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Thanks reluctantjumper. She's being brave, but needs to let it out out occasionally.
Best wishes to all going through this at the moment.
Dad nearly went yesterday. Twice.
I was there to take mum shopping and he was sat in the lounge watching TV. We were meant to go at 12pm but mum wasn't feeling particularly 'with it' so instead I was outside giving her car a good valet while she had some lunch. Suddenly she yelled for me so I went rushing in to see dad still sat there but on the phone trying to talk to 999 that he had dialled as he was having chest pains (we've persuaded him to keep the phone beside him at all times for this exact reason) but as I was stood there I could see that he was going downhill rapidly. Before I could hear him finish a sentence he could no longer say words, his eyes were rolling back in his head and he was not breathing properly. I had to wrench the phone out of his hand and take over the call, counting his breaths for the operator and trying to keep mum calm at the same time. He completely stopped breathing at this point and we both thought he had gone at that moment. The operator told me to get him on the floor so I had to try and lever him out of the chair, not easy as he's 16 stone and my mum couldn't really help as she has no real strength. As I got him out of the chair his breathing barely restarted and he tried to mutter something but all that came out was a noise that I recognised as what some people call 'The Death Rattle'. As I was lowering him onto the floor one of his pegs refused to play ball so it twisted slightly and gave him a massive shot of pain, somehow this kicked him back into life and he started to breathe again after yelling out in pain. By this time the ambulance was arriving in the street but couldn't get outside out house as my mum's car that I had been cleaning was blocking the street and front door (narrow one way street) so I had to leave mum with him and quickly move it. As I got back in dad had again stopped breathing with mum crouching over him pushing on his chest and essentially saying goodbye. The paramedics took over from this point and somehow them doing their thing kickstarted dad breathing again. The next 10 minutes or so are a bit of a blur as I was more pre-occupied with keeping mum calm and dealing with an over-excited dog! All i know is they had him breathing within a few seconds somehow.
The paramedics managed to get him awake and conscious over the next 10-15 minutes and they could see that his vitals were steadily picking up so the immediate danger was gone. He was then taken to hospital but neither me or mum could accompany him due to Covid rules so I had to watch mum say bye to him in the ambulance and then look after her for the next few hours while we awaited any news. Thankfully he was fine by the time he got to hospital and they were happy to discharge him late last night so I went to pick him up, saying I'd phone him when I got to the main entrance. Except when I arrived he was stood at the roundabout by the main road without a jacket in 5 degrees with a cold wind! He said he didn't want me to drive too far and waste my petrol so had walked down there to save me the bother. Utter moron and I told him that.
So then he was home and carrying on like nothing had happened. Stupid bugger. The only information he'll give us is that they think his medication caused his blood pressure to suddenly drop so he's not to take ibuprofen with it any more. I think he's holding some information back and that he discharged himself instead of staying in overnight for observation. He keeps on saying he doesn't want to create a fuss! As we can't speak to the doctors or paramedics directly we have no choice but to take his word for it.
It was pure luck that it happened while me and mum were home. I shouldn't have been down, I only was there as I had taken the Mini to the garage in the morning to have it's wheel bearing done and if mum had felt fine we would have been out at the shops at that exact time. It was also pure luck the ambulance was so close, the crew were at the old station a mile away just about to start their break. The driver said their response time was 2m13s, amazing in a rural area. Somehow it just wasn't his time to go, although he tried to twice. I'm going back there today to see how things are but it's all a bit of a shock still.
The scary part is that both me and mum couldn't decide what was the worse outcome: him not making it or us knowing that at some point we're going to have to go through all of that again at some point. Doesn't bare thinking about really. She did agree that coming home from shopping to find him gone was the worse scenario. Either way the next few days are going to be hard.
Sounds like a tough day.
Without wanting to sound callous, do you know if your parents want to be resuscitated at times like this? Fortunately for me, my mum had made it very clear to everyone (formally and informally) that she did not want to be resuscitated. Although difficult to discuss and accept at the time, it made life a bit simpler in the end. That said, her prognosis was “short months” and then she contacted COVID so it was a very different scenario to the one you have.
