Colleague (via text): can’t come in today. I’ve got loads of shit to do and I’m in a foul mood.
Boss: join the club.
C: OMG are you OK? What are you going to do?
B: Go to work...
I have a very important internet debate to win on a bike forum.
Back on Monday .
I've got a sore side.
my friends horse has died
I thought 'My horse has died' was bad when it hit the third day after it had happened, but my friend's horse takes that and doubles it
My mate phoned his boss and told him that he had masturbated so excessively over the weekend that he had become trapped inside a sticky cocoon of his own making..
He had struggled fiercely to free himself, and had made a mad dash to the bus stop, but he slipped on the slimy goo that covered him from head to toe and landed on his backside, badly bruising his coccyx. Unfortunately the injury was so painful that he didn't believe that he would be in a fit state to sit in the seat of his dumper truck, so he had trudged morosely homeward to drown his sorrows with a couple of early morning ciders.
Obviously he was now under the influence of alcohol and therefor legally obliged to stay off-site for the rest of the day.
Can't come in today, I've got scurvy
Ken Dodds dad's dog's dead...so I am in mourning
‘I have a very important internet debate to win on a bike forum.
Back on Monday .’
What do you think I come to work for?
No idea but the best response to a call back to a sick worker was 'He's in Bournemouth'.
A woman in our dept took three days after her rabbit died. Was gobsmacked when I (gently...at first....) explained that it didn't qualify for paid compassionate leave.
Mind you, at least with a dead rabbit she didn't become entrapped or cocooned.........
At a small outer station we used to field sick-calls for colleagues, then send the sick report form into the admin dept. A mate asked me to think of something exotic rather than the usual food poisoning or 'flu, so we hit the medical dictionary and told admin he was off with dysmenorrhea (forging the Sergeant's signature as we did so).. .....
A woman in our dept took three days after her rabbit died
Oooohhh, her pet rabbit 😉
I was once called to be told by an employee that he couldn't come in as he's trodden in some dog shit and accidentally walked it around the house so had to stay home to clear it up. There were many other excuses during his time with us but that's the one that particularly stood out.
"Just not feeling it"
I'm rarely feeling it, especially today, but you know, mortgages and all that
One of my minions took a day off because they were "waiting for a parcel."
A woman in our dept took three days after her rabbit died. Was gobsmacked when I (gently…at first….) explained that it didn’t qualify for paid compassionate leave.
A pet that's been a companion for potentially over a decade, I can understand why someone might be a bit upset.
New teacher at my wife's school phoned up on her first morning at work to say that she wouldn't be coming in as she had a hangover. she didn't last long.................... 🤢
A pet that’s been a companion for potentially over a decade, I can understand why someone might be a bit upset.
Oh I get why she was upset, but to expect compassionate leave for any form of companion animal was pushing it a bit.
Oh I get why she was upset, but to expect compassionate leave for any form of companion animal was pushing it a bit.
Guide dog?
I was a shift manager in a factory and had a call one summer evening to be told emp. had waxed their crack and then got sunburned on Eastney Beach and couldn't walk.
Another call was from an emp's mother saying emp'd had a baby. She really had, and nobody saw it coming.
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Oh I get why she was upset, but to expect compassionate leave for any form of companion animal was pushing it a bit"
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Unless it was Edd the Duck or something
I've squeezed too much toothpaste out and I'm struggling to get it back in the tube, might be in a bit late.
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<div class="bbp-reply-content">I was a shift manager in a factory and had a call one summer evening to be told emp. had waxed their crack and then got sunburned on Eastney Beach and couldn’t walk.
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What's the relevance of the waxing to the sunburn? Was the sunburn in the butt crack?
Young Lad:
"I've broken my arm"
Two days later arrives back all in one piece and bright red from Sun Burn. "Yeah, it felt better so I cut the cast off".
Young Lady:
"Lady Trouble" comes back the next morning with a completely new hairstyle / colour.
And there was the Standard Issue Sickies:
Monday Flu AKA Hangover
Friday Flu AKA building up to a Hangover - best to give them a call about 6pm, just to ask how they're getting on... ha ha
Mid-Week Flu: The new Fifa / COD / GTA game is out.
Sometimes working with young people is as frustrating as it is funny. I'm not sure anyone under about 25 ever actually gets sick.
Had a young apprentice surveyor call in to inform us that she was in hospital with kidney failure.
That made it all the more surprising when one of the partners in the firm was walking down Byres Road in Glasgow that very afternoon and spotted her car.
