[Closed] The Three Rules of Cheese (boards)

iiii) If you haven't made it, you can't comment on the quality.

iv) one cheese should have blue contained in its name

v) if you can't find one with a strong enough kick you should serve a battery for people to lick.

vi) Dairylea has no place on the board

vii) at least one should run off the board if left for long enough
viii)leave it for long enough

ix) Nor does cheese with fruit or nuts in it.

x) A proper cheese knife must be present, normal knives are witchcraft.

xi) at least one of the cheeses has to be Lincolnshire Poacher.

slainte 😀 rob

wensleydale MUST be included.

vi) Dairylea has no place on the board

Couldn't quite work out the rules for a low rent board - primula, dairylea, baby bell etc.

Ton keep to the numbering, no number no rule.

xii.........................sorry 😳

xiii - cheddar, if served, must be packaged in wax.

xiv - stilton should be served with spoons in it

Cheeses should cover the spectrum, so 1 blue, 1 hard, 1 soft, 1 washed rind absolute minimum.

Quince or some other fruit compote and a variety of biscuits supplied.

Port or a sweet wine close at hand.

xv - one cheese must taste of heaven, but make your fingers smell of bumhole

Thou shalt eat Vacherin Mont D'Or when it is in season.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii) If it comes in a plastic wrapping, you need shooting.

xvi - All cheeses must come from the British Isles.

Seriously, cheese is one of the few things we're world class at cuisine-wise. Including European cheese on the board is like asking for a French whisky or an Italian ale. Interesting from a compare and contrast point of view but really has no place at the top table.

1) hard, soft, blue
2) all cheeses must be French
3) don't argue because I'm right

1. cheese must be normal tasty cheese cuttable with a normal knife
2. biscuits must be of reasonable quality and not too thick
3. everyone must enjoy cheese and company.
4. just bring more cheese n biccies n wine n stuff.

that's 4. so I should integrate 3 an 4 to equal 3

Xvii

Bellendslydale must me served within the bedroom.

the cheese forum is open mate. Xv11 is steve. that's a cheese for the bedroom. ok. It's a cheese open forum here. (now I've gotta **** with my charts you bastard) that's in category 3 mate.

the board must be made of wood.

there must actually BE a board.

there must be cheese.

my work is done here! 🙂

XVIII) Celery is for perverts.
XIX) No 2 cheeses may be of the same colour.

XX)Put whatever you want on there as long as it's Lancashire Blue, Extra Tasty Lancashire, and one of Bobs Knobs

- a cheesemaker

Gentlemen,
I think more care needs to put into the humble biscuit. Surely worthy of a set of rules all to itself?

Delicious & varied cheese is highly commendable, but don't ruin it with cheap or stale biccies!!

I suggest
i) Sweet variety, Digestive or Hovis
ii) Seeeded vaiety, sesame or poppy seeds
iii) Something more traditional but crumbly & creamy

XXi Vintage Port must be present, 27cm from the board at an angle of 45 degrees from the centre of the edge of the board which is deemed closest to the centre of the table supporting the board.

xxii Brie or camenbert must be only just in the solid phase
xxiii Use by dates are for wimps

If you put any of that blue shit on my cheeseboard the law states I can have you terminated with immediate effect. This my cheese board and that's pretty much the only rule so needs no number.

xxiv - No butter, mustard is acceptable.
xxv - Don't eat anything you can't pronounce.

Vintage Port must be present

...and must be served in a ships decanter where it has resided for at least a week prior.

Stinky
Creamy
Crumbly
The end......

xxvi - A chutney is essential
xxvii - There is no such thing as too much cheese

I am in charge of cheese this year, so apart from the obvious Tom Jones and Sergio Mendes CDs, I will get a selection of posh smelley cheese from Mellis'.

I always think it is a good idea to get some cheap plastic stuff from Tescos too, so the proles can eat that and not waste the good stuff.

(This rule applies to wine too.)

xv - one cheese must taste of heaven, but make your fingers smell of bumhole

xxviii) There shall be Cheshire cheese, as it is Britain's oldest and finest gone-off milk product.

This:
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And This:
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first rule of cheese board, don't mention the cheese board .

And include Hampshires finest please... Primula Puke eater.

[img] [/img]

Cheese Facism, whatever next?

dlcvxii)Oh you might want to include Isle of Wight Blue. I swear I got off my tits on it last year after eating nearly half a pack in one session.

Don't forget to include this -

[img] [/img]

bikebouy - MArmite? Branston? you are a very very very sick man.

dlcvxiv) The only pickled products present should be onions so strong that they actually make your face implode

Sage Derby must also be included, for creamy lovliness content

I Is Piky Me.. Branston wiv evryfink init.

