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Thanks @reluctantjumper, and others. I was terrified after reading your Dad's last hours, hers were much more peaceful, although the few days before she was moved to the trauma care unit were in hindsight more like yours.
My Dad's in beat yourself up mode sadly, as I posted a couple of days ago she was let down by care in the first place and 'if I'd pushed harder/sooner for another opinion it might have been different', etc. Not nice, @TJ I'm messaging you privately if you don't mind.
But, life now goes on. We laughed a bit last night after Dad got home, cried a bit, remembered good things, and started to make a plan. Unfortunately due to the situation above there may be coroner involvement so we've been warned they may not release her to the funeral directors immediately. Part of me just wants to get on, part of me feels there are questions that must be answered, if not for her but so someone else in a similar situation gets better outcomes.
if not for her but so someone else in a similar situation gets better outcomes.
this is key. Most folk that have medical mishaps actually want an apology and to know action has been taken to stop it happening again.
In a way I was lucky ( !!!!) in that for me there is no if but or maybe. Nothing would have altered the outcome
A good death should be a human right IMO. We are all going to die at some point. Why should we die in pain fear and distress. Its unnecessary.
Jonv - fire away on the PMs.
Jonv – fire away on the PMs.
Having written quite a long, in some places cathartic essay to you, you may regret that shortly.
A good death should be a human right IMO. We are all going to die at some point. Why should we die in pain fear and distress. Its unnecessary.
Totally. Sadly, also something my mum firmly believed too, and yet was until the last day or two when things went peaceful, denied.
Been a hard few days unfortunately.
Dealing with all the funeral stuff and starting to get on with the Executor role too has been a struggle. Some companies have been great about it all, HSBC and Santander were brilliant for example, but others have been a nightmare. Virgin Money and EE being the standout ones so far, VM having no physical presence to go to and their call centre seemingly being inaccessible unless you put in your account number and passcode. EE are just dragging their feet for no reason whatsoever and are another one that won't let you do anything in a store, all via a 'dedicated' online portal that is just awful.
Have managed to get away for two days though to collect my thoughts, one was a day at the Classic Car Show at the NEC but I was too numb to really enjoy that much and hardly spoke to anyone on the stands all day. Did get a ride in a McLaren 720S and a MkII Jaguar which helped but once those were over it was very much just mindless wandering, very unlike me. The day was also soured somewhat by a YouTuber I like saying something in the stage that really upset me and I stewed on it all the way home so not a great end. Also managed a day to see a mate for a chat and a pub lunch, that was good and very much needed. Had a few laughs that day but getting back to the tasks in hand the next morning just brought a lot of stuff back. I've also had a bit of a run-in with my uncle who is a complete idiot but that is still ongoing so will wait until that's resolved before annoying myself typing out the details. It's pushed mum's progress back quite substantially so that's a headache I could well do without right now, she was doing really well but thanks to her health issues one setback is enough to undo all the good in one fell swoop.
On a positive note I did a visit to both hospital wards that looked after dad during his last few weeks to drop off some Thank You sweets and they were both happy to have their efforts appreciated. The least I could do as they were all superb throughout.
@theotherjonv - hope things are moving along your end better than mine and that TJ's offer has helped you.
We had Dad's funeral on Wednesday, 22nd November.
It was incredibly tough to get through, partly for saying our final 'Goodbye' to him but also personally because I had pretty much taken charge of organising it. It wasn't a solo effort but I had taken the role of sole contact for everyone as it took the pressure off mum (she's bipolar so stress really affects her) and so that my sister could still cope with work and her young family. Everything seemed fine until the day before where two issues cropped up with the Order of Service: a nickname he never used appeared on the front cover and a different version of one of the Psalms was used that didn't match the music we had organised. Neither could be fixed so close to the day but it did upset mum rather a lot. Pretty easily got around, the nickname was Mick and dad went by Mike so we put it down to a misreading of handwriting and the Psalm was spoken instead of sung. Speaking it actually worked out just as well and a few of the mourners said it was a nice touch so that actually worked in our favour! I didn't have any active role during the day, just making sure to keep everything on track as I'm completely useless at public speaking. Thankfully my sister is great at the visible stuff so she took on a lot of that and a few friends helped out too, all without being asked to. The whole day flowed without any issues, even us leaving the Church for the Crematorium late wasn't a problem as they was running late and we turned up on perfect time to just go straight in.
