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I had a wee in the deep end of the pool the other day. When the lifeguard blew his whistle I nearly fell in.
(Stolen from Jason manford radio show)
I’ve just tried some of Elvis Costello’s Mediterranean sausage range from Waitrose.
I must say it was lovely, I think Olive salami is here to stay
Another stick joke -
What's brown and sticky and plays the trumpet?
Gluey Armstrong
*shouts after Ambulance with Blues and twos blaring*
‘YOU’LL NEVER SELL ANY ICECREAM AT THAT SPEED!!!’
I like that one Tom.
.
See also: go to cash machine, get money out, clap hands excitedly and shout "I won! I won!"
How do you get 100 Picachu on a bus?
Poke-em-on.
See also: go to cash machine, get money out, clap hands excitedly and shout “I won! I won!”
Or change machines. Pound coin in, five 20p's out.
YESSSS!!!!
What's the best type of cheese to disguise a small horse?
Mascarpone.
I've recently become addicted to drinking Brake fluid...
...it's ok though, I can stop anytime.
I am addicted to Christmas leftovers. No idea how to stop that. I've tried cold turkey
Daddy, can you put my shoes on?
No, they won't fit!
*shouts after Ambulance with Blues and twos blaring*
‘YOU’LL NEVER SELL ANY ICECREAM AT THAT SPEED!!!’
Credit there, Eric Morecambe.
I used to be addicted to doing the hokey cokey
But I've turned myself around
And that's what it's all about
I thought I was over my phobia of German sausage, but I think it's coming back. I fear the wurst.
What cheese do you use to tempt a bear down from a tree?
Camembert
How do you annoy Lady Gaga?
Poke 'er face.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A Walk...
What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A Raisin.
Well done eddiebaby!
Why don't leaves fall off trees?
Because they're sticky.
Bloke walks into a psychatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of clingfilm underpants.....
"well" says the psychatrist "I can clearly see your nuts"
Under the clingfilm was a steering wheel
"Can you helpe me please doc" said the man. "This is driving me nuts"
What cheese is made backwards…
Edam!
Maybe not a joke but this made me laugh. And you have to be of a certain age to get it.
Stallone: I'm making a movie
about composers. I'm playing
Beethoven.
Van Damme: I'll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys,
I'm not saying it.