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to add to what i wrote last night the suggestions of talking are good. HOWEVER be prepared for the fact it may not change things and you may not get the answers you want (if any at all) Don't want to compare your wife to my ex, but i am still not sure of the reasons why she ended it, and TBH not sure she is happier now anyway.
+1 for the redecoration (or preferably sell the place). When we split up i was asked to move to my mothers as she had no where to go so was away from the house and furniture for a year. We then sold the house and i moved into a rented place and took virtually nothing as i preferred to start afresh. Means i have no memories or emotional attachment when i look at anything.
Good luck
I would suggest that you get together and really really talk. If you don't and are none the wiser for why she left, you will never be able to move on. You have to know WHY
Beautiful and I agree.
Sorry mate. Been there, done that. Only ever one reason why they leave. Don't hate her and don't bear a grudge against her or him. The hate will eat you up from the inside. Believe me it takes a bigger man to forgive than to charge around like the equaliser.
I still miss my ex. I can be moved to poetry and the deepest, darkest ache deep in my soul.
Saying that, I would rather have lost her than never having known her.
So much heartache - understand it all yet not at all 🙁
Blimey, must be something in the air. My wife wants a divorce and I know of 5 others who are in the same situation!
My best friends wife left him two years ago after he'd been diagnosed with arthritis a year earlier at the age of 33! He was towards the end of their relationship when he finaly found the drug cocktail that helped him, but it was too late for them as a couple after his inability to open up to her about his problems! I found it incredibly hard to watch my mate go through this but did everything I could to help. Two years on, and yes that's a lot of nights in on your own etc, he's back! New lady, new house and he only ever rings me when her in doors ain't around. Just like old times, but it's great to see my mate happy again. You'll get there for sure.
OP, you know.. You could always dabble on the other side of the fence. A great opportunity 😉 😯
I don't have any advice I'm afraid. But if you want to go out for a ride, let me know. I'm crap, but will travel 😉
Dear me.
First of all, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. All so sudden and surprising. Not good.
Interesting with others' experiences. What's the deal with the 'decade and a half' lifespan of relationships? I'm six months out of mine which lasted just under fifteen years. Maybe it's about all anyone can handle!
With no kids though it should be easier for you to simply cut the ex out of your life, should you wish to.
However, as others have said, the passage of time is the only healer.
You can help that time pass quicker by keeping busy and distracted, like I'm trying to do by painting ceilings on the warmest day of the year!! What an idiot - should be out in the saddle, but I can't live in this tip as it is any longer. Gotta move on and make it mine again.
I hope you find the strength to do the same, Flatback. Best of luck to you. It will get better, believe me.
tell me it will get better, wife has gone
It already is better mate. Glass is half full and all that.
You can go riding and drinking and on holidays that you actually want to go on. Take up new hobbies, eat what you want.
Its the beginning not the end.
Talking of holidays. Why don't you treat yourself to a riding holiday this Summer?
In 2003 I went alone to Les Arcs. Met some great people there and rode everyday.
I lost almost everything in a period of less than 5 years. Parental family, partner, then found the love of my life and lost them too, job went down the pan for separate reasons. Was so near to a breakdown, offered time off work by doc and a bunch of pills. Leaving the house often reduced me to tears and I often had to come home within 20 mins of leaving as I could not cope. No words for the despair, isolation, self punishment, loss, sense of abandonment, anger, hurt and above all grief.
My life is not great now, but I look back and I can see if these things had not occurred I would actually be worse off. I am glad now they happened even though they tore me apart into tiny pieces at the time. I am even glad to have been let down by the person who was the love of my life as I can see now they would have made my life very very difficult long term. Love blinds.
Point is, the most awful dire situations you would do anything to change when happening - sometimes you look back and bizarrely end up feeling really glad they happened and you feel stunned you could feel positive that way after going through so much hurt. I could not see myself how they could ever be viewed as 'good' things to happen. But how you come to look at it changes in ways you could never believe would happen. Hang on in there. It will be OK.
There's some doubt creeping into some of the replies with stuff like “She’ll be back” and such like that I think need addressing!
To me this is fundamental for your survival that she is [i]not[/i] coming back - as per your OP.
You can not, repeat can not just drift along to her rhythm, having her dictate how you are minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
She’s gone & you are onto the next, albeit it quite daunting, new chapter in your life.
The idea that you will patch things up was scotched in the OP and quite frankly she’s made her decision so turf out all her stuff & do things your way.
If you spend the next year drifting in the doldrums, sails flapping in the breeze waiting for her to re-appear you’ll do yourself some emotional harm & waste a year (?) of your new life.
Scotch talking it over, that’s Fools Gold!
It’s history. Take control back, your life, your terms, your new chapter. Look forward not backwards, you achieve nothing, absolutely nothing asking that one word, “Why?”. It’s utterly unimportant. It might seem the most important thing at times, believe me when I tell you that once you understand it’s unimportant then it’s another hurdle surmounted.