What absolutely made the day though was that a few of our family friends made a massive effort to be there and not to support us, they were there primarily for Dad. It meant every part of Dad's life was represented by someone: his family of all generations, his pre-marriage life, his married life, his life with me and my sister, his work life, his retirement life and his social life. We even had a few of the people who knew him purely from him walking the dog and didn't know his name, he was 'Domino's Dad'. That's damn good going for an 84 year old.
We're all just taking a few days to relax now, not worry about anything and just let the stress and shock of the last few weeks drain away. Back to the job of sorting out his affairs next week though and then I've got to start finding a new job, perfect time of year for that.
Again thanks to everyone for the help throughout the 4 years this thread has been running, it's really helped focus things when it's been needed. Hopefully anyone else going through similar can make use of it, whether that's some of the advice given or just knowing that they're not alone at that point in time, regardless of how they feel.
hope things are moving along your end better than mine and that TJ’s offer has helped you.
TBH, not really but for reasons I can't really go into. One day though
We were at the funeral directors today sorting out arrangements. I think we made progress, and probably laughed a bit too much for propriety. Fortunately the coordinator is a friend of my sister, and I went to school with the guy whose name is over the door, who dropped in to say he was personally going to direct the funeral for us. So they know what we're like as a family.
Few more decisions to make, but getting there with funeral date set for 12/12.
It meant every part of Dad’s life was represented by someone: his family of all generations, his pre-marriage life, his married life, his life with me and my sister, his work life, his retirement life and his social life. We even had a few of the people who knew him purely from him walking the dog and didn’t know his name, he was ‘Domino’s Dad’. That’s damn good going for an 84 year old.
That sounds a life well lived. Try and remember that in the darker times.
The memories of his last few weeks are starting to dull and be overtaken by the good stuff, nowhere near enough yet but it is progressing.
@theotherjonv - my family have a similar outlook on these types of situations. Managed a few laughs most days while arranging things and the Funeral Director said it was refreshing compared to the usual seriousness they encounter. As for the planning, it'll be a slog for a bit but once the basics are decided the rest will fall in place around it. The best advice I can give is to not overcomplicate it and don't expect perfection, trust their judgement if you're unsure.
and probably laughed a bit too much for propriety.
No such thing. Humour is good. Julie and I made some very sick jokes 🙂
Lost my mum last night to cancer, along with pneumonia she picked up after having chemotherapy at least it was quick within an hour of the hospital ringing she was gone 😢
That sucks. Take care of yourself.
Thank you ❤️
Sorry to hear that dirtboy
Dirtyboy - thats tough. take your time to process it all. Everyones grief is their own and different but there are also common factors.
I have put most of what I can say in this thread but I will just reiterate - if you need help with a broken head get it. You wouldn't refuse help for a broken leg.
Condolences dirtyboy. Things do fall into a kind of perspective over time.
I would like to thank those who have contributed to this thread, I have found it helpful, largely in forcing me to think about planning ahead on more than a financial level for my own demise. Which is not imminent I suppose, but kind of just over the horizon.
Planning ahead? I want my ashes put in a giant firework and blasted over the crowd of mourners 🙂
I'd have thought you'd be better being divided into multiple smaller amounts and loaded into a giant repeater so that you can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.....
😉
serious thoughts with dirtyboy and echo the 'get your shit sorted out soon' advice, both on here but also Martin Lewis.
My mum had will and also LPOA and my Dad sorting finances for them both so has been easy, but we never properly had the chat about stuff that I wish we had now - down to hymns, music, etc.
We have will and LPOA for my Dad.
My wife and I have mirror wills, but we must get LPOA's. If I had a stroke later today and became incapacitated she'd have to jump through all sorts of hoops to get at my financials to be able to continue to pay bills and stuff.
Really sorry for the loss dirtyboy, and jumper.
I've been reading this thread recently as my dad is going through treatment. It's all consuming. I visited home again this weekend and went to visit my mum who is fighting hard against her dementia. I think seeing them both the way they are has hit me hard this last couple of days.
Condolences @dirtyboy, hope dealing with it isn't too difficult.
I’ve been reading this thread recently as my dad is going through treatment. It’s all consuming. I visited home again this weekend and went to visit my mum who is fighting hard against her dementia. I think seeing them both the way they are has hit me hard this last couple of days.