Sorry if that comes across as uncaring
We have had that discussion before and both didn't want a DNR Putin their records officially at that stage. May be time to revisit it over the next week or so, thanks for the reminder.
Tough times, keep sharing on here if it helps you process it.
Both my in laws have requested DNR now. Its one of many conversations I need to have with my parents when we check their arrangements
do you know if your parents want to be resuscitated at times like this?
I was going to ask the same question. My mum has made it quite clear she doesn't.
As timbog said up there
I don’t think I have much I can offer, other than do not be too hard on yourself – there is no doubt you will do everything you can to make it better for them, and make sure that, just occasionally you get a break.
This is really important, there are no right and wrong decisions, you can only do your best and make sure that when you look back you know you tried.
The thing that I was left thinking was how valuable (and too often missing) dignity is in the last stages of life.
Stay strong rj (and everyone else dealing with similar).
Had a bit of a breakthrough with dad this weekend.
After the scare of him nearly going a few weeks ago he's been quietly thinking and contemplating a few things. Unbeknown to any of us he had made an appointment to meet with a representative from Marie Curie at his local pub one evening to talk through things. I don't know what they talked about but he left with a few leaflets and a small book specific to his type of cancer which he read over the course of a few days.
This weekend he called a family meeting and quietly apologised for a few things before talking for a few minutes about how this new information has made him realise that all of his symptoms he's having are normal and not down to medical negligence or errors. He was in a constant cycle of appointment, new medication, operation (two cataracts), blood tests and back to appointments where he always wanted to see improvements but would get all pent up and angry when it didn't happen. It really seems to have taken a massive weight off his mind and allowed him to relax a bit more, to accept what is happening to him and just get on with what he can. He's finally accepted that he won't go back to having 20:20 vision, his knees will never be perfect again, he will always suffer with a lack of energy, he won't be able to drive again and that no matter what he eats he will lose weight due to the cancer raising his metabolism.
It may only be a small thing but it will make things so much easier for us all. Mum should now be able to coax him to be more sensible, he'll be more accepting of help and we should be able to revisit the areas of DNR's, POA's and related stuff easier over the next week or two.
That is great progress rj. Anything that brings dignity to the chaos and confusion of terminal illness is to be welcomed.
Got a bit of an issue about to rear it's head in the next week or two, not with dad but with mum.
She's been bipolar for getting on 25 years now and this has led to her feeling very self-conscious whenever she goes out the house. She also has a history of panic attacks that sneak up incredibly quickly and with no pattern to them. For a long time dad would do the shopping and things like taking the car for a service so she never had to interact with other people in the outside world unless it was on her terms. As dad has been unable to do things like this for the last 2-3 years she did start to go out more often but on the occasional visit it was clear they hadn't been shopping for a while so either me or my sister would get some stuff for them. Usually basics like bread and milk. We never fully understood why they would run out as they live half a mile from the town centre and it has a few different places to get basics, you could even do a full shop if you put your mind to it. I did set them up with home deliveries when the moved back home after the flood damage had been repaired but it fell by the wayside as neither of them would do an online order in time for stuff to be delivered before they needed it (not helped by the severe lack of slots locally) and as I was not working we've sort of fallen into the habit of me taking mum shopping more often than not.
The issue now is that I'm about to go back to working again, agency work rather than a permanent position so I will not be able to plan days off and visits very well for the foreseeable future meaning mum will have to do the shopping more often on her own. She did one on Tuesday but has confided in my sister that she was petrified the whole time she was out. I fear that I just cannot rely on them to get food for themselves regularly enough right now without external help. Dad does go up to town most days but he rarely comes back with anything more than milk, he just doesn't think like that any more even though he thinks he does! In a weird way though they're not in danger of starving, they have far too many tins stashed in drawers for that to happen, but the basics will no longer be there and I really want to avoid them both turning into those people that live off tinned food only.
I really don't know how I'm going to manage the transition of me going back to work, mum will quite easily just stay indoors and dad isn't really up to taking over the shopping again even if he could travel to the supermarkets. I'm going to have to try and get them back into home deliveries somehow, that's going to be a battle.
Sorry to hear that, sounds like you've been doing a great job looking after your parents.
Can you do the online shopping for them? You could phone them to get their shopping list and then enter it yourself.
