[Closed] Why do people have to be so horrible.....

New Patio time 😁

“DrP’s being a dick…

Prove her wrongly by simply not being one?

Very little tbh, it’s not worth getting into a battle with her, just make sure you do the right thing for your kids.
I had similar, my ex had an affair, left me for this other fella, but went mental when i later met someone else.
The fact that my new partner was considerably *younger *thinner *naturally blonde than my first wife was apparently “done deliberately”
*her words btw.
I reckon your ex now realises that there’s no going back, that’s why she’s so annoyed.

Stupid ****ing bitch. **** that cow. You're the better man. Rise above it and resist the urge to be petty back. She's just confirming the righteous reasons you left her. Be safe in the knowledge that your happiness without her is winding her right up.

It’s easy to not be a dick....
But it’s hard not to be hurt and upset when I’ve been expecting to have thE kids this weekend, arranged a family party, and got other things planned...

And thus is the problem... doing the right thing by my kids would be CHALLENGING her on this; they are expecting a good weekend, and there’s no reason i wouldn’t offer them that. SHe’s being the one here who’s ruining everything simply because she’s suffering narcissistic injury And can’t let go.

DrP

Why are they being horrible? It's because they want to control you, innit.

Always is

has she gone on social media mate and slagged you off ?
I’d rise above it by coming on here and slagging her off

Mate it is absolutely horrible
Do what’s morally right, don’t get into a slanging match, there are no winners that way.

Could a said Facebook’buddy’ not take them and then drop them off at yours😜

^^ too true..
I sit here clenching my fists at the pointlessness of it all....

I genuinely couldn't imagine treating people like this... We all carry our hurt, and the mature thing is to deal with it with the least effect on the children.
Not her... Sigh...

DrP

Could a said Facebook’buddy’ not take them and then drop them off at yours

I wouldn't want to rope others in on our shit show....

Good idea though.

DrP

Is there any chance you’ll murder her and bury her in a shallow grave?

thought not.

You’ll have to put up with it then.

Even worse…there’s two innocent kids jsut being held at the mercy of a f%@king cow……

I don't wish to make light of the situation - but due to the new @ functionality theres a forum member called Mandy who created an account 6 years ago, seemingly has never posted anything but will have just received and email telling them you've mentioned them in a thread on singletrack

Edit: actually they'll have had two emails now 🙂

All of a sudden I get wind she’s asking on Facebook for people to have the kids ‘last minute’ on Saturday, and having spoken to a friend, she’s messaged them saying “DrP’s being a dick… can you have the kids…?”

She won't be kidding anyone. Obviously her behaviour is upsetting for you, but it'll be embarrassing and upsetting for anyone she forces to be an audience to it all too. A few might get taken in, but not for long.

There was a time when you thought enough of this woman that you wanted to share a life and have children together, try to remind yourself of that.

You can’t control her actions, but you can your reactions, choose the one that will piss her off the most 😉.

Pik n Mix

You can’t control her actions, but you can your reactions, choose the one that will piss her off the most

I'm sure if she thought you were about to take advantage of not having the kids and go off and have an expensive weekend in Paris with her younger and more beautiful replacement, the kids would be on your doorstep before you'd finished the phone call.

But it's a waste of time trying to rationalise the irrational. You've just got to ride it out for the sake of the kids.

What a horrible position to be in, have you got any formal access set up? It might be an idea to get something set up if she's going to use your kids against you and it would give the kids some security as to when they'll see you, rather than you being a convenient babysitter for when she has a date.
I hope it works out for you, it makes a change to see a guy wanting to spend quality time with their kids as all I get from my ex is excuses and my friends all have problems with theirs.

My lad is now 22 but it seems only yesterday that I would find out my ex would palm of my son on friends etc when she knew she I would always look after my son, even at a moment's notice.

I could write a book. 2 broken contact orders by her knowing there is zero the courts will do to enforce them.

Boils my blood just remembering it all. Thank God he is his own person now.

There are a lot of awful dads out there and I really felt I was paying for their heartlessness through the whole process. Particularly the court ordeal.

