[Closed] What is it with me?

Seems pretty natural to me. I think you always have one parent that you're much closer to.

don't beat yourself up over it, that said its probably worth having a try at getting on with him whilst you can?

Perhaps you have built up a psycological barrier to him due to the aformentioned shortcomings in your relationship with him?

If thats how you feel then so be it, I wouldn't be too harsh on yourself. You may howevr suffer guilt and remorse when he does die but then it will be too late so try to get as reconciled to him as you can while you can. He may have had issue of his own that made him a less than great father. Trouble at work, unhappy about something who knows.

Because it hasn't sunk in yet and you don't quite believe it ?

mr nutt makes a lot of sense,i,d try that if it was me.

Both wifes parents died of cancer. She has yet to shed a tear even after 5yrs. Seems things were not a happy lot 😕
Mine are now 79 and failing so I am unsure of how things might be with me.
Maybe similar re my dad but mum ❓

He may change in the coming weeks and finally need you. However I think Mr Nutt is correct.
Then when he has passed away you cannot say you didn't try.

Thanks for all the above.

I do get on with him and we've never fallen out but as we've nothing in common conversations only seem to last 10 minutes before we run out of things to talk about.

I guess it's because he was a strict prison officer he must have brought his work home with him.

yep id try again with him..... otherwise you will feel even more guilty for 'not trying' when he has passed away ! then its too late...

Everyone deals with things differently. You don't have to follow the (five?) stages of grief. Do what you do. As has been said try and help him or spend a little time with him if you can, or be there for other friends or family who deal with it harder.

All the best

roper

A few weeks before my Father died. I went round to his house and we sat together in silence just looking through old photo albums. You don't always need words.

So you think your Dads a miserable git..

Well, I really hope you snap out of it and don't become your 'Dad' to your children..

Cheers neverfastenuff.

I don't have/want kids to be a miserable git to anyway.

John, make the most of your time together now mate as you don't want to feel bad for any reasons after he's gone.

chin up fella

it sounds like you and your dad had a fairly normal relationship. didn't get on great, nor particularly poorly. not saying it wasn't what it could've been but hey.

you've not shed a tear yet. he's still alive, it's not happened yet but when it does it will change the way you feel. but you might still not shed a tear...

your feelings are what your feelings are, and they are liable to change wildly, you can't beat yourself up about them.

my mum died of cancer 5 years ago, and the disease was in and out of her life for the previous 3-4 yrs. in that time i've had a very emotional 15 minutes within a week after she died, lots of numb feeling times, a very few slightly hysterical happy thoughts, and a couple of chokey thoughts (her first grandaughter etc) not a lot considering we had a great relationship and i still miss her. however its just the way i am and the way i've felt. nowt i can do about it.

my advice would be enjoy the relationship you've got while you can.
but don't beat yourself up about how your feeling and expect a lot of mood swings.

Why was your father always working, was he in a job that he didn't actually like but had to work long hours to provide for his family? Its no excuse for neglecting his children etc but there are always two sides to every story. Why don't you ask him why he was a miserable g!t, you both have nothing to lose and everything to gain if you can resolve some of your feelings.

Good luck whatever happens.

Why don't you ask him why he was a miserable g!t

Just talking to a work colleagues cousin re work colleague being same, miserable as his father was 🙄

Sorry - Trekster but I'm not in the slightest bit miserable in my approach to life, he made me that way because I never wanted to be like him.
So, I suppose I have something to thank him for.

Update - I cried like a baby for the first time today when we moved Dad on his last journey from his hospital ward to a nearby hospice after the doctors and specialists have withdrawing all "active treatment".

The unknown infection he's now got hasn't cleared up with the use of antibiotics and even if they did work the growing stomach, liver and now pancreatic cancer will kill him.

So much for the 3 to 6 months, the first post was 3 weeks ago 😥

My dad was diagnosed with Lung Cancer on November 1st 2008 given 6 months to a year but died at 6.20 on Christmas Eve.