Alternatively, if they've got space for a chest freezer, stock it up periodically. 4 pints of milk can be defrosted in 24 hours, sliced bread the same or can be toasted from frozen. You could also get a weekly vegetable box delivered.
We also used a ready meal service for my mum before she had to go into a home after a bad fall - weekly delivery of frozen meals. I think we used Wiltshire Farm Foods
Have they a local milk man? Some now deliver extras like bread and eggs etc. Or newsagents? If ask/ maybe pay extra they could do regular drop for them?
They did have the local milkman delivering for a while but they (and the neighbours) were having issues with the milk not lasting more than a day or two so that was dropped. The papers are already delivered but the newsagents don't deliver anything else sadly. The issue with me doing the online order for them is that they decide what they want on the day and that they also use 3 different supermarkets: Aldi for cereals, meats and some basics; Morrisons for treats, other basics and mum's tobacco; Waitrose for a few luxuries and wash gear. Occasionally mum will want to raid Poundland too! It's the routine they fell into a few years ago and they are really reluctant to change it. Even it taking so long that some food defrosts while shopping didn't convince them, the solution to that was a powered coolbox for the car! As dad's a stubborn 82 year old and it's very hard to negotiate mum's mental health issues (she's also stubborn) it makes it a very tough tightrope to walk. Treat mum the wrong way and the Wall of Silence is put up, once that happens then don't think about breaching that subject for a few days at least!
Alternatively, if they’ve got space for a chest freezer, stock it up periodically.
They have two already and both are full, but never of anything they want. It's part of both of their hoarding tendencies, which has filled most of the house. When the flood happened early last year the second freezer was finally opened for the first time in years and lots of stuff had Best Before dates going back 10 years. One of the new freezers is heading for the same fate, being a store for the main one. It's not the most extreme example but during the tidy-up I found a box of unopened Kellogg's Corn Flakes dated 2015 and a 6-pack of crisps dated 2014, they were the youngest things in that cupboard. It's been a near-constant battle for the last decade.
Going there today so will have to see if the subject can be discussed sensibly or not.
Similar to Murray, I set up weekly delivery slots and every day asked what was needed and added it to the list for the next delivery. The most freely available were from Morissons, but that may have been because they had listed my relative as 'vulnerable' With Morrisons, I don't remember not being able to get a delivery. Sometimes I was able to get one in the next 48 hours.
Don't discount the local small shops. My in-laws call their local convenience store one day, and pick up the items they ordered the next, even mid pandemic. For a small fee it can be delivered. Once again, the price can be a bit high, but it is a cost worth paying.
Milk was delivered by a milkman. Can you get a regular delivery setup,? its a bit pricey, but takes constant 'fear' away.They often do other 'fresh stuff as well. I don't know where they are based, but check "Milk and More". I just checked their site to add the link and they do a lot more than milk. There is also a postcode checker at the bottom of the page
The hardest for us was fresh fruit/veg, but one of the neighbours would pick some up midweek when she was doing her weekly shop and I would drop some off whenever I went over. That said, the milk and more link shows a lot more variety than I remember. There is also the option to change the next days delivery (assuming you have one booked)
As things progressed further I added a extra freezer in to the mix. Meals from Cook are nearly all cooked from frozen, and the kids meals offer some 'balanced' meals with potatoes and veg. The Cook delivery system seems to be based on visiting some areas on set days of the week (Tuesdays and Thursday for us). This has the extra advantage of generally being the same driver each time so you can build a rapport, useful when you need heavier items carried to the freezer in the garage on some days. I guess being in her own home with a familiar face visiting may help you mums anxiety?
On a personal note, don't beat yourself up about not being able to plan in advance. My wife and I coined a phrase "no regrets". It was used when we knew we were in a difficult position and we had to go with our gut feel as to what the best option was. Looking back we did get some things wrong, but that was when we repeated the mantra "no regrets" i.e. you do you best at the time
Sorry, crossed post as I was making breakfast while typing so did not see your update. Hope there is still something in my post (maybe just the milk and more link) that helps
@reluctantjumper from this and some of your other posts I pick up familiar local places. Have you tried https://www.breconmilk.co.uk/delivery as he covers a pretty large area these days and will pretty much drop anything off.