One must simply read this you darlings.. IL seeks to find the worlds finest cheese.. MWA XX MWA XX (init)

[url= http://moreintelligentlife.com/content/food-and-drink/christopher-hirst/cheese-golden-age ]null[/url]

[url= http://www.cheese.com/ ]You've a website dedicated to Cheese, no need to thank me (init)[/url]

personally I have a love/hate relationship with [url= http://www.chestercheeseshop.co.uk/ ]this place.[/url] Strange, I know.
[img] http://www.smileys4me.com/getsmiley.php?show=2149 [/img]

If the host serves cheese straight from the fridge it's beholden on the guests to take them outside and beat them roundly.

dlcvxiii) All cheese must be cubed and impaled with a chunk of pineapple on a cocktail stick 😀

dlcvxiii) All cheese must be cubed and impaled with a chunk of pineapple on a cocktail stick

"giggles to himself"

1) Always place the cheese in order of strength
2) Always eat the cheese in order of strength
3) Always cut the Roquefort or similar vertically, not horizontally.

Regarding rule #3, anyone who takes the centre bit with a cheeky ‘ooh, it’s the best bit’ gets stabbed in the face.

I'm with fennesz - anyone who cuts the nose off should be boiled alive.

DON'T CROSS CONTAMINATE KNIVES/BOARD AREA.

I don't want to cut my nice cheddar with a knife that has been used to cut some smelly gooey mess.

The fact that you think there are rules for cheese 🙄 makes you all look a bit stupid in my opinion.

Regarding rule #3, anyone who takes the centre bit with a cheeky ‘ooh, it’s the best bit’ gets stabbed in the face.

Sent forth to ne'er return would suffice, but saying that, extreme violence wouldn't be amiss.

xli) Include at a strict minimum one goat's and one ewe's cheese.
xlii) green apple and walnut are optional with roquefort, but is the answer to life the universe and everything.

emsz. Have you forgotten where you are. This is STW. There are rules for [i]EVERYTHING[/i]! If you take away our carefully structured, middle class comfort blankets, our heads explode 😯

Regarding rule #3, anyone who takes the centre bit with a cheeky ‘ooh, it’s the best bit’ gets stabbed in the face.

this +100

Fruit has no place with cheese. Ever. It may, at a push, be used as a garnish to brighten a cheese board visually.

People who eat cheese with fruit [i]in[/i] are just perverts!

LoLing at binners

What was I thinking!!

MMCXLVII - although they may be augmented by poncy shite, Cheddars and Tuc biscuits must be provided

1. Room temperature or get it to f@%k.

2. Carrs water biscuits must be served

3. You either try all the cheese or none.

If there are none of these around:

[img] [/img]

then you've made a frightful faux pas! Though I agree whole-heartedly with scaredypants - Cheddars and Tuc biscuits must be provided

Never, and I repeat NEVER cut the nose off Brie.
Quince paste is mandatory for any hard Spanish or Southern French cheeses.

MMCXLVIII - At least one of the riper Stiltons should have a vague tang of ammonia.

Re Cutting the nose off the cheese. Flogging's too good for them.

Port - ruby and tawny (LBV or better) must be decanted and served at a proper temperature.

3 rules of the cheeseboard
1 - see that? it's mine
2 - yup, that one too
3 - no, that's crap, you can have it

Never, and I repeat NEVER get caught as you cut the nose off Brie

Cutting the nose of cheese? ❓

Is this another STW ism that's going over my head?

Yes, It goes over mine too and we follow some of these "rules"..
Think it may have originated somewhere in the Arnarge..

It is rather stupid if you ask me.. I regularly chop it off and get a glowing stare back..

Oat cakes and Loch Arthur farmhouse cheddar

And smelly french cheese MUST be matured in the cheese house (shed)

Must be served with very strong pickled onions and or piccalli. Oh and really strong green apples. A good solid red wine to go with the cheese's is a must as well.

Yes you will have bad dreams if you eat this in the couple of hours before you go to bed. 😳

Nice sweet-but-sharp dessert wine also has it's place.

Babybel should be allowed at Christmas, since we're celebrating the birth of the little baby cheeses...

...I'll get me coat.

MMCXLVIX - no cheese shall come from a packet containing on or more other cheeses which are clearly of different types. Even if the cheeses are seperately wrapped. An exemption may be made for cheeses supplied as part of hamper where the cheese content has been specified by the purchaser.

The Southern Yeti - Member
xiii - cheddar, if served, must be packaged in wax.

In addition to grapes, quince jelly and figs, the board should be graced with Tracklements finest chilli jam.

[img] [/img]

Goes damn well with all cheese, but [i]especially[/i] blue.

Celery will be banished
A slab of Shropshire Blue will be present

Quince paste is mandatory for any hard Spanish or Southern French cheeses.

Hard Spanish? Lastima, tanta ignorancia... Softish Spanish cheese, especially the gorgeously named Tetilla. And hardly paste, more of a hard jelly.

Tetilla:
[img] [/img]

XXXII) (I've lost count)

Stichelton is obligatory, unless you are in the club.

XXXIII)

Properly made red leicester is acceptable. Supermarket red leicester must be thrown at the person who bought it.