Forum menu
"Best is Harrison from Dirt forum and he won't thank me for sharing this.... Poor b@stard got very drunk, very quickly at a Sheffield party. Waited for 10 mins to get into the toilet, got fed up, kicked the door in and pissed all over the poor hippy lass s(h)itting on the toilet."
He sounds like a right ****.
after a few beers following a rugby match at uni.........
a friend & I were dangling a team mate by his ankles from the top of the stairs at a house party when we both looked at each other and decided it would be hilariously funny to drop fat boy, head first, onto the girls sat on the stairs about 10 feet below. Sobered-up rather fast as we saw him plummet head first to certain death. Fortunately he landed a a cuddly lady and was ok and more or less saw the funny side.
In retrospect killing your housemate at the age of 19 would have been somewhat career limiting, fortunatley I'm now a mature sensible adult. still puts the wind up me when I think about what could have happened
First night of a 2 week holiday touring round Spain I got rather drunk. The following morning revealed that I had got up for a piss in the night, followed exactly the turns I would have taken from bed to bathroom at home and pissed all over the apartment coffee table, the table had all of our travel documents/passports/car hire forms etc on it. Hungover in the bathroom drying piss soaked paper with a noisy hairdryer was not fun.
Although an unexpected bonus was upon returning the hire car to the miserable git in the booth, he licked his fingers to turn each page of the document I handed him :o)
Slept with a very good (ex-)mates mrs.
Funny and stupid...
Almost getting my teeth knocked out by asking a bit of a meathead bloke that had been hypnotized as part of the entertainment, if he knew what he was doing or could remember what he'd done whilst 'under', when his response was no I remarked how funny it was when the hypnotist got him to snog another man, his face was priceless!
I fell down the stairs a few weeks before Christmas, after missing the slight turning needed to head for the bedroom. Mrs deadly came running out of the bedroom to find me kind of arse about face wedged between the wall and newel post at the bottom of the stairs shouting "it's ok, I'm fine, don't worry, I'm grand, yeah, night"
Still don't really remember it but didn't feel a thing, no bruises or anything next day. Think I proved that theory about how drunk men and babies don't really hurg themselves because they just kind of roll with it.
If you can remember, you weren't drunk enough. 😎
Ate the hairy pie day three of a rock festival.
Took days for the taste to leave
I've done some crazy things while drunk. I had a brilliant 3 or 4 years of completely bell end craziness where everything seemed to go right. So much sex it was scary (and I'm an unappealing bloke at the best of times), with drop dead stunners to real sweaty, bad mouthed munters. I've fought lots of people and had a couple of run ins with the law but to think about my worst thing while drunk....
I think, it was when I was going out with a girl who lived on a farm. I got bladdered and looking for some thrills, I wandered across the hills for quite a few miles to get to her house. When I finally arrived I banged on the door and her mum answered. I'm not hugely proud of my activities for the remainder of that evening.
You didn't did you??? 😯
Sadly, yes. In my defence, she was recently seperated from her husband but I still felt very guilty about it *immediately* afterwards. Only the warm arms of my young girlfriend could make me feel better, so...errrm.... Oh god I feel slightly warm around the face just thinking about it.
What a CAD!
Now do you understand why it was a bad thing?
this was in germany where being pissed walking home can result in your driving license being taken away.....
whilst living on the shores of lake constance (bodensee) i used to drink alot as weed was hard to come by.
mates and i started drinking fairly early one afternoon. we ended up on a beach where one of us fell asleep. we buried him and thought it best to wake him up before he choked.
[img] 
[/img]
riding home we played fahrrad krieg (bike war). woke up at some point with a police car beside us and the copper asking us what was going on. we all laughed it off and the copper asked us, politely mind, to walk our bikes home. we got home (shared house) and proceeded to play butter krieg. we then got on a ferry at 6am to the othe end of the lake (70km away). wee got home that evening to find three broken bikes and some very unhappy housemates.
here's one of the photos i found on the camera a few days later....
