So, he's got a part time job, is in a band, isn't doing drugs, hasn't got some girl pregnant, isn't in a gang the cops aren't round all the time...
He's 19. Give him a break
I was chucked out at 17, quite honestly I probably deserved it, and apart from a couple of nights sleeping in a bus stop I did OK, but that was mostly cause I got lucky, it took me a loong time to work stuff out with my parents and a bit of me won't forget what they did
They told me it was tough love as well
Feel better now you've got that out BoardinBob?
😉
I was feeling a tiny bit of sympathy for the guy until you mentioned he was fat. I'm so prejudiced.
What emsz said you bunch of old farts
If you cannot piss your lifeaway doing f all when you are 19 and sponging off your folks whilst trying to be a success in a band then when exactly can you do it?
He has a job for spends, he aint in actual trouble with feds or the wrong crowd and he has some growing up to do- he is 19 let him do it but not so long you allow him to not grow up.
If it continues into his 20's I would have a word and make them stand on their own two feet.
Joemarshall makes a good point, above.
My Dad was pushed into a career in medicine by his ambitious mother, she even pulled strings with the Dean of a medical school to get him accepted. He was a good doctor but he was never happy, his career led him into all kinds of stressful situations and at the age of 55 he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. I can't help thinking this was caused by stress - people didn't discuss personal issues in his circles; they were expected just to "man up". He would rather have been an artist but by the time he took early retirement it was too late as he'd already lost his way.
Have you thought about hooking him up with one of the snow sports companies somewhere like Morzine? They are ALWAYS looking for resort staff/reps - he'd have a great time, earn a bit of money, meet new people full of life and gain loads of experience doing something fun that while it's paid isn't as dull as your average job as a teenager.
I can point you in the direction of a few people if you like?
Have a look here:
🙂
a bit of me won't forget what they didThey told me it was tough love
STW should take note of this wise post from emsz.
Joemarshall makes a good point, above.
+1
It's ridiculous forcing kids to make life changing decisions at such a young age. When I was 18 I was persuaded by my elders (parents, teachers, career advisors etc) to not do a degree in astronomy which I was really interested in, and instead do computer science because 'it would be better for getting a highly paid job'. In the end I nearly dropped out due to lack of interest in the course, got a 3rd and am now doing a job which is neither highly paid or particularly interesting. Looking back I realise I was given terrible advice by those who 'know better', and if everyone wasn't in such a rush to send me off to uni at the first opportunity I could have taken more time to consider the options myself and make my own decision.
Cut the internet connection and go from there.
Give your lad this link:
http://www.powderdaysmorzine.com/
Get in touch with boss man Justin, top bloke with loads of contacts in the bars/clubs etc in Morzine.
As has been said, what's not to like for a teenage lad?
Beer, girls, snowboarding, more beer, more girls, more snowboarding, a little bit of work related to beer, girls and snowboarding.
Wish I was 19 again!! 🙂
As has been said, what's not to like for a teenage lad?
Who'd have thought it was so easy to understand teenagers? It's so obvious! Good job they're not complex individuals like the rest of us eh?
🙄
And people wonder why kids get depressed....
EDIT just re-read this
He won't discuss anything with me no matter what I do. Clamps up
That probably means he doesn't want to talk to you, which means in turn that he doesn't feel he can trust you not to give him a hard time or misunderstand him completely.
That probably means he doesn't want to talk to you, which means in turn that he doesn't feel he can trust you not to give him a hard time or misunderstand him completely.
or he knows that what you are saying is true and he thinks that he can sulk/strop his way out of avoiding the situation and dealing with the actual issue as its easier to make you feel guilty for moaning at him *
Or he does not know what he wants to do and asking him just makes him clamp up because he has nothing to say.
ETC
Anymore great insights on explaining the "complex individuals " for us ?
Er I was suggesting possible problems, not claiming simple solutions for the whole situation like the rest of the thread. You trying to turn this into a nit picking competition or something? Cos it won't make for a good thread.
But yes all those things you suggest are good possibilities. I brought it up because it seemed very important.
Just seemed like you were making a hug leap based on limited information and there was no need to suggest it was somehow the OPS fault he wont talk to him.