I always told my son that I went to court not for my right to see him but for his right to see me and make up his own mind if he wanted to see his dad. Thank God he did.

Can't write more, 14 years of emotional torment in the few sentences above. Heart pounding just thinking of it.

@maccruiskeen makes a good point.

The @maccruiskeen functionality is frequently misused with unintentional consequences

And to vaguely address the topic, try, as hard as it may be, not to retailate in kind.

@maccruiskeen can advise further.

@maccruiskeen

Etc..

I’m sure if she thought you were about to take advantage of not having the kids and go off and have an expensive weekend in Paris with her younger and more beautiful replacement, the kids would be on your doorstep before you’d finished the phone call.

+1

There are no real consequences for her acting like this, or anyone else in the same position for that matter. Once they figure that out, the games commence. Don't play along. Stick to the access arrangements you have made, and hopefully have confirmed legally. If not do so ASAP. Next time she asks you to cover or swap, politely decline - you have other plans. As much as it hurts not seeing your kids every chance you get, it's better to stick to the one routine and saves any additional hurt to the kids when these games get played.

Dr P, that is really shit but not unusual.
Been there, been subjected to that and so much more.
The unfortunate truth is that no-one who truly matters or could change any of this is interested.
Sweeping generalisation coming up......it appears you are discovering that women, during separation and divorce, are incredibly manipulative and disingenuous.
You owe her nothing - other than a commitment you will always be there for the children; even with that, it doesn't give her carte blanche to do whatever she wants.
Use a solicitor to draw up a formalised agreement; if you don't, she will continue pissing on you.
Support and love children; ex is part of your past - keep her at arm's length and believe nothing she says.

Why are they being horrible? It’s because they want to control you, innit.

This, unfortunately. It is, basically, abuse.

As a wise mainframe once said, "the only winning move is not to play."

it’s a waste of time trying to rationalise the irrational

This. I have wasted god-knows how long of my life trying to figure out why somebody would do/say something.... only to come to the conclusion that you can't make sense of why some people act like they do. Some people be crazy.

It's a shame that the kids are missing out on a fun weekend, and that you'll have to cancel the arrangements you made..... but that's her doing that (out of spite), not you.

What'd really boil my piss is her telling everyone that it was you that cancelled at the last minute and was being a dick, when actually the exact opposite was true. I guess the mitigation for this comes down to:

How do you message this from your side to the people you have to cancel for this weekend's family party - do you tell them whats really happened, or do you rise above it? I think I'd probably tell them a polite version of the truth.

and

Do you actually care about the opinion of anyone she might have told her version of the story to? Care enough to correct their understanding?

Pffff - this sucks, I'm sorry.

If she's still living in the marital home with your name on the mortgage I'd be having that up for sale pronto. Why should she continue to benefit from your salary if she's continuing to be such a stupid bitch?

^^ To many, including myself, this is far more than just a bike forum.

Topics have been discussed on here that have ranged from heartbreaking to life affirming.

The op is letting off some steam and I can totally understand why.

Better here than sending his ex a text or such that just further ignites matters.

So... Many and varied reasons people post very personal topics on stw and long may it continue.

This isn't social media, with all its ba, it's a community. When it really matters anyway.

it’s not worth getting into a battle with her, just make sure you do the right thing for your kids.
I had similar, my ex had an affair, left me for this other fella, but went mental when i later met someone else.

This.  I appreciate the situation is much more difficult than I can advise on, but there’s no way I be letting a non family adult take my kids away from my opportunity to be with them or to go to thier birthday party.  You’ll never get that time back no matter how much of a dick she paints you out to be.    Sticks and stones etc

The fact that my new partner was considerably *younger *thinner *naturally blonde than my first wife was apparently “done deliberately

Come on now, if you got the opportunity to legitimately upgrade why would you say no?    Unfortunately our wives get older, fatter and greyer yet the younger versions are attracted to our middle age father figure experience based ability to treat a lady to something other than a lads night out.

Hello Swiss Toni.

Is it worth putting a quick reply on her FB requests confirming your happy and ready to have the kids?