[img] 
[/img]
other have included shagging some aussie bird in kings park, perth (think hyde park, london) whilst completey off my tits on MDMA. i sobered up when a coach load of japanese tourists walked past whilst i my arse was bobbing up and down on top of this girl whilst we were lying spread out on a park bench.
i was 19 at the time (gulp, 8 years ago) and she was 28 and married ( 😉
). she then proceeded to phone her mum and ask for a lift home.... i declined a ride home preferring to walk the 12km with a massive grin on my face.
there are plenty of others but i can't think of the details at the moment...
i've a few good recent ones from my cousins.... i've 33 cousins in total (thanks granmum) but these two stories stem from a pair of sisters....
rebecca (my cousin) and my younger sister (jojo) were on holiday in portugal. they were out one evening when rebecca - who drinks like a fish/northerner - says to my sister "i've lost the apartment key". my sister asks "where did you keep it?" "attached to my knickers". "aren't they still there?". "no, i've lost my knickers". bearing in mind she had slutty mini skirt on.... they then wandered home and fell asleep outside the apartment block. my sister says she remembers waking up with rebecca asleep with her legs pulled up and a group of workmen standing opposite getting an eyeful.....
rebecca's younger sister sarah works for some government mob designing weapons systems. she got the job because of an uncle who already worked there. he had already had a word with her about her conduct whilst drunk on a works night out.
at the last christmas do in some big hotel she got royally pissed and her colleagues told her to go to bed at around 10ish. she went up to bed and then decided she needed something to help sober her up. she thought a coke would be ideal so got up to go to the bar downstairs. as she closed the door to her room she suddenly realised she'd forgotten the key-card....
she then looked down and realised not only was she locked out but that she had only a vest top on and nothing else..... she panicked, threw up at her door, ran sround the corridors for a bit before find ing a table with a small cloth on it. she then found a small flannel in th toilets and used the cloth and the flannel to cover her bottom half. she then had to go downstairs to the reception and ask for a key..... the problem being that opposit ethe reception was her works party of about 300 people.
everyone clocked her standing there half naked with puke down her front.....
the worrying thing is that she isn't ashamed to talk about it and designs the weapon systems that are used on the british naval ships.....
killed
If you can remember, you weren't drunk enough.
OK then, woke up after a night out, with a pair of smashed glasses and a broken hand. Still have no idea how it happened.
It was half way through my exams so had to dictate the last two exams to the course tutor (Law and Economics) as I couldn't write!
Fell off a small cliff 😆 that made me laugh.
while working in a backpackers on Brisane in the early 90s aged 24 i had a few drunken snogs with a 19 year old cutie from an art collage, one night after far too many ales I wandered uninvited down the road to her parents house and loitered somewhat hopefully outside her bedroom window hoping for a bit of hows yer father. I woke up at about 4.30 am asleep on the pavement having given up the vigil at some point. The next day her slightly bitter and jealous younger sister informed me that my little fling had been with her 17 year old school attending sister, i shudder to think what would have happened to me if her old man had caught me furtling around his garden at the wee small hours. needless to say i halted any further advances and concentrated solely on swedish backpackes from then on.
Just remebered when we went away for a meeting with an old job.
A few of us went along for some reason, but wern't needed so went for a walk around, the town was pretty rubbish so we went to the pub, we get back to the hotel just in time to join the rest of the people for an evening meal, some one then starts to spike the bosses orange juice with double vodka's, now for this car half a shandy would have been living on the wild side.
It was a late night of talking and drinking and the boss was rat arsed.
Next morning were sat in the dining room muching breakfast when water starts coming through the cealing, turns out the boss had decided to have a shower some time during the wee small hours but had blocked the plug hole with a towel and fallen asleep, fully clothed, and flooded a fair chunck of his room, before the water came through the ceiling.
for some reason he doesn't like to be reminded of it.
slept in a few hedges, the best one being outside of an ambulance station.
was about to throw up, try to direct it into an empty beer bottle only to result in a "sprinkler" effect... 😳
my wife has a good one though; on the train, gonna throw up, but the train is moving/not in station so what to do? decided to open backpack and vom into it. 5 mins later same thing, so opens bag back up and voms in again.
next morning, realises and opens bag to find that she'd opened two seperate compartments of said bag and so had vomitted over absolutely everything.
Gets to work the next day and the security guard tells her how he saw her the previous night and is surprised she made it to work. she calls BS; he promptly goes on to tell her - and everyone else there - how she was hanging on to the railing fence of the park, to stay upright to get up the road from the station to my (parents) house.
"so why didn't you stop and help me?"
"didn't want you puking in my car"
Properly lost control of bowels in a near comatose state dressed as the pink panther, whilst propped up against the "big white telephone". Shame...
😳
The one I regret the most is doing a back flip (which I could always do easily), whilst totally hammered and breaking both my arms!! I was plastered for weeks then!!
