MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Basic rules for travelling by train:
- don't wash for three days before getting on.
- same goes for brushing your teeth.
- buy a packet of crisps before you travel. Make sure you eat them as noisily as possible. It helps if you're elderly when doing this so you can exclaim about how much fun the experience is.
- prepare your sandwiches in advance and wrap them in tin foil to rustle while you eat.
- buy a cup of tea from the trolley. It's vitally important that you count up all the loose change in your purse/wallet during this process but come up 10p short and pay with a £20 note anyway.
- act completely surprised when you're asked for your ticket, especially since you carefully remembered to store it in the bottom of the enormous suitcase that's blocking the aisle.
- tut at anyone using a phone, then discover that you can get YouTube on the phone your grandchildren bought you and share amusing videos at maximum volume.
- glare at me when I ask you to move out of the seat I reserved and point out that there are lots of empty seats. Yes, there are. You're more than welcome to move to one.
- throw your ticket away before getting off the train so you get stuck at the barrier. An acceptable alternative to this is to keep your ticket, but not know what to do with it at the gate. Bonus points for inserting the wrong ticket.
- finally, make sure you exclaim about how cheap the tickets were because you're elderly and near-dead, ignoring the fact that nearly everyone else on the train is subsidising your ticket.
I believe you missed out the nostril 'scratchers', who - although they've only scratched, need to wipe their fingers somewhere.
****, I've just grossed myself out.
- don't poo for a week before getting on the train, then empty everything you've got into the loo. Wipe with 2 or 3 rolls of paper then leave without flushing. Bonus points for blocking the sink too, not that you'd bother washing your hands.
You have missed 'can you move your bag from the seat of this crowded train in order that I can sit down you selfish old crone'.
You forgot "play music on my phone/beatbox with my drinking stag party"
Thepurist's one is the worst for me.
I'm always conflicted re taking my reserved seat if there are lots of others...
Oh and "...ists" is pure CLarkson ie shit
And don’t forget that you and a colleague should hog a table for 4 by sitting either side of it laptops and paperwork spread out, bags on empty seats, making it virtually impossible for anyone else to dare to sit at “ your “ table.
then proceed to make / take phone calls, slagging off suppliers / office / clients without even thinking about who may hear you 🤮
– don’t poo for a week before getting on the train, then empty everything you’ve got into the loo. Wipe with 2 or 3 rolls of paper then leave without flushing.
Why would I want to spend money on bum wipe when I can use British Rail's for free? And you never flush, people who use train toilets don't wash their hands so touch as little as possible.
Be sure to sit in the cycle storage area, and avoid eye contact with the person on a bike you pushed in front of to get that seat.
Bloody hell, you lot are polite. I have no qualms about claiming my reserved seat and the question, 'would you like me to put your bag up on the rack' always elicits the right response. The only options are yes please or it's OK, I'll do it.
My stepson's a driver for Freightliner & often has to travel on passenger trains to pick a loco up from somewhere. A couple of weeks ago he was sat next to an enormous woman who kept touching his arm with her big fat sweaty arm. (inadvertently he hoped) & he wasn't happy!
Anyone else had a similar occurence?
Ensure that your headphones are turned up loud enough so that the next three rows spend the next three hours listening to "tsk, tsssk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tssk...(repeat)"
As an ex train spotter, now fully recovered, i just travel by train, read about trains and chat about trains, but dont carry a small book and a pair of binoculars anymore.
1, wear a huge anorak, even in hot weather, seems to act as some sort of force field against persons siting next to you.
2, eat egg butties wrapped in cling film, they real stink after a few hours for extra effect add in tomatoes, they squirt pips out when eaten.
3, sit in the isle seat, not next to the window, and have a spotters note book in front of you at all times.
4, if somebody is brave enough to sit next to you, mumble quietly every time you pass a loco and and mumble its number out.
5, for extra effect keep consulting your watch and timetable.
6,try to start a conversation with the lucky person next to you about the unit/train youre on and how theyre not as good as the older diesels.
God, I love Cars, they’re just the best.
Just having a train around these parts would be a nice change.
Don't forget the minging bacon butties in first class (only travelled on an upgrade for a quid deal) - pre-made and re-heated in a microwave...as a complete butty, not even pre-cooked bacon re-heated separately and placed in a fresh buttered bap. Yuk. Just don't bother if you're not going to do a proper job of it.