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Why don't owls date in the rain?
It's too wet to woo.
Why are native american chiefs buried on the top of hills?
Because they're dead.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
(childishly probably my favourite joke full stop)
My Beyoncé poster?
Heard about the award winning farmer? He was outstanding in his field.
Little known fact, Marvin Gaye owned a flock of sheep. He used to herd it through the grapevine.
All the toilets have been stolen from the local police station. Officers says they have nothing to go on
What's brown, steams, and comes out of cows backwards?
The Isle of White car ferry
How do you spell Hungry Horse using only 4 letters?
MTGG
A Grouse walks into a pub and the barman says “There’s a whisky named after you” and the grouse replies “What? Eric?”
Two fish swimming round a tank
“Oi, see that castle?”
“What castle?”
“That castle”
“Oi, see that castle?”
“What castle?”
“That castle”
“Oi, see that castle?”
“What castle?”
“That castle”…………………………………………………………….
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud
Before/after the "whats brown and sticky?" Honestly, my kids love my jokes 🤣
What do you call a dinosaur with no ears?
Whatever you want, they can't hear you!
I had a tarka massala for dinner.
It's like a tikka massala, but a little 'otter.
.
I then had an albino fruit salad for desert. It had no melon in.
What do you call a dinosaur with no ears?
Whatever you want, they can’t hear you!
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Dythinkysaurus.
In the butchers I asked for "a pound of sausages",
He said "its kilos these days",
I said "can I have a pound of kilo's then"
Two snowmen in a field - one asks can you smell carrots?
Two goldfish in a tank - one says, how the **** do you drive this thing?
What is the bare minimum?
One bear.
Why did the orange stop halfway up a hill?
Because it ran out of juice.
What’s brown and sticky?
Parcel tape.
What's red and not there?
No tomatoes.
Made an offer to the old lady next door: £5 to have a go on her stairlift.
Hoping she'll take me up on it.
What do you get if you breed an angry sheep with an upset cow?
An animal that is in a baaaaaaad mooooooood.
It’s like a tikka massala, but a little ‘otter.
Try the tikka pelican, tasty but a massive bill
Man goes into the butchers, 'pound of kiddlies please'
'You mean kidneys, sir?'
'I said that diddle-I?'
Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says...
“Any idea how to drive this thing?”
What's E.T. short for?
Cos he's only got wee legs...
What don’t you ever see elehpants hiding in trees? Because they’re good at it.
How do elephants hide in cherry trees? They paint their balls red.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries.....
two nuns in a bath, one says "where's the soap", the other responds, "yes it does".
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back - a stick
How do you get 4 elephants in a mini - 2 in the front, 2 in the back
How do you get 2 whales in a mini - over the Severn bridge
2 nuns in a bath
Nun 1 says where's to soap
Nun 2 replys I'd does rather doesn't it....
2 birds on a Perch one says to the other can you smell fish?
Beaten by yeti dave!
I had a racing snail, and I removed it’s shell to see if it would go faster.
It just made it more sluggish.
Two parrots on a perch. One asks the other, "Can you smell fish?"
What did the snail say when it slithered onto the back of a tortoise?
'Weeeeeee'
Photon checks in at Heathrow
"No bags sir?"
"No, I'm travelling light"
@fasthaggis tell us the wide mouthed frog one. I remember my dad absolutely losing control every time he told that, which he did at every opportunity, but I’ve forgotten most the joke now.
Edit, wow that's certainly of it's time isn't it. It's also a little more involved than the original joke I recall...
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam.
what did the zero say to the eight?
"nice belt"
The wide mouthed frog joke is rubbish, but the way it's told is genius, true shaggy dog story skill. I love those jokes that create nothing but a groan.
The best I remember was Harry Hill. For the whole of his stand up act, with all its tomfoolery and visual jokes, he kept going back to describing his weekend away with (IIRC a pig) in London, seeing the sights, taking in a show.... adding a little bit further detail each time. Best part of two hours including the interval, and right at the end "the pig turns to me and says 'is it really just about a coat?' "
Probably my favourite joke over all:
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
What did the slug say to the snail?
"Big Issue?"
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
and the full brown and sticky sequence..
What's brown and sticky? A stick
What's brown and sticky and speaks with a funny accent? A french stick
What's brown and sticky and runs round the garden? A fence
What's brown and sticky and looks through your bedroom window? Poo on stilts
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
What's the difference between a cornflake and a chick pea?
No-one ever paid to have a cornflake on their face.
Apparently, the guy who invented the umbrella wanted to name it a 'brella' but paused.
I went to a new barbers the other day and asked the barber to give me a haircut just like George Clooney.
After he finished, disappointed, I said to him, "George Clooney doesn't have his hair cut anything like this..."
"He would if he came here"
Stallone: Guys, I'm making a movie about composers. I'll play Beethoven.
Van Damme: and I'll be Mozart
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I'm not saying it.
I went to the docs because I have trouble pronouncing my “th”s and “f”s.
He said “you can’t say fairer than that”
Piece of rope walks into a bar.
Bar shouts We don’t serve rope! Are you rope?
He replies: No, I am a frayed knot
#Endofthread
What has a bottom on the top?
A leg.
Hate Russian dolls, so full of themselves.
Hate Lollypop ladies, they really make me cross.
Came here to post those, haven't read the whole thread so apologies for repeats...