I didn't have this as I was seeing dad at least once a week but my sister had it hit her hard the first time she saw him struggling in hospital. She was only visiting every 2-3 weeks and was limited on the time she spent there thanks to her kids so it was relatively easy for dad to summon up the energy for that time then go to bed exhausted afterwards. She didn't really believe me on how he was until she saw him struggle to get out of bed and shuffle the few metres to the toilet.
Be prepared for them to be the same for a while but also look out for rapid drops in their condition, it can happen fast and without warning. Have you got a trusted neighbour or friend of theirs you can use to keep an eye on them if they live a decent distance away from you? I used my parent's neighbours to keep an eye on how often or not dad left the house with the dog, put the bins out (or not) and whether the papers were being taken from the letterbox every morning. Was invaluable in keeping the bogger picture in sight despite me visiting every few days and definitely helped catch a few things early over the last few months.
Planning ahead? I want my ashes put in a giant firework and blasted over the crowd of mourners 🙂
I’d have thought you’d be better being divided into multiple smaller amounts and loaded into a giant repeater so that you can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on…..
😉
I needed a laugh and that delivered 😁
My dad is talking himself.down the spiral. He was always clever, times cryptic crossword done over breakfast.
Losing it now, mum says there's times he just stands or follows her. Definite frustration in conversation yesterday when talking bills.
But every time I see him there's talk of estate, when I'm gone, probably not here next year etc apart from the old man memory (possible early dementia) he's not I'll but
Unfortunately I am here in England and my parents are back home in Belfast, so this is a lot more difficult for me. He is a completely closed book. He continues to tell me he is alright, but I know he is struggling, despite his tough exterior. Also, work want me to book time at home as holiday despite the fact I can work from home, and typically do most of the time.
stcolin - you need to have a look at your contract and personnel policies. If you can work from home then why do they even have to know you are in England not Belfast? they should have a policy of carers leave / flexibility for those with caring responsibilities which you now have
My mother ended up with several large tumours in her stomach - and even had names for them...
She decided to eschew chemo and embrace the upcoming 'clean' end rather than wait for dementia/alzhemers, etc.
She arranged her own burial/gravestone/funeral - the stone mason said it was refreshing to deal with the 'client' - although he actually committed suicide himself before the headstone was finished by driving his van off the cliffs at Brighton.
I get to draw this to a close today.
Friday we did the internment of my dad's ashes at the local church. A private ceremony with my mum my sister and myself only. Just a short 10 minute ceremony but it has definitely brought it all to a close, especially for mum. Dad is now sat in a field 200m from the family house he bought as a confirmed batchelor, moved into on my parent's 1st wedding anniversary after completely renovating it and where we will always call 'Home'. He has direct line of sight of his favourite view of the mountains, the same as he had every morning from the kitchen window and the view he used in his latter years to check he could still see ok as he ate his breakfast.
I have got a small amount of his ashes kept back so that a part of him can be taken on two special trips. The first is a final walk with the dog and a drink at his favourite pub, those were accomplished today. The second is he wanted one final ride on his favourite steam railway, the. Blaenau Ffestiniog Narrow Gauge. It's the trip he and mum took on their honeymoon and what we did as a family for his 80th too, he had a lifelong obsession with steam trains and adored that line. As soon as I can I will take him on one last trip up and down the line then leave the ashes there, where exactly is to be figured out.
I won't be updating anything on this thread about any of that though but if people want to continue using it for their experience with similar experience then carry on. I'll chip in if I feel I can add anything.
Again, thanks to everyone that has contributed with advice, support and anyone else that just said they were going through similar situations. It all helped. Now I've got to start rebuilding myself after all the effort I've expended, mentally and physically I'm not in a good place but those are both things that can be changed. Dad's estate is nearly completed, thankfully an easy one, and the focus is now on mum. 2024 will be different and slightly lonely.
Lovely post
How about asking the train driver if his ashes can go in the firebox on the train?
but it has definitely brought it all to a close,
odd the calm it brings. Took almost 9 months to decide what to do with Dads ashes. Think part of mum & I were thinking its not real til that final moment.
I was reading the post thinking you should ask if they could keep your Dads ashes on the train so he could ride the track forever too.
You can get ashes incorporated in glass, for jewellery or similar. Maybe something small like that which could be mounted in the cab somewhere and as FB said, then he can be a permanent part of the railway
I've got to contact the railway about options, sending the ashes through the firebox or getting them made into a glass bird and placing it somewhere along the line is a consideration. All depends upon what they are allowed to do as I know they have done things for people before but not for a few years. Worst case scenario is I scatter them in one of two spots dad liked so he can watch the trains forever more.