NYE2000 somewhere along the Embankment i jumped off a porter cabin whilst tripping off my tits on a concoction of substances. i thought the people below would catch me - crowd surfer stylee - but they didn't. i hit the deck hard. i remember coming to with a load of faces above me with people talking about an ambulance. i got up and climbed back up on the porter cabin with my mates.
ahhh... to be young, stupid and carefree again.
Worst thing - fallen asleep.
Best thing - everything else.
Should you ever become famous the gutter press will have to look no further than STW for the dirt on you Alpin.
when i was 18 i worked at a large financial institution.
it had a massive christmas party every year in a large hotel, it was a free bar/meal/hotel for a night so being single and 18, i decided to take my mate...
we were properly into our smoke (especially the kit, bongs lungs pipes etc etc, ideally whilst listening to cypress hill, or watching withnail... how on earth was i single, i must have been sooo cool)
So we both did lots of bongs in the hotel room in the afternoon leading up to the night.
then when the banquet kicked off we were all arranged by branch round lots of massive round tables.
the last thing i remember was suggesting a red wine race to my mate.
Next morning I woke up to find our hotel room empty, and stumbling down the corridor passed a cleaner who giggled at me.
I finally found my branch and their mini bus (it was a crap company) waiting for me, nobody would look at me and my mate was very sheepish indeed.
My branch manager filled in the blanks at the immediate "formal counselling session" that ensued on the way back.
evidently after the wine we had both started nicking drinks, (even though they were free) then my mate had dissappeared.
The Chief Exec was on his way over to our branch table to speak to my boss for the first time (a big cheese this, he was on the news when mortgage rates were changed, his name reveered and spoken of in hushed tones), his hand was out to handshake my bosses, his smile frozen on his lips....
As i chose that moment, to vomit, excorcist style all over the white cloth draped round table and slide to the floor, still clutching a recently liberated G+T.
Nothing was said, the chief exec just turned on his heel and stomped off.
My boss and someone else carried me to my room, kicked open the door and there was my mate shagging the Collections lady.
A career in Finance was not for me.
After an all day session many years ago a couple of my mates were ex-pupils of Public school along the road to where I lived, it got used as an outward bound centre during the holidays so we broke in to the kitchen & nicked all the packed lunches, then made a return visit to nick the motorised surf board, it was so big we could not hide it at my flat so we took it back. 😳
Another time we were at a small coastal village on a water skiing weekend after a few beers we wanted to go for a pee at the public toilets, but they were locked so we decided tie a rope to the door and the other end to the towbar intending to just unlock it, instead we accidentally pulled the door off, oops! We got caught by the local fuzz, luckily I escaped prosecution and my friends paid for the damage and got a slap on the wrist, they would of got done for the silliest crime of the year, if a burglar hadnt of got stuck in a caravans skylight.
I decided to cycle to my girlfriend house after another session and I was feeling horny as I was too drunk to drive I cyled the 5 miles to her house, only on the way I had to go down a steep hill and I hit something and I ended up with the bars bent and my nose nearly touching the front wheel but I didnt fall off and just carried on, I left the bike in her garden and had my nooky, the next morning I could not believe it when I saw the bike the front wheel was bent & buckled god knows how I rode it, until this day I dont no what I hit as it was asmooth tarmac road.
I could write a book on all the stupid things I've done while drunk, I hardly drink these days.
Should you ever become famous the gutter press will have to look no further than STW for the dirt on you Alpin.
chance whould be a fine thing.....
reading all this is making me feel more normal.
once broke into an RAF base in silverstone and tried to steal a gazelle helicopter. got in and played with all the switches but it wouldn't start.
stumbled into the pit lane at the le mans 24 hour race, stole a pit jacket and pretended to analyze data until someone spotted me.
ran out of booze money once with a friend, so stole some sarsons vinegar from a chip shop and tried to get more drunk on that.
woke up on a sunday morning once in my c reg polo in a field in somerset, with all the doors open, surrounded by heffers. (will always feel guilty about that one)
:))
Spent the whole night pissesd calling my mother in laws new husband by the name of her ex that had died ten years earlier.
done lots of bad things when drunk but most were in the army so it was ok 😉 i did quite a funny one looking back but it wasnt at the time
i ran down a hill in harrogate just off the main drag the one with some of the shops having big bill boards hanging down . i had a girl on my shoulders forgetting either her or the sign i ran her right into it and we both went flying as did the sign, she lost consciousness and a couple of teeth ;-( funny now mind 😉
Not me but when I was a student in Bangor I got woken up by a phonecall from a friend asking if I could wake up my (Irish) housemate. Turns out the guy (on the phone) had got wasted, somehow got on the train and ferry to Dublin, then managed to lose his wallet - all whilst dressed as a pirate. He was now stuck in Dublin with no way to get back. I think in the end the Irish guy had a cousin or something who bought a ferry ticket for the pirate.
