what you were like when you were 16!! Be open that to be honest boys will say and doing almost anything to get a bit of action and yes they will tell their mates.
I think it's only natural for dad's to be protective of daughters because they remember what they were like a teenagers. Even the most levelheadded lads are driven bu hormones / thinking with captain winky.
I think the best comments on here are the ones about welcoming the lad and treating him like a normal human being. Being a tool will just embarass your daughter and give them more in common (i.e. thinking you're a tool). Some ground rules wouldn't be a bad idea - no closed doors upstairs etc. With regards to getting frisky, as hard as it may seem happening in the safety of home has got to be better than in the back seat of a Saxo in Maddy D's car park.
I was the older boy with my first girlfriend. Her mum and dad were very welcoming etc but we were busted for gaving 'done the act' by her mum. That made things tougher (and awkward, very awkward). They didn't try to stop us seeing each other etc but were much stricter about no closed doors etc. We were together for quite a while (over two years) too. I don't think I was too much of an arse...the deed just happened. I think as parents we need to accept that it will happen - it just needs to be safe etc (which is what we will try to instill in our little dude).
we were busted for gaving 'done the act' by her mum. That made things tougher (and awkward, very awkward). They didn't try to stop us seeing each other etc but were much stricter about no closed doors etc.
I can't even begin to follow the logic in that. I get 'waiting till you're ready' which isn't necessarily some arbitrary [s]speed[/s] age limit set by the state; but if that moment has passed what's to be gained from a "not under my roof" policy? Better there than in the back of a Corsa or paralytic at a party, surely?
We talk to her about the ups and downs of boyfriends
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I can't even begin to follow the logic in that. I get 'waiting till you're ready' which isn't necessarily some arbitrary speed age limit set by the state; but if that moment has passed what's to be gained from a "not under my roof" policy? Better there than in the back of a Corsa or paralytic at a party, surely?
That is true, however for us it's more of a 'not while we're here please'
Currently relying on trust, which seems to be working. (oh, and paper thin walls)
I've never really understood the waiting till your ready. What teenager really knows when they're ready? maybe some have an idea, but most will, in a few years time, wish they'd not.
I started quite early on, and while I don't exactly regret it, I think it would have been much nicer without the anxiety/seriousness/self pressure. After all, it's a funny, messy, awkward thing to do, why get caught up in seriousness.
That's easily fixed. Start having noisy sex yourself. You'll never hear them again.