Bloody miserable sod but I do miss him sometimes. I think a few blokes of his generation had a lot of shite to put up with and maybe resented the easy life subsequent generations had.

Chin up fella, better to go quick than have a protracted painful illness I reckon, make your peace with him while you can.

"make your peace with him while you can"

Sorted

Sorry about the grim news John 🙁

I suggested three weeks ago that perhaps it hadn't sunk in yet and that you couldn't quite believe it. It sounds as if it might have hit you now. Just try and spend time with him for the remaining days he has in this world. Try and make him as comfortable as you can. Afterwards you will feel that you did what you could for him.

That's what I did when my father was on his death bed. I held his last glass of red wine and his last cigarette to his lips when he was far too weak to hold them. And yes, he too was a miserable git who made life very difficult for me. But he was my father. That was 17 years ago and I still really miss the old bugger.

Take time off work if you have to. This is precious time you can never get back.
Just be with him. Ask him questions. If you can bear it tell him you love him, do it in a jokey way if needs be.

I wish you "Bon Courage" JohnClimber.

Bunnyhop - I did seek (professional) advise on whether I should tell my father that I loved him when it was clear that he only had hours left to live. I was advised only to act and talk to him as I normally would. And any stuff like that which wasn't how I would normally to talk to him, would just add stress for him.

John, my dad passed away in April and I was shocked by the force of my grief, I just couldn't stop crying. Sometimes we mourn more for what we didn't have.

You can only regret what you didn't do when he has gone so don't let yourself. I miss my dad terribly after losing him in January.

Thanks all.

Off down to see him again now and will stay until the end.

John I know this probably won't be much comfort but for all your sakes the sooner his pain is over the better.
My father died nearly 11 years ago of cancer and it was a horrible lingering death. It really tore me apart seeing him suffer so much, christ I'm even welling up as I type.

Probably worse for me as he really was like a best mate & I still miss the old fool every day.

At least you have made peace with him & I can confirm that you are not a miserable git John, TBH your one of the most irritatingly chipper people I know.

Good luck mate it won’t be easy

I feel the same way with my Sister-she hates me and pretty much anyone for being alive.

I don't hate her, but I will not shed a tear when she passes away-it's her loss.

Everyone has reasons for their behaviour. Thing is do you want to know why he is like that? could be the way he is/brought up etc.

Sort things out now while you can talk. If you want to that is.

a sad story john, i feel for you.

all the best mate :-/

MrOvershoot - Member
I can confirm that you are not a miserable git John, TBH your one of the most irritatingly chipper people I know.

That's the nicest insult anyone has ever said about me.

BTW, he's still hanging in there but sleeping 95% of the day, my sister and I are at his bedside. More tears today but only when I talk to other people outside the hospice or on the phone.

I went for a couple of loops of Follow the Dog just 8 miles away this morning at first light to try and clear my head.

Message for anyone from the Photo A Day 2009 Flickr pool who looks in here, I know a few do here is todays and yesterdays photos as I can't acess my account from this borrowed laptop for some reason.
http://www.flickr.com/groups/onephotoeveryday/pool/

[img] [/img]
"Early Morning Bike Ride"

[img] [/img]
"Shindlers Lift"

JohnClimber - Member
More tears today but only when I talk to other people outside the hospice or on the phone

It was exactly the same for me John, I think it's part of trying to be "strong" for those around you.
I found myself telling almost complete strangers all about my father then having to stop as I was too upset!

he's still hanging in there but sleeping 95% of the day, my sister and I are at his bedside.

Sounds like he's not suffering at all ....... lots of morphine, plenty of sleep, and his children by his bedside - more could he want !

Sadly though, it seems as if the suffering of those close to him has now really began 😐
But don't keep the emotions bottled in John, they need to come out. And the more you let them out, the quicker you can move on. Emotional limbo is not at all a good place to be...

