One for those of us who delight in the diatribes of Kermode reviewing an absolute stinker, feast on this gem from Jay Rayner.
After this vegan calamity, this extraordinary display of dismal cooking, I find myself eyeing the Yorkshire terrier, greedily. Just hand him over, give me access to the grill, and five minutes.
Thank you, I enjoyed that.
with blonde-tressed Chelsea women just bubbling with intolerances. They are fizzing with them, these dairy- and gluten-fearing dietary warriors, seeking sanctuary from the terrifying world of modern food. With them are their pink-cheeked, anxious-looking boyfriends, who clearly fear they are just one more rugby club, traffic-cone-on-your-head piss-up away from being chucked.
I dunno about you, but I just find it 500 words of petty bitching. It wouldn’t be out of place in the Daily Mail, and over the last year I’ve noticed less “serious” journalism from The Guardian and more of these pieces where they’ll pick a target and just be abusive for a bit.
Being nasty in print is easy - that’s why columnists do it - but I think The Guardian should set itself higher standards.
Ah flaperon get over yourself! The best restaurant reviews are always the ones for the worst restaurants. Made me chuckle.
I dunno about you, but I just find it 500 words of petty bitching. It wouldn’t be out of place in the Daily Mail, and over the last year I’ve noticed less “serious” journalism from The Guardian and more of these pieces where they’ll pick a target and just be abusive for a bit.
Being nasty in print is easy – that’s why columnists do it – but I think The Guardian should set itself higher standards.
#PeakGrauniad
I'm sure the food was utterly joyless but he needs a good editor. Is it the death of narrative food reviews?
I'm a great fan of Jay Rayner. His "Greedy Man in a Hungry World" is well worth a read. Anyway there should be more savage restaurant reviews, there is an awful lot of third rate crap served out there.
The "whole point" of a restaurant review is to have one of two outcomes.
1. The restaurant is so good you must go immediately and I will tell you in intimate detail to make you want to book a table
2. the restaurant is so bad, I will tell you why and how in an amusing way that will fill up 500 words as "This restaurant is terrible don't go there" is dull.
Also, being paid to write "mleh, it's OK" isn't worth anyone's time.
It's well worth reading his review of Le Cinq in Paris.
With them are their pink-cheeked, anxious-looking boyfriends, who clearly fear they are just one more rugby club, traffic-cone-on-your-head piss-up away from being chucked.
Observational comedy right there.
Awesome.
He likes Piecaramba|, which will be a unforgivable black mark from the northern contingent on here.
I like that, highly amusing
He likes Piecaramba|, which will be a unforgivable black mark from the northern contingent on here.
Why so? As he says "Obviously, a pie must be fully enclosed in pastry. These are. They are wonders of golden shortcrust, cooked through from side to bottom"
Why so?
it has a pretentious name...
it's being reviewed in a pretentious publication which is pretentious
it's not a pie shop which it pretends to be.
sorry missed the 😉
That is so funny!
Nice one, thanks for posting OP!
Im still trying to get over the £625/kg for some irradiated fish that's been flown half way around the world... And we wonder where cancer comes from...
I feel especially bad about our waiter. Tom is a good man. He is charming, on point and utterly wasted here; he should do something more socially useful, like fly tipping or nicking cars.
🙂
This review has already been mentioned, but Jay Rayner at his venemous best....
I really enjoyed his review of Fishers in the City in Edinburgh
😆
Whilst I find the concept of restaurant critics, and the fact they can also become celebrities, slightly bizarre, I do find their best use is to call out the more pretentious restaurants. Le Cinq certainly seems to have deserved such mockery.
Mean spirited or not, it was quite an enjoyable read.
Always worth reading the comments....
Dunno why Putin bothers with all that James Bond stuff. Jay's poison pen would do the job admirably.
"like a cat’s arse that’s brushed against nettles"
This is pure poetry, Shakespeare would be quite tickled.
I liked:
"It is decorated in various shades of taupe, biscuit and **** you."
Mean spirited or not, it was quite an enjoyable read.
He's reasonably fair to restauranteurs. If you're big/expensive and rubbish expect to be monstered in print. If small reasonably priced but poor he'll pay the bill and go and there's no review. The tweets following the Chelsea review were great too. Someone got huffy about the terrier looking good enough to eat.
Jesus wept, the restaurant-provided pictures vs the reality in the Le Cinq review would put McDonalds to shame.
I'd post it myself, bt someone needs to post the PC Zone review of the Sims 2: H&M expansion pack for some timeless gold.
Now that is a good "bad" review.
Marvellous!
For a proper bad review, and to tie it back to the whole Kermodian reference in the OP, I recommend his Pirates 3 review. Unusually for a radio review it is enhanced by watching the interplay between the two good doctors so youtube is your best bet.
My favourite so far has to be The Quietus' review of Coldplay's Ghost Stories.
Beware, there is the occasional swear.
http://thequietus.com/articles/15274-coldplay-ghost-stories-review
I never knew he was the son of Clare. Every day = school day
that Coldplay review is very very poorly written, using swear words to the point of boring to compensate for the author's lack of imagination, it's not a quarter as clever as it thinks it is 🙂
Agree with JoB on the over-reliance on swearing at the expense of genuine wit, but this line is good...
This album should be a series of fing honky-tonk piano-driven upbeat bangers with titles like 'Wahoo!' and 'Thank F Almighty, Free At Last!' and 'I Don’t Have To Knit My Breakfast No More!', all accompanied to the sound of six-shooters fired into the f***ing ceiling with both hands!
I never knew he was the son of Clare.
I did.
It came to me in a dream.
Turns out i'm Clairevoyant.
I think that the poor writing an constant use of exclamations is intentional given the subject reviewed.
"If you can't be arsed to write a decent album, I can't be arsed to write an imaginative review". Probably.
I miss Marina O'Loughlin,
Our French waiter isn’t much bothered, probably judging us for coming here in the first place. Mate, if I’ve signed up for le wanquerie, I want the full throbbing Onan.
I have nothing against eating healthily. I have only one body and I try to look after it.
I hope that was said with a large helping of tongue in cheek .
If you're after bad music reviews then this one is an absolute peach? Alex Petridis demolishes Primal Scream
https://www.theguardian.com/music/2008/jul/18/popandrock.primalscream
From todays review probably the best description of golf:
I’m with Oscar Wilde on golf – a good walk ruined – but that hardly does justice to the calamity that golf courses wreak on the landscape. They’re a dreary, turfed desert, as visually appealing as a motorway service station lorry park, but with none of the usefulness. They are also designed to exclude everyone who isn’t rich enough to pay for the pleasure of hitting a tiny ball while dressed as a middle manager in the sanitary wear business.
Slightly on topic for a bike forum but this was a classic
" Like eating a condom found in a dusty greengrocers "
Had me thinking ..how would she know ?
Im still trying to get over the £625/kg for some irradiated fish that’s been flown half way around the world… And we wonder where cancer comes from…
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobe_beef
I have to say, I really enjoyed reading that review, there’s no excuse for serving up poorly prepared food using fancy descriptions to justify high prices. That wasn’t far off a Bill Bryson description. My g/f can turn out far better meals than that, she learned growing up in pubs where her mum looked after the food side of things, she was actually born in a pub on the Kings Road in That London, I’m eating better now than at any time in my life, apart from restaurant outings. 😋