He was even more astonished when he looked in the window and discovered young Emma noshing off some bloke in the passenger seat.
Not really a bad excuse but i did call in sick once becuase i was stuck somewhere on the Belarusian side of the Polish border and had the flu. The flu had no relation to being stuck in the middle of nowhere, that was due to problems with trains.
"I tried to make it in, but the highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive".
“I tried to make it in, but the highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive”.
Ha ha - I heard that in the Sopranos.
TBH I am always gobsmacked with some of the things people say. It may be that you are genuinely too upset to come into work because the dog has died. (I probably would be if it happened on that day.) Especially if you are doing work that really relies on focus and concentration. But can you not just say you have got a stomach bug or something. Nobody is going to know.
I once phoned in sick saying I had an awful hangover. I didn't drink at the time but the manager was a very heavy drinker so I knew he'd look upon that excuse sympathetically. From that day onwards he seemed to think we were brothers in arms, it was actually the best career move I made at that place.
I also phoned in sick from the services once after deciding to continue past my turn off and go to South Wales for the day instead of work. Can't remember what excuse I made but they must of heard the background noise on the phone.
I did used to work at a place where it was fine to phone in and just say you didn't fancy it that day and they'd count it as a sick day. It was rare that anyone did it more than once a year and it was a refreshing not to have to make up some nonsense that no one believed anyway.
Someone who had told everyone they were going for a weekend long bender rang the boss at 7.30am after clearly not being to bed to say they couldn't make it in because they had the shits... Except they were a bit too early as it was Sunday morning
“I tried to make it in, but the highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive”.
Surely you can only use that excuse if you're the Boss?
I’ve got loads of shit to do
To be fair that's a fairly valid reason for staying off work
been a companion for potentially over a decade
I think that is the other kind of rabbit
Someone once phoned in saying their big dog had eaten their little dog, never found out if it was true but by all accounts he was running short on new excuses not to turn up.
Only time I ever phoned in a sickie I just said I was feeling ill. I had already handed in my notice and hated the job (well, the boss more than the actual job)
The receptionist sussed me because in the background she could hear revving motorbikes, they were doing the noise-testing for a track-day at Castle Combe and I was in the queue waiting. She just said she would "pass my message on" 🙂
We had an apprentice who had been too at least six funerals one year for his grandma! When challenged that people usually only have two he said “yeah it’s hit us really hard.”
A woman in our dept took three days after her rabbit died.
Did she try replacing the batteries?
A friend rang in sick once claiming he had consumption; no one questioned it.
I once had a guy who turned up about 2 hours late, claimed he knocked himself out hitting his head on the bathroom cabinet.
The new forum isn’t compatible on my work computer.
Oh I get why she was upset, but to expect compassionate leave for any form of companion animal was pushing it a bit.
Guide dog?
Emotional support peacock?
I used to work with a guy who could ‘feel the flu coming on’
this was always exactly 3 work days before he fell ill, ie he ‘could feel ‘ on a Tuesday that hed be too ill by Friday.
It always coincided with a big celtic game, amazing how often that happens eh.
didn’t make any difference, he did **** all when he was there anyway.
"And there was the Standard Issue Sickies:
Monday Flu AKA Hangover
Friday Flu AKA building up to a Hangover – best to give them a call about 6pm, just to ask how they’re getting on… ha ha
Mid-Week Flu: The new Fifa / COD / GTA game is out."
You do realise that's the entire week?
Not a sickie but I did have to call in to work once and ask for emergency leave as I was locked in the house
We've had all sorts, recent one was "went to a gig last night and am tired". Best was a long email detailing how they had to look after younger brother who'd pick up a condom then droped the house keys in some mint sauce.
At our place your best off having a few days off because more than 4 sickness instances and you have to have a "chat".
my brother once rang his boss at the airport, and told him he had been kidnapped by aliens, he just said ok.
We had one lad recently that had a different excuse every week. Despite warning him about sickness procedures (having been off myself for many months with a spinal injury) and how it would kick in, he was still off. He got dismissed.
Worked with an apprentice a few years ago who was genuinely shocked he wasn't allowed extra days off to look after his mum's dog while she was on holiday. He'd used up all his holidays for the year.
Same lad once couldn't come in for a couple of days as he'd "written of his car." 2 days later same car "we just needed a new wish bone and one tyre" Genius.
droped the house keys in some mint sauce.