I accept it was not done with malice
I agree lets not ruin a thread [ but you have the right to reply]
When he's not looking, sell his drums and with the dosh buy him a round-the-world ticket including a stop somewhere in the developing world. It'll change his life, guaranteed - even if he just ends up on a beach in Oz.
Blimey time's must've changed. It was *unthinkable* for me not to at least part fund myself when I was 16/17 before going off to Uni. Had my arse kicked until I got a Saturday job, and then even had my are kicked to get a summer job for the 12 weeks I was off Uni.
No WAY would I have ben lounging around doing nowt sponging off my parents. Stop his funding!!!
Alarmingly, I think this may be a modern trend. My GF's two eldest boys (16 and 17) are REALLY bright cookies (their mum's an Oxbridge grad and a teacher) but they actively choose NOT to apply themselves, and just can't be arsed to even try at school. They are content to get low grade and fail exams. In and out of trouble through very poor attendance, drinking, smoking... No enthusiasm, no get up and go, no ambitions... Spend all day in their bedrooms on laptops/x-boxes only coming downstairs when they're hungry...
If only I was in charge... 😈
BoardinBob - I swear you've just described my brother-in-law too!
Waste of oxygen.
I agree lets not ruin a thread [ but you have the right to reply]
Just one then - but it is relevant. Poor relations between the OP and his son MIGHT be either of their fault - it's something to think about for sure. It's easy to blame the kid for being non-communicative and disengaged, but trying to grow up in a family can be really hard if a youngster doesn't quite align with everyone else.
I know a bloke who had a difficult, petulant, idle, underachieving and difficult to control kid. The bloke in question is a decent chap, and wanted the best for his kid, but was exasperated. At 17 or so the apparently ****less kid left home, got a job as a live-in help for someone with a disability and is now doing really well on his own. All he needed was to get out and find his own way - even though his parents were pretty good on the face of it.
Now that's not the OP's situation, but it goes to show that it's not always what you think when it comes to teenagers/young people growing up in your family.
Ok my two cents worth...
It sounds like he needs some support and confidence boosting rather than the 'kick him out' scenario...
I was a little lost a few years back and decided to go to Oz. I went with with the intention to work, get experience, meet new people and had the best 9 months of my life. Being on the other side of the world, away from home certainly focuses the mind on getting work.
Pitch the idea, encourage him to get a job to pay for this trip and you could contribute towards his flight say, that way he has something to focus on.
Perhaps he could get a job in a Rehearsal studio? That way he would be working towards a goal, in a job that he's interested in, and learning the value of earning a wage. Just an idea, but travelling and working abroad is a great way of broadening the mind, and figuring out who you are, not just having a jolly. It will make him appreciate what he has as well, namely good parents that love him. Hope this is of some help to you.
Yep a lot of polarised opinion
- from those who loved being 19 and had supportive/indulgent parents through to those who hated being 19, self-harmed and had 'tough love' kind of parents.
My 19 yr old is in a similar position and our relationship is in a similar position except me and his mum separated 14 years ago, he's partially blind and is on the Asperger's spectrum. He lives with his grandmother (long story but his mum moved north a couple of years ago) who tends to molly-coddle him (unfortunately she's treating him like his Aunt who was severely disabled). I don't legally have to pay maintenance for him as he's not in education. He's not been the most communicative or demonstrative kid since becoming a teenager and he likes being molly-coddled so our more independent parenting style isn't his preferred approach. His brother and I have a pretty good relationship on the whole though.
It's a complex issue and depends very much on the individual.
When I was 18 (after a summer of nights out & poor 'A' level results to be fair) I came home to a note on my pillow from my Dad. It read "get a job or get out". Fortunately my acceptance onto an I.T. course on the other side of the country came that very morning and I was outta there. My relationship with my Dad was not good, the note certainly didn't help. It did reinforce my determination to make it on my own. I left home then and have been self supported ever since.
The thing is my son (I think) would benefit from a job in improved self-esteem and by getting out of his room and communicating with real people. Continuing to pay maintenance for him does affect my life (and the wider family - i.e. it's the difference between a family summer holiday or not). That his mother has left him and does not pay her mother one iota of support for him and his brother is pretty galling too.
I've decided to try a weaning approach - encouragement to get a job, any job that suits (and emphasising that point to his grandmother). Transference of maintenance to him, so that he pays his grandmother. Then a gradual reduction of said maintenance whilst pointing out his grandmother still needs the same amount to keep him in on-line time & food.
