Forum menu
Well I had a 'dragons egg' for lunch but I guess that's well ahead of the main cargo. One of the girls across the corridor is doing slim fast so I've found a tin of that. Would that help?
I need a poo already but I think it's just excitement.
One of the girls across the corridor is doing slim fast so I've found a tin of that. Would that help
A couple of lines wouldn't hurt.
🙂
A stinky arse is no excuse for bad breath - so neck a few packs of sugar free mints
All well and good gassing each other out on the way there, but the poor 'soles at the other end, innocent victims
Best thread in ages this one, tears rolling down my face
Awesome thread.
Am hoping the op manages to get to the end of the journey without having to deep clean the seats.
Amazing work everyone
I'm not usually one for toilet humour - but this thread has me crying. Thank you all!
Brilliant! Serve you right if you both shart though! Looking forward to the debrief!
One of the girls across the corridor is doing slim fast so I've found a tin of that. Would that help?
Drink the slim fast before you leave and it will be the icing on the cake.
Well the gaffer has just gone and I'm still here. There has been a lot of tooting going on this evening, but nothing too hideous from my end. One rotter from him judging by the look on the admin lady's face when she made an ill timed visit to his office. All in all though, it's the pre-fight weigh in verbal sparring before the killer blows are struck during the main event tomorrow.
Just pondering a last minute snack on the way home, perhaps a Rustlers burger from the all night garage, just to stop anything produced during the night from escaping north when it needs to be going south. Or another scotch egg? Journey starts at 1130 hrs tomorrow.
EDIT - Change of plan, just found a jar of pickled onions and a bottle of olive oil with chopped garlic in it. That'll help more than a microwave burger.
I swear I was so relaxed I actually felt a cooling breath of air go back in afterwards
cant. breathe. 😆
We are all rooting for you, may the farts be with you.
Good luck. If you're tucking into breakfast, add plenty of meat and don't chew too much. You're guts will find things harder to break down if you don't chew properly and the gas you get from those extra enforced chemical reactions is priceless...
I had a reputation for farting at school and once lost a friend to farting. She said she could never travel in a car with me again and we don't speak anymore.
For gods sake, make sure you keep an extra pair of pants in the car.
I predict the poo's n two's will be on by lunchtime
once lost a friend to farting
what a way to go
still, better to burn out than fade away
[img] 
[/img]
peajay - MemberBrilliant! Serve you right if you both shart though! Looking forward to the debrief!
A debrief after a shart, whilst necessary, is never something to look forward to.
There's going to be a Shart-astrophe in that car.
D-Day is upon us. A further element of gastric unpredictability has been added courtesy of an incident which kept me at work until four hours ago, and my opponent there until midnight. This has certainly confused my guts and I daresay his. I have a most impatient mole at the counter, but from a prone position it is impossible to tell if this will my usual 4-5 (on the Bristol scale) or something more akin to a broken ice cream machine. The first task will be getting safely from the bed to the bathroom without cutting loose. I am just waiting to hear the bolt slide across and the current occupant exit before I alight from the bed and run through the house like my cock's been caught by a fisherman. The one larks call emitted so far smelt merely like a slice of haslet, which would be like taking a small blunt knife to a gunfight. Hopefully there is better to come in a few hours time. Further updates in due course.
We await with baited breath, somewhat appropriately.
I'm guessing it's gonna be a "ghostie".
Slips out unfelt with the merest of whispers, enters the water like an olympic diver and gracefully submarines around the u-bend like a playful sealion, leaving no trace of it's existence. No wipe or flush required.
A rare and magical beast indeed. The unicorn of the shite world.
loughor
I believe the tune you're looking for is "Mick, me mate's the master farter, with his fuel injected double jointed arse.....