Edit: because if they are Crickhowell way, friends in Cwmdu didn't find the local milkman there too good either a few years back.
Can I have a little offload in here?
I was furtunate to work in the same office as my dad for three year (yay nepotism!) until he was made redundant at 64 and 1/2 with a big fat payout etc. Has he been able to enjoy his retirement of marathon running, canoeing, cycling and paddle boarding or doting on my nephews during all of the above?
No, no he has bloody not. Prostate cancer first, had that whipped out under the knife then all of lock down battling lymphoma to be given the all clear, had about a month of lock down unstick before a bit of a heart valve broke free and he had to get it sewed back on after months of tooting a froeing. Since then he's had a rocky recovery with a number of pneumonia problems.
Has he been very chill about it? Yes actually him and my mum have been absolutely unbelievable. I on the other hand have been a anxiety riddled wreck! I can only imagine how hard it would be if they weren't doing what is good for themselves.
Venting on behalf of MrsMC who has just had the call to say her dad is on his last few hours.
Living independently at the start of the pandemic, albeit with heart problems, prostate cancer and caring for her mum who was starting to show dementia. Ended in separate homes, various falls and issues have had him in and out hospital this year, finally a heart attack last Thursday looks like being the end.
MiL was able to visit him yesterday and they had a decent hour in their own little world apparently, but since she left he's gone downhill rapidly.
Luckily all arrangements in place, and all agreed that if her pretty amazing dad was to pass away peacefully now it would be the kindest thing.
@joshvegas - dad did the same. Worked until he was 76 then retired only to get the cancer diagnosis 6 months later. Had been on to him for a while about winding things down but he didn't want to let down his clients.
@timber - Brecon Milk is the one we and neighbours had issues with, in Crickhowell.
Mum was having a bad day yesterday so couldn't really broach the subject, will have to try next visit.
That's unfortunate, friends and neighbours use them for milk, juice and bread.
Could try the shop at Llangynidr, Walnut Tree, think they do delivery. Surprised none of the Crickhowell shops have a town delivery service. Lot of the butcher's are doing delivery.
Crickhowell is only 15 minutes from me, so PM me for my number if you think I could help in a pinch. Best local curry house and Chinese are in Crickhowell anyway.
One in town does do deliveries but the owner is a convicted sex offender (historical inappropriate comments/behaviour put him on the list, nothing dangerous) so mum won't use it.
Thanks for the offer but my sister lives in Brecon so she can run stuff to them in emergencies plus a few family friends that would gladly help out on the odd occasion, it's more about getting them to accept a new shopping routine that makes their lives easier. We'll get there but it may need then to go without once or twice for the idea to sink in and stick.
My old man is approaching 80 and despite being generally very fit has a variety of body parts failing which means he can't do his normal pastime things like fishing, cycling, hillwalking or touring in the campervan (they just sold it with the realisation it isn't feasible any more). With covid lockdowns etc on top this has left him incredibly bored and frustrated and it's the mental struggle of failing body and not being able to do the things that he used to do which is the biggest thing affecting his quality of life, although the physical problems aren't helping either.
I'm trying to think of ways to counteract this frustration and boredom - anyone had similar experience and found a way to help ageing parents with this kind of thing?
Through no fault of your own this topic has made me cry, bringing back memories, sad ones of when my dad battled with terminal cancer. He got given only months to live but he managed a year and a half. I was 23 when he got diagnosed and was 25 when he died next to me in a hospital room full of specialists, he choked to death from blood he was bringing up. One nurse was crying at the sight and another told her 'this isn't a normal death, don't worry'.
I'm still not over it, my whole life changed overnight. With other life issues going wrong all at the same time. All I can say is that being there for them as much as you can is all that you can do. Anything they need you get it, anything they want you do it. My father and I were lucky enough to have a closer bond between each other during his illness, I'm also lucky enough to not regret my handling of the situation, as I thought I looked after him as well as I could. It's awful but you need to be the strong person.
Just picked my old man up from the Western General today.
He went in very ill, expected him to never get out actually, but a bit of care and he's back home.