At this point I don't know what the results will be. Hopefully he'll get help to get working.
Good luck, thinking abou ti and doing our best it is all we can do as parents.
there comes a time when they are still young enough to need our help but old enough to not actually realise it ...not looking fwd to it tbh.
Ours, aged 17, packed her bags and left to stay with her friends family 7 weeks ago. The final straw for her was being told to sort herself out, she hadn't washed for a week and hadn't brushed her teeth for a month! She was sick of me controlling her internet access, what sites she could and couldn't get on -IT bod's make the best parents 🙂 making her go to bed, do her homework and general parenting.
Today she's phoned up and asked can she come home, no problem no-one threw you out. Her college attendance is at 80% as she's struggling to get there for 8:50 as she's staying up all night on Facebook. She's failing English, she wants to be an English teacher, because she's not submitting coursework as she's to busy enjoying her freedom.
I think you have to let the penny drop for them.
She was sick of me controlling her internet access, what sites she could and couldn't get on -IT bod's make the best parents
Just out of curiosity, what type of sites were you blocking?
[b]Junkyard[/b] - Member
Good luck, thinking abou ti and doing our best it is all we can do as parents.there comes a time when they are still young enough to need our help but old enough to not actually realise it ...not looking fwd to it tbh.
This is very elegantly put
1.- Unplug your router and take it to work.
2.- 'Fix' the central heating so its rather chilly.
3.- Stop enabling him to doss at your house.
4.- Dont wash ,cook or clean up after him ( no food in the bedroom from now on )
5.- Look at a Ski job , windsurf or Kitesurf instructor course, MTb leader qualifications.
6.- Remove mobile phone privilidges ( I guess you fund that too )
7.- Say what you expect to be done around the house , and reward those jobs with lifts to band camp etc
8.- Look into a TEFL course , although he might A levels as a minimum std .
9.- Try to stay away from any ultimatum you are not prepeared to fully follow through .
The forces would be next on the list , but consider Chef work , Cruise ships , Butlins , something / anything to get an income and up on his own to feet.
Carrot and stick.... A little off both sparingly .... As 19 yr olds often tend to have low self esteem
Encourage him to do something new but easy before progressing to bigger goals...
Don't burn any bridges as he will probably end up deciding which old people's home your going in!
/Deleted
Singletrackmind - chef on boat all require high nvq's/degrees and/or masses of experience nowadays & tefl is degree entry with 1.6k up front I think then money for flights etc.
+1 junkyard yoof is wasted on us young
Incredible some of the stuff on here. Hiding the router? Removing phone rights? Turning the heating off? No eating in the bedroom? He's 19 not 9!
Treat a 19 year old like a child, he'll probably end up acting like one. I'd love to know how many of the people advocating these authoritarian approaches have enacted them successfully on their own kids, if they have them that is.
I can't relate to him at all - well I did see a bit of Jeremy Kyle once. I suppose many of use here were enjoying being students and pretty capable of looking after ourselves.
He probably is capable of looking after himself.
Maybe he just doesn't want to take any of the options he sees as available...
singletrackmind-- you sound like you live in an authoritarian world, where everything is down to discipline, denial and dogma.
the lad is only 19, just because he show's no 'ambition' to get 'ahead' , its not him that is wrong, its the options !
How to create more appealing options then?
art school ?
I genuinely LOL ed at the thought the armed forces is what is needed in this situation
Sure the 19 year old truculent youth will just join the army because his dad says so and then all his problems will be over.
.
Sorry I've not read the whole thing...
But, I similarly was unfocused around your son's age. I didn't balls up my A-levels entirely but blocked the path I thought/convinced everyone I should take. I suffered from and still do battle with epic procrastination so never really got anywhere with the things that I thought I wanted too. Partly it's failure avoidance, which ironically results in a self fulfilling prophecy.
Anywayz. I ended up doing a series of crap jobs, wishing I had tried harder and thinking long and hard about wanting to "be something". Not famous, but have some kind of career. I have been a care worker for nearly 7 years which has taught me a heck of a lot about responsibility, professionalism, my strengths etc etc and 3ish years ago I went to uni finally to study adventure education which I am still doing (I finish in a month 😯 ) from which I'll get into instructing/coaching with the goal of self employment.