Anyhow, as you can tell from my suggestions, I’m one for starting a-new and getting rid of the old, the things that could damage you & your recovery, and not one for just hoping things turn out well – eventually. Time is a great healer, but so if taking your new life by the scruff of the neck and forging a new, different path. I hope all this is of some help!
We're all all different Ti29er and the OP sounds a little less conflictual than you. You get all upset and leave a forum in an I'll-never-post-again huff because someone disagrees with you. When my wife threw me a packed bag out of the door and told me to go I just got on with some gardening until she decided to let me back in.
Where is the OP BTW? Hanging in the garage, drowning in whisky, decorating or laughing at the replies.
Nothing happens for no reason.
Don't be killing yourself, don't go streetwalking at night, don't do drugs. Just live. Go to an event otherwise non-doable, i.e. moto-TT, read poetry, wear comfy slippers, do whatever you want.
Will time help? I sincerely hope so. Good luck!
And as I've been telling everybody, if for whatever reason you come over to Ireland, pop to Skerries co. Dublin, we'll go for a few pints. Bear in mind, the only thing easier to pull than an Irish girl is a nail out of a plasterboard.
Judas Priest Midnighthour you've just depressed me 😕
Ti29er - life is not black and white!!
Talking it over is not "fool's gold", that's a ridiculous thing to say. 🙄
Only when every avenue has been explored and every word has been said can "moving on" take place, whether in coupledom or singledom. You can not give up that easily.
OP - please let us know how you are.
left and said she is never ever coming back
she just dont like me any more and wants a divorce, now right away no councelling no trial seperation, divorce now right now
I'm basing my comments on his original statements.
No point in raking over what is no more. Or waiting for her to "change", or to like him or for her to tell him X or Y or that she did not like such-&-such about him. She could really hurt him some more.
Why give the guy false hope when from his OP he's stated emphatically that it's no more?
So, moving on for his own sake is by far the best solution since she's stated she's moved on & wants no dialogue at all.
Hard nosed, I grant you but that's the reality of the situation that has been told to us, so why expose yourself to yet more hurt & pain?
People say things then change their minds/regret/realise they were mistaken. That might not be the case but if it is then the OP does not want to make it difficult for his wife to change her mind/talk it over/express regret/apologise.
Nobody has mentioned a private detective yet so I will. The easiest way of finding out "why" if wifey really won't open up. It's far easier for a third party to do the investigating and draw rational conclusions. I hired one once in a business context and she was discrete, thorough and provided the required information.
As a woman, I would say that wife's words were those of a possibly unhappy and desperate person. You just can not make such final decisions and disappear. The OP should be very concerned and make every effort to contact her to offer support etc.
Being "hard nosed" is not always appropriate. Compassion and empathy is what's needed.
As Edukator said above, people say things and change their minds. You need to get to the bottom of this.
But I still stand by my original comment that you can not move on until you understand WHY.
I would be useful to have some more details, but it's just possible that having mentioned it on here it's taken a life of its own with people replaying their own experiences and opinions & he's not comfortable with this now!
There is always the question of taking someone back under this dark scenario - would you ever trust them again? Would every argument thereafter somehow always come back to her actions and deeds?
CG. Best we never marry me thinks! 😉
My first question to the OP was, why? Seems that your parner has made a pretty final decision and I don't suggest that you pursue her reasoning if she hasn't had the deceny to give you an explaination for now I'd assume it's done and start to deal with it.
Often these things are similar to bereavement, someone you loved is gone and isn't coming back so it is harsh and unpleasant. I have no quick fix to offer and no sage advice the only thing that I can suggest is you throw yourself into other stuff and try to forget about it, whatever you do keeping busy will take your mind off things at the very least.
Although it feels deadful and painful it will pass soon enough, might turn out to be for the better too.
If it were me I'd think "well that was fun" and head for a bar with my pulling pants on.
Life's too short. Don't let yourself get mired in self pity, people seem to encourage foresic analysis of these things, me I'd say get back in the saddle ASAP.
cinnamon_girl, sort of right.
What you need to do flatback is stalk her to see what she is upto now.
Aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh! Jumps up and down, bangs head repeatedly against brick wall ...
Guys - why are you so bloomin' judgmental?
Forensic analysis? What's wrong with that? How do we learn? Do we live in a perfect world? A path has more than one line, no? If you care so much then you would try and understand a situation, no? Or is it the 'shame' that you can't face?
CG. Best we never marry me thinks!
LOL 😆 I'm such a ghastly person!
[i]You just can not make such final decisions and disappear.[/i]
I have just left my wife. She thinks I suddenly made a final decision and just disappeared. I thought I was trying to get through to her for about 2 years that we could not possibly carry on as we were. I thought I'd said everything that could possibly be said and that it could hardly be a surprise when I announced I was going. She felt very differently.