Palliative care now and hopefully a quiet ending at home. Fingers crossed.
They reckoned 5yrs, he's had 3 1/2 but to be fair his decline was mainly in the last year, drastically in the last few months.
Tough one Brads but you do have a clear path now. Your role is to make that palliative care the best you can,. PM me if yo want to discuss off forum
Best of luck
Ffs this is bollocks to deal with eh ?
He went down again yesterday , blood count down to 61 ?? apparently very low.
Took him in today where the eventually decided to give him 2 units but wanted him into observe overnight.
No way , he is demanding to go home, and Mum is just agreeing with his wishes.
They have no carers or helpers coming in and he has already fell a few times as he can't do anything. ( I bodily lifted him into the car today)
Also turns out Mum isn't telling me everything in case I "interfere" which obviously I have.
She is unconcerned about her own welfare so is telling us nothing that is really happening.
He simply want to die at home and nothing is stopping him.
I'm a little pissed off as that means he doesn't think about my Mum, and she is going along with it.
Brother (not seen me in 4 yrs not seen parents in 1yr) came in yesterday, saw him and broke down so I left them to that.
Other brother, not a clue ! never heard from him in 2 yrs,
Neither helping in any way.
Uncle (Dads brother) widowed 3 weeks ago, now in hospital due to falling (doesn't eat, doesn't care, just drinks now)
Been in a fortnight, is now shouting that he's being held hostage and wants the cops ! lol
Complicated bollocks at that.
Edit to add, cancer can **** right ****ing off.
Awful for you brads, keep using this thread to let off steam.
Well things are taking a turn for the worse and really getting to me at the moment. Unsure whether it's due to things getting genuinely bad or it all just piling on top of other things that are going on right now.
First the good stuff. Mum has finally embraced doing shopping online, using it for basics and when she doesn't feel like going out to do a big shop. She still asks me to take her shopping every now and again but she is no longer putting things off and waiting for me to visit, so that's an improvement. That's the end of the good stuff.
Dad is really starting to deteriorate though. He's definitely showing further early signs of dementia: not being able to keep track of conversations, struggling with everyday tasks, struggling with where things in the house are and the big one is putting things back in the wrong place. Mum has found him putting random stuff everywhere, from the TV remote in the bathroom to oddball stuff in the fridge and freezer. His personality is changing too, essentially regressing towards child-like tendencies and getting very frustrated with stuff. He's also very low in energy, sleeping for 12 hours a night and taking multiple naps during the day. All this is putting a lot of stress onto mum as she has to deal with this all day, every day and the strain is showing in her. Mum has also had a flare-up of her skin condition so is in a lot of pain, especially when sleeping. This is all adding up to making the atmosphere at home a little tense at times. I took mum shopping this afternoon and as soon as we were heading back home all she could think of was having to deal with dad and his insistence to put it all away. Trouble is he is putting it all away in odd places: frozen stuff in cupboards, cereals in the fridge, that kind of thing so mum has to wait until he's put it all away and sat down in the lounge. She then goes round moving everything to the right place before anything comes to any harm. If you try and stop dad doing this or try and correct him the child-like tendencies rear their head and he goes into a strop, denying he's doing anything wrong and reiterating that he's not useless over and over.
All of this is making me wary of going to visit them, even though I know I need to. I'm coming away from there every time in a very poor mood, fearful of where this is ultimately ending and worried about what will have got worse the next visit. My sister is pretty sure I'm reading more into it than is there but she is only ever there for 1-1.5hrs and with her kids so mum and dad are on form, she doesn't really get to see them at their worst or even shortly after she leaves where they both pretty much collapse with exhaustion from the mental workout they go through to keep themselves both functioning well. The result is I'm really struggling with mustering the energy to go visit them, which is not a good thing! It's all just adding another layer to my normal stresses from still trying to find permanent work and not having much time to do things I want to do. I've hardly ridden the bikes all summer, visiting friends has been difficult and the only real release I've had all summer (taking my Mini out for a drive) will no longer be there from today. Times are looking a bit bleak and we haven't got into the realities of winter for mum and dad, which I know they will both struggle with. How they will cope with any re-imposition of any Covid restrictions I don't know.