Im guessing it's going to be a ghostie
It wasn't quite that professional, but neither was it as rowdy and uncivilised as bats at dusk. The wife was next up in the bathroom, and on her way in she claimed it smelt like an Indian (the dish), and on the way out had a little tear in her eye. To my nose the pickled onion was the standout flavour, but on turning to look at it I was proud to see that the whole bowlful was British Racing Green. Not only does this bode well for later, but it adds to the sense of occasion for today's Calcutta Cup of flatulance between the boss and I. Unless his was blue with a white cross then I think the advantage is with me. But will his air warriors come flying forth in a disorganised and unruly wave led by the Bravefart and with countless blue faces in its wake, or will my ringpiece be forevermore known as Malleus Scotorum?
FREEEEBUM!
will my ringpiece be forevermore known as Malleus Scotorum?
Or Malleus Scrotorum, if things get violent enough.
As long as we don't end the day lying in a public courtyard with our intestines hanging out all over the place like Wallace on the executioners bench 🙁
Depends if your Grommit can handle the strain.
The one larks call emitted so far smelt merely like a slice of haslet
That's merely the opening suite of the paxo symphony, it doesn't kick in til you feel the timpani drums in your lower intestine, that's the start of the sage and onion overture.
You've still got a couple of hours til kick off. Clench man, clench.
As a last minute tip. If you have heated seats, use them. They add to the stench and give a satisfying after glow.
".....Scottish Fire and Rescue Service investigators have traced the source of ignition to the heated seat element in the car.
The road was subsequently re-opened to traffic two days later after extensive resurfacing works to repair the melted tarmac."
I need a poo already but I think it's just excitement.
Post of the century!
Feels a shame to FTFY...
I need a poo already but I think it's just [s]excitement[/s] excrement.
Bravo to TGA...I doff my cap to you, sir.
If you have to make an emergency stop make sure you park close to the entrance because it's really hard to run whilst clenching.
Well I'm back in work ready to go. Had a beef sandwich and a pork sandwich for breakfast, washed down with a bottle of Bru and eaten while walking the dogs to get it all churned up. Haven't farted for about an hour but my guts are starting to feel ropey so I'm optimistic that the timing is good.
He has not been for a dump yet as he says he is not going to afford me the courtesy of going for one before our trip, so there is a divergence in tactics here. Hopefully he will be reluctant to force anything out for fear of sharting, whereas I, having been for a poo earlier, can toot away with gusto once Smaug has woken from his current slumber. I hope this is soon as I don't want to have to send a troop of dwarves and a hobbit up there to provoke a reaction.
A word of caution, he may have one up on you here. I find that bottom burps are much more robust if they've had to elbow their way past a poo on the way to the surface.
can toot away with gusto once Smaug has woken from his current slumber. I hope this is soon as I don't want to have to send a troop of dwarves and a hobbit up there to provoke a reaction.
Worst. Magic. Ring. Ever.
On the upside, "hobbit's finger" is my new favourite euphemism for a dormant poo.
Should've had a bottle of Fursty Ferret....
There are occasions when it's not acceptable for policemen to drink alcohol at work. Even in Scotland. So there's been no ale at all.
Too late, alas, but I've just remembered that liver paté has a terrible effect on the bowel bugle.
Incidentally my cycling buddy is a gastroenterologist and since I've been cycling with him my understanding of and respect for the human gastrointestinal tract has increased dramatically. Did you know, for example, that the rectum is well supplied with nerve endings that enable the brain to distinguish between liquid, solid and gaseous rectal contents? Usually...
Also the large bowel and the gut have no local pain receptors but lots of nerves that sense stretching, which is important in allowing us to detect blockages. My buddy says they sometimes cauterise the inside of the bowel and this is the reason why they inflate the bowel with CO2, as air would of course cause an explosion if the spark ignited any methane present. CO2 is also more readily absorbed through the wall of the bowel than air, leading to less discomfort.
I look forward to this thread being read out at the double inquest.
Verdict: Death by misadventure.
There are occasions when it's not acceptable for policemen to drink alcohol at work. Even in Scotland.
'ealth and safety gawn mad.
'eath and safety gawn mad.
What's Ted Heath got to do with this?