You don't need to get drawn into a barney, you're not having a soar in public, just setting the record straight in a quick, unemotional way. She's then got a choice whether to escalate on there or not.

You need to dress like lady and assume a borderline racist persona. Unfortunately the beard will have to go. It worked for Robin Williams.

In all seriousness though just try and rise above it and be there for the kids as you have been all along. Easier said than done I know. Chin up Dr P

You don't sound like a dick to me.
Good luck.

DrP

Member

All of a sudden I get wind she’s asking on Facebook for people to have the kids ‘last minute’ on Saturday, and having spoken to a friend, she’s messaged them saying “DrP’s being a dick… can you have the kids…?”

Theres the driver for your problem; Facebook ... dont stalk or spy; delete your account, and anybody you know who references such sillyness on it.
Problem solved.

Youve offered to have the kids; they were not expecting to be with you this weekend; so if she wants alternative arrangements then let her crack on.

You need to dress like lady and assume a borderline racist persona. Unfortunately the beard will have to go.

whys that then? some of my female friends sport better facial hair than me

The thing is, she'd asked me ages ago, I've got things planned, the kids were looking forward to seeing my family as its my daughter's birthday Monday....

I just keep getting stuck in the trap of thinking "she's normal". 🙄

DrP

As a wise mainframe once said, “the only winning move is not to play.”

She wants you to play the short game and lose your rag. Play the long one instead by being the adult. Your kids will still want to do activities the weekend after.

Why are they being horrible? It’s because they want to control you, innit.

This, unfortunately. It is, basically, abuse.

As a wise mainframe once said, “the only winning move is not to play.”

IANAP..

But I've seen this kinda behaviour at first hand, and it didn't end very well for the father..

So.. ^^^ that advice is my opinion also.

All the best...

DrP, I can understand the situation and there's not much I can add apart from to echo what has already been said about being the better person. People that know you will likely not care about what is said on FB and those that care will likely not know you.

Stick with it, it's the only thing you can do.

You're one of the good guys on here. One of the reasonable, thinking contributors light on "isms" and "ists". People in real life know that too. As your kids grow up they'll work it out too. Keep it that way.

Is it worth putting a quick reply on her FB requests confirming your happy and ready to have the kids?

id guess theyre either 'not friends' on FB, or she'd delete the comment immediately. she wont be stupid enough to allow the truth to get out 😀

Don't cancel a thing.
Let Facebook know directly about this.
Post screenshots of the arrangements openly asking for an opinion from YOUR friends, etc. "AIBU?"
Collect the kids as planned.
Not nice, possibly braking rule No.1 but **** her.
Kids come first and anyone that decides to use them as a weapon deserves everything they get.

Let Facebook know directly about this.

Don't do this, that'll only succeed in worsening the situation.

Best of luck mate.

I'm not sure that just after ex discovers DrP is doing just fine in his new life is the time to escalate. I'd be making a load of notes, taking some screen shots and accumulating evidence for if it gets nastier in the hope it won't. Christmas is coming, a storm to be weathered in any family and especially a recently separted one. "Season of goodwill", no chance.

These days I just assume a person is horrible until I see evidence otherwise...in complete contrast to what I was like until my mid-20s, when I naturally just trusted people.
It's awful really...people can also change, so you could marry someone who then becomes toxic as time goes on.
But the result is a certain level of social isolation on my part, I've been single for 10 years, and all my friends are now married. If I go down to the pub, most of the regular drinkers there are in a similar boat and I can't say they are very happy either and certainly not healthy. Among the married people I know, there are plenty of hushed up affairs which are just as depressing to hear about, and then the fall-out from divorce, particularly with kids involved, is perhaps the most horrible thing to witness.

She's probably worried 'her' kids might come into contact with your new GF and might actually like her.

Have also recently divorced a narcissist and experienced similar except that my children are in their teens. While she played games I did my best to isolate them from them and not react to them even though it hurt. My boys have now decided that they don't want to live with their mother any more and have moved in with me full time. Appreciate it's difficult with younger kids but best advice is don't be a dick, play the long game, and be there for your kids as it won't be easy for them living with her if she's anything like my ex.