Really don't know what to do about anything right now on any front, there's no obvious path through let alone an easy one. All that above is a bit rambling and incoherent but that's the best I can do at the moment.
@brads - hope things are improving for you at the moment.
Thinking of you brads and reluctantjumper.
I know exactly how you feel about all that. My mum has been suffering with Alzhiemers for about 7 years now. With my parents back in Belfast and me here in Manchester it makes it even more difficult to manage from a personal level and a family one. All you can do is support and be as normal as possible. I am waiting for the call to say that my mum now needs more help. She currently goes to a day centre every other week which is not enough. Ny dad needs more support too. Frustratingly I get kept in the dark about all the little details. My dad tries to protect me I think. I spoke to him last week and he told me she is now talking to herself and people who aren't there. She doesn't really recognise me on the phone now. But all you can do is try and treat them as normal as possible.
Keep the head up, you're doing all you can.
JUst in case it helps someone else...
My dad has been slowly going downhill for a while - forgetfulness and losing his mobility (not helped by the fact that he is also nearly totally blind, so can't do a lot of stuff to keep his mind active like reading etc). He was stuggling to stand from a dining chair, and developed a bad cough after eating - almost like choking.
Long story short it turns out that some of these symptoms are Parkinsons Disease. I thought it was just shaking but apparently not - he doesn't have that as a symptom. Is now on pills for it that have made a significant difference to mobility, eating and even cognition. He is still forgetful, but will now join in and follow a conversation, which he had stopped doing. Mum says he is sleeping far less as well (was 15+ hours a day at one point).
Worth knowing, if like me you think Parkinsons was only Michael J Fox / shaking hands etc.
Well finally he is in the house in a hospital bed downstairs with carers 4 times a day.
At last I can semi relax.
Been a tough few months that have resulting in some clashes with my mother but hopefully it will calm down till the end now.
No more treatment so hopefully it all goes easy for him now.
My MIL is getting pretty bad with Alzheimer's. My other half has pretty much moved in with her now. At the end of August she fell and hurt her back and since then it's been one thing after another, last week she was in hospital for 5 days with pneumonia. For the last two or three weeks she has been very weak and tired, not eating much and visibly losing weight. She's very demanding now, I want to go outside, it's too cold, I want to go in, I want the TV on, turn it off, put some music on etc. She's always been a very busy person, so she can't cope with sitting and doing nothing. We're looking at a care home and scraping together the money the care home require for the first five months or so and getting the house in a sellable condition. We have two teenage kids, who are no trouble at all thankfully but I've never been so tired. It's relentless.
Well i think it's starting here. Dad gave me his retiral watch (bought with some of his lump sum) mum called today to ask if i'd be a name on an account so if something happened to her there'd be monay to look after my father.
I mentioned powers of attorney but she doesn't want that yet. Real concern is dad does all the bills etc online and mum barely knows where the on button is.
I managed to arrange POA for my dad (both financial and health). Luckily for me my uncle Dick (not really an uncle but close family friend), told my Dad that he'd done it for his kids. He was amazing and without him I doubt Dad would have signed.
Even reassuring Dad that it is only comes into force when the person is incapable did not have the same impact as that chat over coffee with Uncle Dick.
My advice is to see if one of your parents friends can help you with it if possible. Explain that you can't do anything with it while they remain well but if suddenly something happens you will not be able to act for them.
When my Dad did sign it and I did think it was touch and go whether he had enough mental capacity ......
I cannot state how important Power of Attorney is..just coming to end of all of this..lost Dad in 2011 after a long illness,peacefully at home thankfully and Mum was insistent in all us 5 children having P.O.A over both her finance and health issues..6 years later when Mum was reduced overnight from being fit and active to a semi-paralysed,brain damaged and nearly blind wreck from a series of strokes it allowed us to deal with her immediate needs,get her out of hospital(which was clearly upsetting her) and into a nice nursing home to look after her,to be able to pay her bills,rent out her house and do all the things that needed to be done with the minimum of fuss..she left us in March of this year after nearly 4 years of watching her slowly fading away,,the person she used to be long gone.. but we can look back and know that we did the very best we could and I'm sure Dad would be proud of us.