I have come late to this thread band can't really add much except to say that some things just are - don't beat yourself up - everyone handles things differently. There is no right or wrong - there just "is"

Good words from Ernie above

Bit late on this one as well but I'd like to reinforce the advice you've had not to beat yourself up about not feeling like you think you should or how other people think you should. Emotions are strange things. I didn't get particularly upset when my folks died however it kind of hit home and came out after the funerals. You might find the same. Also its OK if you don't particularly like your dad. Its possible to love someone without liking them.

I'm with TJ (again!)

I'm the same at times of crisis. I feel practically no emotion. When close family have died, I have felt just about nothing at the time. But it will come out in the end,so if you find yourslef wobbling weeks or in my case months down the line, be prepared.

Love transcends everything.

I'm sitting on the train on my way back down to london to fly back to NZ having sent off my dad on wednesday. I'd like to apologise to the rest of carriage M on the 09:55 Kings X from Edi for bubbling away while i type this,. Actually, i don't care.
My dad was diagnosed with Mesothelioma last December 19th, i know the date as it was exactly 12 months before i was due to be married. He died peacefully last Thursday at 1pm. I was in NZ when he died as there was no way I could get back in time and quite frankly i didn't want to, my mum and sister were with him. I hadn't spoken to him for a few weeks for various reasons but that doesn't bother me. He knows I loved him, and vice versa. We didn't exactly have a rip roaring time and he did some amazing damage to the family but at the end of the day he was and still is my dad. As I sat in the crem on Wednesday looking out at the sun shining I made a promise to myself that I would live my life to the absolute max as he certainly did not. My mum is amazing and she deserved better but you play with the hand you are dealt and we will continue on with this life thing we do. I shed tears for him butr mostly remembered all the cool stuff we did when i was little. God bless you dad.

hi john - sorry to hear the news...

we lost my mum to cancer this June, one day all is well, the next mum's in hospital, ten day's later it was the wheatfields hospice is leeds and she died one day later, i managed my emotions all the way though this until i left the hospice and i fell to pieces in the hospice car park in front of my best mate (who had offered to collect some of my things/clothes etc and drive them over from chester to leeds) - and again in front of family/people at the crematorium do, i think i was the only person in the room who didn't cry - i guess we all just handle things differently in a own way

i too did a few 'clear the head' rides during the period she was in hospital, fortunately we had time to get folks round to visit and see mum before it was too late

take it easy fella...

cp

Thoughts are with you John, we lost Mrs Catfoods mum yesterday to exactly the same cancer, slept then drifted away, she was lovely.

A lot of men of our fathers generation find it hard to show their emotions, they love us just as fiercely though.

Thanks all, I've been fine all day today now I'm crying my eyes out again as I read the above posts.

I'm sitting here 4 days in at his bedside as we listen to the most boring 0 - 0 Charlton v Oldham match on the Iplayer, (we both support Leeds so come on Oldham).

I'm heading home later for a couple of nights at home as the doctors have told us (Sister & I) that we need a break and he might last for another week or so.

Thanks for STW for the advert just to the right as I write this
[u][b]Leeds Funeral Director[/b][/u]
A Family Run Business Est. 1808 Leeds / Wetherby / Garforth

I'm so sorry mate. For me, the concept that I'd be leaving someone behind to deal with all of the grief far outweighs the thought of dying. I can't imagine how tough it must be at the mo. This place is a godsend though - use it as your sounding board and it'll help for sure.

Petesgaff

Cheers Mark (Petesgaff)

Just heard from my sister that he's looking weaker each day, the hospice he's is in is Katherine House at Stafford it's a fantasic place to spend your last day's. The people who work there are living saints. http://www.khhospice.org.uk/

We are currently living our lives not one day at a time but 1/2 a day at a time, just waiting for "[b]that[/b]" phone call. I'm heading down to see him every couple of days and my sister does the others. It's hard work but has to be done.