We may be able to have the conversation at some point in the future when we are both actually listening, but I am not hugely tolerant of having it over and over again at the moment when she will not or cannot listen, or believe what she is hearing and I cannot believe she only just realised that I had been desperate for ages. 🙁
Sorry to hear that BigDummy. Presumably she is in denial?
Not judgemental at all, she has left the guy without a decent explaination and I'm just suggesting that spending the next few weeks analysing what went wrong is less productive than getting on with life and trying to forget it.
Sounds like nothing was actually "done" but that two people just drifted apart, the blame game is a waste of time IMHO what's the point??
To be completely straight I've always believed the best way to get over a woman is to get "over" another!
OK, I'll come clean. I did a similar-ish thing a couple of years ago after decades of marriage. Mid-life crisis, call it what you will. Not proud of how I went about it and still live with the guilt, to a certain degree.
sometimes having a "why?" helps bring closure. Even if you don't get back together understanding where it went wrong can help bring a sense of reality to the proceedings. As i have previously said i still don't know "why" my ex ended it especially i thought she had everything we both wanted. 2 years down the line i have given up on finding the reason as at some point you have to accept it and move on. However i think dismissing it straight from the outset is a bad idea, cos it will come back and bite you on the a**e.
Given it was such a long relationship the OP can't just get on with it so soon. No he can't spend forever analysing it, and it may well be that they have drifted apart, or he hit the nail on the head with the work pressure, trying for a baby thing, but the poor so and so deserves an explanation if that what he wants.
OK, I'll come clean. I did a similar-ish thing a couple of years ago after decades of marriage. Mid-life crisis, call it what you will. Not proud of how I went about it and still live with the guilt, to a certain degree.
...but the hours of get-to-know-you sex made up for that?
Wavydave - hurrah that man! Well said.
hora - really. 😯 I couldn't possibly comment!
He doesn't need the reality of a comment cg.
He's already raw from the fantasy 😯
As someone up there said, it rarely comes out of the blue - it's rather that you weren't listening/didn't want to listen to your partners unhappiness.
I know that's what i did. I stuck my head in the sand and talked her into giving it another go. 12 months down the line and it all went wrong again because nothing had really changed. It almost destroyed me, i even found myself in tears outside the local B&Q contemplating buying a rope & i had absolutely no idea of how i got there! 😯
Thing is, almost 18 months after the fact & i can now slowly acknowledge some of the things that were wrong. It wasn't all my fault but neither was i an innocent victim in the breakup. She was obviously unhappy for a very long time (she told me that even when she agreed to marry me she hadn't loved me for around 2yrs) but i was to stupid to take notice & she was too cowardly to do owt about it.
There is no easy or quick fix i'm afraid. You have to grieve because it IS a bereavement - your relationship has died and it needs mourning before you can come out the other side. How you do this depends on your personality i suppose.
Good friends are vital though, i had people who were prepared to drive down from NW Cumbria to Rochdale at the drop of a hat because they thought i wasn't going to live out the night (obviously i'm typing this from the OTHER SIDE...)
It will get better though, believe us when we say this.
CG I have witnessed this sort of fun. Retired now though 🙁
hora - the love of my life is my Litespeed. 😆 Don't think many men could cope with being second-best 😉
The love of my life is:
Bingo
MrsHora
Logan
Dixon's Ice Cream
Everything else comes and goes.
still miss my ex. I can be moved to poetry and the deepest, darkest ache deep in my soul.
Hora.
How do you reconcile this?
It makes Mrs H sound very 2nd best!
Plus, you're supposed to be shedding those extra stones in weight you've piled on, so how come you still eat high fat junk food?!
You have never had Dixons Ice cream. I hate all ice cream but Dixon's. mrshora reckons its because they use condensed milk(?) in their ice cream.
Wierd and lush.
You've also never met Bingo 
Tried Bingo once on a windswept, wet promenade at Lowestoft in October aged 16. I did not win the holiday for two in sunny Bognor.
Ice cream is FPF (fat peoples' food), so not something I've tried. 😉
Icecream today, + choc' dip next week, then it's a full-on decent into the depths of full-fatness & lo! you can't fit on your bike any more.
PS - Aren't we supposed to helping this guy out his black hole here?!
Ice cream and the simple pleasures of life always help 🙂
similar thing happened to me 4 year relationship and she decided on the 2nd night of a 2 week holiday that she wanted to end it and that was it!
not the best timing
It hurt like hell and iwent to a bad place with drink etc for a couple of months but then I decided to sort myself out gave myself a focus (bike) and started going out with proper friends, now 3 years on im happier than i have ever been, got a new girlfriend and I am better on a bike than I ever was. it took 6 months to start the healing process but it did start and it will start for you too