Please Please Please get your POA sorted out,you may never have to use it but if you do it is a godsend...I simply cannot imagine how we could have coped otherwise
That's good to read @brads, any positive steps are always good.
RE: POA - still having a battle with dad about that, or more my sister is. He keeps on shutting me down whenever it comes up so I have backed away from that issue for a while. We need to get it sorted soon as I fear he will go downhill fast and he takes care of all their household finances. Mum is currently able to take over if needed but that's no guarantee in the future so will talk it over with my sister at the next opportunity.
My dad passed away last week after a couple of years of ill health followed by a rapid decline, still a bit raw but was glad I was allowed to visit the hospital for the last couple of days. He went in a couple of weeks before for a precautionary CT scan & MRI in case his recent symptoms were another stroke - apparently they weren't but he did have dysphagia that caused an aspiration and resulting lung infection.
With recent Welsh hospital Covid restrictions we weren't allowed to visit until he deteriorated enough to go into end of life care, that was pretty tough to take as he couldn't really speak on the phone before and wasn't responsive by the time we were allowed to visit 🙁 I know he didn't want to live in the state he was in (he'd recently gone blind) so that's a small comfort I guess
Anyone dealing with a parent going through a long illness/decline certainly has my sympathy
POA is as important as a will - perhaps more so, though it's not always needed in the way that a will is. We eventually managed to bully and cajole FiL into signing his, which I feel absolutely no guilt over. He's declining steadily due to (undiagnosed but obvious) dementia and doesn't really understand paperwork. Unfortunately his primary response is one of denial and stubbornness.
I mentioned powers of attorney but she doesn’t want that yet.
You can have a POA in place but not activated. That means if there is a time when they no longer have capacity to take their own decisions, it can be used. That will cost you something like £50 per person, times 2 (one finance PoA and one health PoA). My parents finance one is activated, but the health one not. Health PoAs also allow the person to specify how they want to be treated - for example if they want a DNR (do not resuccitate) notice or not, if they want to stay at home etc. Without a PoA then ome random doctor may well have the say.
Leave it until the person has lost capacity, and it will cost potentially thousands, and every major change (moving house, remortgaging) will need to go via court at yet more expense.
On a related note, PoAs are not just for the elderly - if you have a will you ought to have one (two) PoAs as well.
I didnt think i had anything to offer to this thread. My dad had bowel cancer about 30yrs ago, beat it and has had just about every other ailment know to mankind in the subsequent time but like Triggers broom he just keeps going.
My mum on the other hand has had nothing. She doesnt go to the doctors, she hasnt had anything of note and she just supports my dad. Until a few months ago that is. Thats when i got a call from my dad, in tears telling me she has breast cancer. Not only that, she has had it for 2.5yrs and has kept it a secret. Only telling my dad when the open wound she has became too big to hide. It pains me to think of her hiding it for so long wondering what it was doing to her.
So she gets rushed along for every test known to mankind and its miraculous but it hasnt spread. Thats the end of the good news 🙁
She had 2 courses of chemo to shrink the growth. I think she had a total of 6 booked which were due to end at christmas. I say booked because she had her second session about 14 days ago. She had 2 really good days following and then got taken to hospital by my dad with what seemed to be a blood clot in the leg, although this was later deemed not serious. By 12am i got the call off my brother telling me she had a heart attack and died getting into an ambulance to take her to another hospital.
I am absolutely in pieces. I hate cancer and i want my mum back
That's heart-breaking to read TheLittlestHobo, my sincere condolences.
Same to FuzzyWuzzy, not being able to see them must be awful.
Can't really type any more than that, those two posts have made some fears of mine a bit sharper in my mind.
Well my old man died Wed morning.
At home with my Ma, my two brothers and his two sisters with him.
I might not have done that much with him in my lifetime but being there holding his head while he went was the best place for me to be at that time.
Brads - a peaceful dignified pain free death with your loved ones around you is the best we can all hope for at the end of our days. Condolences
LittlestHobo
Your mum took those decisions for her own reasons - you have to respect that. a heart attack is quick at least and while the suddenness is hard for those left behind its often the best for the person. don#t be worried about getting professional help with getting your head right
condolences