Could someone not have lent them a mint sauce keyring?
Colleague rang up after Liverpool's Champions League win a few years back (you know the one, 3-0 down at half time) and told the boss he wasn't coming in as he was still pissed.
Honesty is always best... The boss just laughed at him! Got away with it too!
I'm self employed, have been for years. The reason that I stick with the company is that my employer is fantastically understanding whenever I need to be absent. But I do struggle with finding reliable staff.
A bone idle & brown nosing prison officer on C wing phoned in one morning in wintertime to say she couldn't get to work cos she lived at the bottom of a hill & couldn't off the estate because of snow. The wing PO was suspicious so rang her local council & asked if there'd been any snow of any proportions that would stop her from getting in. There'd been no snow in the whole area & her street was on the flat.
(on another occasion she was 'sick' but same PO dug deeper & found out she was AWOL in Egypt on holiday)
A prisoner on C wing said he couldn't go to work cos he'd had the bad news his Gran had died, I phoned his mum to enquire & see if any further support was required. Turned out his gran had died alright, eight years before.
I once had a guy who turned up about 2 hours late, claimed he knocked himself out hitting his head on the bathroom cabinet.
Colleague of mine did the same.
He'd moved in a week or so earlier, got up early for the 6 am start at work, turned left out of his bedroom door to go to the bathroom and gone down a flight of steps that weren't there in the rented flat he'd been living in for the last 6 months.
Ended up braining himself on the stone floor downstairs, couple of broken ribs and a concussion.........
‘We had one lad recently that had a different excuse every week. Despite warning him about sickness procedures (having been off myself for many months with a spinal injury) and how it would kick in, he was still off. He got dismissed.’
Similar story to this colleague. Over the last couple of years her absence rate is 20%. Doesn’t sound a lot? It’s a day a week on average... her Bradford score must be 5 figures. she’s actually handed her notice in now and hr won’t give her garden leave, despite there being nothing we want/she can do as it’s cheaper to keep her on, knowing she’ll likely take a few days sick, unpaid. I’m not sure why she doesn’t just walk out unpaid for the remaining 3 weeks rather than phone in sick with bullshit excuses.
she was on a final warning for attendance anyway, the only amazing thing being how long it’s taken to get to this stage.
About 15 years ago I enjoyed the Notting hill carnival a bit too much and passed out in the float my mate was driving instead of getting back home on the train.
Decided when I woke up the next day (yep they said I was not waking for anything) I decided honesty was the best policy and phoned in and said I couldn't come in today as I have woken up in London.
Nothing was said and it was just accepted as one of those things that could happen to me. Not sure if thats good or bad?
Although I currently have no job to phone in sick to... Today I fell whilst roller blading and have hurt my knee and can hardly walk. I feel that this would be seen as a lame excuse if I did ring someone as nobody would believe me...
Overheard in my previous place of work "I've used all my holiday for the year, but I've still got nine days of sick leave to take before the end of May"
have hurt my knee and can hardly walk. I feel that this would be seen as a lame excuse
Pretty much by definition.
Back when I was running a bike shop in That London, we'd had a record month, so money was taken from the till to the Walkabout. It was buy one get one free and every flat surface was soon covered in full bottles. They were all drunk.
One of the young kids, Ian, was wasted beyond wasted.
The next day, I was in early, nursing a heavy head and a heavier coffee when the phone rang.
"Hello, it's Ian's mum..."
"Is it? Is it really?"
"Yes, I'm afraid Ian's come down with a bit of the flu overnight."
"Oh, really?" (Laughing hard!)
Never let him forget it.
'As you know it was payday yesterday so I went for a quick pint at lunchtime, I've just woken up on a beach 70 miles away with no money, no train ticket and no idea how I got here.
not sick but a genuine excuse for work for being late I used about 20 years ago
My alarm clock went off during a very vivid dream that I had been diagnosed with cancer and had not been given long to live. I turned it off and thought to myself "no ****ing way am I going to work when I'll be dead in 6 months" and rolled over and went back to sleep. Woke up 3 hours later in a blind panic when I saw the time and had to ring my boss and tell this and then rush in as had an important meeting that day. He took the p*ss out of me for many years afterwards over this.
My mum had an employee calling saying the buses weren't running because of snow so she couldn't make it in, she'd been waiting for almost 2 hours for a bus and has given up.
Mum looked out the window and noticed 2 busses at the bus stop and 3 more running fine on main road outside her workplace.