I could write a book!
The 8 stitch scar down the side of my head reminds me that bikes and booze don't mix.
Whilst at uni in Kingston was bet i would'nt jump of the bridge into the thames, did'nt bother taking of any clothes as could see my halls froom the bridge, still remember my feet hitting the bottom, and think oopppsss this could go horribly wrong.
The next year swam across the Thames to get back to halls as it was quicker way back from the pub to my halls, than walking over the above bridge. Not my finest moments
This is a bit 'if you can remember it then you weren't really there' innit.
When I bought my current house, it needed a lot of work doing to it, so whilst I was refurbing the thing I was living at my parents. I went out one night, got resonably drunk but not hammered, came home and went to bed, woke up in the morning and all was well.
A week later when I was out celebrating my birthday with my mates and my siblings, when my sister says to me something along the line of "so what about you getting into bed with mum and dad!" WTF, Then something my brain had obviously tryed to protect me from remembering came rushing back.
I'd got up in the middle of the night to use the loo, then instead of going back to bed, I'd bounced my way up the middle of my mum and dads bed like a kid and got in with them. 😯 Funny they never spoke about it.
That was the start of my sleep walking...ive been in a few incidents since. 😆
i dont no cos i cant remeber...but i woke up with 40 rugby tickets a few months ago...didnt pay for them...just got them...(their worth £360) and were for a game that was going to happen the next day.
thats only one of my drunken escapades that i dont no much asbout.
too many to recount them all but a couple of good'uns.
Out with a mate on a session in Guildford we ended up at closing time in the Kings Head. This has a big A-frame pub sign outside the entrance to the beer garden detailing "15th Centruy (sic) Inn, good food, fine ales, etc...." Upon leaving the pub I notice the spelling mistake and convince my mate we should nick it. So we carry it right up the High Street in Guildford stretcher style, stash it in a side alley while we have a curry, and then somehow manage to convince a taxi driver to take us and the sign home. The conversation went sth like
'you can't bring that, you've nicked it'
'no we haven't, the pub said we could have it'
'why would they let you have their sign'
'because it's spelt wrong and we're going to fix it for them'
Taxi driver studies it carefully and has to admit, we're right. So we then go home with my mate in the front seat and me in the back, seats down to accomodate the booty.
On arriving home we set the sign up at the end of the soon to be future MrsV's bed, and then wake her up. For some reason she was less than delighted by our peace offerings.
I was forced to return it the next day, which i duly did at the crack of dawn, totally unseen. I don't even think they noticed it missing in which case, was it ever really stolen?
On another occasion, at a workmates summer barbecue we got horribly drunk on a variety of rubbish (Polish grass vodka being the worst), and I got into a semi-humorous argument with my then boss about whether he would like an Aftershock. He steadfastly refused at which point I delivered the career limiting line 'Stop being a miserable irish c**t'
A hush fell over the gathering. Surely instant rebuke, nay - dismissal! He fixed me with a steely gaze and then delivered his response......
"I've never been called miserable before"
He retired a couple of years ago and the incident was never mentioned again. Thanks AJJ.
For my 24th Birthday decided to go out with 4 mates, went to a student club in Manc as they sold Desparado's for the princely sum of £2.50. Fast forward several hours and I'm 10 miles from our flat outside my friends house being violently sick.
I'd decided in my infite wisdom to go back to my friends house, he ended up calling my GF at 5.30am to come and get me. I was none the wiser until I woke up the next evening. To say she was not impressed would be correct.
The same friend once turned the wrong way when heading for the bathroom and took a leak in the cupboard under the stairs.
On a Uni team night out, several of us decided to steal a 20ft long Redbull banner from the bar. Cue 30 minutes of stealth and bar maid distraction. Managed to get away with it too.
