[Closed] The Three Rules of Cheese (boards)

iiii) If you haven't made it, you can't comment on the quality.

iv) one cheese should have blue contained in its name

v) if you can't find one with a strong enough kick you should serve a battery for people to lick.

vi) Dairylea has no place on the board

vii) at least one should run off the board if left for long enough
viii)leave it for long enough

ix) Nor does cheese with fruit or nuts in it.

x) A proper cheese knife must be present, normal knives are witchcraft.

xi) at least one of the cheeses has to be Lincolnshire Poacher.

slainte 😀 rob

wensleydale MUST be included.

vi) Dairylea has no place on the board

Couldn't quite work out the rules for a low rent board - primula, dairylea, baby bell etc.

Ton keep to the numbering, no number no rule.

xii.........................sorry 😳

xiii - cheddar, if served, must be packaged in wax.

xiv - stilton should be served with spoons in it

Cheeses should cover the spectrum, so 1 blue, 1 hard, 1 soft, 1 washed rind absolute minimum.

Quince or some other fruit compote and a variety of biscuits supplied.

Port or a sweet wine close at hand.

xv - one cheese must taste of heaven, but make your fingers smell of bumhole

Thou shalt eat Vacherin Mont D'Or when it is in season.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii) If it comes in a plastic wrapping, you need shooting.

xvi - All cheeses must come from the British Isles.

Seriously, cheese is one of the few things we're world class at cuisine-wise. Including European cheese on the board is like asking for a French whisky or an Italian ale. Interesting from a compare and contrast point of view but really has no place at the top table.

1) hard, soft, blue
2) all cheeses must be French
3) don't argue because I'm right

1. cheese must be normal tasty cheese cuttable with a normal knife
2. biscuits must be of reasonable quality and not too thick
3. everyone must enjoy cheese and company.
4. just bring more cheese n biccies n wine n stuff.

that's 4. so I should integrate 3 an 4 to equal 3

Xvii

Bellendslydale must me served within the bedroom.

the cheese forum is open mate. Xv11 is steve. that's a cheese for the bedroom. ok. It's a cheese open forum here. (now I've gotta **** with my charts you bastard) that's in category 3 mate.

the board must be made of wood.

there must actually BE a board.

there must be cheese.

my work is done here! 🙂

XVIII) Celery is for perverts.
XIX) No 2 cheeses may be of the same colour.

XX)Put whatever you want on there as long as it's Lancashire Blue, Extra Tasty Lancashire, and one of Bobs Knobs

- a cheesemaker

Gentlemen,
I think more care needs to put into the humble biscuit. Surely worthy of a set of rules all to itself?

Delicious & varied cheese is highly commendable, but don't ruin it with cheap or stale biccies!!

I suggest
i) Sweet variety, Digestive or Hovis
ii) Seeeded vaiety, sesame or poppy seeds
iii) Something more traditional but crumbly & creamy

XXi Vintage Port must be present, 27cm from the board at an angle of 45 degrees from the centre of the edge of the board which is deemed closest to the centre of the table supporting the board.

xxii Brie or camenbert must be only just in the solid phase
xxiii Use by dates are for wimps

If you put any of that blue shit on my cheeseboard the law states I can have you terminated with immediate effect. This my cheese board and that's pretty much the only rule so needs no number.

xxiv - No butter, mustard is acceptable.
xxv - Don't eat anything you can't pronounce.

Vintage Port must be present

...and must be served in a ships decanter where it has resided for at least a week prior.

Stinky
Creamy
Crumbly
The end......

xxvi - A chutney is essential
xxvii - There is no such thing as too much cheese

I am in charge of cheese this year, so apart from the obvious Tom Jones and Sergio Mendes CDs, I will get a selection of posh smelley cheese from Mellis'.

I always think it is a good idea to get some cheap plastic stuff from Tescos too, so the proles can eat that and not waste the good stuff.

(This rule applies to wine too.)

xv - one cheese must taste of heaven, but make your fingers smell of bumhole

xxviii) There shall be Cheshire cheese, as it is Britain's oldest and finest gone-off milk product.

This:
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And This:
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first rule of cheese board, don't mention the cheese board .

And include Hampshires finest please... Primula Puke eater.

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Cheese Facism, whatever next?

dlcvxii)Oh you might want to include Isle of Wight Blue. I swear I got off my tits on it last year after eating nearly half a pack in one session.

Don't forget to include this -

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bikebouy - MArmite? Branston? you are a very very very sick man.

dlcvxiv) The only pickled products present should be onions so strong that they actually make your face implode

Sage Derby must also be included, for creamy lovliness content