Asked the emp what bus she takes. Who replies with "number 36". Just that moment the 36 pulls into the bus stop. Mum turns round and asks two other emps to made it in ages ago what bus they get, "number 36, its running fine" they reply.
Que mum telling the emp to pull her finger out and get to work asap!
“I tried to make it in, but the highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive”.
Surely you can only use that excuse if you’re the Boss?
Very subtle... I like it
I’ve used all my holiday for the year, but I’ve still got nine days of sick leave to take before the end of May
standard civil service attitude.
Oh there was also a guy at my previous work, let's call him "Jim". Rung up one day but manager was busy so "Dave" answered the call:
Dave: "Hello?"
Jim: "I'm not coming into to work as doctor gave me an injection and I don't feel great."
Dave: (Sounding confused and shocked) "Errr.. OK ... bye .. "
Manager: "Who was that?"
Dave: "Errmm .... It was Jim. errmmm ... He can't come in because ... errmmm ... the doctor gave him an erection and he doesn't feel well ?!?!?!"
Manager: "WTF ??!!"
Poor Jim, Dave had totally misheard what he said but it was too late whole office heard it! We were still bring that story up 8 years later. 😀
I had some crap jobs in my youth and rang in with a couple of good (and true) excuses.
"I'm trapped in Birmingham"
"My friends have accidentally locked me in my house"
"I went out last night and got hammered. I'm calling from a phone box somewhere in Huddersfield after waking up in somebody's front garden. No, I can't come in an hour late because I have no money and have to walk the 16 miles home"
The most stupid one I have had was when working nightshift someone phoned in sick at 2 am. The problem was I could hear the party in the background so the excuse of a bit of a tummy bug really didn't cut it.
It’s funny how differently ‘sickies’ are perceived by some companies. I got less grief for phoning in saying I popped out for a few beers and woke up in a random house, with a massive hangover than I did for taking half a day sick due to breaking my hand on my bike.
I had a manager that rang in saying he couldn't come to work as he'd been bitten by a mouse. He rang back the next day saying that he couldn't come in as he couldn't sleep as he was scared the mouse would come back.
Another guy at the same place claimed he had genital warts. Pretty sure no one wanted to check that one.
I think that's a (screwed up) society thing. Making yourself ill by taking legal drugs is seen as a completely normal and acceptable thing, whilst an activity which makes you fitter and healthier overall is something only weirdos do.
Young bloke we had working for us failed to show up. His mum calling in with yet another lame excuse. We called the job centre to pop an ad up. Cue his irate mother calling at 11 the same day to ask wtf was going on as her son had just seen his job advertised in the job centre.
Not a sickie per se, but we had a guy phone in saying he couldn't get his car out due to the snow.
'don't you stay like a mile from here?'
'yes, but my car...'
'have you considered walking?'
He showed up about an hour later in a foul mood 😀
standard civil service attitude.
@jam bo Cutting edge of private enterprise and a shining example of British industry and innovation actually.
Overheard in my previous place of work “I’ve used all my holiday for the year, but I’ve still got nine days of sick leave to take before the end of May”
Heard the same from a friend working in the UN - got to take tomorrow off sick to make sure I use up all of my sick days for the year.
8-0
When I took over my current department there was a guy with a Bradford score of well over 8000. 😆 I worked out that he’d had almost 12 months off in the past 3 years! I knew his son socially and got the low down on what his dad was actually up to which was a another job somewhere else where he went sick for long enough to occasionally come into our place! That imo takes dedication and purpose.
Surely you can only use that excuse if you’re the Boss?
Superb.
😀
One time, on the way to the bank, I just didn't take the turnoff and kept riding. Ended up at the beach. Phoned in sick and said "Just can't face it today tbh, I'm going to build a sandcastle." Had about 6 ice creams, won big on the 2p falls, blew it all on Sniper Scope and went back the next day- not even a word said. Only downside was it took ages to get the sand out of the joints in my motorbike boots.
A guy was to upset as his rabbit had died
I once had a guy who turned up about 2 hours late, claimed he knocked himself out hitting his head on the bathroom cabinet.
Colleague of mine did the same.
He’d moved in a week or so earlier, got up early for the 6 am start at work, turned left out of his bedroom door to go to the bathroom and gone down a flight of steps that weren’t there in the rented flat he’d been living in for the last 6 months.
Ended up braining himself on the stone floor downstairs, couple of broken ribs and a concussion………
And turned up 2 hours late?