My point is vocational courses/work are great for people that are more immediately motivated or practical. Also at 19 or there abouts the lack of life experience means we don't quite understand who we are yet (despite thinking we do, very strongly) or what that can develop into. He sounds like he has self esteem issues as mentioned and the parental split will have had an effect. Focus on his strengths; we form our self esteem by the successes we have at the things we consider to be important. This is key. Failure is also exaggerated in it's damaging effect, learning to have another go is a big part of growth.
Music tech/production/teaching etc is a really big area. Living in Brighton there are loaaaads of variants of these types of courses and jobs which music nerds revel in. I think some financial contribution to living at home is necessary as well as actively doing essentials such as the food shop, laundry, housekeeping etc. These are life skills he'll need on his own and requires time management. He can also develop satisfaction from pulling his weight and being independent although I'm sure it won't appear so at first, but you can show him appreciation for his help. People like to feel useful.
In short; support his strengths, don't focus on his failings, encourage more financial independence (he'll learn that working properly and living away from home is better) and consider either vocational or music based study.
He'll be ok, he's got a dad who cares and a lot of years left. Prepare him for the next step by getting him to prepare himself otherwise he won't be able to move out and grow as an individual. Oh and get him a mountain bike, they're really fun 😉
See if he'll go and have a pint (or two) with you.
Wee in his shoes on the way out to work.
.....in Australia. It'd almost certainly change his perspective on life and give you some much needed bonding time.
Blimey, I've two adult 'kids' and even I can't think of anything useful to suggest.
How many of those who've responded actually have any experience of teenagers?
It's not cut and dried, each child is an individual with their own needs.
And, fwiw, even when they're adults you can still have problems. My daughter (mid-20's) has had nothing to do with me for over two years.
singletrackmind-- you sound like you live in an authoritarian world, where everything is down to discipline, denial and dogma.
OCD world yes D, D , Dogma. wtaf.
No I dont have kids , No , i wont ever have kids .
I would love to sit in bed all day , electric blanket on getting high on some home grown whilst watching porn interspaced wit bouts of COD Black Ops .
Hell , I could do that for years and not worry about anything , apart from if the old mans remembered to upgrade the Broadband to Fibre Optic and picked up my Monster Munch .
Just some ideas , thats all. Do nothing , Do something .
Hes probably a good kid but all he hears on the radio is all the doom and gloom about the economy , and lack of jobs so has decided there are no jobs .
At least he has a Dad who cares enough to post on here for some ideas /inspiration .
The Aus / Nz trip sounds best though, better than ****ing yourself blind
Rob - with respect it's too easy to drive them away by being too dictatorial. Different kids need different handling.
all he hears on the radio is all the doom and gloom about the economy , and lack of jobs so has decided there are no jobs .
Petty sure it is reality that has decided their are very few jobs and he is working PT like many people his age affected by underemployment as well as unemployment.
In the past they did retail jobs and the like whilst they decided what to do but they cannot even get those. I work getting folk into employment and it is very very tough. I know lots of folk who would work given the chance who knows what the son would do if there were opportunities.
Its the first time I have known in over a decade where you cannot guarantee work for folk willing to do anything.
who knows what the son would do if there were opportunities.
Hmm well I'm sure it's pretty tough these days but there are jobs and they'll go to those that put the effort in to get them.
Yes yes all the 1 million young people who are unemployed just lack a bit of get up and go - I bow to your expertise in this area.
You could literally make millions for yourself if you had the answer as the govt are spending billions on the work programme - why not share your ideas with the experts who are failing to get folk into work.
FWIW Its the first time I would disagree with your statement though. There has always been work for folk willing to do anything but not these days.
Mine was similar until 3 months ago when he got to 23 and now has a baby and a house and a job at the council.
Drove me mad for years. His mother is a bit less aggressive than me with him, and that was very wise of her (she is the wise one in the house).
He is a talented, "kind of sponsored" rider (gets frames and parts, shoes and clothes and comp entries, but no money) and was only focussed on getting paid for riding. He is skilled enough, but it was never really gonna happen, but we didn't want to take that dream away just in case it could happen.
Basically he just needed the time to sort himself out (at my expense!!!) and that is what he's done.
You just need to suck it up and try to give him stability and support, not confrontation.
Not easy, but they are a different breed these days.
I blame the advent of the dishwasher.