An ex. girlfriend used to look after the horses of someone in the village when they were away. The house (more of a mansion really) was huge with tennis court, swimming pools, stables, forest etc. etc. (owner used to trade oil tankers I believe!). One week we were housesitting (staying in "The West Wing" of this enormous place) and after a particularly heavy night in the pub I awoke the next morning and stumbled into the en-suite, only to discover a big curly turd in the yellow bathtub. I obvioulsy didn't remember doing it but I must of got up in the middle of the night, perched on the edge of the bath and crimped one off. After disposing of it, no amount of scrubbing/Ajax could remove the brown-coloured, donut-shaped stain on the bath. I often wonder what the owners (or next house-guest) thought it was.....
Where to start - they normally involve sex with munters though.
Beat up a bouncer in Oban once who was beating up my mate in an alleyway - not proud of that one really
Brother had a broken leg (fell of a castle in the village we live in drunk) and there were no taxis home from pub so I drove us - got out of car and tripped on the seatbelt and smashed my face in.
Doing a sailing delivery trip for a friend who owns a boat brokerage - delivering this brand new £100k Beneteau yacht about 40miles down the coast - found some Champagne and beers that my mate had put on for the new owners to have delivery party with the next day. Anyway the 2 of us on board found this, drank it, got rat arsed and crashed the brand new boat into the lock gates. New owner never found out.
Got beat up off some navy guys for calling all navy guys queer.
Created a roadblock with no parking cones in Tarbet in Argyll whilst doing Scottish Series sailing, some range rover approaches and some dude tries to get out of the back doors whilst the car is moving (also pissed) to get at us - car back wheel drives over him causing major injuries. We subtly sneaked away from that one.
Decided to stop drinking recently.
rode home from work christmas party at 3am ish blitzed out of my mind in a black DJ jacket and tie, black jeans and a piss pot (no lights).
randomly binned it crossing the a57 and slid along on my cheek for a yard or two.
car literally (screamingly) accelerates at me as i lie there, then pulls onto kurb. I (drunk and thinking he was trying kill me) half hurled my bmx at the car, and hurl some choice language.
at which point 2 armed response constables hop out. (they were unamused)
balls.
stolen a car with the owner's acquaintances still inside
most of my really drunken days involve passing out and waking up somewhere strange ( possibly next to someone strange ) but in a real fit of *drunk logic*... and this is years and years ago... I left a club in my hometown and I knew I was too drunk too drive the mile or so home , which would take me past the local police station , which in those days would have been shut anyway at that hour -- so instead of driving that direct route I went the other way... country lanes for 4 miles , motorway for 5-6 miles and then country lanes another 4-5 miles the back way to my house.
oh ya.. that was brilliant.
At a house party while really drunk went to leave! They made everyone in the house leave there shoes at the door.....
I pissed in about 15 shoes! Longest piss i ever took!!
They were somewhat annoyed!!!
Same house 6 months later!!!
Me and a friend broke in. We took all furniture from downstairs upstairs bar the cooker... And put it in out mates room! We got so much stuff in there we had to climb out his bedroom window to leave! He came home from work that evening to think he had been robbed!! Police called and everything. He was pissed when he realised it had all been put in his room!!
Well funny!
A friend of mine kicked all the wing mirrors of cars on his way home then ripped out the toilet from a friends house and took it home with him as a trophy.
I walked into my mates room in the dark whilst they were shagging (she was ontop). I sat in the corner of the room sipping from a mug of redwine and asked if I could join in.
Anything else I will never tell on a public forum unless STW brings back anon postings.
Drunk and disorderly in Amsterdam, spent the wee small hours of my first night there in a police cell out of it in my boxer shorts, I'd been sick over my clothes at some point!
I had company mind you, my mate was in the cell next door!
Also once fell asleep walking back to my hotel in Crete, woke up by a coach load of Brits in the middle of nowhere, I'd walked past the hotel . . . got back, my mate was a sleep in the wardrobe!! Happy days!
3 of us eating chips after a club night. 2 of us started kicking lamps in on the market stall. Coppers see us about 50m. 2 of us scram, 3rd can't as he's injured his ankle. 2 of us stood in the night club crowd watching 3rd member get carted off by the fuzz. A night in jail in just his boxers... Not sure if he sees the funny side.
Also, dancing on a slippery floor, picked a girl up on my shoulders, slipped... Not sure what happened I was so drunk but I think it was OK. Makes me shudder to think, though.
Also, quite a few cars got trashed en route from Chesterfield town centre to home about 10 - 15 years ago. Mirrors, wipers, aerials, panels, tyres... Ashamed of that, I am.