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Anyone got any good ones? Simple, basic humour
Was riding past Selfridges yesterday, apparently they don't.
I’ll post a seasonal one:
What time did Sean Connery like to take his seat at Wimbledon?
Tennish
why's 6 afraid of 7
7 ate 9.
why's 6 afraid of 7
because 7 is a registered 6-offender
Man gets hit right in the gob by a ninja star, 'what kung fu dat den?'
I just saw a sheep in a swimsuit drive past on the motorway....
It was a Lamb Bikini
Piece of rope walks into a bar.
Bar shouts We don't serve rope! Are you rope?
He replies: No, I am a frayed knot
Why does a Frenchman only have one egg for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Can't even type it without chuckling.
Sorry, we don't serve time travellers in here.
A time traveller walks into a bar.
(plenty more where that came from son)
I once told a bad chemistry joke.
Didn’t get a reaction.
What do we want?
Race car noises!
When do we want them?
Neeeeeeoooowwwwww!
A storm blew off 25% of my roof... oof!
What's yellow and invisible?
This lemon just here >
what's big and red and eats rocks, a big red rock eater
what's yellow and dangerous, shark infested custard
what did the big chimney say to the little chimney, you're too young to smoke
I've got more if you want ...
My sister works at the gas board if you want to meet her?
What don't you ever see elehpants hiding in trees? Because they're good at it.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because it would be a foot.
A man gets turned away from a nightclub for not having a tie, he goes to his car, rummages in the boot and can only find jump leads, he fashions a tie out of them, goes back to the club.
The bouncer takes one look at him, "Alright mate, you can come in just dont start anything"
Son: Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl.
Mum: No son, flush it like everyone else
What do you call a Zoo with only one animal? A Shihtzu
How do you make an octopus laugh?
With ten tickles.
What's a pirate's favourite letter?
'rrrrr'?
Arrrrrrr, ye'd think so, bit it's actually the C....
What's a pirate's favourite letter?
'c?'
Arrr, ye'd think so, but it's actually Rrrr.
<Repeat until child hates you>
What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?
a doyouythinkhesawus
Why did the golfer throw away his socks?
Because he had a hole in one..
"Hello,I'm a wide mouthed frog"*
* all Dads should know this joke
I was sacked from my last job as a teacher for being cross-eyed...
...I couldn't control my pupils
Doctor: I’m sorry we had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Why does Edward Woodward have four D’s in his name?
Otherwise he would be called Ewar Woowar!
What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian
Man gets hit right in the gob by a ninja star, ‘what kung fu dat den?’
The problem with this is that it's actually funny
What’s orange and sounds like a Parrot?
A Carrot
One to bring out at Easter:
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies!
What do you call a frozen one eyed dinosaur?
Still doyethinkhrsauras.
What’s the most common owl in the world?
The teat owl
How do Mexicans keep warm?
….they use chicken fajitas!
What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?
AYE MATEY
I was on a call the other day, we were waiting for someone to join when one of the participants asked if this person 'is around', I replied 'no, he's kind of people shaped', which got far more groans and comments of 'dad joke' than I expected.
I'll tell you what I love about camping, it's a really intense experience.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you're a poo!
Tried and tested on my 8yo nephew, get's him every time.
New on the market erectile dysfunction drug based on penicillin called mycoxaflopinn
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff
What’s blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
(childishly probably my favourite joke full stop)
I was on a call the other day, we were waiting for someone to join when one of the participants asked if this person ‘is around’, I replied ‘no, he’s kind of people shaped’, which got far more groans and comments of ‘dad joke’ than I expected.
Two oranges in a bar orange 1 says to the other "your round"
"so are you, you fat ****"
Was riding past Selfridges yesterday, apparently they don’t.
This is timely as my daughter's teacher next year is Mrs Selfridge and yes the jokes have started.
@fasthaggis tell us the wide mouthed frog one. I remember my dad absolutely losing control every time he told that, which he did at every opportunity, but I've forgotten most the joke now.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese
Have you ever noticed that around Halloween , all of the tabloids run stories about vampires, but you never see any in The Mirror..?
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Halloumi
Two monkeys running a bath, the first one dips his toe in and says “ooh ooh ah ah”
Second monkey says “put some more cold in then”