This is going to sound a weird comment but it's cropped up and now I have to ask. Because I like words and language
he can watch the trains forever more
Is it forever more, or for evermore? I'd have said forever more as RJ did but then when we got the service notes for my Mum's recent funeral (the officiant checking she had names and pronunciations right, etc.) I noted she had as one of her blessings 'she will remain in our hearts for evermore'
And I've looked on line and both are used and IDK if there's a difference in meaning (other than for evermore *seems* to be the older version / more ecclesiastical / possibly therefore more likely to be right and the other has crept in)
Sorry, not wanting to derail (ouch, also not meant) but when I saw it written down again it reminded me so i thought I'd ask.
We're almost certainly going to do some small jewellery with Mum's remains in that the kids can have, and then scatter some in places where she felt happiest or at home.
Can I reluctantly join the team "worried for a parent"?
My 80 year old father spent yesterday in A&E with happy heart and blood pressure super high. He's got significant issues with prostate, pre diabetic/possibly diabetic, dodgy heart valve which has put him in atrial fibrillation a couple of times now, high blood pressure and likely hemochromatosis (won't get diagnosed).
In addition one of his sister's died in Jan 23, brother died in Australia October 23 and another sister last week. He was due up here at the weekend for my son's 21st, then down to South Wales for his sister's funeral. I'm worried for his mental health too.
I'm 300 miles north of him, and while my sister and family live close by, it's not the same.
We've a tour of the Hebrides booked for the first week of May. He really wants to get there as it was the last holiday he and my mum planned which she never made because of f*&+@#+g cancer.
Yesterday gave me a wobble about it all and what the future holds. He's been a pillar of the family and physically strong for so long - but the last 3 years have seen such a nose dive in his health.
I find it helpful to regularly remind myself that aged parent (-in-law) is going to decline and die regardless of what anyone does. Might seem a bit morbid, but it's no tragedy when someone gets old and dies - the tragedy might be if they don't get old first, or if they have a particularly traumatic time of it. My aim is to help make the process as comfortable and stress-free as possible, for aged parent and also for myself. I can't stop them declining and dying.
I hope that others in the thread including OP, but this seems the most appropriate thread, don't mind me continuing to post in here.
My father buried one sister on Friday in south Wales but then rushed with his younger sister to the oldest sister in the channel islands, just in time to hold her hand as she slipped away yesterday. While there they got a call to say that the oldest surviving sister has also been given hours/days to live. My poor, not so well and 80 years old father, and his younger sister are now heading to Nottinghamshire to see her, while also trying to sort a bunch of practicalities from the two deaths already.
My father is one of 9, and this will be four deaths within a few months, 5 within a year, and only two of them left.
He is feeling physically an emotionally exhausted, and I can just hear the confusion and pain in his voice. I understand that he wants to see his family (they are close as a family, even though apart geographically), but I am worried after his heart episode a couple of weeks back, and I think the deaths have him in a dark place about his future.
Just hard to see it all happen - and hard to be so far away from him.
All you can do is try to support him Matt. Can you take time off work? Family comes first
I'm just back from a fleeting visit - that's my dad lost 3 sisters in 4 weeks. The three of them were really close - both in age and the fact that they all trained together as nurses, all worked together until they started to get married, and more.
Dad has taken it really hard and expressed today many things he's not said before, including an acceptance that his time is looming 9 years after first cardioversion, 6 years since a second and multiple other health issues happening. He was almost feeling a burden today.
Really really hard day with a good few tears on both sides.
Sorry to hear that.
I wonder if half the worry of older parent health issues is a growing realisation of our own mortality.
Grandparents die when we’re young and you don’t really think about your own fate. My Dad died unexpectedly when I was in my early 40s, a shock to us but I was still young enough to not think about it.
My Mum turns 80 in a few weeks and she is slowing down- no major issues but a big change in the last few years. She’s lost one brother and his wife in the last few months and another brother is poorly.
Just hitting my late 50s now, has me thinking of the future - in the next 10 years I’ll be entering the age range my Dad, his sister, brother and father all died from heart attacks.
The biggest fear I have is our son. He has CP so it’s a worry who will care for him in our absence.